Not sure I did the right thing in this situation - need the Mumsnet jury!

[Olihan]

Last week I took ds1 (3.3), dd (19 mo) and ds2 (14wks) to softplay with a friend and her dcs (dd 3.3 & ds 15 mo). It's quite a small one and there was only 1 other mum in there with her dcs - a ds1 who was 4ish, a ds2 who was 3ish and a dd of 5/6 months in a car seat.

My friend and I were following our dcs around, mainly because the 2 younger ones aren't tall enough to reach some of the bits so need a leg up occasionallly. The other mum was sat at the side with her baby while her dss played. You can't see most of the playing area from the seating area, only a big ball pit and a couple of hidey places, the rest is out of sight.

Anyway, after about 5 minutes of us being in there these 2 boys came to the bit where our dcs were playing and started 'joining in' with them, but pushing them out of the way to get on things first, standing over holes so our dcs couldn't climb up, etc. So we took our dcs to a different bit to get away from them. Unfortunately, because it's not very big, there's a limit to how far you can get away and these boys followed us and started doing the same thing. My ds1 was getting understandably fed up with them and started shouting at them, which made them worse. My friend and I were trying to keep the peace and encourage them all to play together but it really wasn't working.

In the end we took our 4 to the big ball pool which was in sight of this other mum, thinking that if she was in view they may not do it. They followed us again and the older one started throwing balls at my ds1 from about a foot away. Ds1 started crying because he was throwing them quite hard and the other mum called over from where she was sittng and told her ds1 to stop, in a 'Xy, don't do that' sing-songy voice. He didn't so she told him if he didn't stop then she'd tell his dad he'd been naughty. He then stood over my ds1 and started hurling the balls down at his head, at which point the mother tigress/ex teacher in me escaped and I leaned very close to him and said quietly (but firmly, in my best Dr Tanya voice) 'Stop throwing balls at him, it hurts'. He did stop and got out of the ball pool, then a few minutes later I over heard him telling his mum that I'd told him off.

I didn't actually tell him off, just told him to stop, and I didn't hear what his mum replied to him telling her that. At the time I was so cross that I'd done everything I could to try and stop him picking on my ds1 that I wasn't bothered that she knew but afterwards I thought I probably shouldn't have done it.

So, I need you to rule on:

1. Was I right/ justified in having a word with him?

2. What else could I/ should I have done?

3. How would you have felt if you were the other mum and someone else had done what I did?

Over to you, the jury!

I think you were absolutely right. Ds1 (2.5) was pushed over at softplay by a boy of about 5 a couple of weeks ago. This boy followed him round and pushed him over 3 times. I growled in his ear that if he didn't leave ds1 alone I would follow him home and break all his toys one by one. Not my finest moment but he left ds1 alone after that.

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i would have done the same

I can't see what else you could have done really.

piglit, wish I'd thought of that! I don't normally say anything to other kids (too scared of the parents!) but I'll remember that one.

Orinoco, I always keep a close eye on ds1 in those sort of places because he tends to lash out in retaliation but I'd feel the same as you, I suppose, if I didn't see it.

It winds me up a LOT when parents just let their dcs disappear in those places and have no idea what they're doing, then make no real effort to discipline them properly when the do see them being little s**s.

You most definitely did the right thing, to be honest I would have done it far sooner.

'3) How would you have felt if you were the other mum and someone else had done what I did?'

I would have felt highly embarrassed and ashamed that my child had provoked another parent into doing that.

i do it all the time - my 3 are hard to keep an eye on, but i really do 99% of the time and would expect another parent to be firm if i wasnt there in time - but i do think telling the parent is another option - i tend to to do it in a no blame and worried they might get hurt way.

I regualarly embarrass other CM's at soft play, by standing up and saying in a loud voice

'WHO'S CHILD IS THIS'

usually some mother comes out from behind her parer and coffee to claim them saying

'Was there a problem'

I will be nice and not tell you what some of my answers have been!

I would have done it, and if someone had said that to my child in the same circumstances I'd have been ashamed of myself for not catching him, and grateful that someone stopped him! My ds1 is 4 also.

i would have known kids are kids - boys are boys - and i seriously dont think that the sun shines out of their arse.

you see - contrary to what IME happens - i tend to actually believe the adult in these situations.

if a mum told my kid to stop throwing balls - my first reaction would not be " HOW DARE you talk to my son like that"
it would be " ds, did you thrown the balls... go apolgise" at which point i probably would have a word with mum

only at this point instead of being friendly about it - the agrieved parent usually huffs off rather than being gracious.

so i like to think i havebeen the better person. - its how i get through most days 'custy' i say ' youdid the right thing, you wer the better person' however it would be nice to have nicenes and decency reciprcated.

you did the right thing,

yes i do it all the time. although dd is now getting better at fending bigger kids off. i see it as me speaking on dd's behalf. if the other mum doesn't like it then they are free to tell me off if they like. but they don't.

you totally did the right thing, i tend to be a bit more brazen and say what you did, only i say it very loudly so the other parent can hear and are usually then embarrassed enough to speak to the child themselves

Phew, glad you all agree. It's been playing on my mind because I'm SO scared of confontation [wuss emoticon]! In a classroom - no probs, but in RL - eek .

Shoshable, I would LOVE to have the guts to do that!

Custy, that's a great philosophy on life! Have you always been so wise?

It's hard to feel confident with older children when yours are so little. In a few years time you will laugh at yourself for needing to ask this question.

You absolutely did the right thing. We shouldn't be scared to speak to children who are out of order. We should do it politely and with the authority that comes with being a responsible adult.

I don't have any problem with someone speaking to my sons in the way you describe, I think we need more of it.

If that was my DS, apart from being very embarrassed that you had to tell him off, my immediate reaction would have been to ask him what he had done to make you tell him off - certainly not to be aggrieved with you.

If DS had said "nothing" and stuck to it then I would be aggrieved, but only because I have never known him to lie when asked a sufficiently direct question.

Deep respect for the clearly effective Dr Tanya voice, BTW - do you give lessons?

Exbury, I could give lessons but it doesn't make the slightest impression on my own dcs so I'm not sure I'm very good at it! However, shrieking harridan/fishwife I am a past master at .

Aaah - the "effective on other people's children only" Dr Tanya voice - yes, that one I can do. Do you think hers is ineffective on her own DC as well? I am trying to give up the screaming fishwife with DS as I have a sore throat all the time - I am finding a menacing whisper works quite well for the moment but I am sure it too will wear off...

Try speaking in a very calm, quiet voice and over pronouncing every "t". My dh says it scares the shit out of him when I talk like that to ds1. Ds1 isn't at all fazed though. My "screaming banshee" works better on him.

You did the right thing. you can't be expected to stand by and do nothing when someone hurts your child.

olihan you did the right thing, i wish more people would!

a similar thread from me!

(hope that linky works!)

same as everyone else. i definitely would have said something, probably sooner. if it was one of my dc being the mean one and i wasn't aware of their behaviour i would totally want someone (eg other parent) bringing it to my attention and would be fine about them telling my dc to pack it in.

You did absolutely the right thing.

I have to say that, because I have done the same myself before

Also, when DD has been a nightmare, I have hauled her out and told her off. I wish all parents would do that. Its great to allow your children to let off steam, but not at the expense of all the other children.

Actually I tink that is fine though I'm sure the other mother was probably embarassed that she missed it or hadn't been able to deal with it.

I will say this though - children on average are FAR more likely to do what an adult other than their parent says. So in motherly solidarity I think it is great to gently correct/reprimand another child if their parent dosn't see something happening. Chances are the child wll be more responsive to you than their parent anyway. It's the fear factor - not always a bad thing IMO.