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Original poster

In law nightmare after baby loss

38 replies

user1485778793 · 12/09/2017 20:16

I've posted a couple of threads over the last 6 months about problems with my in-laws (nasty comments about pregnant body/I'm making my unborn baby even poorlier (He was very poorly) and mil removing baby from incubator and lying about it)

Sadly our baby died a few weeks ago at 11 weeks old. We knew from 20 weeks that he was seriously ill and multiple operations would be needed, he had a few procedures but they refused to do anymore as they said he would die on the table. After going through hell we chose a hospice as the right place for him to die. We invited family to spend time with us as a family before he was taken off life support at the hospice and allowed to pass. All my family were there straight away. My husband's brother refused to come as he was too upset and my in-laws spent the time at the hospice in hysterics. They made what we wanted to be a special time really difficult so we had to ask them to leave.

There have been so many instances since January where my husband's family have let the 3 of us down....mostly him. He wanted his brother here to the point he cried. His brother refused as he was too upset to drive. He could have got a lift/taxi etc but he put his own feelings first. His parents the same. His mum sat at the hospice wailing about her miscarriage and her mother's still birth.

I'm so angry at them for being selfish and not giving my husband any support at all. My husband told his mum he was upset his brother hadn't come and she shouted at him that they were all hurting.

None of his family can put him first, before their own feelings.

Eventually his brother came to the hospice 5 days later, he was hysterical and staff had to ask him to leave.

His family want to pretent nothing has happened and play happy families now and I can't bear to be around them. I can't live a lie. My husband has made it very clear to them he is disappointed in how they have been since January.

I don't want to be anywhere near them. His mum is bat shit. Extremely controlling, very bossy and lies to get out of taking responsibility for her nutty behaviour.

Anyone got any suggestions for dealing with them?

OP posts:

TheABC · 12/09/2017 20:20

Go low-contact for now and seek counselling? Ultimately it's your husband who needs to decide, but you can quietly back off from gatherings and visits until you both had a chance to grieve. I am sorry for your loss.

BrandNewHouse · 12/09/2017 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Phillipa12 · 12/09/2017 20:24

Op im so so sorry to hear about your baby, i did read and follow your thread. There really are no words to descibe the loss of a child and you need support around you at this time. Your inlaws have behaved appallingly and personally i would be going non contact with them untill both you and your husband feel able to deal with them. Xx

SophieofShepherdsBush · 12/09/2017 20:25

I would go no contact for now. Give yourself space to heal. I'm so sorry for everything you have been through.

stealthbanana · 12/09/2017 20:27

💐 gosh, they sound awful. You must look after yourself. Forget about them. I am so very sorry for your loss 💐

Ttbb · 12/09/2017 20:28

I am so sorry for your loss. I could never forgive, or so much as look at them, again. What horrible people.

RJnomore1 · 12/09/2017 20:28

I've read your threads too and I'm so so sorry for the loss of your precious little boy.

These people don't deserve your time or thoughts. I'm so sorry they are adding to your pain

Nomoresunshine · 12/09/2017 20:29

I remember your posts. So sorry about your special baby.
At this time you need to tell them all to stay away and concentrate on you and your dh having time to grieve in peace together. Email them a generic message telling them this. Then ignore /block and keep them away.
When /if you decide to reinstate contact your dh can tell them it will be on your terms or not at all.
Take care. .

SilverForest · 12/09/2017 20:45

I am so sorry you've lost your beautiful baby. How awfully they have treated you both.

Original poster

user1485778793 · 12/09/2017 20:47

Thank you.

My husband is being normal with them. I just can't bring myself to be like that with them. I know I should for his sake but I just can't forgive and forget so easily. I ignore my mil's text messages, have done for months but she doesnt get the hint. My husband easily forgets what they have done but says 'they are my family' which I get and I'd never ask him to forget them I just don't want to see them. They've asked us to go round for dinner and there's no way I can sit in their house making small talk when I know that when we actually need them they openly choose not to be there.

OP posts:

greendale17 · 12/09/2017 20:50

I would go no contact with them. No way could I ever forgive that behaviour

TittyGolightly · 12/09/2017 20:52

It's an extreme suggestion, but it sounds like an extreme situation - could you move away?

Beadieeye · 12/09/2017 21:05

I'm so sorry to read this. The conceit and disrespect shown by your DH's family at such a heartbreaking yet precious time is unbearable, unforgivable. Don't think you owe them anything, even for the sake of DH. You have to put yourselves first, if that means NC then so be it. Who the hell could blame you.

CoconutLush · 12/09/2017 21:10

I remember your previous thread op. I'm very sorry to hear your baby boy has died

Can you go NC with them even if your dh can't/won't?

DartmoorDoughnut · 12/09/2017 21:13

I remember your precious threa dtoo OP, I am so so sorry your little one didn't make it

I think you'd be entirely reasonable to never see them again. Your DH has to do what is right for him but you don't have to have anything to do with them

Original poster

user1485778793 · 12/09/2017 21:18

I want to go nc totally.

I don't want them coming round to the house but dh still wants them to.

If they could acknowledge what they did then it would be a different story but they can't. Dh forgets what mil said to me and the lies she told. I don't want them in my personal space at all including the house but dh still wants them to be able to come round. It won't be long till she'll be texting me saying I'm making her ill again by refusing to see her. Dh wants to move abroad, even more so because of their recent behaviour

OP posts:

DartmoorDoughnut · 12/09/2017 21:23

I'd definitely ban them from your home bless you.

Maybe put all the horrific things your MIL and other ILs said and did down on paper and calmly tell your DH "this is why your family are no longer welcome in our home"

picklemepopcorn · 12/09/2017 21:28

Perhaps just calmly tell him that dealing with your loss is all you can manage right now, that you can't deal with them as well. They were not able to deal with it when you needed them, after all.

Warn him that you couldn't possibly manage/contain your emotions if you were to see them.

Original poster

user1485778793 · 12/09/2017 21:32

My dh asked me to write a list of exactly why I don't want to see them so when they ask why he can reel them off....i might do it actually. At the time he asked I said no initially but it's probably not a bad idea.

OP posts:

Beek84 · 12/09/2017 21:37

I am sorry for your loss - can't begin to imagine what you are going through. You certainly shouldn't have to deal with your DH's family on top of your grief. But at the same time, I don't think you can force nc while your DH still wants contact. I think my advice would be to talk to your DH again about how you feel and explain that for the time being if he wants to see them ask him to visit them and keep you out of it. Tell him you can't cope with them in your house for a while. I hope he will understand. You are going through the worst of times and you need to keep talking and being kind to each other, but he needs to understand how their recent behaviour has impacted on you.

I wish you all the best and continued strength over the coming weeks , months and years OP

MrsEileithyia · 12/09/2017 21:38

I followed your previous threads too and I truly am heart sorry for you and your DH. I have no advice on the twatty in laws but wanted to send you some

namechangedforthisreply · 12/09/2017 21:42

I'm so sorry for your loss, I remember your last thread.

Please focus on your relationship with your partner & grieving together. His family are awful & so selfish, they don't deserve your energy or time. Perhaps the list will help your partner understand why being NC is the right thing for you.

Original poster

user1485778793 · 12/09/2017 21:43

All my mil wants to do is wallow in sadness and self pitty.

I actually want to concentrate on the happiness and good times we had with our little boy, especially the time at the hospice, it was amazing. We were so lucky, they said we would only get a few minutes but we got days! We did so much in that time despite the sadness and hysterics brought by dh's family. They just make everything about them and what they want. My mil is wallowing in sadness, it's like she's looking for things to be sad about. Ie distant relatives son is ill, my friends daughter has died, my dh' s friends gran died....some of these people she has never met but is hysterical.....surely there's something deeper going on.

I told my dh today that she needs professional help, not just bereavement counselling, something much deeper

OP posts:

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 12/09/2017 21:45

I remember your previous thread. I'm so sorry to hear about your beautiful boy.

Your MiL has spent months making a very hard time much harder for you. You sound like you're done. Go NC love. If dh wants to continue seeing them it's understandable, it's very hard to escape a toxic bond as an adult child trained all your life in behaving nicely and co operatively while you're abused, and there's a lot of fear involved. But that's his choice, and he can do it without you. As for him having reasons why you've gone NC.... no, you don't need their permission, they don't have to agree and wanting reasons that are convincing enough that they'll accept it is a hallmark of toxic relationships. You no longer want anything to do with them because of their behaviour around ds. End of. No discussion, no debate, you're not going to argue about it, it doesn't matter how they feel about it, it doesn't matter if they don't agree they behaved badly. You're done, end of discussion.

Again, so very sorry about your sweet ds

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 12/09/2017 21:51

Btw, if you're NC they can't come to the house. You're not stopping dh seeing them, but he can't do in your home. You also really need to block your MiL on your phone so she can't text you.

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