Dad's PND

[WantingBaby1]

DH and I have a 2 month old baby and DH has been experiencing post-natal depression, for which he is on medication. Has anyone had husband's in a similar position? What can I do to help him? I love him and our baby So much but am finding myself exhausted trying to manage everything myself on top of EBF, the housework, cooking, cleaning etc. DH sleeps in the guest room so as to get a decent 8 hours sleep as he is the one going to work. I have a few hours of very broken sleep as baby was premature and is feeding every couple of hours. I'm like a zombie come 7pm. I don't like to leave the baby with DH in the evenings as he gets stressed and upset trying to look after her so I end up going to bed when she does, around 10pm. She cat naps in the day and i get the housework done when i can.

What can I do to help him feel like a better dad? Or get myself a break without hurting him?

OP I'm so sorry for all the unhelpful, judgemental and ignorant comments you've had on here towards your husband.
'He's had 8 hours sleep, he can't be depressed/despite being depressed should be able to do more' EURGH!!! No. It doesn't work like that. And PND for men is real - my husband had it too, I really feel for you AND your husband. He will be feeling guilty and 'useless' and like his is letting you and baby down which will make him feel worse and trap him in that negative spiral.
I found being gently encouraging and positive helped, just little comments as much as I could just to give him a boost and confidence in his ability to be a parent (For my husband, that was a big part of it, not feeling good enough and capable enough to be a 'good' parent.) It was so, so hard, don't get me wrong but I just accepted he was ill, and knew he would get better sooner if I was as supportive as I could be-even if I only had the energy to give him a quick hug as I walked past him. It doesn't have to be anything ground breaking. You sound very caring and loving anyway so I'm sure it will come easy to you.
Things will get better Congratulations on your baby x

Oh my gosh, I could have written your exact post 13 years ago. My dd was prem and my dh was diagnosed by our gp as having PND. Medication helped but did take a few weeks to kick in. I would say that you don’t need to do anything in particular for your husband other than give him cuddles, give him space when he’s struggling. Do you have family that can support you, take over with your baby for a few hours in the day so you can get some sleep. I know it feels like a huge pressure on your shoulders so do seek out some support from others if you can.

Nobody has said he isn't depressed.
Post natal depression isn't the same as depression.
He is well enough to work but not well enough to look after his child? At all?
Sorry but that's not good enough.

My dh was the same, I think the fact that our prem dd was so fragile he was terrified that he might do something wrong and hurt/damage her. He carried on going to work as he knew we couldn’t cope without his wage, he didn’t choose to do one rather than the other (which is the suggestion lots if you seem to be making) he just forced himself to get through his days at work. There’s seems to be a huge amount of you guys needing to state that there is no such thing as PND in men. Seriously, you know better than the doctors huh? And anyway, does it bloody matter if the label is depression or PND, there is still a new dad who is suffering and a new mum asking for advice. She didn’t ask for you to debate male PND.

OP please take no notice of the negative posts, I am angry for you x

PND isn't always caused by physical changes/hormonal changes. It's often the situation of new parenthood. There's no reason a man can't have the same response to a massive, challenging life change.

whatsleep
The thing is, for me, the advice would be the same than for a woman who had PND?
Get out, get some fresh air.
Do some exercise
Care for your DC because you want to create a bond with them (and not in a situation where X months later you can't relate at all with the child in front of you)
DONT spend you time sleeping. It doesnt help with depression. It is a SYMPTOM of depression which is very different than needing some.
And to the OP, please please don't baby him.
Yes your DH is ill. He is also under medication by the GP (and hopefully has also being referred to a counsellor - even better he should seek
One himself)
But you also need to look after yourself and a baby that needs even more attention than a full term baby. If you aren't careful and okay suoerwoamn all the time, you will crash down. And you won't be able to look after him nor your baby.

And I say that as someone who had PND (and then AND just after that).
Depression is crap. It doesn't mean you can't do anything at all.

I was just about to say what someone else has already said. Do mothers who have pnd get to opt out of doing their parental duties? My partner lost his brother a year before we got pregnant, he had severe depression to the point where he tried to drive his car 100 mile an hour down right mountain lanes. He still has depression, he’s not actively trying to kill himself anymore because of our son but he is still depressed. He does everything I do for our son, there is no 60/40, it’s all 50/50. I’m totally aware that men get pnd and I totally think it should have more awareness but does that mean they get to stop being parents? If I had pnd I couldn’t leave my 6 month old and go to bed could i? No. He needs help but he needs to be a parent

Sympathy for you OP, that sounds like a really tough situation.

From a practical point of view, how about the three of you going out for a walk when DH is home at the weekend? The fresh air might help to lift his mood a bit and if he could push the buggy, that's a relatively low intensity way for him to be in charge of the baby.

I hope things get better for you soon.

My husband has pnd too. I would definitely recommend getting professional help, either from your health visitor or gp. Are there some ways in which you could get him involved, eg bathing, reading, etc?

Personally I found it really difficult in the beginning as I was barely coping myself and his pnd felt like it was the thing that might tip me over the edge. So make sure that you're also getting the support you need x

I'm sorry you're both going through this, being depressed/being with someone who's depressed is really tough, let alone with a newborn.

It might be worth looking at cbt as well as medication, and maybe using techniques for challenging thinking patterns (this is just a thought from having depression and trying to use these myself). If your DH feels 'useless' looking after the baby, maybe talk through his thought process, what's the evidence that he's got to say he's useless, are there alternative explanations etc. When you can come up with other ways of seeing a situation, that can help, but he might need to be doing more with the baby in order to put that into practice (and get more evidence that allows him to challenge the idea he's useless - e.g. I looked after the baby and was able to comfort him; sometimes I won't be able to, but that doesn't mean I'm useless).

What does he do when he gets home? At one stage I used to get home from work and lie on the sofa until it seemed like a reasonable time to go to bed; I didn't even feel motivated to find a TV programme I wanted to watch. But being active and doing simple things can help break the cycle of negative thoughts, feelings, behaviours and physical symptoms (and remind you that you can accomplish things). It is really difficult when it feels like you're body is telling you that you need to lie down and not do anything but that can lead to feeling worse. I think some of the cbt techniques I remember included scheduling activities (which might help with achieving things outside of work) and using a 5 minute timer to just start doing something, even if only for a short time at first (although once you start you often want to carry on).

I don't know if this is any help, but I think him finding ways to look after the baby and support you are important, and will help him to challenge the idea he's useless.