Teen son has no friends

[Peanutbutter1973]

My 14 year old son has no friends. He had a lot of friends growing up. He was invited to birthday parties and had a lot of play dates. I got him involved in every activity possible but is not really athletic. He has flat feet, asthma, wears glasses and a little overweight. He loves video games, board games and movies. He is a bright, loving and obedient teen and we are a close family. I have put him in every sport/activity possible since he could walk but he never really enjoyed or excelled at much.
About two years ago I noticed his old friends were not calling as much but I had him busy curling during the weekends and he enjoyed that. He also spent time with my best friends son that is also the same age (and curled with him) so I was not overly worried. Throught the past few years though I noticed he has been spending more time alone in his room playing games or in his phone. He was not doing as well on his curling team as well, as his teammates were getting much than him and my friends son started growing a lot and going through puberty. My sons "friends" at school also started growing, changing, becoming more athletic while my son pretty much stayed the same. My son is always happy when I see him around his peers, he is usually just following them around, trying to be funny and fit in. I really don't get it, he may be a little shy, but there is nothing off putting about him? He is nice and friendly and there have been a few boys that really liked him as they themselves were outcasted but they also had other interests outside of school and my son didn't really want to hang out with them. He confided in me though that he often felt "invisible" & I had to hold back the tears.

But, my despair turned into hope when I saw him during his grade 8 graduation this summer. He had the time of his life. My husband was chaperoning and told me he was dancing and laughing all night and even danced with a few girls. I thought that the summer would turn things around, but it didn't. He was often on social media seeing all his friends get together doing all these fun things while he sat around. I decided to get him volunteer at a local science program for kids this summer and he did loved it. Unfortunately, all the other volunteers were "old" (in their 20's..but old to him):).

As high school was approaching this fall I was cautiously optimistic that he would meet friends. Even though he knows two "friends" from middle school going to his high school this would be s new start, now he could find others like him?

Well, high school started and one of my sons friends moved on and found new friends(pretty much has ignored my son) & his other "friend" from middle school is still around ..well kind of. I was very excited for my son when he got some texts the first week of school from a new kid he met. This boy just moved to the city. His new friend loves games, movies, anime, Star Wars and he is nice to my son!! He asked him to join a club with him, but instead they started their own film club!! Seriously I couldn't sleep at night thinking my son has a real friend & I secretly cried tears of joy believing my son was not awas staying up late every night writing scripts with his friend, texting, laughing...sending jokes..no video games have been played! I have never seen my son so happy & excited!!! I wish I took a pic of his glowing face! Then, all of a sudden, his "cool friend" from middle school decided to join their club along with another boy. And before you know it, his cool friend has taken over. My son invited the new boys(and his cool friend) to our house to work on their film but the plans changed & his cool friend invited the boys to his house instead behind my sons back. My son was invited last minute as he was texting them like crazy trying to figure out what was going on. But, due to other plans we had he couldn't go. The boys slept over at the cool friends house and he became "cooler". Now, to my sons dismay, his new friend and cool friend have become really close..."best friends" according to my son. Even though this new kid is "like him" he is much more social and outgoing. I told my son to ask his new friend to an anime/game convention but he has not done so. He has tried sitting with him in class but his "friend" from middle school got upset a guy him and told him thatthis boy "is his friend". My son has totally lost his confidence. I asked him to reach out to his new friend via text to invite him over and my son said he did. I have checked his phone, messages and my son lied to me. In fact, my son has not deleted any of his messages. He has messaged his new friend a few times but not much. He has sat alone at lunch a few times, and tried to be strong when he overheard his new friends and that damn middle school friend "leader" talk about the upcoming school dance that they did not invite him to. And he is too embarrassed to invite himself.

He is left behind again. I just can't believe this. I have encouraged him to join others groups, but he has not. I have tried to help him work on social skills but he gets offended. He has no one to play video games with...his old friends and acquaintances have moved on, are busy and not online. He only loves video games when he has someone to play with. He sits alone looking at videos on his phone. I told him I am willing to do have the boys over anytime, fund the movie, whatever it takes. I keep the doors of communication open but I just can not figure out why my funny, cute, loving son is so alone. My hope for high school has been crushed. I think he is crushed as well. He seems different, and he has lied to me about a few things. I wish I know what he is going through. I asked him to look around for other kids, like him. He tells me that it seems everyone knows everyone, has groups already, and when he had a friend, his cool friend "took hiM". My invisible boy. Maybe, in his own way, he has accepted this since he is so used to rejection. He still has his volunteer position at the science center which will keep him busy on weekends. I guess I have to keep on encouraging him to be himself, yet work on himself and find other things?.(whatever it can be). What else can I do?? Heartbroken mom!

It is SO hard to see your wonderful, precious child unhappy, and not to be able to help. The only thing I can say is that your son sounds like he will have lots of friends and be very happy as an adult, because he is interesting, friendly, kind, thoughtful, and perceptive. The age is is going through can be pretty hellish, and lots of the popular boys with many friends will be suffering just as much, even though it may not be as obvious.

My older son sounds quite a bit like your boy: very friendly, clever, slightly geeky, kind, able to talk about his feelings. He went through a terrible time: his friends turned away and excluded him, and it finally turned out that he was being bullied (things like people getting up and moving when he sat with them at lunch were even more hurtful than the name calling and teasing). I get annoyed when people talk about how teenaged girls are catty, mean, and manipulative, because in my experience, boys are exactly the same. We tried to help, and the school dealt with it quite well, but in the end, he home educated for one term and then went to a new school, where he made friends almost instantly.

My story about my son is not really relevant to you at the moment, I just wanted to show that boys are good at the subtler forms of meanness (like girls) and that it is important to keep an eye out just in case people not being very friendly turns into people trying to make your son feel bad.

I am not sure if you can do anything to help with friendships at this age. What you can do is show him that teenaged friendships are not the be-all and end-all, that volunteering, studying, having interests outside school, having relationships with people of all different ages...all of these things are important and valuable. Other teenagers will grow up and appreciate him, and, hard as it is to survive a lonely couple of years, you are there to have the perspective. You can show him that you are completely confident that things will be great when he is a little older, that he is a wonderful and valuable person, and that the teenage jungle of parties and hanging around on street corners smoking, is really horrible a lot of the time, even for those people who are good at it.

Sorry: I meant "the age he is going through can be hellish"

On a practical note, I would try to get him to limit the screen time, as I think it can be depressing, and also he is seeing things on social media which are guaranteed to make him feel worse.

Don't make the mistake of being too indulgent to him to make up for how he is feeling (I am not saying you are doing this). I think the more time he spends outside, working, helping around the house, seeing people who have nothing to do with school, pursuing his hobbies, reading, etc, the better he will feel. Of course, he will probably refuse to do any of that, and you won't be able to make him, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

Agree that 14 is a particularly difficult age. He slounds like a fun guy so he will be ok. Its important that you totally ha ve faith in him and never give him the idea that he is lacking in any way. I feel you may be a bit too involved. He is in a transition phase where once you planned his social life and soon he will be totally independent planning it.
Also if guys on sleepover whatever plans ye have he should still go so he is not sidelined.
My ds went through a tricky phase around friends at that age and spent a lot of time home playing games. I made sure our house was open to friends and bit by bit he took off. He has an amazing bunch of loyal friends now so try not to panic.
Is there a local youth club/ chess club etc he could join. Churches are often good for youth stuff and usually you don't have to be a member or anything.
Try to pull back a little and trust he will find his level while still having fun at home.

Thanks. I'm trying to find the balance of not interfering too much but trying to keep the lines of communication open. It's definitely not easy. Today he spent the day volunteering with my friends son (same age, they grew up together, but attend different schools) but the boys don't have much in common. At least he has someone to hang with occasionally especially when us friends get together. But generally he is alone. I asked him if he talked to any of his friends from school and he said he didn't. Most of the boys went to the school dance fri night & he would rather not know the details. I think for him he is just happier "not knowing" but it will bug him to hear how much fun everyone had when he returns to school. I think this pushes him further from the kids he has been trying to form friendships with. I know he has tried the past three weeks to make friends with boys he likes from his new school, but a little bit of rejection here and there has made him accept his position, again. He will "get by" at school and then spend his nights and weekends at home. I hope for his sake things gets better, maybe he will have some invites, make a new friend? For know I just have to work on his self esteem and keep him busy with other activities. It's sad for me to understand how this beautiful, kind, considerate young man can have absolutely no one to call for him, understand him or care for him? :(

I am sorry you are feeling so bad for him. It is very tough sometimes.

Just remember what nonsense most teenage friendships are, and how unpleasant most of the parties are. Don't romanticise it too much!

Most teens don't have friends who understand and care for them; they have a group of people around them, all self obsessed, desperate to feel significant, often inconsiderate, and generally desperate for "love". Your son is still working, volunteering, enjoying his hobbies; he is doing ok!

Thank you. Your words comfort me. I feel like not only am I living my life, I worry about his. Isn't that what moms do? He is a good person and perhaps I should be happy he doesn't have to deal with more pressure(drugs, alcohol, dating) & he can be safe at home enjoying his time here. I can see a turn in him this week, more acceptance I think that these boys are not really his friends. Perhaps within himself he can find a life that is not so lonely and thankfully he has us by his side.

Peanutbutter he is lucky to have such a loving and caring mum.

I really hope that just the process of all of them getting a little bit older makes things change, and that your lovely boy finds his group. As a parent, I felt quite helpless in this situation. I couldn't even ask my son about his social life in school, because I could see that he felt pressure and blame coming from my concern: "Why are you having trouble making friends...you need to make friends...what is wrong with you", is what he heard (even though obviously that isn't what I was saying).

It seems like all we can do is to keep gently encouraging them not to be reclusive, while also trying to communicate that their value (and their happiness) as human beings does not depend on their popularity at school.

Things seem to be getting worse.At school today he was purposely outcasted by his new "friends". I know his "cool" friend from middle school has been an influence. I saw some texts my son sent to his new friend and he purposely didn't reply back or even return my sons phone call at lunch today. He said he followed them to a store down the street at lunch and included himself. Poor kid does not want to be alone. To make the day worse his teacher had a group assignment and he made himself join the group with his cool friend and new one. I guess the new kid told him to "pull up his socks in the group or they won't let him join anymore". My son was in tears at home and I really fear this is affecting him now. I provided him with some strategies to deal with this.. asking the teacher to do the assignment alone, find someone else or another group and at lunch he can go to the library. I am so heartbroken right now for him. He said that "no one wants him". This is completely heart wrenching and I don't know how to help him.

I'm sorry I haven't read your full post because its late and I can hardly keep my eyes open.. how is he in himself?
Does he seem bothered by his lack of friends? (I'm sorry if I missed it)

He just started high school and through school (up to year 8) he has had "friends". A lot when he was little but less in the middle school years. No one really close though. He has had kids, like him, at his old school that he would hang out with during recess or for projects. He often would be ignored though by most of them though.
He is generally content at home, he has family, electronics, ...distractions. It bothers him at school for sure. When he finally made a friend when he started school and made a club with that friend he was so happy I cried. But, his cool friend took over and is now best friends with his new friend. He hates being outcasted, esp in class and lunch. it also bothers him that there is a lot of group work. Same thing happened in middle school where he started to feel invisible. He was worrie it would happen again and..it is. At least he used to have some outcasts like him that he grew up with for 10 years from preschool. All those kids are at different schools. He has no one to lean on, no other "outcast" that he knows. I can see that he is really anxious, I have never seen this before. I know he feels lonely at school, but now he is starting to have negative feelings about himself and his new school.

Peanut this is bullying. If I were you, I would talk to his tutor. I would make an appointment to see the tutor in person, and go in with a list of specific things that have happened. Your son may not want you to do this, but I think it is important for children to learn that you don't just accept bad situations; you do something about injustice.

It is very good that your son feels able to talk to you about this. When it started happening to my son (which I described in my first post) he was too ashamed to tell me. He thought there was something wrong with him because people were mean, and he didn't have the self-confidence to be able to talk about it.

You should be able to talk to your child's tutor in confidence, and if he is experienced and tactful, he should be able to explain exactly what he would do. Our son's tutor was good; he said that he needed our son to talk to him privately, tell him the name of the ringleader(s) and exactly what had happened. It didn't need to be something egregious, the moving away from him at lunchtime and teasing was enough. Then the tutor talked in a friendly but very firm way to the ringleader, explaining to him that this behaviour was very hurtful and taking the tone: "I know you probably think this is just a laugh, but it is wrong, and must stop immediately and completely." The tutor said that often the nastiness will stop, but that if it doesn't, the school would come down on the bully "like a ton of bricks".

I am telling you this because I thought the school's attitude was quite helpful. Some things which don't help are: general vague discussions about bullying with groups of children; getting a group of kids together to talk about it (including bully and victim) and say how everyone can do better; saying that being excluded and singled out isn't really bullying.

Oh and I would have the first meeting with the tutor without your son, so you can be very frank about everything.

How did it go? I recognize a lot of this myself, unfortunately.

Update. Well, my son is now in his second year of high school & finally puberty has come. He Is much taller but still a little awkward..still growing! He is doing well in school which is great! In regards to the friend situation I was quite happy half way into his first year of high school when he made friends!! He even joined a few clubs. I was crying tears of joy seeing him going out with these boys bowling, movies, Friday night board games and poker. They even came over a few times to hang out. The joy and happiness in him was remarkable...and much less screen time. I realized that video games is just a distraction...something to do when he is bored. Unfortunately, this came to a halt over a month ago. I would ask him about his game night with friends and the answer " they are busy".. "there is another group now". Poor kid..back at home playing video games...worried mom again. :( Found out that there was a party Halloween at one of these boys homes & he had no idea. They went to the pool a few weeks ago..one of them told my son that he couldn't go because he was not part of this "new group". But, my son seems to accept this...again. His one friend that he plays video games with every weekend for 2years..that I have encouraged him to actually hang out with..moved to another city!
He has been handing out resumes as he wants a job. My lovely kid got an interview but didn't get the job & was disappointed about this. He did well though and looked cute..practiced for the interview and everything. He is such a good kid. I wish he could just get a break. My sweet boy. I talked to him about his friends & I know deep inside it hurts but he just pushes it down and pretends. He still talks to these boys, one occasionally texts him some funny stuff but that's it. He even went out to buy him a gift card for his bday... yet the boy only talks to him at school and will reach out only when he has no one else. No one really texts him or cares or invites. He goes to his clubs at school yet does not really meet anyone cause..according to him..he already met " his friends". What else can I do? Just support and encourage. Hopefully a job will come up soon for him...he just needs someone to accept him and give my beautiful boy a chance.

I just had a thought...it's not that he can't make friends, it seems that he can't maintain the friendships. He told me that at lunch he sits with some a few boys that he has met but regards them more acquaintances. The friend group he had changed and it includes girls as one of the boys has a girlfriend. I know this happens with friendships, but it always seems to happen to him. I was cautiously optimistic when he met these boys that at some point this would happen again :(. I just don't know why.

Peanut Butter are you still around? I just found this thread because I wa sabout to post something similar. It is heartbreaking.

DS2 came back from school today with tears in his eyes. Last day of term they break up at lunchtime and everyone goes out for lunch in town. He'd been asking what plans people had and eveyrone was vague. He ended up hanging round MacDonalds in case he bumped into anyone but they'd all gone somewhere else and not invited him. At bloody Christmas. These are people that he'd like to think of as his friends but they make excuses and keep him on the outside.

Like your son, he is smaller and plumper, wears glasses and has several minor physical disabilities - no big deal but they stack up - he's not interested in or any good at sport and he's not a macho alpha male.

He is very funny, which you'd think would help, but he's not a show off, so he doesn't entertain the crowd unless he's familiar with them.. Like your son, there have been times when he appears to have a new group of friends and then is gradually sidelined. It happens all the time. He arranges a cinema visit but it gets cancelled last minute (then if he tries to rebook, everyone has suddenly already seen it.) He started going to gigs with a new set of friends and then bit by bit that seems to have become more problematic.

He likes gaming, and plays online with people but they don;t seem to want to mix with him so much in real life. I just keep wishing and praying that he finds a crowd who like him and actively include him. It's so disheartening that it repeats year in year out. If he was difficult, I'd understand. But he;s not. I wish I knew what keeps people away. I wonder if it's biological. They are teenage pack animals and don't want to be seen with the shorter chubbier one tagging along. I wish it didn;t make me dislike them, but it does, which won't help.

How is your son?

I can’t cope with these posts I’m heartbroken. Horrible horrible horrible. Kids have no idea how cruel and nasty they can be. If it’s any consolation, the kids sound pretty nasty and if anything take comfort from the fact your kid isn’t making others feel so horrible about themselves

Thank you Fabaunt. DS2 is still upset. Was fighting back tears as we said goodnight. I told him he had every right to be upset but that it probably felt worse right now because he was exhausted at the end of term and mid-winter makes lots of people feel low anyway. We're off to see a show tomorrow afternoon, so with any luck that will take his mind off it a bit.

How’s it going OP?

Just keep believing in him x

Hello Peanut, are you still on this thread?..I read your post and I was reading my own story. I cried the entire time. I live the same situation with my son. I hope that someday we can both come back here with better news. I send you a big hug and I wish our sons could be friends.

Proud mom of two teens, my daughter who has more friends than she can count and a son who has nobody. Both are fun, adventurous, great kids. The are blessed with beauty inside and out. I struggle with being happy for our daughter because I am so broken with my son. I want the best for both of them but only one is living the fullest life. My son has ADD but how can this be the reason he has no friends? So many kids have it too and they have friends. I torture myself trying to understand why? My son is witty, handsome funny, adventurous. Like Peanut in this discussion, my son will always start the year with friends and after a month in everyone is gone. They don't include him, they keep him out of the group chats or any get together they have. We changed schools, seemed promising but the same thing happens. What is it about my son that people his age don't like? I try to get answers but the only thing I'm told is he's annoying. He's too full of energy. How can anyone treat someone so badly, exclude him from every single event, party, get together on or off campus because he's too much energy? I have often felt like my pain would be the death of me. My heart break is almost too much to bare at times. Some of my friends have sons my sons age and they stand by and do nothing. They know my son doesn't have friends and they don't encourage their own sons to include him. I would never do that to anyone if I knew what was going on. I'm at a loss. My son is "fun" to be around according to his peers but "annoying" at the same time. So that makes it OK for everyone he knows to shun him, not include him? He's loving, not a mean bone in his body. Won't anyone accept this child and be a real friend and teach him? Be honest enough that if he starts to be annoying point it out and say, "I love you dude, this is one of those times you need to chill". Kids are cruel. My son is 15 and for his entire school life I have cried in despair for him. This all began at a very early age, about 2nd grade. He's normal but apparently different. His own sister who's a year older can't explain it. She said nothing is wrong with him, he's nice, fun and compassionate. That he can get annoying by getting too excited or too joyful and just wants to fit in. My son just try's too hard. These same grade school boys have all banned together and for his entire school life they have shunned him. We sent him to a private school and same thing, word get's out, people know people and suddenly he's alone at the new school too. I got on the internet looking for answers and came across this discussion. I wonder Peanut-butter, how are you doing? Did anything every get better for your son? I hope so. It's nice to know I'm not the only mom in pain for this reason. All my friends don't have this problem and it feels so isolating for me. I have pulled away from most of them. Since my son never has plans, neither do my husband and I. We don't make plans so our son doesn't have to stay home alone even though he goes to his room, shuts the door, doesn't turn on any lights and sits in darkness on his phone looking at Snap Chat seeing how much fun everyone is having but himself. It's not right and it makes me hate every single child out there because they can be so cruel. We sometimes make his sister include him and she does because she loves her brother. But she is not her brothers keeper and she shouldn't have to carry that weight around her. She has her own life. Why can't someone just love my son?

This is heartbreaking to read. All you want is for your child to be happy and accepted. I really feel for you and him.
It sounds like you've done so much to help - he is lucky to have you.
Are there any local clubs for any nerd/ geek culture, so he could meet like-minded people? Maybe from other schools. Similar in age. I know where I am there are board game cafes, video game arcades etc. Do any of them have socials for teens?
As others have ssid though all of this will change as he grows up, as he sounds like a wonderful, multifaceted young man. As Bill Gates said 'nerds will inherit the earth', and that cool kid will be shining his shoes x

Pondlife, thank you for your kind reply. I didn't know Bill Gates said that! I love that. I appreciate any feedback. I have been sad most of my sons life from him not be included and I'm just now starting to try to change my mind set. Stop being sad and just feel blessed that he's mine and I am so lucky to have him. These are tough times but I actually joked to myself today, I'm 50 now and I can't remember a single thing about high school. Not sure if I was popular or not, it doesn't matter anymore. I have two incredible children and a loving husband all who are healthy. I'm trying to focus on that. All we can do is keep praying about it. Thanks again!

Can any of the sad mums with lonely teen boys on this thread please give an update on how everything is going now? How are your boys? I am going through something very similar now and my heart breaks over and over again for my 14 year old son.