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Parenting

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Original poster

help! Husband and grandparent problems!

55 replies

Mom1234 · 03/09/2017 15:15

Hi all,

I'm looking for some advice. I'm a first time parent and my parents first grandchild. It's quite a long story so I'll try make it brief!

I have a LG who is 6months, my husband doesn't have any family and neither of us have friends tht have children or experience with children, I'm not really close to any other family members to ask them to babysit so our only option for babysitting duties is my mom and dad.

There's been a few issues since the birth of my daughter with my husband booking tickets for things without first checking if my parents were ok having our LG, he seems to think that as it's there first and only grandchild they should always be free for her, where as I think out of respect he should ask beforehand rather then booking things and not really giving them a choice.
He also seems to think that they should have her at 1/2 weekends a month to spend time with her and give us a break. Again I think this is abit too much and should only be something that happens once every so often, especially when he also wants me to ask my mom to look after our daughter when I go back to work full time. Surely this would mean my parents would have her more then us yet she's our child and we chose to have her so we should have to make small sacrifices to our social lives.
He seems to interpret this as my parents not wanting to spend time with her and not showing an interest in our daughter.

This weekend we had a slight turning point and my mom offered to have our LG for the weekend, great I thought, this will show my husband that they do want to spend time with there grandchild and his just been abit selfish with his requests.

Since the birth they have had our LG a couple of times but only for a few hours, however she hasn't stopped over yet or stayed with them for a long period of time..until last night.
My mom offered to have her over night to give us a break and let us go out with friends, however an hour after leaving her my dad called to say she had been screaming and crying to the extent she was gagging and grabbing her face. We agreed to give it a few more hours and see if she settled, however 5 hours later she was still going, my parents had tried everything, but she just wasn't stopping, she wouldn't even stop for a few minutes it was just constant.
Well there was no way I could enjoy my night knowing she was in that state and also knowing my mom and dad were getting stressed because they just could not calm her down, however my husband was adamant we should leave her overnight and not ruin the plans we'd made.
In the end I said no we can't do this so I said I would go and get her, and very reluctantly he agreed to come with me.

When we got to my parents my husband didn't speak to my mom and dad when we got to the house, and for the rest of the night blamed them for not been able to settle her and ruining our night. In his opinon she should have stayed because she eventually would have had to have stopped crying, he see's it as the first sign of trouble they don't want to know and just want to pass her back.
However, I know what it's like to have her so upset tht you cannot settle her but my husband has never had this experience so I can imagine how helpless and stressed my parents felt.
My mom and dad are both 60 and my dad was involved in a serious Road accident not so long ago and suffers with his legs and hips so walking up and down with her all night was starting to cause him some pain.
I no they felt terrible for having to call us and my dad kept apologising for ruining our night. He even suggested that we come up with a way of her getting used to them so it doesn't happen again.

My husband is now saying from now on were never asking them to have her and is totally blaming my parents for last night's fiasco, he seems to think last night has proved his point of them not wanting to spend time with her.
I can just see things now getting really awkward and I'm going to be stuck in the middle.

What do you guys think, any advice would be much appreciated!

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Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2017 17:43

Your husband is a selfish, idiotic man-child. He is so far out-of-bounds it's unbelievable.

ZenNudist · 03/09/2017 18:12

No more asking your parents to babysit. Free babysitting does not equal love. If i were your mum and dad id be put off having her again, alone, overnight until she's about 2. 6m is very youngto expect to resume much social life.

Also now is the time to look at nurseries and childminders. I would not be asking your parents to have her how many days a week? Get a reliable paid childcare set up and leave your poor parents to enjoy time with their dgd without obligation. Theyve done their child rearing years.

NapQueen · 03/09/2017 18:16

When does he ever have her alone?

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Leo10 · 03/09/2017 18:18

Your husband needs to grow up.
Why should your parents have your girl at the drop of a hat?

They didn't have a baby, you 2 did.

Silverthorn · 03/09/2017 18:27

He doesn't want a child does he? She cramps his lifestyle big time. Poor kid. I could never leave my child to cry hysterically for 5minutes let alone 5hours! Why are you letting him dictate to you and yours?

namechangedtoday15 · 03/09/2017 18:39

You want to leave your 6 month old baby with grand parents for the weekend?

Honestly you both need to have a serious discussion about what having a child means in terms of responsibilities. Booking a night out without considering whether you have childcare in place?! Entitled and arrogant.

You and your H also need to sit down with your parents and express your gratitude for what they have done to date. You (as a couple) also need to think about how they will be involved in your daughter's life without it being free babysitting. You both also need to think about childcare when you return to work which isn't simply your parents.

DartmoorDoughnut · 04/09/2017 09:31

Just for the record, the only time I've left my now 3yr old overnight is when I had his brother when he was 2yrs old. My DPs looked after him during the day and my DH came home both nights to do bedtime. My awesome MIL has had him them for a couple of hours during the day so I can have my hair cut.

Other than that I stand by my original comment, your DH is a twat. Why didn't you overrule him when they first called and said you were going home? Who the fuck died and made him your boss?!

FuckYouLinda · 05/09/2017 16:05

Could you expand on what he does with your baby? Is he hands on himself? Did his share of night feeds/ nappies and all that?

I'm guessing not. I'd be willing to guess that he would never accept being left with her alone. The fact that he expects that your mother should automatically put her life on hold to rear his child without any consultation with her suggests he's a bit of a misogynist who expects that it's women's work. And in that case, no help = no opinion, so he can go fuck himself.

It's a personal choice to leave your child for a weekend. Some children are fine, others play up. We didn't go out often because we didn't often have offers to babysit. But I'd rush home if the baby was distressed. Baby comes first. Anyone who could blithely carry on with their night out knowing their baby is so distressed and had been for hours to the point they are getting sick needs their head examined.

EEandEmakes3 · 05/09/2017 16:42

What's the point in having a baby if he wants to offload her all the time. Tell him to grow up and look after his baby. Ugh! What a prick!

ForgetAboutSleep · 05/09/2017 22:11

Your poor parents (and DD)! How unfair of him to make them feel like they had done something wrong .

FWIW DS is 6 months and I haven't left him with anyone yet (the odd half hour with DH but thats it). Other end of the scale maybe but still...

I'm not sure I would have (or could have) waited a few more hours to she if she settled. DD must have been pretty distressed by the point of the phone call anyway as surely calling you was a last resort for your parents.

MsGameandWatching · 05/09/2017 22:21

My ex was like this, so similar.

It culminated in a little speech when DS was around nine months old where he told me that he never thought life would have to change this much and so his wouldn't be. His exact words were "only one of our lives have to change and it's not going to be mine".

Ecureuil · 05/09/2017 22:29

He sounds like a knob. My parents and IL's absolutely adore my DC. My mum had DD1 overnight for the first time when she was 2, and has subsequently had DD1 and DD2 overnight twice (they're now 3 and 2). My dad and IL's have never had them overnight. Doesn't mean they don't adore them or want to spend time with them, they're just not a source of free babysitting.
Did he actually want children? Sounds like he doesn't realise that you're life alters after children, by necessity. What sort of parent willingly leaves their child inconsolable at 6 months of age, just for the sake of a night out?

SaneAsABoxOfFrogs · 05/09/2017 22:31

Another voice here saying your husband is a dick with completely unrealistic and selfish expectations of your parents. You shouldn't feel stuck in the middle, you should be telling him what everyone here is saying!

Tilapia · 05/09/2017 22:34

I'm shocked to read this. Your poor parents. After 5 hours of your DD crying solidly he reluctantly agreed to let you go to her?!

My parents are very hands on grandparents, but they didn't look after my DC overnight without me being there until they were much older than 6 months.

puttingthegenieback · 05/09/2017 22:38

I am quite disconcerted to read that you left her to scream inconsolably for six hours! Obviously she was being cared for by your parents as best they could, but I never would have left one of my young babies with anyone for that amount of time if they were so upset.

flutterby12 · 05/09/2017 22:46

Why didn't you go home the first time your dad called?! No way I would leave my DS if I knew that, I'd be home like a shot!

whateverlovemeans · 09/09/2017 02:55

Book yourself a nice day (or weekend) at the spa and give him a chance to show everyone how it's done.

Leavingonajet · 09/09/2017 03:09

I have to agree that your DH is well out of line, he is a parent and needs to grow up. I would also agree that getting him to spend time looking after dd by himself needs to happen sooner rather than later, he has some very unrealistic ideas about life with DC which you need to address sooner rather than later.

whinetime89 · 09/09/2017 03:26

Your husband is being a knob! He should be grateful they offer support no matter how big or small.

olympicsrock · 09/09/2017 04:43

My DS is 2 . Neither grandparents have had him for a weekend yet. I can't believe you want to leave a young baby for so long without his mother. It's unrealistic. An afternoon yes or possible a night with parents at close hand in case of trouble. Your parents can offer help as a favour but it's not expected. Show him this thread!

Ttbb · 09/09/2017 05:02

Has your husband ever been to a therapist? It seems like he might have sone problems with basic empathy.

RiotAndAlarum · 09/09/2017 06:28

Given that he wanted free childcare from your parents, is he now expecting you to pay for childcare out of your salary alone? I wouldn't give up work if I were hou. Nor would I have another baby with him. Also: mend relations with your parents if you can : you may need them!

Footle · 09/09/2017 08:54

I don't think you will forgive yourself for allowing him to keep you from your daughter for 6 hours, knowing she was so unhappy. Never mind how distressed your parents were.
The child is yours and your husband's. She's here to stay - mostly with the two of you.

kittybiscuits · 09/09/2017 08:58

You're husband is hideous. Is he controlling/abusive to you?

kittybiscuits · 09/09/2017 09:00

*your

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