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Original poster

AIBU

32 replies

becca1611 · 31/08/2017 22:35

I'm a first time mum and since my baby was 2 weeks old my mother in law has been asking to take baby out for the day. I don't dislike my mother in law but she's not my number 1 choice in person but I am always very nice for the sake of my partner and more so now because of baby. I managed to shrug her off for the first few weeks telling her it was too soon and I wasn't ready for baby to go out without me. She continued to pester and so I let her take baby for a walk but I dropped baby off and collected so it was on my terms and I returned within an hour.
Baby is now nearly 7 weeks old and my partner and I went away for the night this week leaving baby with my mum. I was very reluctant to do so as really didn't want to leave baby. This has now caused tension as I knew it would because I left baby with my mum and not mother in law. She now wants baby for the whole day at the weekend. My partner doesn't understand and thinks I'm being selfish this has caused a huge argument and we currently aren't speaking.
Anyway I have agreed to let mother in law have baby for 4 hours but she messaged my partner back saying she was hoping for longer. NO was my response but he went behind my back and has arranged for her to have baby for 6 hours.
I really don't want to let baby go. I have no plans and nothing to do to distract myself in the day. My partner is working too. Am I being totally unreasonable? How do I stop this going ahead. My stomach is in knots and I literally sob every time I think about it 😢

OP posts:
Qcumber · 31/08/2017 22:37

Well, while I can understand not wanting to leave your baby, it is unfair to let your mum have dc and not your MIL. Is there any particular reason you don't want your MIL to watch dc? Do you not trust her?

Mrscropley · 31/08/2017 22:39

Your dh needs to grasp that his dm has had her time with dc and now it's your time!!
He needs to be putting your feelings first. None of my dc were out my sight for at least a year!!

user1499786242 · 31/08/2017 22:40

Your baby, your rules...

I can sort of see why she could potentially be abit miffed
From her point of view you're happy to leave the baby over night with your mum but not with her... she probably just feels slightly offended!

Tbh 7 weeks is still really really young, if you don't want to leave them. Don't

I still don't and my baby toddler is 2 Blush
To be fair no one has ever offered I would give my left tit for a full nights sleep

Have a chat with your partner and try to find a compromise, if you're happy with 4 hours then tell her that and if she won't accept it then don't take the baby there...

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endofthelinefinally · 31/08/2017 22:42

You should not have to leave your baby with anyone. MIL is being ridiculous. You are the parent, you make the decisions.

dementedpixie · 31/08/2017 22:42

The baby is not a toy to be passed about from person to person. The OP has no need for the baby to be away from her at the weekend and would then be left by herself if her partner is also working. Tell your mil that next time you are away for the night she can look after the baby but until then you don't want to be away from them

INeedNewShoes · 31/08/2017 22:43

7 weeks is very young to be left with someone that is not their mother just for the sake of it. Just say no. Little babies need their mother! Fourth trimester etc. etc...

I have a very chilled out baby and I am pretty relaxed about baby spending time with others, being taken for walks by others but even now at 16 weeks I still feel a bit funny about being apart from her for more than a couple of hours.

Mixedupmummy · 31/08/2017 22:43

Yanbu imo. It's your baby. Not a toy to be passed around and shared. Angry

Could you spend the day together as a compromise? And let her know she gets first dibs on babysitting next time you need.

Titanz · 31/08/2017 22:45

Your baby, your rules...

Also her DP's baby, so I understand why he's a bit peeved because OP is allowing her mum to have the baby but not his mum.

She's pushing her luck though hoping for longer when you've agreed to the four hours!

T00ManyB00ks · 31/08/2017 22:47

Ummm you don't have to leave your baby if you don't want to. Mine's 14 weeks and I'm only just considering leaving her with my mum to go out for birthday drinks. TBH I'm not sure how long I'll actually get away.
But note that I'm doing it because I want to!

EllaNB · 31/08/2017 22:47

Why can't she just come to you and spend time with your baby together? I don't see why she needs the baby for six hours when you have no reason to be apart from your baby. I would suggest that you spend the day together with baby and agree that she can care for the baby over night in the future when you and your DH next go away?

T00ManyB00ks · 31/08/2017 22:48

Got to say I'm getting a bit pissed off with the idea that a baby is a thing you can "have a go with". She's a baby, not a bloody doll!

T00ManyB00ks · 31/08/2017 22:49

I might be projecting a bit there.

Phoenix76 · 31/08/2017 22:49

I completely understand where you're coming from, it's like a physical pain. When I had to go back to work I had to leave my baby with dp's parents for a whole day a week, I thought I was going to pass out with anxiety and wrote 2 pages of "instructions" for them. But an amazing thing happened, they looked after her really well, they clearly loved her like their own and as she started saying words she actually told me how much she loved them and what fun she'd had. She looked forward to spending time with them and everyone, including me, was happy. The bond they had was mutually beneficial in so many ways. I do understand that gut wrenching, sick to the pit of your stomach feeling, but having someone else love your baby almost as much as you do is an amazing thing and as time goes on you will feel the same. It takes time to trust anyone with your most precious being but what better way to start than with someone who already loves your baby. It does get easier, as hard as it is to believe, you'll soon enough be knocking at their door for help!

Merida83 · 31/08/2017 22:49

YANBU not at all.
Your baby your rules. You 'get out if it' by saying it's not happening end of. That you understand she wants quality time with grandchild but the at that age who baby needs most is mum then dad. So I think allowing even a few hours is more than enough. Baby is only 7 weeks fgs. Think your dh is a tad clueless and needs to remember your wishes and babies needs come way before his mother's huffs.

Don't be afraid to put your foot down and just say no. Prioritise you and baby the rest if the world can wait!

Phoenix76 · 31/08/2017 22:53

I do want to add though that if it really is unbearable to you, pp's are absolutely right, no one can make you do anything you're not comfortable with, no one and you are perfectly entitled to say no, it really is your baby your rules!

INeedNewShoes · 31/08/2017 22:54

Phoenix - How old was your baby when you went back to work?

GreenTulips · 31/08/2017 22:58

Tell him no!

It's horrible when it's forced, makes you feel more on edge doesn't it?

McCheese · 01/09/2017 05:12

No way!!!

My DD is 9 weeks and I left her with DP for and hour whilst i went to the dentist and was crying my eyes out on the way home.

She's your baby and you should not feel pressured into leaving her with someone else especially for no actual reason.

I can understand why MIL has had her nose put out of joint but she's an adult and should not be acting like this.

As a compromise I would suggest you invite her to spend the day/morning with you and go somewhere nice?

Changerofname987654321 · 01/09/2017 07:12

No way would I leave my baby that age. If you are not happy leaving your baby it is time to say to MIL that you made a mistake leaving your baby with your mother and you won't be leaving your baby again with anyone for a long time.

Your hormones and body will be screaming at you not to leave your baby. Listen to how to feel because it is better in this situation for you to be with your baby.

mummabubs · 01/09/2017 07:51

YANBU at all. I'm due to give birth in 6 weeks and can't imagine leaving our child with anyone that wasn't me or DH for at least the first few months. Also (I don't think anyone else has said this?) but in my experience it feels very different for me contemplating leaving our child with my mum compared to my MiL- and me and MiL get on fine but I inherently trust my mum more I guess because I know her so much better... that and from mid afternoon onwards MiL is partial to the odd glass of wine and does so whilst looking after her other grandchildren.

AutumnGlitterBall · 01/09/2017 07:58

I don't know where this obsession with grandparents having time alone with the baby is coming from. So many seem to think it's the only way to build a relationship with the baby but it isn't. I didn't leave mine with anyone other than his dad until he was about nine months. Any time the grandparents (or anyone else) wanted to see him, they came to the house or we went out for the afternoon or for something to eat.

Grandparents should be taking their lead from you as parents of the baby.

Original poster
becca1611 · 01/09/2017 08:20

I'm so pleased to hear that it's not just me being funny and that you all agree baby should be with us still. She is always more than welcome and does often pop round and I leave her in charge whilst I pop for a shower or sort some washing but I'm only ever in the next room and pop back and forth to them. I bravely text her last night telling her that partner went behind my back and that leaving her the other night was really hard I'm not ready for her to go away again for such a long period and just reminded her she's always welcome round here and that now the school holidays are over and all my friends are back at work I will be getting into a routine and will make more effort to go see her too. Just feel really sick about it as she's still not replied 😬
It's not that I don't trust her at all. She was working the night my mum baby sat anyway. And maybe a little like you say I have a much better bond with my mum and having spent time with my mum when baby was 2 weeks she helped us and was in the background to see what we do and how we do things so I know she would have done everything like I do.

OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 01/09/2017 08:39

I wouldn't want to leave my baby with someone who was so pushy to have baby all to themselves. Where will it stop? Will the next thing be that she wants baby for a weekend, a week etc.?

Stop feeling sick. She's massively shooting herself in the foot and she needs to relax and take a step back. You are not in the wrong here by any stretch of the imagination!

Velvian · 01/09/2017 08:47

YANBU at all. You do not have to leave the baby with her at all. This is not the best way for your mil to lay foundations for a good relationship with her dgc.

GreenTulips · 01/09/2017 09:43

The best way MIL can have a relationship with GC is to have a great relationship with DIL

Well done for the text - let us know what she says - and I hope you've told DH the same thing

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