Two under two

[OctoberMarch]

Hi
Just after some reassurance. My DD is 11 months old and I've found parenthood so much harder than I could ever have imagined. I think I have made it worse by putting way too much pressure on myself to be perfect, although I'm a lot calmer and more realistic now.

On Friday, DH and I found out we're expecting again. I'm over the initial shock - pregnancy wasn't planned - but now starting to worry about having two DCs so close in age. DD will only be 19 months when baby arrives. We had planned to wait until she was about 4 before we had another baby.

I'm just worried about how we'll cope and if I'll be able to look after both DCs properly. Will DD resent me? I know it's silly but I worry that I won't love each of my DCs enough

I'd really appreciate any advice from anybody who's been in a similar situation.

You'll be fine. Tired ....but fine.

I had two well under two, and a 4 year old.

If you need to go to bed early and sleep because of waking up throughout the night then do. Having little sleep is a killer.

It's all grand! 14 months between first two. Three year age gap, then 19 months between second two.

As PP's have said, good bedtime routine for #1 and good double buggy. First year is tiring, after that, it's all great.

Mine are 8,7,4&2. They all get along so well, and 90% of the time, it's a real thrill. Would do it all over again.

Good luck!!.

14 months between mine. It's hard at times but definitely manageable.

I found that the best thing i did was sychronise their routines as early as possible.

They are almost 3 and nearly 2 now and still wake up at the same time (generally!), nap at the same time and go to bed at the same time.

It makes a world of difference!

No doom and gloom here!
I know you said you found having one is hard, 2 is definitely not double the work. I've got a
19 month gap, so far so good.
Thoroughly recommend having somewhere safe to either contain the toddler or keep the baby while you nip to the loo etc. We had a giant playpen where the Moses basket was, so that there was no risk of it being overturned etc. I never really used a sling with my first, it was a lifeline with dc2. I bought a double but qUickly found I preferred using a sling and the toddler in single pushchair.
Try teaching your toddler little things to make your life easier like climbing into their car seat.
Congratulations!

And DD won't resent you x

I found that my eldest was just curious at the new thing that slept in the corner. Given she was only 14 months when youngest was born, she's gotten used to her sibling being there before hitting the 'terrible twos'.

They are really close together now and it's beautiful to watch

Best wishes x

i don't know if anyone has addressed this yet - such good advice about dealing with a toddler and a baby but you also mentioned loving the next one...

I spent my second pregnancy quietly worrying about how I could possibly love another baby as much as I loved DS1 (17 month age gap)
I didn't want to tell anybody because it felt wrong to say it aloud
DS2 was born, put onto my chest and I literally (I use that word advisedly) felt my love grow and realised that that's how you love your kids the same. It just grows as much as you need

I had three under 3 !

It was so much easier to never 'grow out' of broken nights, nappies, huge bags for even short trips etc and with my three girls all being so close in age they grew up remaining close and always played nice together.

Ok, so I had a pushchair continually for about 4.5 years, including needing a twin pushchair for some of that, but my eldest never resented her siblings as she never remembered being an only child.

I think my top tip would be have the washing machine on every day, there was always laundry to be done with 3 little ones, I never considered myself an 'earth mother' but I adapted and really loved it when they were little.

It's surprising how you do cope.

Eldest was 17 m when her first sister arrived. Middle one was 15 months when the 'baby' was born (making eldest 32 months)

I'm not sure I would have wanted to start over with nappies and night feeds twice more had we left a huge gap. You'll be fine once you fall into your routine and at least you don't have to do a school run every morning with a newborn, by time your eldest is at full time school your baby will almost be a toddler and life will seems much easier as you will definitely have some sort of organisation to your days.

Mine have 21months between them. It was mega hard at first with the baby not sleeping and dd1 not getting all the attention.

However, at times Peppa Pig was my friend. When feeding dd2, I'd put Peppa on and she'd be hooked watching it, and I'd have that peace whilst feeding.

We had a double buggy as though dd2 was walking, if we wanted to go to the park she'd be too tired to walk back.

We got into a routine where dd2 went to bed first as dd1 wasn't a sleeper, and to this day dd2 goes to bed first and she's 6 now.

Congratulations OP. I was three days over having three under one! Yes, it was (and is) tough. But actually I think integration of my youngest was so much easier being at an age before the twins could really understand that a new baby had arrived and 'stolen' some of their time. They've never known any different really, whereas I have friends who've had a terrible time with older toddlers struggling to accept a new sibling. So there are benefits! Plus your head is in the baby game, three and a half years on I'm not sure I'd remember what to do with a newborn now. I'd be much more worried about a new baby arriving now that they're all preschoolers. I'd also say I'm not the wondermum I always get labelled for having so many young ones, I struggle and find it tough too but I'm still just about standing and it's finally getting easier.

mamabear Facebook lies and I've recently deactivated for similar reasons. Mine do sometimes cuddle or do cute things, but they also try to scratch each others' eyes out or play Toddler Death Match when I'm not looking. Also my twins don't get on particularly well ('twins, how lovely, I bet they're best friends' - HAHAHA). But they are getting better as they push toward four and can start playing proper imaginative games together etc rather than just fighting over toys, so hang on in there.

2 years between my two. It is hard, especially in the early months when DD2 was very little as she wanted to be cuddled all the time (utterly hated the baby carrier I tried to get her to use) and DD1 wanted me to play with her. Obviously the tiredness is harder too because you can't just nap when the baby does in the day, as you've got another one to watch too. But nearly 10 months in and it's got much easier, DD2 is crawling and doesn't want to he held anymore (would rather be off exploring) and (thank fuck) DD2 is a fairly good sleeper at night unlike her big sister who was a terror until she was nearly two and I can often get them to have a simultaneous nap in the daytime, which just gives me a chance to get some stuff done and drink a cuppa in peace for a bit.

2 years and a day between my older two, and then a nearly 4 year gap to the youngest. I also child minded for the year from when my eldest was 11 months until DC2 was born (also hadn't quite planned the age gap), and my mindees were all a month or two older than my DC1 - so 5 day per week I had 3 roughly one year olds (but cruicially not at night, nights have always been hardest for me!).

Tbh I found the smaller gap far easier, because I was still in full on baby and toddler mode and my life was all about that. With a bigger gap it's more complicated because you are juggling children with very different needs and schedules. Being tied to the preschool and then school run means you can't sit and cluster feed on demand, or have a lazy home day and not get showered and dressed until 10am when the baby has been up all night.

It depends on a million things but close in age isn't necessarily harder.

Your DD won't know different so won't resent you as a small child (she might as a teen, but that's partly just a teen thing and depends on how you treat them, whether you compare them, label them "the clever one and the pretty one" or whatever, or allow one to bully the other, expect the oldest to be responsible whilst eternally making allowances for the younger etc etc not the age gap.).

Thank you all again for all the advice
i also really appreciate the posts from people who havent had such an easy time of it. It gives me a really rounded view of what it could be like having two lo's.

I'm actually starting to get really excited now, which is lovely, because I had really bad anxiety in my first pregnancy and couldn't let myself enjoy it. Hopefully I'll be able to relax a lot more in this one.

I'm really lucky to have an incredibly supportive DH and family too, so that definitely makes things a lot easier.

Has anybody got any recommendations for slings at all? I'm really unsure where to start!

My only advice is make sure dc1 is self settling at night well before dc2 arrives. I didn't, I was still holding her hand until she fell asleep. It was a disaster as DH works away, so evenings turned into an exhausting round of trying to settle one child while the other clung onto me. If I got them both settled before 11pm I considered that a good evening. My health really suffered from exhaustion. Once I cracked dc1's sleep routine I started to enjoy life again but I'd aged about 20 years

I loved the beco gemini - supports the baby's hips correctly and puts the weight onto your hips not your back and shoulders so is comfortable to wear.

Meant to add in answer to your worry about loving them both, I had the same worry. I was really scared that I wouldn't love dc2 as much as dc1, as how could I love anyone else that much? The reality is love isn't something that has to be shared, it expands to fit your family. Its a lovely feeling.

It's unimaginably hard.

You'll find your way though.

It wasn't Easy but I'd learned how to look after a baby with DC1, so looking after DC2 as a baby was not a challenge. i think the hardest part was when I was pregnant but my other child was still a baby and needed to be carried.
Test and the challenge of lifting a 17 month old a few days after a c-section.
Being born close together has paid off subsequently though, and it can't be that unusual as most siblings at school seem to be two school years apart - which could mean as little as 366 days apart if August/ September birthdays

That's the easy stage. Babies are easy, toddlers too, pre-schoolers fine. School-age children are much more challenging esp teens.

cherish123 what is the actual point of saying that? Is it one up manship or just trying to worry somebody who is already worried? There is nothing at all useful or pleasant about saying "If you think this is hard just wait - it'll only get harder!" Bit like telling a kid struggling at school that "Your school days are the best days of your life..."

I don't have babies and toddlers - have two primary and one secondary school children. Of course there are new challenges, but they sleep through the night and can be left alone for a bit and go to school 195 days per year ... Of course its a hell of a lot easier than parenting pre-schoolers who need your actual physical presence and physical help their every waking moment, and wake you multiple times at night, and are utterly dependant on you for every single thing, and follow you to the toilet as soon as they are mobile...

I loved the preschool stage but its absolute nonsense to claim school age children are harder - of course they aren't, unless perhaps they have certain SEN or additional needs... As a general rule primary school age kids are pretty easier - and are out of the house at school a lot of the time, can't get easier than "not at home"!

Some teens are harder than toddlers, but by no means all and only in short bursts - you never get the sheer physical intensity of round the clock care for babies and toddlers at any other stage.

I had 16 months between my first two (planned) and then had another, 2.5 yrs later (unplanned), so I ended up with 3 under 4 years old for several months. It was hell, but mainly because I was really poorly with my last pregnancy and he didn't sleep for 3 months - screaming the entire time.

The first two were a breeze though. My eldest DD was a model baby (she's still pretty angelic now to be fair, aged almost 10!) and so adding her not-quite-so-model little sister wasn't too bad. I got a fab double buggy for them and all was well!

My sister had 2 sets of twins 19 months apart (and another single after a further 2 years..) she would make a bloomin great Sgt Major - everything is organised, I could not do it, the very thought makes me all wobbly - but she excels!

Being organised is your friend. I had four under five 4, 2 and twins. It was hard and the sleep deprivation was incredibly tough. However it got easier as they got older school and nursery beckoned for the eldest two and I'm assured twins are a dream at three as they always have a playmate. Be kind to yourself and as many groups as you can get to!

18 months between mine and it was great as you're still in the baby zone of nappies, buggies, naps (I'm another vote for getting a good double buggy. I had a side by side and never found it too wide for anywhere.)
My biggest priority was getting them into the same bedtime and nap routine - that afternoon 'break' really helped - and when the older one stops the nap before the youngest you get some one on one time with them.

When they were older they had and still have the same interests and like the same games, toys, films and friends. They do fight with each other and for attention like all siblings but definitely never any sibling rivalry from the older one when the baby arrived as they don't remember life before that.

It will be a brilliant, manic time and the toddler and pre-school years go by so quickly (although some days feel really long!) Plus, your love just doubles when you have another one, you don't need to share it out.
Reading this has brought it all back and made me broody! (DANGER!!)

Congrats on your pregnancy there was 16 months between my eldest 2. I too was dreading it but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I found the youngest loved to watch the older one playing and she was a far easier baby than ds. You'll manage and try to remember it won't last forever.

Congratulations OP!

Mine are (almost) 6 months, 2, 4 and 8 and it is challenging but also nice, especially as they get older. My 2 and 4 year old amuse each other often and as PP said, the baby loves watching my 2 year old!

Also, I myself have siblings close to my age and I'm very happy I do!

Congratulations op!

18 month gap between my 2. The first couple of months were tiring but that's the same for any new baby. I'd say get a double buggy (i had cosatto supa and loved it) then a single and buggy board later.

2nd baby didn't nap much because there was too much going on with a toddler in the house but it meant he sleep well at night.

I had them share a room for the first couple of years (after youngest left my room) and they loved being so close, they've always gone to bed at the same time.

They're now 8 +9 and are really close, they're bringing each other up! DD (9) teaches ds (8) all sorts of stuff, they go to the same clubs which means I get the odd hours peace and they're really good friends.
I think its the perfect gap :D xx