How much do you get done in a day with a 4 month old?

[StripyDeckchair]

DH and I are having a disagreement - not a row as such but it's getting a bit tense - about how much I can get done in the day. Whenever DH has our DS, who is 4 months, he seems to be able to get stuff done - emails, cooking, tidying up -and he can't fully understand why I can't do the same.

Yesterday he was working till 9 o'clock in the evening and he said 'you'll be fine to sort out your own dinner won't you?' He would grab something whilst he was out. Well, DS cluster fed from when we got in from our afternoon group at 5 until about 8. I managed to change him into his bedtime clothes and attempted to put him down once whilst he was sleeping but he woke up crying straight away. So I just held him until 9 and ate cream crackers out of the packet.

DH was baffled once he got back and said I could just have put him in his bouncy chair and got on with it. How? I don't get it.

Yes, if I catch DS in the right mood or get him to nap not on me and not in the moving pram then I get half an hour here and there but otherwise I'm stuck. He cries if I'm not with him and paying attention to him. I think that's normal - isn't it?

I think DH lets him grizzle more than I do (though never leaves him to full on cry) and he only has him solo for relatively short periods of time because DS is EBF and doesn't take a bottle. Maybe DS is just different with his Dad? Maybe he's more relaxed with him? I'm finding motherhood quite tough and maybe he's picking up on how tense I feel?

I've really tried today and have managed to put a wash on, half stack the dishwasher and make myself some porridge but the cost has been a very grumpy DS and no proper playtime for us yet today. Plus I haven't yet managed a shower or lunch or a bath for him. I have fed him on demand and, of course, changed him multiple times.

DH says he doesn't want to put me under any pressure, has no expectations, and he thinks I'm doing a great job but he's also clearly at a bit of a loss as to what we do all day.

I take DS out to groups 4 days a week -because I feel really cooped up if we're in all day - but often need DH's help to get ourselves organised to do that.

Is it meant to be this difficult? I should underline DH is more than pulling his weight with doing cleaning, cooking,etc. I think he just assumed that by now I'd be able to do more.

What is realistic to get done in a day with a 4 month old?

(In case anyone suggests this I have tried 2 different types of sling and DS has just cried and cried in both. Going to try a 3rd next week to see if it's any better).

Agree with routine! To me it makes life so much easier. Also getting out the house every day makes you feel so much better, like you've automatically achieved something. When my twins were your ones age I had the aim of getting them in the pram and out the house by 1130 everyday for a massive walk in the park to make them sleep for 2 hours (loved the days I had a friend to chat to).

This may be controversial but always think of someone who has it harder than you. This was my motivation for getting things done. So I went to visit an old school friends Mum (I have twins this lady had twins in the 80s). She said to me "people in the village always felt sorry for me out walking newborn twins, a 2 year old, 2 dogs and had a husband at home in a wheelchair". Then she told me it was one of the happiest times of her life

Well it's obvious isn't it - he gets more done because he isn't breastfeeding?!

Totally agree with Landy. I also have twins and my motivation is the lady I know with triplets!

Seriously, just getting through the day is fine at four months, I would say. However, if not getting housework etc done is really bothering you (rather than your DH), then take it from me, a bit of crying doesn't harm them. My DH works long hours and so I am on my own with the twins a lot. When they were little I could only feed one at a time so has no choice but to put the other down in the bouncer and make them wait. The crying tore my nerves to shreds to start with but, guess what, they eventually learn to wait a few minutes. These days I often use a jumperoo to entertain the one I'm not dealing with.

Well, I got shitloads done when mine was five months old.

I changed him repeatedly in a day.
I changed his outfit several times cos it had been shat/weed/vomited on.
I fed him from my own body, which was fucking exhausting and took bloody hours at a time.
Five months was also when mine got suddenly distractable, so before I'd even started that, I'd have to spend twenty minutes at a time trying to persuade a crying, hungry baby to latch on, while he just kept getting distracted by exciting bits of wallpaper.
I'd wind him and deal with trapped wind. This could also take a fucking age.
When he was tired and wanted a nap or a sleep - usually about three times a day - I'd spent AT LEAST twenty minutes rocking, walking, feeding, singing, putting him in the pushchair and walking him round the block. Often more.
I'd top and tail him twice a day.
Some days I'd even give him a bath.
I'd talk to him, play with him, bounce him, sing to him, cuddle him, make him giggle.
I'd get dressed.
I'd have a shower.
I'd clean my teeth - twice a day!
I'd pack a changing bag with nappies, clean clothes, wet wipes, nappy cream, nappy bags.
I'd dress the baby in warm clothes and LEAVE THE HOUSE. (I know. Get me.)
I'd take him to exciting educational activities like drinking tea at my mate's house or dozing on mummy at baby cinema. I think we even made it to singing group once.
I'd correctly diagnose whether his cries were hunger, wind, trapped wind, exhaustion, teething or something else, and solve it.
I'd catch up on sleep missed through being woken up in the night.

I mean, that's loads, right?

Oh, wait, you meant did I get anything ELSE done? Um ... Well, I made a bowl of cereal and a sandwich most days. Some days I even managed a cup of tea.

You're doing fine, OP. I find it bizarre that the sheer drudgery of looking after a baby counts so little as work that we don't even count it as anything. It even rates way below housework. But it is something. It's hard work.

It partly depends how important the other stuff is to you, doesn't it? And there are no rules about that. I also have a four month old (and a toddler) would go insane if I didn't get the shopping/ dishwasher/ basic cleaning / laundry / cooking done every day: there is just so much of it and I can't stand living in a messy dirty house. I also feel very depressed if I eat badly, because food is a big pleasure for me (and am a bit underweight and depleted after terrible pregnancy). So I would much rather put the baby down and tolerate some crying than not get that other stuff done. And I have a freelance type job, so it would be pretty suicidal not to keep up with work emails, reading etc, just an hour or so a day.

Probably your husband feels the same. But that isn't to say that this way is better! I'm also breastfeeding but not exclusively any more, and find the odd bottle of formula helps DC to sleep for longer and grumble less. If you feel happy and content snuggling with your baby then screw the rest of it. There's nothing actually wrong with a dinner of cream crackers, you know...

My baby's 16 weeks and I haven't touched the vacuum since she was born. As long as you are both happy, housework really doesn't matter!

My DS is 6 months old and I barely get anything done other than look after him (obviously) and getting myself showered and dressed. I can go out with him as he is generally happy to be out and about, but when we're at home he doesn't last long in his bouncer chair or on his play mat before he wants attention.

However... I do think it sounds unusual for a 4 month old baby to be feeding non-stop from 5pm to 8pm, did I read that right? Does that happen often? Just wondering as feeding for hours and hours can be sign of tongue tie (it was for DS).

Honestly I was back into my normal routine at the 4 month mark. As in, all the cleaning and cooking and household/garden stuff was done etc. But that was because I put the kids in a routine very early on, both slept through at 8 weeks and had a routine of when to eat and nap so i made it easier for myself in that sense. If you're still feeding on demand and baby doesn't eat or nap at the same times each day then you shouldn't expect yourself to do much, it's very chaotic. I remember the first couple of weeks after birth drove me insane, baby ate on and off and slept on and off and I couldn't keep on top of the housework (I have OCD so could not just 'leave the housework and nap when baby naps'). Once you figure a routine and baby is sleeping more during the night you will fall back to how you was before and be able to have more time to yourself.

There is so much pressure on new mums nowadays, please don't put pressure on yourself too, you're doing an amazing job as it is and that is all that matters x