I need sleep and my husband doesn't understand - am I being unrealistic?

[momtobe1]

I'll start by saying my husband does loads around the house to, but the issue lies with sleep. We have a 5 month old daughter, she and I sleep in the same room every night and my husband in the guest room so he can be well rested for work. I ask that my husband take her in the morning when she wakes at 530/6 so that I can get a couple hours of sleep before he goes to work. He used to get up at this time to go to the gym (he needs exercise to feel sane, which I get) however now he says he needs to go to the gym a few mornings a week. I've asked him to go after work (which he says is unrealistic bc he then won't be home until around 8pm) and I make sure he has time to go on the weekends. My questions:

1. Does anyone have a routine that works for you and your husband, balancing sleep and time for gym etc?
2. Do most men sleep in another room? He has never done a night with her in 5 months.
3. Am I asking too much? If I'm up with the baby all night and then wake up at 530/6 again I'm up for the day. I can't nap as she takes cat naps.
4. He tells me he can 'help' front 7-9.... why do men think it's 'helping' when it's their baby too! The 7-8 hrs of uninterrupted sleep he has gotten every night for the past 5 months isn't me 'helping' it's me taking care of my daughter!

I think that going out to work after a full, uninterrupted sleep is infinitely easier than looking after a baby all day after a few hours broken sleep with no end in sight. At least if the OPs dh is tired or stressed at work he knows that he can go to the gym to work off the stress and then get a good rest that night... the OP doesn't have that luxury.

Solve the sleep problem, that's the main issue.

No it isn't, the main issue is the selfish husband. So say OP solves her baby's sleep "problem" now, what happens when she is up in the night due to teething? Or illness?

We sleep trained our son and he will still wake up during a regression, or when he's ill, or when he's teething.

What about when the little one starts nursery/school? Who will take time off when the DC is sick? Who will be responsible for all the admin - the packed lunches, the school trips?

OP's Husband clearly thinks the DC is OP's responsibility. He needs to get over that, and sharpish.

The sleep has sod all to do with it.

Childcare wise, if you want to discount the time he spends at work, which might seem fairest, he should be spending 64 hours per week in charge of the baby which does include night times.

So your 2 hours in the morning = 10
2 weekend nights + 16 (26)
Plus let's say one weekend lie in where you can sleep/relax/have time for you in morning until 12ish + 7 (33)

That's only just over half of 64.

So let's say in the evenings 4 days a week he takes over from about 7-11, to let you eat/clean up/relax - she's probably in bed for most of this anyway. + 16 (49)
One day in the week where you swap a full night's sleep for the early morning + 6 (55)
Then 9 hours spread over the rest of the weekend, of which there is 14 hours unaccounted for - the end of the morning lie in to the start of the bedtime shift. (64)

Just as an example of how he could take a fair share of childcare. By this I mean during the times he's "on duty" he does all nappies, clothes changes, all feeds/meals that come up, any routine stuff like bathing, takes charge of entertaining even if he does not entertain directly, does things like nail cutting if he notices, makes a note that new clothes need buying, washing, etc, and does the immediate cleaning-up-after which comes with taking care of a baby. ie, everything you do.

Housework wise, if you discount the time he's at work (40h) from the time you're both likely to be awake (112h) he's at home for about 64% of the time so half of the housework generated in that time is about 32% or slightly less than a third.

To simplify, that means if you're splitting housework fairly, for every two jobs you do, he should be doing one.

I would guess that roughly the kinds of things you're (both) doing every or most days would be as follows, and again I've roughly split them up, to give you an idea of what might be an example fair split.

Washing into machine (you)
Washing out of machine to be hung/dried (you)
Washing out of drier/off airer and put away (him)
Breakfast made (you)
Breakfast cleared away (you)
Washing up done x2 and put away OR dishwasher filled, dishwasher emptied (him)
Kitchen counters wiped down (you)
Bottles sterilised if relevant (you)
Lunch made (you)
Lunch cleared away (you)
Toys/baby things tidied up (him)
Dinner made (him)
Dinner cleared away (you)
Living room tidied, hoovered (you)
Bathroom wiped over (him)
Post dealt with and filed (him)
Recycling rinsed and sorted (you)

Then not every day but at least one of the following:
Change bed sheets (you)
Ironing done (you)
Proper clean of bathroom (him)
Take bins/recycling out (you)
Hoover bedroom (you)
Mop kitchen floor (him)
Garden maintenance (you)
House maintenance/DIY (you)
Car maintenance (him)
Food shopping (him)
Errands like car MOT, returning library books (you)
Clothes shopping for necessities (you)

Obviously different arrangements work for different families, but if you were to genuinely split things fairly, taking into account the time he's at work presumably working and of course contributing to the household, this is one example of how things can look. I hope that it gives some perspective to your question about whether you're asking too much and whether his current input into household stuff is really over what should be expected. Because I think that it's easy to lose sight when you're overwhelmed by it all or perhaps see other people's husbands doing even less. None of this is any more than 50% so it's not an unfair ask and yet (at least on the childcare side) it seems so much more than he is offering.

I think your husband is being unreasonable. Life changes when you have a baby and you need to compromise and adjust your schedule and your needs, even if temporarily in the early months when things are rough.

No, we had no time for the gym. We were all hands on deck unless we were at work or a very rare meal out with a friend (which happened about once every 3 months). I get wanting to go to the gym and all, but it's a want not a need, and it may need to go, like all other hobbies do until you figure out a better arrangement. My dh got up in the mornings and we shared whatever needed doing before he went to work (I didn't sleep, I can't really sleep once I'm up, but nor did he). Equally we shared whatever from the moment he got home. Often, I went to bed early in the evenings from about 7 and left him to do everything else (he would stay up with our dd, bring her to me for feeds, etc. while he did emails or other computer work or watched tv), so I got caught up on sleep in the evenings rather than mornings.

We never slept separately. We co-sleep (obviously with our daughter with me on my side). He was up and helping with nearly every night feed until she dropped them at 9 months. In the early months when she needed changing, he did all the nighttime changing or when we switched to bottles, he would go make the bottle while I did the changing.

I don't think you're asking too much. I can see maybe going to the gym 2 mornings a week if he needs to and letting you have some time the other days or just generally being home to help. Then maybe another evening after she's going to bed if he really must. It realistically can't be an every day thing anymore. Life changes.

My dh literally had our daughter from 5:30 when he walked in the door from work until we went to bed around 10pm. And then was up helping through the night and then got up and went to work in the morning. He was also at the time starting a business (he quit his job when she was 4 months old and went full time as self-employed), so even with a 40 hour work week, he was doing website development and business planning in the evenings. He still had her with him, wore her in a wrap, plus woke up every 3 hours or so during the night with us. If he can survive, they all can. Unless maybe your dh has a super stressful job that requires a high degree of alertness (a lorry driver, a surgeon, etc.).

Very good point Just Getting . I have worked at several employers like that - men of every age but the number of women over 30/35 very low and especially at the senior levels.

I just came on to agree with everyone else. You are both working and your job of keeping your mutual child alive, healthy, stimulated and developing well is at least as important as his.

He should be doing half the night wakings. If you want to be really generous, you could cut him some slack and offer to do all weekday nights as long as he does all weekday mornings and both weekend nights. The idea that you should work all night and all day so he can go to the gym is ludicrous.

@endofthelinefinally

Are you a man?
Or a woman who has no children?
Going out to work is much easier than looking after a baby 24/7.

lol - I have 5 dc, bf and co-slept with them all. Dh didn't help much as he worked very long hours. Just very occasionally when they were very young if they were up all night, probably happened once or twice for the first 2dc before I realised that exclusive co-sleeping was the answer!
And we shared lie-ins at the weekend.

I would dispute that going to work is easier but as I didn't go to work myself I can't really argue the point.

Is there a way he could go the gym in the morning and then take the baby for a couple of hours when he gets in from work??
We have an 11 week old and we still sleep in the same room, I just get up through the night and go next door to the nursery to feed so as not yo wake hubby if possible, no point us both being awake as he has to go to work and I am now a SAHM. Then when hubby gets in he has a quick change of clothes, cooks tea and takes little man for a couple of hours and does the bed time feed with my expressed milk.
I think you have to sort out what works best for you both and compromise. If you could get a couple if hours early evening after his work would that help ??

Sorry I also think there are 2 sides to a Full time job outside the house being easier than being a full time mum.
My hubby has a 1hr 30min commute on a bad traffic day, and quite a stressful job , but can go the loo in peace and finish his lunch in one sitting ,using both hands lol whereas I believe being a full time mum can have its exhausting days but I get rewards from seeing my baby laugh and giggle for the first time, him trying to talk and gurgling and everyday making me laugh and see our bond growing where my hubby misses them moments which can be upsetting for him especially in these early days.
So with that I think there are pros and cons to each, but personally I feel lucky to be able to have this time with my little man. Sorry just my opinion.

My dh never slept in a separate room. Baby was in a moses basket in our room and when he/she woke, I took the baby into another room and breast-fed. Dc were in their own room from 12 weeks and slept through from about then.

Going out to work is much easier than looking after a baby 24/7.

That depends on the job and on the baby! I found looking after a baby much much easier and less stressful than teaching other people's teenagers all day!

Raising a child is work (bloody hard work). So given that you are both working, then yes, it's not in any way unreasonable to ask him to his fair share. I have twins and my husband did as many night feeds etc as I did.

I think balance is the key here. Are you saying he goes to the gym five mornings a week? If so, that strikes me as unreasonable. Three mornings a week - fine - but if he's upped the number of mornings he works out since you've had the baby that suggests that he's just trying to get out of caring for her and that's not fair. I think I'd say that three mornings a week he can go to the gym, the other two you get a lie in while he cares for her between 5.30-7am.

But as a broader point, if you're not getting enough sleep I suggest you go to bed earlier. Adults need 7 hours of sleep, so figure out from that when you need to go to bed and then be strict with yourself. I'm a sleep fiend too and HATED being constantly deprived when my babies were little. I felt like I was in a fog. It's also dangerous for driving etc, so meet him halfway, but make sure he's doing his share.

When DD was still waking in the night our informal unspoken rule was if it was a work day the next day I got up and if it wasn’t DH would get up. I felt this was fair when I wasn’t working. But then when she slept through it was just whoever heard her really. Which was very often me and DH would sleep through but this has recently swapped. It has to be shared OP. It’s his child too. When do you go to the gym?