I need sleep and my husband doesn't understand - am I being unrealistic?

[momtobe1]

I'll start by saying my husband does loads around the house to, but the issue lies with sleep. We have a 5 month old daughter, she and I sleep in the same room every night and my husband in the guest room so he can be well rested for work. I ask that my husband take her in the morning when she wakes at 530/6 so that I can get a couple hours of sleep before he goes to work. He used to get up at this time to go to the gym (he needs exercise to feel sane, which I get) however now he says he needs to go to the gym a few mornings a week. I've asked him to go after work (which he says is unrealistic bc he then won't be home until around 8pm) and I make sure he has time to go on the weekends. My questions:

1. Does anyone have a routine that works for you and your husband, balancing sleep and time for gym etc?
2. Do most men sleep in another room? He has never done a night with her in 5 months.
3. Am I asking too much? If I'm up with the baby all night and then wake up at 530/6 again I'm up for the day. I can't nap as she takes cat naps.
4. He tells me he can 'help' front 7-9.... why do men think it's 'helping' when it's their baby too! The 7-8 hrs of uninterrupted sleep he has gotten every night for the past 5 months isn't me 'helping' it's me taking care of my daughter!

Oh and he should definitely do one night each weekend to give you something to look forward to. DS didn't sleep through the night until he was 18 months old and theat one night each weekend was the only thing that kep me sane. Also DH took DS every morning (unless he had done the night before) for a couple of hours as he woke very early too

I went back to work when DS was a 11 months old so many of theose months I was doing the night wake-ups and also working.

He knows you're tired, and have had a disturbed night, but his going to the gym is more important than your sleep. Being a parent isn't something you opt in and out of . From now on, I'd put him in with the baby on Friday and Saturday nights so you get 2 nights sleep out of 7. Then he may be a little bit more understanding.

Wow, how selfish of him. Our DD is 5 months old too, and for the last month sleep has been rubbish - sometimes hourly wake ups. We both sleep in the same bed and she is next to me in her snuzpod.

DH starts work at 7 and still finds time to bring me coffee in bed and bring her first feed up. He doesn't get in until around 7.30 pm (he works quite long hours). When I was exhausted last week, he encouraged me to sleep on the sofa and he dealt with all night wakes so I could recover some sleep.

Before she was born he was quite into cycling - every couple of weekends he would do a pretty long ride. He's more or less given it up for now - as have I with things like classes at the gym and swimming. Why should one parent be the only he having to give things up, and the other carries on as if nothing has changed?! That attitude drives me crazy!!

So let me get this straight

• he needs exercise to feel sane
• you need sleep to feel sane

Why on earth does the first of those trump the second?

Going to the gym is actually quite a time-consuming way of getting exercise. Can he not go for a fast, hard run for 30 minutes instead? You'd then only lose 30 minutes of sleep.

Sounds like he's using the gym as an excuse. DP goes running 3 x week no matter what. But this is normally 2 x at weekend and 1 x after work. I have always got up in the night and he gets up with them on weekend mornings while I stay in bed a bit longer. Hard work in early days but has worked out over the years. Both DC were in their own room by 8 weeks.
You should also be getting time to exercise / get fresh air/ time away from the baby.

He sounds like a twat putting his gym before your sleep.
We had twins and shared the night feeds. Having said that I e slept through from 4 months. Have you started sleep training at all?

What the fuck?

So he gets to have extras like going to the gym (EVERY DAY!!) because he "needs" it to feel energised but he's not even willing to help you out with absolute life basics like sleep?

And he gets to sleep in the spare room so his precious sleep isn't disturbed either?

I'm just gobsmacked by this selfish behaviour. It's as though he expects his routine to not change at all while you bear everything and he doesn't even offer any understanding or support.

It's his baby - he should be doing 50%. He's only at work 40 hours of the week. What about the other 128?

You should get your equivalent of "gym time". It's completely unreasonable for him to expect it when he doesn't offer it back.

He can do nights at weekends. I bet he doesn't even give you a lie in at the weekend.

You do not get to specify which hours you "help" with parenting - absolutely amazed at this.

This is nothing to do with him being a man, it is because he is being a wanker.

I bet his "loads" around the house does not come close to 50%, either.

Get him a running pram for Christmas and say now u can multitask with looking after the baby and exercise in the mornings.

I get that he is struggling to cope wo exercise.
But so are you wo sleep.

He can NOT organise his life os he is all well and fine and leave you in the shit because he is basically refusing to help.
Compromise is key here.
That can mean him going to the gym a 2 or 3 times a week (incl weekends!!) and you getting a proper good night sleep (at least 3 times a week if all your nights are broken and he gets a good night sleep every night).
So compromise could be him getting up at 5.30am at weekends to give a really long lie in in the am.
You an him swapping around for the night and you are sleeping in the spare bedroom 2 or 3 times a week and he is doungnall the waking up at night (I'm assuming you are not bfing there)
Him getting up at 5.30am each day (he clearly has had his number of hors of sleep he needs) so yu can get another 1.5 hour of sleep - he gets to go to the gym at weekends. Etc...

What can NOT happen is him carrying in like he was before having a child and you doing all the leg work....

Fwiw, DH never slept in a separate bedroom. And he never woke up wither until I made him get up and take responsibility for some of the night waking.

Fwiw my motto when the dcs were little and I was a SAHM.
My work is to look after our dcs during the day. That means my focus is in THEM, not in the HW, the washing and preparing a meal for the evening.
Any time out of 'working hours', and that includes nights, is SHARED 50/50.
So we did share the getting up at night, looking after the dcs (eg me going away for the morning or PM whilst DH was looking after the dcs).

It hasn't been perfect, because let's face it, I still did most of it. But that allowed to me demand the things I really needed (such as sleep and sharing the getting up at night) because it was clear weren't in a 50/50 position.

I'm going to get totally shot down here (dons hard hat)

Move back into the bedroom, put the child in the spare room by themselves, do controlled crying if necessary to get the child to sleep through, or mainly through, the night. I strongly believe that if I hadn't done controlled crying with my first he would still have been calling me for night feeds for years. This will solve your lack of sleep, husband still gets to exercise (Agree he could cut back on this a hit though) Everybody happy?

(Retreats behind a solid wall to avoid missiles)

God forbid his life should change in any way when he has a baby eh

That.

DH has never slept in another room.
I bet you could also use a daily gym session, but guess what, there's a baby now. He has to fit other activities and hobbies around her, just like you do. He's being very selfish.

I'm someone who is committed to going to the gym 4-6 times a week. I understand where he's coming from... Gyms after 5pm are fucking madhouses.

That said, why should your health suffer so that he can be rested, strong and healthy? Tell him that you want the same thing he gets... Recovery Time. He knows damn well that his lifts would suffer if he didn't get his recovery time.

At this point, he should accept that he's not going to be making big gains. He should be able to see that it's time to compromise: he can maintain his muscle mass and strength with as little as one full body workout a week. Two workouts and he can make some gains. He should split the time with you... For every time he goes to the gym, you deserve a lie in for your own recovery.

It's only temporary. It won't be forever.

Try controlled crying as bridget suggested.

It never worked for us and actually, it is linked to anxiety in children. We did controlled crying with DC2 and she was highly anxious until the age of 5. It could have been just how she was as a person, but I felt the controlled crying played a huge role. I will never know if I am right or wrong.

But hey, there are parents who swear by it and it works for a lot of babies. And you can't put a price on sleep.

What about changing babies sleep pattern a bit? Letting her go to bed later, 9 or 10pm he takes her for those evening hours. You get to bed early.

Meaning won’t wake up until later, he can go to gym and get her up when he gets back!

I just wanted to add:

I see men of all ages at the gym. 35 year old men with wedding rings are common. I mostly see women under 25 and some who are over 35 (kids are older).

It makes me so mad. Women are always taking a back seat. We are the ones who stand to benefit the most from weight lifting (losing muscle mass and bone density from middle age onwards.)

I would love to see what these men would do if their wives woke up a half hour earlier, grabbed the car keys and breezily announced that they were off to the gym and would be back before he needed to leave for work.

Agree controlled crying is a very personal thing. From my very small control sample of two, it took four/five days each, and it didn't traumatise them, they weren't anxious afterwards. In fact first one's behaviour improved as he wasn't quite so shattered all the time. They still had me as a SAHM 24 hours a day and got tons of attention / imput but from a less exhausted mother.
Solve the sleep problem, that's the main issue.

Google the dangers of the effects of lack of sleep and show him. Tell him it is not safe for you to look after your (both of your) child without a proper sleep. Can you find a compromise: be sweet and according of his gym and need for sleep a few days a week and maybe two week days he gets up early and you get to sleep in. And a long lie one weekend day. And as many evenings off as he has.

*accomodating

Sleep deprivation is brutal OP, especially when it's for a prolonged period. YANBU to insist he shares the load. Being a parent means taking on all aspects - not just the bits that are convienient and fit around his lifestyle. And him doing his fair share of housework doesn't mean he gets out of looking after his child.

Next time just hand him the baby and go to bed - I'm pretty sure he doesn't have to ask you for a lie in or time to himself so why should you.

I breastfed my babies and had them in bed with me, so nights were obviously my job.

My DH needed a good night's sleep to perform well at work, and we were reliant in his income alone for much of that time.

He was always prepared to get up with them in the morning so I could have a couple of hours sleeping alone.

He sounds selfish.

I feel for you OP, it is bloody hard with a non sleeping baby

My DS now 8 months was still can be an awful sleeper. I'm currently on mat leave & DH works full time.

before I lost my shit he was no help at all, he honestly thought he was doing his 'bit' by going out to work.

It left me so bloody resentful & ill. I was suffering from daily tension/hormone headaches. After 6 months of this I lost it with him we know have alternative lie ins & as DS is an early riser he will take him if he's been awake in the night to give me a bit extra sleep before work.

Parenting is a joint venture, it's not one person doing what they like & the other near death through sleep deprivation.

There is a reason why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture

Going out to work is much easier than looking after a baby 24/7.

Sweeping statement though. Depends on the job and the baby.

Irrelevant though. It's both parents responsibility to parent. No one gets to opt out.

1. Does anyone have a routine that works for you and your husband, balancing sleep and time for gym etc?. Yes. We both allow one another equal time for leisure activities. My DH sure as hell wouldn't be going to the gym if it meant he could never get up with the baby. His priorities are all wrong.

2. Do most men sleep in another room? He has never done a night with her in 5 months. My DH has never slept in another room. Shall I take it your Husband also works weekends?

3. Am I asking too much? If I'm up with the baby all night and then wake up at 530/6 again I'm up for the day. I can't nap as she takes cat naps. No you are not. He can get up with her.

4. He tells me he can 'help' front 7-9.... why do men think it's 'helping' when it's their baby too! The 7-8 hrs of uninterrupted sleep he has gotten every night for the past 5 months isn't me 'helping' it's me taking care of my daughter! Every time he talks about "helping", correct him and say "Sorry, do you mean parenting?"

You are married to a selfish wanker. Has he always been like this?