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Original poster

Gap between babies...

32 replies

Horseshoe1 · 02/09/2017 09:13

Hello all,

I know I won't be the first to ask but...

We have a 10 month old daughter who is glorious. Pregnancy was straightforward but birth was long and tortuous and a bit traumatic. She's a good baby but like all first time parents we've found it a mad year and we both run our own businesses which has added pressure to some degree (along with some flexibility!)

We always planned to have a 2 year gap but now it's approaching conception time again that seems really quick!

Me and my husband through 2 years is best for friendship between siblings (we only plan to have 2). We also wonder if it's better to embrace the madness immediately while we're used to it, or whether to have a bit of a recovery year (or two) in between, when our little one will be at nursery and we can work properly etc. What do you think? Is 2 years optimal like I always thought it was, or does a 3/4 year gap work well for you?

TIA

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TheSleeperandTheSpindle · 02/09/2017 10:03

My DS is 10 months too and I always thought I wanted a 2 year gap but like you, it all seems too soon to be trying for another one! Especially when I'm only going back to work after maternity leave.

So I'm no help to you at all, in exactly the same boat

VocalDuck · 02/09/2017 10:04

I was already pregnant with my next child by then time each of mine was ten months old!

Shadowboy · 02/09/2017 10:07

We have a 2 year 6 week gap between our two (unplanned second!) and found it to be quite a nice gap as the eldest was nearly potty trained and played alone happily so when I was sorting the baby she wasn't too bothered. However now the little one is 10 months old they have started playing together and I think will be good company for each other.

In some ways I'm glad the 2nd came along before the planned (3 year gap) because each baby 'resets the clock' so to speak- so the bigger the gap, the further back you reset the work/career/holidays/hobbies clock.

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FruitBadger · 02/09/2017 10:09

I am pregnant with DC2, there will be a 3 year age gap. Partly because a smaller gap was a bit too full on for us to consider and partly because of the free nursery hours funding which will kick in as I start Maternity Leave, so DS will be able to continue spending some time at Nursery whilst I'm off work and not able to focus on him because there's a baby in the mix and so it's less of a shock to him when I go back to work after DC2. Hopefully it'll work out....

Realistically there is no right or wrong answer. The right gap is when you feel financially and emotionally ready.

LegoLady95 · 02/09/2017 10:13

We have a 15 month gap between DS1 and DS2, then a 4 year gap till DD1. Both are fine! DS2 and DD are extremely close.

NameChange30 · 02/09/2017 10:14

Place marking as I'm in a similar boat! Always thought I wanted a 2 year gap but now wondering if 3 would be better...
DS (first baby) is a joy but has been a massive shock to the system! Part of me thinks we should get number 2 over with or we'll never do it, but DH is now saying he's not sure about having another at all

hakkenKrak · 02/09/2017 10:14

Our kids age gaps are 3.5, 4.9,4.6. I honestly wouldn't have had them any closer together. I wanted time to enjoy each baby and not be pushing them toward milestones because I also had a young baby. I think you have to consider what life will be like if #2 has special needs and how that will affect your life and the older sibling. Or if you just get a tricky baby who gets colic/reflux etc. The year my third was born I barely remember my older kids because he was such an unsettled baby. It always amazes me that people don't consider that there is a lot of data behind spacing and the outcomes for the children. Here's one giant study but there are plenty more. It's been a while since I looked but the conclusion seemed to be to wait at least 18m-2years for the lowest risk for things like autism etc.
www.webmd.com/baby/news/20060418/pregnancy-spacing-affects-outcome

MsPassepartout · 02/09/2017 10:18

The age gap between DS1 and DS2 is very close to 2 years.
Hard work at first, but now that they're a few years older, they're great playmates for each other when they're not at odds with each other

MusicToMyEars800 · 02/09/2017 10:20

I have 2 DD's aged 5 and 7 and they are as thick as thieves, which I ove and they keep each other company.
But on the other hand they fight and argue a lot, And they plot and plan together and get into a lot of mischief which is very stressful
But I wouldn't have it any other way.

rabaria · 02/09/2017 10:23

Totally depends on their personality, which you can't predict, so do what suits you.

I know many people with little age gap between theirselves and their siblings, and they still aren't friends.

And I know people who have gaps over 5 years and they are the best of friends ( from adulthood).

Many of my closest friends are 15 years older or younger.

What matters when they are tiny doesn't last, and they aren't tiny for long

rabaria · 02/09/2017 10:25

Fwiw I have a five year age gap between my two, and they are thick as thieves/ fight like they hate each other depending on their mood ;)

Anditstartsagain · 02/09/2017 10:25

I have 4.5 years and they adore each other it really annoys me when people assume kids won't be friends unless they are very close in age. My niece is 5 years older than my ds1 and they are best friends too.

Your kids will be individuals having them close doesn't mean they will get on. If anything i've found the big age gap helps them get on because the older ones can understand why they need to wait for me or see to themselves and have more patience for the little ones.

There is no right or wrong but please don't think age will have an effect on if they are friends it will most deffinetly not.

ShiveryTimbers · 02/09/2017 10:27

I just couldn't have coped with another little one before my DD was at least 3 (actually, I left it longer and she is now 4 and I am due this month).

It just felt overwhelming to have two children who would both be so dependent at the same time. Now that my DD can dress herself and play more independently, it feels easier. Also she can scoot or walk places rather than always being reliant on the buggy.

But you will probably get other views from people who think it's easier to get it over with all at once... there are definitely different perspectives on this, and I guess you do end up with children who are close in age and get it all over with sooner :-)

Ellieboolou27 · 02/09/2017 10:28

I've a 3 year gap, wanted a 2 year but took ages for me to fall, from experience I'd say 2 year is ideal but 3 has its perks as dd1 had started nursery so had a bit of a break

OctoberMarch · 02/09/2017 10:33

My DD is nearly 11 months old and I found out yesterday that I'm pregnant again. This wasn't planned, and we had wanted to wait for a few years before trying again but that's not going to happen!

I know it's going to be tough and a struggle but I know we'll get there

QuackDuckQuack · 02/09/2017 10:56

I thought we'd have a 2 year gap but couldn't face having another at that point. We've actually got a 4.5 year gap and it works really well. DD1 and DD2 get on well and do enjoy being around together. It seems quite a popular gap as you only pay 1 set of nursery fees at once.

confused123456 · 02/09/2017 11:04

We want about 5 years between ours. So our 1st will be at school by the time our 2nd is born.

Stellato · 02/09/2017 11:18

A two year gap means you will have A-levels and GCSEs going on at the same time. It also means that the small one will probably outgrow their infant car seat before the big one is into a high backed booster. Just a few things that make me glad ours are three years apart. Not unmanageable if they are two years apart of course, but some considerations.

ElizabethShaw · 02/09/2017 11:24

3.5 year gap between each of our three, and has been ideal for us. Enough of a gap that we haven't had jealousy issues and older child is at nursery, potty trained, able to wait and fetch own drinks/snacks, no double buggy, can really enjoy the baby bit each time and nap in the day time, go to baby groups etc. However still close enough that they can play together. By the time mat leave ends the older one has started school so only one at a time in full time childcare too.

A 2 year gap looks too hard for me, I think I like my sleep too much!

Original poster

Horseshoe1 · 02/09/2017 13:42

Thanks this is all incredibly helpful. Of course friendship never can be relied upon... I guess it's more a case of they can do the same holiday clubs, enjoy each other's birthday parties etc. My siblings were 7 and 5 years older and tbh we never formed a really close bond although they are great people! So that might have skewed my thinking. It's so great to read the experience of others!

OP posts:

teaortequila23 · 02/09/2017 13:47

I got pregnant with my second when my DD was 10 months she's now 3 and a half and he's turning 2 they have a amazing bond they play together and get on well. We are now thinking of having number 3 but I'm worried the gap is too big.... my mum had 5years between me and my sister and we only get on now as adults.

BillBrysonsBeard · 02/09/2017 13:48

I have a 3yr age gap and it's perfect for us.. oldest is independent, at nursery, doesn't bolt off when we go out, can help bring nappies, needs no equipment, can talk and we can explain about baby etc.

MelvinThePenguin · 02/09/2017 13:49

I have 2.3 yo and 3 month old DDs. They are 23.5 months apart. I planned for 2 years and it worked out perfectly. I wouldn't change it at all.

DD1 understood that a baby was coming, so adapted extremely well. She's also really helpful in fetching muslins when I'm feeding her very sicky sister!

The only downside is double nursery fees for a year (though the 30 free hours will help a lot) but I knew we could afford it and like the idea of our very confident DD1 being there for DD2 if she happens to be a bit more shy.

cloudjumper · 02/09/2017 13:54

There are pros and cons for both small and large age gaps, do what feels right for you.

Just don't get hung up on it - it might not go to plan whatever you choose. I wanted the 2-year gap, but 4 miscarriages made it a 4.5-year gap.

MelvinThePenguin · 02/09/2017 13:55

I forgot to mention that DD1 still naps brilliantly. Absolute sanity saver with a newborn!

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