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Original poster

Not really sure where to put this but here goes, Advice needed

34 replies

kimiTheEasterBunny · 01/04/2007 12:18

My sisters friend had a baby last November.
From the moment she got pregnant she stopped going out, worked from home and worried about everything.

She had the baby who is lovely and my sister went to visit her and her hubby and new DS who was held by mummy and daddy the whole time, not once put down. Sisters friend said she was dreading her hubby going back to work as she would not even be able to have a shower as there was no one to hold the baby!!!

Sis told her that I (sis is childless) used to have a shower when my DS1 was asleep or put him in a bouncy chair by the bathroom door.
Friend felt this was wrong.
So now its April and I was talking to sis yesterday and she said she was worried about her friend as since the baby has been born she has only taken him out once!
She took him to the supermarket, he cryed and she went home leaving her shopping in the trolley in the alse.
She wont take him out in case he need to feed (bf) or needs changeing or crys or is near anyone smoking or catches something.

I think she may have PND but I don't know how to help.

Also she is not giving him anything but breast milk at the moment.
Advice please

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FrannyandZooey · 01/04/2007 12:22

A baby born in November doesn't need anything except breastmilk until May or June

There are families who believe their children should be held all the time / as much as possible and this is their business

I have left my shopping in the supermarket before and just gone home when ds was little, because he was crying

I wasn't suffering from PND

Does she seem to be distressed / struggling or are you just maiking judgements based on her parenting beliefs?

Taylormamaloveslindtbunnies · 01/04/2007 12:25

Why do you think she has PND? She sounds protective and nervous which is totally normal for a first time mum .. some people deal with their anxieties in their own way which they are comfortable with ... as for breastmilk that is fine - weaning shouldn't begin until baby is 6 months old.

Original poster

kimiTheEasterBunny · 01/04/2007 12:26

No F&Z I am not judging her or how she wants to parent a child, I was just worried that she has shut herself and her child away for so long.
She will not go out.

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grannyquackersleetlefuffychick · 01/04/2007 12:26

i think i was like that with my first baby. i couldn't bear to leave her to cry for a minute. i don't know if there is much you can do about it, tbh.

breast milk only is fine for a baby born in november

CadburyCremeSquonk · 01/04/2007 12:27

Does she have any friends of her own who have children? It can be very isolating if you don't know anyone in the same circmstances as you. Have you tried befriending her yourself?

Taylormamaloveslindtbunnies · 01/04/2007 12:27

Kimi - i remember not leaving the house with my DS on my own for weeks ... i was a wreck and knackered and sometimes the thought of getting us both out and dressed was just too much effort - maybe now the weather is better she will venture out in the sun???

FrannyandZooey · 01/04/2007 12:28

Well, I think you are judging her, from reading your post. What is the problem with her holding the baby all the time if she wants to? What is the problem with her leaving the supermarket if her baby is crying and she couldn't handle it?

And please tell me what is wrong with a child born in November still having only breastmilk? It's what babies are meant to have.

Original poster

kimiTheEasterBunny · 01/04/2007 12:28

She sees no one apart from her DH and wont even go to the baby clinic.
She was very confident and out going before.

OP posts:

jalopy · 01/04/2007 12:28

Would be worried about the fact that baby has only been out once in 5 months.

CadburyCremeSquonk · 01/04/2007 12:30

Kimi - how do you know all this. If your sister has no children, she may just not understand what is going on in this girl's life. She may go for a walk every day with the baby, but your sister doesn't class it as going out Are you sure of your facts?

emmatomATO · 01/04/2007 12:33

I havn't got newborns but sometimes I just need to huddle down in doors and not make my usual contacts with anyone. Little phases that I go through. Not going out, at certain times, is quite 'normal' for me.

Your friend has all these hormones going around. She could be having a babymoon time where her little one is the sole centre of her world and she wants nothing else but to be with her baby at the mo.

On the other hand she could be feeling particularly low and depressed.

Can your sister ask her if she is feeling low. She doesn't need to have children to recognise a person struggling with depression. I reckon your sister is in the best position to help, ie for her to let her friend know she is there for her, to help physically or emotionally if wanted.

Original poster

kimiTheEasterBunny · 01/04/2007 12:33

CCS I don't think she knows anyone with babies (my babies are quite big now) I know her and did try to point her in the direction of mumsnet.
Her family are all abroad, so are her DHs so I think she is a bit alone.

I know the first time I took DS1 to the supermarket alone I was worried but as he was a summer baby we went for lots of walks.

I did not BF and was told DS1 would need water as well as milk (and before you all jump on me I could not BF for health reasons).

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Original poster

kimiTheEasterBunny · 01/04/2007 12:35

Sis phones her alot, would seem from what the friend has said that it is about all the contact she has with anyone at the moment.
Also sis pops round, friend always seems sad and lonley. She and sis have been friends for a long time

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 01/04/2007 12:35

Kimi, breastfed babies don't need anything, except breastmilk, for at least 6 months

princesscc · 01/04/2007 12:36

kimi - like you I don't think I was expecting the responses you have got so far! I agree she may not have pnd, but on the other hand she might. I understand what you are thinking, 'what if she has and I have done nothing to help'. I don't think you can steam in and assume, so like CCS says, can you make friends with her?

CadburyCremeSquonk · 01/04/2007 12:36

Firstly, kimi, no-one should jump on you for not bfing. A bottle fed baby needs water, but a bf baby doesn't as the first bit of breast milk is liquid for a "drink"

It sounds to me that she is isolated and lonely rather than depressed.

Point her in the direction of mumsnet for online support, and netmums have a good local mums network so she could maybe find some rl friends. Perhaps her hv could recommend a mother and toddler group?

I think you are right to be concerned, but you are perhaps worrying about the wrong things.

flack · 01/04/2007 12:38

I dunno, sounds a like an extreme case of Precious FirstBorn Syndrome. More like agoraphobia than PND, too.

Breastmilk alone is fine, too bad she won't feed in public, though. I know a lot of people won't, they usually stop by this age precisely because of that. How does her DH stand this, I'd go mental being stuck at home 24/7. Poor babe is gonna get clobbered with cold viruses when it finally does get out.

FrannyandZooey · 01/04/2007 12:38

It sounds like your friend is really worried about her being isolated. It's really hard for us to judge though, isn't it, because we're hearing about this third and fourth hand. And I sort of suspect a huge amount of judging going on between the lines

("holds him ALL THE TIME???? Only BREASTMILK??? Doesn't go OUT?????"....you see what I mean.....)

Original poster

kimiTheEasterBunny · 01/04/2007 12:39

We live quite far apart, so I could not pop n very easily tbh.

We email she sends pics etc.

I am just worried that she is feeling alone and has no one to turn to, and does not know where to turn.

As I sad I could not BF so I was not sure if water was needed or not.

OP posts:

CadburyCremeSquonk · 01/04/2007 12:46

When you next e-mail her, give her the address of mn and netmums. Also, she might actually want to stay in. Do her e-mails sound happy and bouncy or does she sound down? There are plenty of things that you can suggest to her, but you can't make her go along with any of them.

Good luck

Original poster

kimiTheEasterBunny · 01/04/2007 12:47

F&Z I really am not judging her at all and I'm sorry you think I come across that way.
Although I do see that on most post you post on you try to kck it off and have a go rather then be of any help.

I am worried about someone I know and like, and I was asking for advice from MNs who have small children as I have said mine are not small any more and everyone parents in their own way.
I was worried she has shut herself away, I was worried she is worn out I was worried she is alone and may not know where to ask for help or advice, I was worried she has not taken her child to the baby clinic, and I was worried that if she is depressed or out of her depth I should try to help instead of sitting talking about fruit shoot and sausage rolls.

OP posts:

tigermoth · 01/04/2007 13:01

You say AFAIK the mother has only taken the baby out once since November. I just wondered if the mother goes out anywhere by herself, or if the baby been taken out and about by the father? That might alter things a bit.

tbh, if I knew of someone who had only ventured out of the home once since November, I would be worried about them, baby or no baby.

If it is true that the mother has not left the house since November, it can't be good for her general health, however fine she is feeling mentally.

Has she got a good pushchair? does she know how to work it properly? That can all be a bit daunting for the a first time mother.
I think your sister is right to keep in close contact, if only to find out the full picture.

tigermoth · 01/04/2007 13:05

I also think it's good that you want ideas for some real life help for this mother.

If she is agrophobic, then telling her about websites and emailing her may actually be giving her more reason to say in. I think it's really helpful to tell her about mumsnet and netmums, and don't mean to criticise this, but also real life contact and face to face visits are just as important, if not more so.

BettySpaghetti · 01/04/2007 13:08

tigermoth asked what I was about to ask -has the mother only been out of the house once in the last 4/5 months?

Original poster

kimiTheEasterBunny · 01/04/2007 13:41

She has not been out with or without the baby and the DH has gone back to work, so he does not take baby out either.

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