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Parenting

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Original poster

Dad's PND

60 replies

WantingBaby1 · 18/10/2017 15:28

DH and I have a 2 month old baby and DH has been experiencing post-natal depression, for which he is on medication. Has anyone had husband's in a similar position? What can I do to help him? I love him and our baby So much but am finding myself exhausted trying to manage everything myself on top of EBF, the housework, cooking, cleaning etc. DH sleeps in the guest room so as to get a decent 8 hours sleep as he is the one going to work. I have a few hours of very broken sleep as baby was premature and is feeding every couple of hours. I'm like a zombie come 7pm. I don't like to leave the baby with DH in the evenings as he gets stressed and upset trying to look after her so I end up going to bed when she does, around 10pm. She cat naps in the day and i get the housework done when i can.

What can I do to help him feel like a better dad? Or get myself a break without hurting him?

OP posts:

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2017 16:20

8 hours sleep,out all day at work and then opts out of caring for the baby in the evenings. That's really not on.

Figgygal · 18/10/2017 16:20

Whether it's a real thing or not it's depression and he's ill I get that but it doesn't give him the right to opt out of all responsibilities and leave you to it.
Do you have family you can ask for support?

t1mum3 · 18/10/2017 16:26

I'd approach it from another angle. You both want to build his confidence in looking after the baby I would have thought? Maybe sit down with him and work out how you can progress to a point where he is fully involved in this partnership, breaking it down into steps. Ask him to agree to what is reasonable for him to attempt to do over the next week, the following week, etc. I would also say though that you must be under a huge amount of stress and probably need some support from out of the house - family members, or could you pay for a cleaner, laundry service, etc, or perhaps a neighbour to take the baby for a walk in her pram while you get a couple of hours sleep? Bless you. My DH found it very difficult when my DC were little babies and the whole situation is very hard.

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NewDaddie · 18/10/2017 16:27

What happened to you guys? Seriously. You sound like there is something seriously wrong with you. There’s a couple here trying coming to terms with PND and all you care about is your fucking man hating diatribe.

Wow.

OP you’re doing an amazing job and your DH is very fortunate to have you, I hope things get better very soon.

MessyBun247 · 18/10/2017 16:34

Yeah OP is doing a great job, but she shouldn't be doing it on her own.

TiesThatBindMe · 18/10/2017 16:37

Coming to terms with a new premature baby and a father with depression. Not PND NewDaddie.

Original poster

WantingBaby1 · 18/10/2017 16:43

Thank you NewDaddie and those who have offered some supportive or helpful advice or comment.

For the rest of you, I wish I hadn't asked.

Whatever you want to call it, DP is depressed and I want to help him. I have a lot of support and go to baby groups and meet my friends with babies weekly. He has none of this. I struggle with sleep deprivation but what new mum doesn't? Im not the one going through a mental illness. Please can some of you stop hating on my DH and if you've nothing nice to say, stay silent!

OP posts:

sinceyouask · 18/10/2017 16:45

NewDaddie, are you always such a tit?

sinceyouask · 18/10/2017 16:46

Sorry op. Not helpful to you, that last post of mine.

TiesThatBindMe · 18/10/2017 17:01

He really needs to take responsibility for his own recovery in your situation OP as you're stretched to capacity. You don't resent or hate him or berate him so that's a start, but as I said, look at the breastfeeding, is it really benefiting you all, as other posters suggested, maybe get him involved with story time and bathtime, and find out why he gets upset by being with the baby.

TiesThatBindMe · 18/10/2017 17:02

Also, if you continue breastfeeding you should soon be able to express (I know it's after 6 weeks for a normal term, not sure if it differs for prem?) and he could give the baby a bottle every now and then.

Allthelightsgoout · 18/10/2017 17:07

It's depression occuring post natally so it's termed post natal depression. It's well researched and recognised in men.

PND isn't even a criteria for women in the DSM V, its major depressive disorder with peri -partum onset which is up to 4 weeks after delivery. But a lot of women develop depression later and up to a year after birth which is still termed PND but isn't related to the drop in hormones occuring after birth.

But post 4 weeks after delivery it should technially just be referred to as depression and the potential causes are often similar to what the potential causes are in men.

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 18/10/2017 17:18

OP, i’m sorry your DH has depression. It sucks, and the timing is particularly hard.

My advice is the same as several other posters - look after yourself and look after your baby. I say that not as a dismissal of your DH’s health issues, but because if you don’t look after yourself then you will crumble and your family will be ten times worse off than it is now. Looking after yourself is the very best thing you can do for your DH.

It sounds like he’s doing what he can for himself as he’s clearly sought medical help and obtained medication. As others have said, do encourage him to seek out CBT too. He has to be responsible for his own recovery.

DioneTheDiabolist · 18/10/2017 18:34

Discuss with your DH what he can do. Contributing to the domestic workload will be beneficial to him in the long run. And look at what other help you can get OP. Do you have family nearby?

Last of all prioritise yourself and baby. The dusting and floors can wait. Try to get a nap or some quiet time (lie down in a quiet, darkened room, even if you don't sleep) when your baby naps during the day. Resting is more important than a clean house right now.

DioneTheDiabolist · 18/10/2017 18:35

Ignore that "last of all bit". I have no idea where it came from.

Mummaofboys · 18/10/2017 18:41

Aww it sounds tough for you at the moment, get a cleaner once a week so all you need to do is Hoover around, they are not that expensive about the cost of a takeaway each week. There's not much you can do about sleep as it's the same for most of us wives with working husbands. You Can't cope with your husbands problems on top of your own he needs to get in contact with mental health services and get some sort of counselling. Just have it in the back of your mind it's hard at the moment but won't last forever. Good luck 😉 x

KalaLaka · 18/10/2017 18:42

Can you afford a cleaner or postnatal doula? A doula can watch and care for your baby while you nap.

Sorry you're having a hard time.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2017 18:50

Aww it sounds tough for you at the moment, get a cleaner once a week so all you need to do is Hoover around, they are not that expensive about the cost of a takeaway each week That's quite a lot then.

53rdWay · 18/10/2017 18:53

Has he considered getting signed off work? (Obviously not the right answer to everything, helps for some.) Agree with CBT. Has he asked/been put on waiting list for counselling? Or can you afford private counselling that could probably start sooner? moodgym.com.au is an excellent free resource.

Pull in all the friend/family help you can get or you're going to burn out too.

53rdWay · 18/10/2017 18:55

Also, just opting out of ever looking after the baby isn't good for any of you, including him. I appreciate that as you say he feels stressed and worried about it, but he's just going to get himself into a cycle where he feels like he can't do it, so doesn't do it, so isn't familiar with doing it, so feels more like he can't do it, so... and so on.

UnbornMortificado · 18/10/2017 18:59

Not sure how prem you mean but I know it can be hard even if they only need a few days neonatal stay (we've just done a stint)

Bliss has some contacts for support on it if that is what he might be struggling with.

www.bliss.org.uk/Pages/Category/support

HopeAndJoy16 · 18/10/2017 19:04

As a couple do you have any close friends with children? My husband didn't have PND but he had zero confidence handling our baby, and what helped was watching his close friends hold and talk to their babies. I second other pp suggestions of bathing baby and doing a story with them. Also if you're doing baby massage you can teach it to your husband, my husband enjoys doing that cause it calms her down after her bath.
Practically, could he be helping with the housework? Even doing just one or two small tasks would take the pressure off you. Eg making sure the dishes are done in the evening or making sure the living room is tidy before bed?

I really hope things get better for you all soon. The newborn stage sucked for us and that was without PND.

MinnowAndTheBear · 18/10/2017 19:26

The recent series of the reality show Outdaughtered has covered this. The dad realised he has PND.

Tigger001 · 18/10/2017 22:20

I would hate to be the partner of most of the people on here. A male can experience the same amount of anxciety or get depressed the same as a woman.
Also maybe your partners are not very supportive of you either, I would not need to be in hospital to get support from my hubby.
Most women on here seem to use this site just to indirectly vent about there flawed relationships and how they hate men there than actually helping or supporting fellow parents, quite sad really.
OP stay strong you are doing a fab job. I hope your hubby is getting the support he needs. Maybe he could try to take on small tasks with the baby or around the house, and just try slowly slowly until he feels he can cope with more and if you feel like you can't cope before then, seek help from family or friends if that's an option, I'm sure everyone around is eager to help.

Wolfiefan · 18/10/2017 22:34

My partner was extremely supportive of me when I suffered with depression so badly that I had to quit my job. You can't "quit" being a parent though. You can't opt out. He can't get 8 hours sleep every night, be well enough to go to work and then claim he's too unwell to support his partner or care for his child in any way.
He needs to step up as a dad and get treatment too.
And no. He may be depressed following the birth of his child but I refuse to call that PND. Unless he was pregnant and gave birth.

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