In law nightmare after baby loss

[user1485778793]

I've posted a couple of threads over the last 6 months about problems with my in-laws (nasty comments about pregnant body/I'm making my unborn baby even poorlier (He was very poorly) and mil removing baby from incubator and lying about it)

Sadly our baby died a few weeks ago at 11 weeks old. We knew from 20 weeks that he was seriously ill and multiple operations would be needed, he had a few procedures but they refused to do anymore as they said he would die on the table. After going through hell we chose a hospice as the right place for him to die. We invited family to spend time with us as a family before he was taken off life support at the hospice and allowed to pass. All my family were there straight away. My husband's brother refused to come as he was too upset and my in-laws spent the time at the hospice in hysterics. They made what we wanted to be a special time really difficult so we had to ask them to leave.

There have been so many instances since January where my husband's family have let the 3 of us down....mostly him. He wanted his brother here to the point he cried. His brother refused as he was too upset to drive. He could have got a lift/taxi etc but he put his own feelings first. His parents the same. His mum sat at the hospice wailing about her miscarriage and her mother's still birth.

I'm so angry at them for being selfish and not giving my husband any support at all. My husband told his mum he was upset his brother hadn't come and she shouted at him that they were all hurting.

None of his family can put him first, before their own feelings.

Eventually his brother came to the hospice 5 days later, he was hysterical and staff had to ask him to leave.

His family want to pretent nothing has happened and play happy families now and I can't bear to be around them. I can't live a lie. My husband has made it very clear to them he is disappointed in how they have been since January.

I don't want to be anywhere near them. His mum is bat shit. Extremely controlling, very bossy and lies to get out of taking responsibility for her nutty behaviour.

Anyone got any suggestions for dealing with them?

I was on your previous thread I believe. As a fellow neonatal mum I am so so very sorry for what has happened. Yes do make that list. It is fine to focus inwards at this point. Your poor poor DH.

I'm so so very sorry about your son

Your in laws sound like really hard work but my Mum is the same when it come to grieving - she just can't help her emotions. She is the kindest most wonderful Mum in the whole world but she is completely useless at times. My brothers wife died at a young age due to a genetic condition and my Mum literally couldn't stop crying - even now, years and years later she still wells up if you mention my SILs name. She doesn't do it for attention or because she is selfish. In fact she feels awful about it.
Anyway, i am definitely not trying to excuse your inlaws behaviour but just suggesting some of their behaviour might not be their fault. Iyswim
Everyone deals with grief in different ways and I think it's important that everyone tries to be as tolerant of everyone else as possible.
I understand that their is a LOT more to it than just the way they are grieving and I think the most important people in all of this are you and your DH. You mustn't hesitate to do whatever it is that works for you.

Sorry for typos

I've told dh I want nc. He says it's fine but I'm not so sure. He forgets very easily what they've done

No advice but I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

your mil sounds like a person who likes to be in charge or in control of everything and this situation she has had no reason to be in control.

I would step back from them, let your husband do the communication. I have a similar problem with my dads sister. After he died I found out she had been ringing my mum and saying some really heartless things and after the death. My mum doesn't like to fall out with family so I have to keep it to myself how much I dislike that! So I am for myself taking a break from them.

So sorry again, xxx

Maybe your dh needs to see a list not just mil..
You are within your rights to ban them from your home and dh can see them elsewhere - until he is also brave enough to tell them to go to hell.

I think your dh is totally contradicting himself, he's willing to move abroad but won't entertain you not seeing them ?

I think you need to think long and hard about your dh, my mother is totally batshit, have I ever let that impact on my husband, no. He's not protecting you from her and he ask himself why ?

I am so sorry to hear your baby died. My deepest condolences to you.

I also remember the thread about MIL picking up baby. Your DH needs some counselling I think. He won't go no contact with his family, but is willing to move country to be away from them. He probably ants to not be in contact, but doesn't have the strength to do it, without feeling guilty etc.

You need to stick to your guns about being no contact with them. They need to not be allowed in your house, DH can see them if he needs to, but not at your home.

I know it is early days, but I would also talk to your DH about future children, I imagine you wouldn't want your IL's to have anything to do with them.

Firstly, I am so very sorry for the devastating loss for you and your husband.

I remember reading your previous thread.

If you do a list make sure you talk every point through with your husband so if mil protests /denies then he can further explain or offer extra details.

Counselling may help you both and help him to deal with his feelings of being let down by his family when yours stepped up. He probably also feels guilty that his family caused you further hurt. It must be a horrible thing to feel and it sounds like he is trying to bury it and that is not healthy in the long run.

Lastly, your home home is your sanctuary. The one place where you should feel safe and respected. Therefore mil should not come there at this time. If it changes you can let dh know but you should not feel uncomfortable in your sanctuary. Dh can meet them in a park/cafe etc but not your sanctuary.

P. S. You could say you would not invite someone who made dh feel uncomfortable into his home/sanctuary

P. S. You could say you would not invite someone who made dh feel uncomfortable into his home/sanctuary

Infinite good sense from Sherbert

prepare yourself that it's likely dh will niggle away at this boundary because his MiL will very likely and relentlessly niggle on at him about it. It's not about giving way on it, it's about helping your dp cope with the pressure, stress and harassment, and gently reminding him that he doesn't have to keep on presenting himself for it.

Thanks for all the advice :-)

I've told him I need the house to be hassle free and I shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable here. He seems ok with it. Bit there's no doubt she will hassle him and try to get in here to find out why. In my husband's words...... 'They are thick and don't get it, I'll need to spell it out to them that they can't come to the house' I have told him he does have to that he can just say no to them but he knows it won't be enough for them.

I've had a similar experience. My baby died at a few hours old and my MiL said some unbelievably awful things in the following weeks. It was more thoughtlessness than genuine cruelty iyswim, but of a piece with her general self-centredness.

Six years later, I have "forgiven" but not forgotten. After a year of feeling absolutely furious with her, I recognised that my anger was really part of the grief. I just made a decision that I wasn't going to waste time and emotions on her any longer. I wanted to remember the precious few hours with my baby and not have those memories crowded out by thinking about her.

She's welcome in my house to see my husband and children, although I try to resist going to their house. I am always polite to her. But there's no connection there. I have no attachment. And it works - she doesn't bother me anymore. It's much harder for my husband who recognises that she's a selfish person but wants to have a good relationship with her. I respect that and don't make it harder for him by talking about her.

I think you still have a way to travel through the grieving process. Put yourself first and spend as little time as possible thinking about her. Keep your distance if you have to, but recognise that it's a very difficult situation for your husband to be in.