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Original poster

does it make me a bad mother?

34 replies

gingernutlover · 04/04/2007 14:13

I have realised - with some sadness that I dont really enjoy being with dd

She is 18m, and I work part time as a teacher, so normally only spend 2 dyas a week alone wqith her - and keep very busy with toddlers, shopping etc -0 we are hardly in house

It is now easter hols and I actually dread the thought of long days alone with her

I am the first to admit that I am not the most maternal person.

She is very tantrummy and has always been hard to please. Gets bored easily as do I.

The easter hols are only 2 weeks and with the long weekend and me still using some of her nursery sessions I shall get there, but oh my god, summer is 6 long weeks at home with dd, just the two of us.

HOw come I enjoy teaching a class of 4 year olds yet, find time spent with my own duaghter very very difficult.

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Original poster
gingernutlover · 04/04/2007 14:20

yesterday we went to shops in morning, where she really enjoyed walking round flirting with all the assistants in currys then back home where shge had big scream up on driveway cos she realised we wewre going home.

A friend came for lunch and then she had a nap

After her nap,. my nan had phoned and asked us round for a cuppa, big scream up when I dieghned help dd with her shoes - she screamed the whole way in the car to my nans - about 15 min drive.
then was sweetness and light all the tiume we were there.

then home for tea and wonderful daddy comes home so all happy then - sure she likes him more than me

bed

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OonaghBhuna · 04/04/2007 14:20

I think being home alone is difficult especially with toddlers. I find that the better days are the ones where I have planned things to do. I take my dd on wlks to the beach,the park or we go to national trust properties which are great fun now that the weather is warmer. During term time we go to mothers and toddlers, tumbletots and swimming. On the days that we dont have groups I try to do art with them , finger, hand painting scibbling.
Maybe just planning things will make it easier and being in contact with other parents as it always helps to get that social contact during the day.
I try not to be in the house too much but thats good for children to be out and about.

Original poster
gingernutlover · 04/04/2007 14:22

I know, just feel bad when her daddy says she should be allowed to be at home playing with her toys - but she wont just play, she has to be attached to me if we are at home (somehow this is easier if I am out or with others, less invasive in a way)

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compo · 04/04/2007 14:25

Is it possible to structure the day even when your at home?
Something like Monday go to the park and collect folwers/ leaves etc, Mnday afternoon at home paint them, glue them etc etc.
Or in the morning go shopping and puck up a packet cake mix, and in the afternoon bake it

Original poster
gingernutlover · 04/04/2007 14:25

but the fact remains that I dont enjoy her like I thought I would. All the time she was a little baby, I felt the dsame and used to think, it will come when she is older but it doesnt seem to have happened yet

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Original poster
gingernutlover · 04/04/2007 14:26

compo

do you think she is old enough to be doing gluing and painting and baking? doing it and enjoying it you know, not just sitting watching me?

I always imagined doing these type of things and enjoying them

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compo · 04/04/2007 14:29

I think at 18 months whilst she probbaly won't be much actual help she'll love having a spoon and a bowl, licking the dirty spoon. She'll love painting too. As it gets warmer you can do the whole caboodle outside to limit the mess
Also what is your garden like? If you can get one of those sand table she'll love playing with that and water and you might even get to sit in a deck chair near by!!

madamez · 04/04/2007 14:29

Not everyone finds the company of small children that thrilling. As long as you're not beating/starving/abandoning her in the middle of the motorway, you're not a bad parent. Also, bear in mind that a lot of LOs play up the parent they see the most of because they take that person for granted - they then behave beautifully for everyone else.
As other posters have said, spend time out of the house - toddler groups, walks in the park, trips to the playground. Are there other kids of the same age whose parents/daytime carers are people you get on with? You could arrange to meet up with someone else in the local park or playground, maybe...

OonaghBhuna · 04/04/2007 14:30

I suppose at 18 months they still need alot of 1:1 attention when playing.My routine is usually to do something in the morning then at lunchtime dd has her nap and then in the afternoon we play in the house. The tv gets put on when I need to cook her dinner or she plays in the kitchen. I have a small table that she uses for drawing etc.

Original poster
gingernutlover · 04/04/2007 14:30

she is very into sorting and methodical play, rather than running around mad play, she loves to arrange her little poeple or build towers, so maybe she would like to make cakes and do stirring and things - yes thanks =- that has given me new hope. Was beginning to think I am a very selfish mummy

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Original poster
gingernutlover · 04/04/2007 14:32

I was thinking about a sand/water table now the weather is nicer, think she would like that, also have got mothercare vouchers from competition so maybe will go before I get her from nursery (very guiltily took her this morning even though I am not working)

she has a friend coming for the day at the weekend , my friend the mum is going out for the day so I said I would take the 2 of them, but am dreading it

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Original poster
gingernutlover · 04/04/2007 14:34

am now rereading the post about her being methodical and paniking that she is autistic - some one tell me thats not a sign !

I think her and the friend might do sand/water together???????????

Mmmmm, maybe cooking too.

And my friend has a double buggy that we share so will def get that and perhaps go to feed the ducks

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snipersmum · 04/04/2007 14:34

gn, I found this stage just awful too with the first - I would hate to go back to it. With the second it has been much better as they have entertained each other more. When ds1 turned 2 and his communication and curiosity took off things got a LOT easier, and now I accept that there are some things I will never be any good at (painting with them is one of those things), and so we do the things I do enjoy - such as playing outside, reading stories etc, or they just help me with what I am doing - eg cleaning the car together can last a good 2 hours if you have the patience, and they get thoroughly absorbed. I did buy some books on Amazon to give me some ideas, which helped a bit, but it would have been cheaper just to pinch ideas from CBeebies. PS I take my hat off to you that you can enjoy being with a room full of 4 year olds - the thought scares me to death

Original poster
gingernutlover · 04/04/2007 14:35

okay, now feeling a bit calmer and thanks, maybe it is not just me being a bad mummy then

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snipersmum · 04/04/2007 14:37

cooking is still their favourite thing - and sticker books too if that helps, and playdough while I am cooking. Also, a big muddy puddle in the garden keeps them going for over an hour while I potter. You are NOT selfish!!! Not all of us are mary Poppins.

Original poster
gingernutlover · 04/04/2007 14:37

thanks snipersmum

the four year olds are fine honest, you just gotta have THE LOOK and the VOICE hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

I have only been teaching 5 years but someone told me the other day I was considered to be one of the scarey teacher's! how I laughed ...........

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OonaghBhuna · 04/04/2007 14:37

Little sticker books are good fun, and those felt sets are aswell. I always set blank paper with her felt tips and crayons so every now and then she can just go and scribble whenever she wants.I would also recommend duplo we have a huge box of that.

Original poster
gingernutlover · 04/04/2007 14:38

and wow you get to potter? I wish I did, but am hoping it will come with time.

I think I will just try some of the things we do at school, at home, like big painting in the garden with water and brushes, or gloop maybe

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snipersmum · 04/04/2007 14:39

It's the questions that get me..... 'why do wheels roll?' etc. I know I should be glad they are curious etc, but sometimes I'd just rather read a rubbish magazine (or play on MN)

Original poster
gingernutlover · 04/04/2007 14:39

right, am off to spend some mothercare vouchers am determined that I wil;l get through it and come out the other side

guess it has just come as a suprise to me not to enjoy it cos I love my job and it seemed like somthing I would be naturally good at

yeah right

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snipersmum · 04/04/2007 14:42

I am sure it will come:I couldn't potter with DS1 when he was this age and an only child - he is still rubbish at playing alone, but now he has a brother he is better, and DS2 much prefers to be off on his own without parental interference. I have a few friends that have told me they have at least one child who wants to always be entertained. Amother idea - outside chalks for the pavement/patio?

hotcrossbunny · 04/04/2007 14:42

I'm an infant teacher in a former life too. I wondered why I found it less enjoyable with dd too, yet was full of ideas for my class of 5 year olds.
Teaching is a job, you are paid and then the chn go home at the end of the day. It's all really structured, you all know what is expected of you, and you're with a mixture of chn who entertain each other.
At home it is 1:1. Mummy is the entertainer, nose wiper, cook, story reader on tap all the time. There is no break from it. I found getting out and about invaluable. We feed ducks, go to the library, go for tea and cake, playpark, garden centre etc. Anything to break up the day.
Dd is 3.5 now and I'm really enjoying it. there is hope!

Original poster
gingernutlover · 04/04/2007 14:43

ooooh yes, now these are all things I would happily do for half an hour with her. Just getting a bit sick of giving the dolly her bottle games.

and there is no way I am gonna have another just so I can see if they play nicely together, no way, not on this earth

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TooTicky · 04/04/2007 14:43

My 20mo dd2 loves cooking but you have to be prepared for a certain amount of mess, especially when stirring cake mixture. She loves the feel of bread dough and will spend ages squeezing/shaping it. Cutting out biscuits fun too but more complicated. She also enjoys pretend cooking with pans/bowls/whole fruit and veg.
Painting is good but easiest if done outside in old clothes/naked on a warm day. If you're not worrying about mess you will be able to relax more.
My dd2 adores playing in the sand pit and water play is great too.
We like going to the library too and many libraries have a weekly story/rhyme session.
How about swimming?
Gardening with small tools?

Original poster
gingernutlover · 04/04/2007 14:44

and thankyou hot cross bunny for your words of hope, glad you enjoying it now

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