How much do you get done in a day with a 4 month old?

[StripyDeckchair]

DH and I are having a disagreement - not a row as such but it's getting a bit tense - about how much I can get done in the day. Whenever DH has our DS, who is 4 months, he seems to be able to get stuff done - emails, cooking, tidying up -and he can't fully understand why I can't do the same.

Yesterday he was working till 9 o'clock in the evening and he said 'you'll be fine to sort out your own dinner won't you?' He would grab something whilst he was out. Well, DS cluster fed from when we got in from our afternoon group at 5 until about 8. I managed to change him into his bedtime clothes and attempted to put him down once whilst he was sleeping but he woke up crying straight away. So I just held him until 9 and ate cream crackers out of the packet.

DH was baffled once he got back and said I could just have put him in his bouncy chair and got on with it. How? I don't get it.

Yes, if I catch DS in the right mood or get him to nap not on me and not in the moving pram then I get half an hour here and there but otherwise I'm stuck. He cries if I'm not with him and paying attention to him. I think that's normal - isn't it?

I think DH lets him grizzle more than I do (though never leaves him to full on cry) and he only has him solo for relatively short periods of time because DS is EBF and doesn't take a bottle. Maybe DS is just different with his Dad? Maybe he's more relaxed with him? I'm finding motherhood quite tough and maybe he's picking up on how tense I feel?

I've really tried today and have managed to put a wash on, half stack the dishwasher and make myself some porridge but the cost has been a very grumpy DS and no proper playtime for us yet today. Plus I haven't yet managed a shower or lunch or a bath for him. I have fed him on demand and, of course, changed him multiple times.

DH says he doesn't want to put me under any pressure, has no expectations, and he thinks I'm doing a great job but he's also clearly at a bit of a loss as to what we do all day.

I take DS out to groups 4 days a week -because I feel really cooped up if we're in all day - but often need DH's help to get ourselves organised to do that.

Is it meant to be this difficult? I should underline DH is more than pulling his weight with doing cleaning, cooking,etc. I think he just assumed that by now I'd be able to do more.

What is realistic to get done in a day with a 4 month old?

(In case anyone suggests this I have tried 2 different types of sling and DS has just cried and cried in both. Going to try a 3rd next week to see if it's any better).

I can totally relate, my husband still manages to achieve more than me when he has our two. He works part time too so does it regularly but the house is spotless when I get in from work and dinner is made.

If you weren't comparing yourself you to do I would say you are doing plenty!! Maybe doing the dishwasher or putting a load in the washer each day, but not every day. It does get easier as they get a few months bigger, maybe 8 months was a massive turning point for me.

Final thought, if you baby is ebf your sleep and energy levels are completely different for you and your husband. He might be able to multi task whereas you don't have the energy for that yet.

Kxxx

I barely got anything done at that age!

Maybe shower, load dishwasher and do a load of laundry. Maybe.

I focused on just trying to make sure DD was sorted and anything else was a bonus. Getting out the house was hard enough and I tried to do that most days if possible to stop me going stir crazy.

DD is 2 now and to be honest I still massively struggle to get housework done. But showers and meals and naps are much much easier!

Everything, because said 4 month old is not my only child and my husband works away -- we only see him a few times a week. It just takes practice, you'll get in a good routine sooner or later!

Thanks all. DS has only just started to sleep a bit better at night - only wakes 2-3 times rather than 4 or 5 so I think I'm still pretty tired. DH does help on the night before his day off but is limited in what he can do because of the breastfeeding.

user DH went away for 3 days recently and the first thing I said when he got back was 'I have no idea how people do this on their own long term'. Parents who manage completely or mostly on their own are amazing.

Is it naps? Slings? What enables you to have your hands free? As I say DS isn't happy to be put down anywhere for more than a few mins and rarely naps unless being held or on the move. Maybe I need to focus more on working on daytime naps.

I don't think I could have got through the first 6 months at all without a sling so if your ds doesn't like them then you're already doing amazingly to get anything done at all! What types have you tried?

Agree on the sleep thing - you're probably already starting out the day tired as you've been up in the night, plus I'm assuming your dh only has him for 3 or so hours at a time? Completely different to a whole day alone - sure he maybe gets himself dinner but that's not the same as managing 3 meals plus all the cleaning up in between, all the while going slightly insane as you've had no adult contact all day!

I'm on my own with a 5 mth old op and tbh I don't get much done in the day except the essentials! Hoover once a week, clean bits at any available moment..e.g run ds a bath and clean the bathroom basin whilst the water is running or wipe kitchen surfaces while waiting for the kettle to boil. No opportunity is missed! My ds is a real crier and despite people telling me to just leave him to cry a moment I find it too distressing to listen to and just can't! Ds goes in bouncy chair while a shower then I quickly dress, grab a load of washing and carry it down with ds..bung it in the machine and sit down to bf. My days are full of stress as can never seem to satisfactorily complete any task and I just bung a frozen ready meal in the microwave to eat for dinner while breastfeeding. You're not alone in this, believe me! Id love an answer too

My little girl is 17 weeks old and I get fuck all done. I managed to vacuum half of downstairs last week and the vacuum cleaner is still sitting in the middle of the dining room floor. She was going down for naps, albeit only for 30 mins at a time, but that's stopped now and she's also started waking 6/7 times a night. So frankly, if I make it through the day without having a meltdown I think I'm doing pretty well 👍

Mine are all teenagers now and I still haven't got it sussed 😀. Don't worry too much but try and take 2 mins to make a sandwich instead of eating cream crackers for your dinner. A wise older lady said to me when I was in your shoes...'these times come and these times go...'.

My OH has said similar things and when I've said about DD crying he's said just to put her in her bouncer and get on with what I need to do but I find that incredibly difficult/pretty much impossible.
I also think it's easy for a man to do more when they've a) had a good nights sleep and b) are only doing it for a short time so don't need to conserve their energy in the same way you do when you're doing it all the time. Also breastfeeding takes up so much time so that's also your answer.
When my DD suddenly started being happy in her bouncer for ten minute periods or lying on her play mate I found I could get so much more done

This thread has made me feel so much better!! Some days I'm not even dressed when OH gets home and definitely agree getting out (when she doesn't freak out going in the buggy!) definitely easier than being in the house all day..... but doesn't always happen. Sling a no go here too!! Can only get better right?? X

If you have a Velcro baby, who's being EBF, be happy just getting dressed

I do think it's unfair to question/raise what you do all day.

When DH has our youngest for a few hours, he gets nothing done. I just say 'see, now you know' jokey obviously. But he totally gets it.

When I get tonnes of stuff done like emails, housework etc it's because I'm ignoring DS2 - or more likely involving his siblings to play with him.

I'd say if your DH is getting stuff done, he's letting him grizzle. What's the longest he's had him?

I think there's a lot to be said for not having to do it every day! It's one thing to do a couple of hours really well. However, When you have done pregnancy, birth, all the night shifts (if breastfeeding) and the bloody boring monotonous day to day stuff for months you somehow lose your pizazz! A lot easier to get loads done if it's a bit of a novelty and you've had non baby related adult company, a life away from the home and a reasonable night's sleep!dont beat yourself up. We all just do the best we can and some days are better than others. I remember at 4 months with DS being incredibly proud of having a hot jacket potato waiting in the oven for DH when he got home!!

Also mine is 18 months now and climbing, pulling down stuff, getting up to mischief. He cannot be left.

There is a window of opportunity to be had, when baby is more content, when they learn to sit up and amuse themselves for short periods. Before they learn to crawl. Then you'll be able to do stuff. That window isn't a big one, so do enjoy it when it comes along!

Thank you all - this has made me feel so much better. DH is off this afternoon and we had another chat and he did say that he thinks it makes a big difference that his time with DS is more limited and if DS ever gets really upset he will just hand him over for a feed. So, he realises our experiences are different.

DS is a baby who wants to be close most of the time still - wish he liked slings!

Crabbo - we've tried a Caboo and Baby Bjorn. Any recommendations for others welcome!

No idea, I was back at work full time by the time my son was 6 weeks old. This was the 80's though, no long maternity leave then.

I think also back in the 80's we didn't pick our kids up every time they cried, they just had to get on with it. I'd put him in his bouncy chair and get on with dinner, cleaning etc and he'd just have to cry. Likewise in the night, he slept right through by three months otherwise I would have died of exhaustion.
My friends who have kids today seem to not be able to let them even whimper without rushing to pick them up including my much younger sister.
My son isn't traumatised by being left to cry he is a well balanced 35 year old who loves his mum.

That's really good you've had a chat with your DH, and he realises your experiences are different. Talking is the key to everything

Honestly, do not worry about your baby wanting to be close. Perfectly natural. This time really will fly by so fast, and he'll be a walking talking toddler before you know it

Plus there's the separation anxiety to look forward to yet

I didn't get much done at all when ds was 4 months. He would go in the bouncy chair whilst I unloaded the dishwasher or put a wash on or sorted clean washing but I needed to be paying attention to him too, singing or talking to him about what I was doing, or he'd just cry. He would go in his swing or lie on his playmat for short periods but not for long enough to get much done!

It's much easier now he is 6 months. He will sit in the high chair and amuse himself with toys (dropping and looking for the toys, usually!) whilst I cook a meal for dinner or clean the kitchen etc. He is also very happy in the jumperoo if he can see me!

My baby y is 3 months old. She's pretty chilled so getting stuff done is fine. She'll play for 45 mins - 1 hr straight, on her mat, so with that and naps (now we've solved putting her down for them), I do laundry, clean, cook and I've recently started doing a lot of baking. I make sure I go out every day for a few hours, so sometimes don't do a lot if chores, but that's because I'm going g out meeting people, rather than doing housework, rather than I can't.

I think it depends a lot on the personality of your baby, and also things like your own ability to multi-task/be quick with things, and energy levels (which are affected by sleep levels etc).

I've no doubt that if I had a more high maintenence battery y it would be more difficult, but with one baby, I don't think a bit of cooking and cleaning and doing some things with your day should be unachievable, or how do people ever manage with more than one baby? You kind of have to manage when it comes to a second, or your toddler would starve etc.

Baby not battery. Obviously

Jumperoo. The jumperoo is the best invention ever. I shove him in there for 20 mins and run around like a loon cleaning and tidying the kitchen and living room. I have written off upstairs.

I think it's realistic in a day to do the following with a 4 month old BF baby:

1. Wake up
2. Look after the baby
3. fall asleep

Anything else is outstanding. You're right OP the relationship between you and the baby is different from your DH because the baby doesn't smell milk when he's dealing with him, the attachment is different.

@Blueskyrain please share your napping secrets!!!!!!!!!! My baby haaaaaaaates to nap!!!!!!! Aghhhhhh

One thing that me and DP realised fairly quickly was that because we we're EBF whenever DD was with me that's what she wanted. if i left her with DP i would have fed her first so not only was she full but she also knew she wouldn't get any more from him so she just got on with playing/watching etc without bothering DP.

Routine routine. When you're having a good day, double dinner and freeze one for a bad day. Do the floors with baby in a sling, the noise often sends them to sleep. I prepare next morning's breakfast the night before when my children are in bed so that I don't have to expend much energy early in the morning. I speed clean when they're sleeping and tidy the whole house when we're having a peaceful 15 min or so 3-4 times a day. Primarily I just force myself because I've learned that thinking "well I'll get to that tomorrow" basically guarantees that the next day baby won't want anything except to cluster feed and I'll end up two days behind. Obviously you don't have to do any of this! Keeping them alive is enough. This is just what I do because I have almost no help so I haven't much choice, and I could safely be accused of being over zealous with my house cleaning even pre-DC