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Parenting

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Original poster

help! Husband and grandparent problems!

55 replies

Mom1234 · 03/09/2017 15:15

Hi all,

I'm looking for some advice. I'm a first time parent and my parents first grandchild. It's quite a long story so I'll try make it brief!

I have a LG who is 6months, my husband doesn't have any family and neither of us have friends tht have children or experience with children, I'm not really close to any other family members to ask them to babysit so our only option for babysitting duties is my mom and dad.

There's been a few issues since the birth of my daughter with my husband booking tickets for things without first checking if my parents were ok having our LG, he seems to think that as it's there first and only grandchild they should always be free for her, where as I think out of respect he should ask beforehand rather then booking things and not really giving them a choice.
He also seems to think that they should have her at 1/2 weekends a month to spend time with her and give us a break. Again I think this is abit too much and should only be something that happens once every so often, especially when he also wants me to ask my mom to look after our daughter when I go back to work full time. Surely this would mean my parents would have her more then us yet she's our child and we chose to have her so we should have to make small sacrifices to our social lives.
He seems to interpret this as my parents not wanting to spend time with her and not showing an interest in our daughter.

This weekend we had a slight turning point and my mom offered to have our LG for the weekend, great I thought, this will show my husband that they do want to spend time with there grandchild and his just been abit selfish with his requests.

Since the birth they have had our LG a couple of times but only for a few hours, however she hasn't stopped over yet or stayed with them for a long period of time..until last night.
My mom offered to have her over night to give us a break and let us go out with friends, however an hour after leaving her my dad called to say she had been screaming and crying to the extent she was gagging and grabbing her face. We agreed to give it a few more hours and see if she settled, however 5 hours later she was still going, my parents had tried everything, but she just wasn't stopping, she wouldn't even stop for a few minutes it was just constant.
Well there was no way I could enjoy my night knowing she was in that state and also knowing my mom and dad were getting stressed because they just could not calm her down, however my husband was adamant we should leave her overnight and not ruin the plans we'd made.
In the end I said no we can't do this so I said I would go and get her, and very reluctantly he agreed to come with me.

When we got to my parents my husband didn't speak to my mom and dad when we got to the house, and for the rest of the night blamed them for not been able to settle her and ruining our night. In his opinon she should have stayed because she eventually would have had to have stopped crying, he see's it as the first sign of trouble they don't want to know and just want to pass her back.
However, I know what it's like to have her so upset tht you cannot settle her but my husband has never had this experience so I can imagine how helpless and stressed my parents felt.
My mom and dad are both 60 and my dad was involved in a serious Road accident not so long ago and suffers with his legs and hips so walking up and down with her all night was starting to cause him some pain.
I no they felt terrible for having to call us and my dad kept apologising for ruining our night. He even suggested that we come up with a way of her getting used to them so it doesn't happen again.

My husband is now saying from now on were never asking them to have her and is totally blaming my parents for last night's fiasco, he seems to think last night has proved his point of them not wanting to spend time with her.
I can just see things now getting really awkward and I'm going to be stuck in the middle.

What do you guys think, any advice would be much appreciated!

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Hoppinggreen · 03/09/2017 15:18

I think he sounds like a bit of a dick who just sees your parents as a source of free babysitting.

stitchglitched · 03/09/2017 15:19

Your husband is an arse.

Boatmistress17 · 03/09/2017 15:22

Sounds lovely neither of you thought about how much a baby curbs your social life tbh.

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GladysKnight · 03/09/2017 15:25

I think your husband is being very unreasonable indeed, he seems to have very rigid expectations of the grandparents, and also very rigid expectations in regard to having his nights out as they were before your daughter was born.

What bothers me a bit here is you don't appear to be having much discussion with him about these issues - it may be just how you wrote your post, but I wonder if he tends to think he 'knows best' in your marriage? If he isn't open to discussion then this will keep leading to problems.

But on the main issue, it wounds as though your parents are lovely and really want to play an active role in your daughter's life, but of course this has to be at a pace that works for your daughter too! How about suggesting to your husband that if your daughter gets frightened by being suddenly away from you at her GPs, she might take against them and spil things for everyone. It seems obvious to me that she should get to know them gently. And at that age they are well aware of who is who IMO

Allthebestnamesareused · 03/09/2017 15:25

He is a dick.

There seems to be a lot of assumptions on his part. He is assuming that your Mum will look after your DD when you go back to work. Have you discussed with her at all?

Did he not want to have children? he seems to be trying to find ways to offload his own child so that he can carry on with a childless existence. Your parents have had their children and raised them and although it is nice for a child to spend time with their grandparents it can be at their own pace. Not on demand!! Not having them every other weekend and when requested! (that is for a divorced parent!!)

It seems to me as though you get this but he doesn't!

As for the first overnight trip we always did this when we were on hand to have them back precisely because of what happened with yours. Have you even stayed with your parents with the baby so they see your night time routine etc. Perhaps a few nights where you stay so baby is used to the location may help before leaving her on her own.

GladysKnight · 03/09/2017 15:25

sounds, not wounds!

GladysKnight · 03/09/2017 15:28

And yes, he should of course be asking your parents if they'd like to have their dgd for the evening before arranging anything. They are being very patient and forebearing with this rudeness so far, but surely they will soon start to feel they are being taken for granted.

Phillipa12 · 03/09/2017 15:31

Your dh is an arsehole. Firstly your parents are not first call for babysitting duties, if they offer great, if not pay for a sitter, your parents are also not first call for day care when you return to work that is what nannies, childminders and nurseries are for, children are not cheap and if he wants a social life then he should frigging pay for childcare end off, i would be fucking furious with him.

GrockleBocs · 03/09/2017 15:34

Agree he's an arse.
Plenty of grandparents live long distances from their gc and aren't able or willing to do regular on demand baby sitting. If he wants baby sitting on demand he can use a reputable agency.
He wants them to babysit so his life can be fun first and foremost.

Love51 · 03/09/2017 15:34

I'd let your husband keep to his word that he never asks your parents for childcare again. Give them the opportunity to offer.
Get a really good childminder. He will appreciate the grandparents free efforts then.
For what its worth, my dad had my pfb, his first grandchild, one day early into me going back to work. It was a disaster, my dad didn't eat all day. He has a great relationship with my kids, and my little niece now. He just wasn't in the swing of babies after a 30year break!

spiney · 03/09/2017 15:34

Sorry but your DH sounds totally out of touch.

With the responsibilities of having a child
With what others should do for him.

Poor you and your poor parents. Jeez.

MarmaladeIsMyJam · 03/09/2017 15:36

How on earth are you with this man? He sounds awful.

BenLui · 03/09/2017 15:37

Your husband is an arse.

Your poor parents.

Gillian1980 · 03/09/2017 15:38

Your husband sounds very unreasonable and selfish.

I know that either of our dps, or our siblings, would happily babysit but we very rarely ask. Partly as we don't want to take them for granted but also as we prefer staying in these days anyway.

We would never ever book tickets for something without asking first and even then we would know that they may cancel due to illness etc and we certainly wouldn't be off with them for that.

As for childcare when you go back to work, this needs to be discussed in detail and no assumptions made. We chose to use a nursery rather than any family help, preferring to keep grandparents as grandparents and not as formal childcare. I think it's a huge commitment to ask of people, especially as they continue to get older.

Loopytiles · 03/09/2017 15:40

Husband is the problem.

Bobbins43 · 03/09/2017 15:45

Your husband is a knob. Your parents aren't free childcare. Get a sitter. Or a nanny. And leaving you child to scream and cry for five hours?!

I'm not sure his ideas about parenting are realistic.

DressedCrab · 03/09/2017 15:47

Your husband is a prick. Awful man.

Gillian1980 · 03/09/2017 15:49

Oh and whoever is babysitting, wherever we're going, we always say "any problem at all and you need us, just give a ring and we'll come back" and we mean it.

Why should a baby and a babysitter have to endure hours of unnecessary upset?

He has unrealistic expectations.

junebirthdaygirl · 03/09/2017 15:59

How can he even think of not going to your baby when she is upset? That is totally wrong. I am a gm. I love my gd dearly but l would be shocked if her dps didnt rush back if l called them. Gps only call when things are desperate.
How come he has no family? Has he fallen out with them or have they passed away. Sounds like he hasnt much experience about families.
As a dm you go with your gut instinct as all things you want to do are right.

Changerofname987654321 · 03/09/2017 16:33

Agree with the above.

What were you both thinking of leaving a small baby who is so distressed?! If she calmed down it would only be because she thought you were not coming back (remember the NSPCC adverts).

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 03/09/2017 17:10

However, I know what it's like to have her so upset tht you cannot settle her but my husband has never had this experience

You need a night out yourself with your husband looking after the baby, then maybe he'll actually understand what it's like. He desperately needs a reality check.

DartmoorDoughnut · 03/09/2017 17:18

Your husband is a twat

EggysMom · 03/09/2017 17:22

Your DH IBU - nobody has a right to babysitting by grandparents, there should be no expectation. I'm going to hazard a guess that he works with others whose parents have their grandchildren every other weekend, so he presumes this is the norm. Perhaps you'd like to share other experiences - in our case, our son only sees his grandparents every six months or so, and never on his own. We haven't had this fabled "break" since having our son eight years ago, nope, there are no close relatives he can stay with so he's been with us 8x365 days.

As for the crying, I can remember babysitting for my neighbours' boy back when I was 17 years old. It was a regular arrangement, the lad was just under two and knew me very well. One night he woke up and, no matter what I did (techniques that had previously worked), he just continued to cry and wouldn't settle. In the end I had to call his parents to come home - from a NYE party. It just happens sometimes. Your little one could go to your parents again and be absolutely fine.

Josieannathe2nd · 03/09/2017 17:36

He sounds horrible! I'd definitely not assume your parents can have your LO full time when you go back to work either- that would be exhausting for them! Most Grandparents I know do one or two days... or none!

pinkyredrose · 03/09/2017 17:43

Has he ever looked after his own kid? He's got a cheek saying your parents don't want to know, he hardly seems to want to see his daughter himself.

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