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Original poster

Why are women more likely to reduce working hours to parent than men?

88 replies

sunshine75 · 20/10/2017 21:27

That's about it really.

I've been thinking about this for a while. I have lots of friends with kids ranging from babies to uni age. Most are married/cohabiting and both have good qualifications.

However, I would say that in 90% of cases it is the woman who gives up work/goes part time when kids come along. Many never return to full-time work (even when the kids go to school/grow up) and the unwritten rule seems to be that they take on the majority share of housework/washing/shopping etc. Even the wealthy couples who have a cleaner/gardener/nanny, it is still the woman who has given up work and sorts out putting the washing away, organising the hired help etc.

I'm feeling a bit 'ranty feminist' this evening and thinking to myself -it's fucking 2017 so why is this till the norm.

Disclaimer - my dh and I both work full time and he more than does his share of household shite and ferrying kids around. However, even in this case it's me who has the overview of what is happening and organises most things. Will it ever change?

OP posts:
ferrier · 21/10/2017 13:52

Men can't bf.

Dustbunny1900 · 21/10/2017 14:04

Well, for me, it was breastfeeding and the fact I had a closer bond.
Of course I'm not in a position to stay home til my kids go to college (and I think this is a problem/option primarily afflicting the MC couples and up. Correct me if I'm wrong)

And I wouldn't want to stay home forever. Just for the first year, maybe 10 months.

DioneTheDiabolist · 21/10/2017 14:13

I think socialisation plays a really big part in this. Both my brother and SiL grew up with their dads being the primary carers. When SiL decided she wanted to go back to work 8wks post partum my brother didn't hesitate to take parental leave and he loved it so much that he opted to leave his job and set up a business from home so he could spend more time with his child.

When their 2nd was born, SiL took her full parental leave and because of this, brother could expand his business and she went back part time because they could afford it. They have a very equal relationship with their DCS, each other and the domestic chores. DB is first number the schools use if there is an issue and they both take responsibility for organising childcare when needed.

My nephew plays "house" a lot and is very nurturing with his sister and other younger children in the family, helping them get dressed and with nappy changes etc.

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lljkk · 21/10/2017 14:26

Compared to DH, I liked the children more & had more patience for them & running the household.

We have swapped now. I work FT out of house & DH works from home. He gets to control freak about everything he hated about how I ran the household. Bonus

lljkk · 21/10/2017 14:27

Oh, and what NG said. I meant to go back FT. 6 weeks before the birth I thought "Oh wait, I could do something else, what an amazing option to have!"

AnimalMechanicals · 21/10/2017 14:28

E.g. does all home stuff and I work. We have done it other ways, but now I earn more and am set to earn a lot more in a couple of years, then he is staying at home.

It's so nice having a SAHP to do everything for you. I would never do it the other way round.

Chocolaterainbows · 21/10/2017 14:33

I don't think anything will change, not unless men can start having babies.

museumum · 21/10/2017 14:34

I live in a more equal parenting than most on here bubble but most mums I know still work p/t (3 or 4 days) and it’s mainly because we had maternity leave off to enjoy and build routines interests and friendships and wanted to keep that through the preschool years.
The only ft mum of a child ages with mine (4) is a teacher so still joins back in with us in the holidays.
Having said that, of six couples, one has a husband/father works from home so parents loads (lunchtimes etc) and two have fathers who work either a Saturday or Sunday and have a weekday off with their child.

lljkk · 21/10/2017 14:34

Where I grew up, in my extended family & community, only the welfare moms didn't go back to work FT. All other women have gone back to work FT, since the late 1970s if not earlier.

There's incredulity & open envy at my cousin who was able to be a SAHM for 5 yrs. Amazement that could happen in 21st century. Be careful what you complain about.

I read a pop science book about this maybe 20 yrs ago. Pregnancy hormones actually change the emotional parts of our brains & make us more empathetic. This gets worse with each pregnancy. Breastfeeding hormones only compound the changes. Men get their own programming from their hormones. I know it's not fashionable to say, but male vs. female hormones do change who we are. Girl vs. Boy isn't merely product of socialisation.

grasspigeons · 21/10/2017 14:55

Because I had the babies.

The having the babies was a big 5 year chunk of difficulties that my husband did not have. I felt like rewarding myself for all that hard work.

YessicaHaircut · 21/10/2017 15:06

We are ttc and so have been discussing what will happen about work in the future. To be honest I'm perfectly happy to go part time or do compressed hours; we're quite lucky in that DH always has a later start than me so when school drop off and pick up needs considering, he could do all morning runs and I can do all afternoon ones (currently finish at 4.30 but would request to compress hours for 3pm finish).
I'm 34 and have spent my working life so far doing full time hours, sometimes evening/weekend work too, while other women work part time or take lots of time off for their kids - no judgement, but it's how it's been in every place I've worked. I don't live to work so will be more than happy to cut down a bit.

QuackDuckQuack · 21/10/2017 15:27

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the previous poster who said their husband didn't like spending long periods of time on his own with their children, but it would probably change when they got older. Can you imagine a women saying that and everyone agreeing that was normal?

That was me and I don’t think anyone has agreed that it’s normal for men, it’s just him. I’m like that to a certain extent too - I wouldn’t like to be with my children all day, every day, so I get where DH is coming from. I’m fine with weekends, but find holidays a bit of a drag. I guess it would be less socially acceptable to say that as a woman.

CPtart · 21/10/2017 15:53

I didn't have a burning desire to be with my DC all the time when they were young, nor a burning desire to forge a career and work ft either! Reducing my hours seemed to be the best compromise. Plus, child rearing can be extremely monotonous and at times, boring. Most men simply don't want to be the primary carer. The vast majority don't even do 50/50 when relationships fail.

GoodLuckTime · 21/10/2017 16:09

Oh I don't know, I went back to work partly to have adult me time, achieve for myself and get away from the kids for a bit! And doing this makes me enjoy time with them more when we are together. I remember this bliss of the quiet,calm adult space of the office when I first went back.

I hate the narrative that ALL WOKRING MUMS FEEL GUILTY which is rammed down out throats. I DONT. I enjoy working. Enjoy time with my DC. Very happy with our balance, thanks very much oh judgey world.

I admire full time SAHP that genuinely enjoy it.

But from observation, a good number of them find it boring / tough / get over invested or over identify with their children's progress and achievements and privately I think they and their families would benefit from having a clearer sense of boundaries of their life / stuff separate from their kids. Working is an easy way to achieve this.

KarmaNoMore · 21/10/2017 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenRut · 21/10/2017 16:24

I am hopeful it wil change for our children. If you look at the expectations of my mother's generation, and the differences between that and her mother's generation, then you can see clear steps in the right direction.

TheSconeOfStone · 21/10/2017 17:23

I work in the NHS so it was easier for me to go PT. DH had just changed career and had less flexibility in to do so. Ideally we would both have a 4 day week.

Another reason is I am more sociable and don't mind toddler groups and activities. DH hates all that.

There was also an element of guilt that I shouldn't be FT with young DC, I know that is nonsense but I felt it anyway.

I don't think BF has much to do with it for most people. The vast majority have stopped by the time mat leave ends. For those that carry on BF expressing or just feeding before and after works just fine, 9-12 months is standard for mat leave in the UK.

NerrSnerr · 21/10/2017 17:30

We discussed this in-depth before we had children. We work in similar organisations, earned similar and had similar opportunities for flexible work. I wanted a year maternity leave, I wanted to breastfeed without the faff of expressing, I also wanted to do groups etc. My husband is shy and would hate them.

We decided I’d go part time because we felt I’d enjoy doing the swimming lessons, baby groups etc more than I’d enjoy work. 3 years in its true- if we could afford it I’d be a SAHM. My husband does a lot around the house, he cooks and tidies whilst I do bedtime and we share housework and childcare at the weekend.

Tilapia · 21/10/2017 17:32

When our eldest was born DH and I were earning almost exactly the same (we’re the same age, and we met at work so in the same profession).

I wanted to stop work (I’m back now the DC are older) and he didn’t. He was happy for me to choose, but he didn’t want to be a SAHP.

Whether it’s biological or a product of our society or a bit of both - who knows?

chipswithchips · 21/10/2017 21:03

I’m not even sure if it’s that people expect the woman to go part time or whether people NEVER expect the man to go part time, like, it’s not even considered an option.

I think if my dh asked for part time hours he’d be laughed out of town.

ThePhoenixBird · 21/10/2017 21:09

Not for us. When my maternity leave ends I go back full time and my DP has reduced his hours so he is home during the day to look after our daughter.

I have a career and earn more whereas he sees his job as a job and nothing more so it made sense for him to reduce hours

Neolara · 21/10/2017 21:10

I really, really wanted to be with the dcs. I think it was something biological. I was very interested in my career pre babies. Once dcs arrived, I couldn't have cared less. And now I want to get back to work, I find I am pretty unemployable..

Justoneme · 21/10/2017 21:15

sorry I just don't get SAHMs in this day of age. It is well known that children actually do better when they are cared for by a number of care givers.

I am so sick of hearing I couldn't go back to work as child care cost more ... or DP / DH earns more...

It's all about personal choice... I went to university I hold a diploma, degree and a masters. When I had my DS I went back to work part time. my DP did not want me to go back to work however I did not work my butt off to stay at home. I love my beautiful DS; and I know my DS is proud of saying my mummy does xxx It's personal choice bottom line.

Hatstand · 21/10/2017 21:19

I'm on mat leave at the moment. My boss has ignored my existence since I started to show. My DH's boss has given him extra pay and responsibilities because now he has a family to support...

cheminotte · 21/10/2017 21:44

That's the fatherhood bonus.