Two under two

[OctoberMarch]

Hi
Just after some reassurance. My DD is 11 months old and I've found parenthood so much harder than I could ever have imagined. I think I have made it worse by putting way too much pressure on myself to be perfect, although I'm a lot calmer and more realistic now.

On Friday, DH and I found out we're expecting again. I'm over the initial shock - pregnancy wasn't planned - but now starting to worry about having two DCs so close in age. DD will only be 19 months when baby arrives. We had planned to wait until she was about 4 before we had another baby.

I'm just worried about how we'll cope and if I'll be able to look after both DCs properly. Will DD resent me? I know it's silly but I worry that I won't love each of my DCs enough

I'd really appreciate any advice from anybody who's been in a similar situation.

14 months between my teen ds's and 15 months between pre teen dd's.
Wasn't bad at all. .
Worse now with 2 pre teen girls!!
I would suggest getting the older one into a fab bedtime routine and get a double buggy so you don't feel stuck in the house.
Congratulations - love is limitless!!

20 months between mine. It's a bit tough but you'll get through it and you don't worry nearly as much as with the first. It may pass in a bit of a haze though! Mine are 1 and 3 now and have started playing together a bit, feels like it's beginning to pay off.

And agree about routine for older one!

Thank you so much for your replies I keep telling myself we'll cope because we have to.

Really good to hear you've both been through it and been okay

I'm about to have 3 under 4 (I'm being induced tomorrow). Ds1 turns 4 at the end of Oct and ds2 is 17 months. I'll let you know how it goes. Have you got good family support? How did your dp react?

Done it with close gaps 4 times so can't be that bad!!

Lol, I'm the same. Will have 4 aged 4 and under soon. But you will be fine. It can be intense at times but has its lovely things too. Two little heads sitting together on the couch looking the same age and talking toddler crap is very cute. Being able to kick a ball at similar power and skill etc.

13 months between my older two and one is autistic and although it was hard in parts they're really good mates.

17 months between my two.
In all honesty, the first 2 weeks are really hard!! BUT then you just figure out how to do everything with only one set of hands! You also prioritise. My favourite scenario is when mine both shit at the same time which do you deal with first?! I quickly been realised the big one has the ability to make more mess if not dealt with promptly, but the little one can wait 5 minutes.
You can do it once you find your way, you'll be sailing x

18m between mine. I won't lie, the first year was TOUGH! But DD2 is a very demanding baby. I tried to not pick her up as much etc. when she was born but she wouldn't have any of it and even now at 1yo she is still very clingy - compared to DD1 anyway.

BUT every baby is different and some second babies are very easy.

Tips:
Double buggy
Sling/carrier in case baby doesn't like buggy to begin with.
Don't expect too much of DC1. I found myself telling off DD1 for being too noisy etc. when really she was just being a toddler.
Have you a quiet room where you can leave baby to sleep away from toddler noise? We didn't and DD2 didn't nap well until about 8mo when she started having a short morning snooze and then a nap with toddler in the afternoon.
Work hard at getting them to nap together. It won't immediately work like that of course but when it does you'll have your needed ME time.

And if you ever feel stressed do not beat yourself up about it.

Right, enough of the doom and gloom! In ways it has been easier than I thought. We go to the toddler groups and DD2 (who is now 13m) was always content being carried whilst DD1 did her thing at toddler sense and baby ballet. We are also about to start a music group aimed for all ages.

We go to cafes and take a sticker book for toddler. DD2 would have a feed whilst I had tea and now she sits in a chair with a snack. It is lovely.

Toddler and I sing nursery rhymes and DD2 now dances and claps with us. It is so so sweet.

Don't put too much strain on yourself. It will be lovely and rewarding. Mine don't quite play together yet but do play beside one another and they also crawl together which is funny and sweet.

Congratulations OP

I had 4 under 5 at one point - profound relief when my eldest started school! They are all still alive and reasonably sane, as am I. You will cope fine. Get a double buggy

17 months between my two and I'm currently listening to them cry in unison as the baby won't sleep and the toddler won't stop her tantrum. I've been promised it gets easier

There's eighteen months between my first two and then 21 months between three and four so I've done it twice. I'd say it is hard work for the first six months but it quickly gets easier and they become good friends quickly as too young really to miss one to one attention.
I love routines and so I always had number one in a routine and then slotted number two into their routine and number two and any subsequent children always seem easier purely through having experience and making your mistakes with number one.

I have a 20 month gap. I was terrified, but I've absolutely loved it! I found going from 0 babies to 1 much harder than 1-2. Your life has already changed, you have some idea what you're doing and in my experience, jealousy and resentment from child 1 have been minimal.

I'd recommend getting a good sling for the early days. We picked up a second hand double buggy which has come into it's own now child 2 is 6 months. My eldest loves stories so in the early newborn days when babies feed all the time (particularly if you choose to breastfeed) we'd all snuggle in bed or on the sofa while I fed, reading a book.
Pack your changing bag the night before so you can actually make it out the house in less than an hour! I found planning around the older child and just letting the baby fit in easier. Plus they both might nap at the same time! Big parenting win with two under 2!

I have 2 years between mine and honestly think it would have been easier with even less of a gap!

Two babies means you get them both to have a nap in the day - they are always going to be happy doing similar activities like soft play etc - you get it over with and onto the older child stage quicker....

Do not even think about doing without a double buggy - you absolutely need one for the beautiful moments when they are both in there and you can have ten minutes peace just walking along the road with them! don't listen to people who tell you to use a sling for one etc - whatever you do you need the option of a brilliant double. If I had my time again I would go for a wide rather than the up and under type as the one underneath always felt rather squashed and hidden away..!

There is always a lurking fear that both will cry or need you at once - but truthfully inthe whole of the first year or two that happened very rarely. Although having two is hard at times the baby bit is a million million times easier the second time round - you literally won't believe you found it so hard first time round......you are a pro now and babies won't confuse or floor you ....

Yes to getting a double. I had a two year gap and i tried to manage and gave up after a few weeks. Just being able to strap them both in and get somewhere quickly and easily was brilliant.
Just think you won't have to do school or nursery runs with a newborn! Plus side of the small gap, if you don't want to leave the house you don't have to. If everyone stays in PJs all day it's fine. No worrying about uniform or getting reading books done etc.
Really there are pros and cons of each gap. And you will manage just fine.

Thank you so much!
All of your advice makes so much sense - everything seems so much less overwhelming already.

You're all awesome

14 months between DD1 & DD2. After complete meltdown when I discovered I was pregnant again, I resolved to get on with it and I did. In a way I felt better prepared once DD2 was born, as Id already had and been caring for a baby.

One thing that took me ages to sort with 2 aged under 2, was getting out of the house with them. The whole feeding bathing washing thing. Half the day would be gone. So I made myself get into a routine of being sure to lay out clothes (+ spares as one was bound to poo the minute she was dressed!) & pack essentials bags the night before. Didnt always work out perfectly, but far better than before

You will find your routine and what works best for you. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Hopefuly you have RL support. & you'll have MN support too.

Pushing a double buggy gives you the most honed toned arms ever...! I've never been able to recreate my Amazonian look since 'wistful'

18m between 2 & 3 and the eldest was 5. I had a c section too and somehow we got through it. Must say though that when they were 1 & 2 it was harder as they were both on the move.

You will be fine I promise!

Had three under two and a half - Was sometimes hard going at, but wouldn't have had it any other way. All boys, now aged 8,9,10 and now all really close! Wanted four, but hats off to anyone with the stamina for that!

My position has been the opposite to you, mine have a 3.5yr gap. While there are benefits to my situation the sleepless nights have been going on for almost FIVE YEARS! (Youngest is now 1) and I've found it difficult to have gone through weaning, tantrums, potty training, then come out the other side, starting to get some life back and then go right back to the beginning again.

Good luck and all the best for your pregnancy.

18 months between mine and I found it much harder than I was expecting. Everyone will have a different experience. My 2nd baby had terrible reflux (undiagnosed cmpa) and my toddler was very jealous. The first 6 months were incredibly hard and got a bit of pnd. I hadn't expected it to be as exhausting as it was but tbf I had a sick baby. I wish I could say it got easier but it started to become apparent that my toddler had asd so i'm not going to lie! They're 2.8 and 14 months now and I'm so sick of mums on fb showing off their cute toddlers hugging baby siblings and playing together (unlike mine) i've deactivated my account! I'm really sorry if I'm putting a downer on this thread! Feeling a bit bitter but hopefully it will pass! Bottom line is I wouldn't change my situation for the world but all babies and toddlers are different so you will hear different things.

The first three months were tough with mine, 20 months apart. It got progressively easier afer that. They are now 3,5 and almost two and is convinced now that it us easier having them both around than just one. They keep each other company!

I do think the bringing is tough though so if iu can, Line up some help. You will have a wrong and mobile not-quite-two year old who will struggle with the transition if having a sibling, while not having the means to express her frustration.

Once the new baby becomes more normal to her, and ones the baby can sit up and "do" stuff, it'll get better.

And congratulations. It's wonderful having two.

Congrats OP! 20 months between mine and with baby at 5 months I think I'm started to feel less dazed. I second much of the advice on here and would recommend a Double Buggy if possible and work around your toddler's routine until the baby has one. Above all be kind to yourself. If in the early days you need to put cartoons on more than you'd like in order to bf for hours that really isn't the end of the world. I think the close gap is paying off for me already and I everyone with this gap tells me it does. DC1 will love the little one and watching them start to play and bond will melt your heart every single day. Congrats - the fun is about to begin!!

18 months between mine and it has seemed easy.
Early days was just a matter of finding what worked for us - and to be honest it was not having a routine - and just going with the flow. It worked well for us, they can both sleep anywhere, stay up to anytime and just go with the flow and roll with the changes of life.

They are 15 and 16 now and still share a room - best of friends. I'm so proud of them and their closeness, they are lovely girls who get along together well. I'm glad we had them close together.

54 weeks between my two youngest and I was 39 when my DS arrived.

I coped by going to mum and baby groups every day, twice on some days. It just helped to be out and about, rather than at home making mess!!

DD2 has just turned 12 and DS will be 11 tomorrow and it is ok, and has been for some time now.

I must have done alright, as DD1, who was 10 and 11 when they were born has an 18 month old DD and is now expecting DC2. DGD will be 2 when DGC2 is born!