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Parenting

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Original poster

I need to be told I'm a rubbish mum

35 replies

Pipsqueaked · 17/08/2017 14:50

I have a 4 year old and 8 month old. Yesterday I had a great day, took them both out for lunch, to the beach and for a boat ride.

Today (like most days) I suck. If I'm honest the 4 year old has spent most of the time on my iPad or watching television. We tried to get to the park but there was a tantrum over socks and the baby was crying so it didn't happen. It's sad that he's spending the holidays like this. I set him up with some arts and craft stuff but then needed to do a nappy change. He came in crying that he'd drank the paint because he thought it was banana milkshake. Luckily it's non toxic but I really shouted at him for being so stupid. (I know it was my fault for leaving him with it). I'm sick of people telling me it's not me being crap or it will get better. What if it won't?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LillyBugg · 17/08/2017 14:51

Surely the amazing day yesterday balances out the not so amazing day today?!

Seriously. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're not crap, you're completely normal.

Original poster

Pipsqueaked · 17/08/2017 15:01

I wish Lily but there are much more bad days than good

OP posts:

JoNapot · 17/08/2017 15:05

But it is the toughest time. Don't beat yourself up. Yesterday sounds fantastically adventurous to me with a baby! One to remember.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

4 year olds 6-9 months old Babies & sleep Families

sourpatchkid · 17/08/2017 15:08

Erm ... I have one 8 month old and whilst I can often get us out of the house we are always late. I don't cook, I don't clean, I'm completely ungroomed.

You have 2 very young children! Who's unrealistic standards are you trying to live up to?

Mol1628 · 17/08/2017 15:09

Most of my days are bad days too. I'm always surprised when we have a good day. That's just life with small children for me. I've lowered my standards. If they're mostly happy and they've got through the day safely then it's good. Anything extra is a happy bonus.

I always get out of the house in the morning and then have a relaxed afternoon where I feel less guilty about tv/iPad time. Most of my morning trips are a disaster, but as long as we are out of the house and we all stay safe, I consider it a success.

You're doing fine. It's normal.

QueenNefertitty · 17/08/2017 15:14

There's something called the good enough mother". My therapist told me about this theory- please do read this- and be kind to yourself.
www.seleni.org/advice-support/article/the-gift-of-the-good-enough-mother

BrutusMcDogface · 17/08/2017 15:18

You are doing brilliantly! Chin up!

And if it's bloody Facebook you're comparing yourself to, don't!! Because it's full of people posting their finest snapshot (together with hashtag blessed/making memories or other such shite) and for all you know, the rest of the day was a disaster. I commented on a beautiful picture of my friends dc in the woods, and she said that was literally the only moment the kid was smiling and not throwing a tantrum.

You are not crap!

crumbsinthecutlerydrawer · 17/08/2017 15:22

Oh my goodness, most of our summer holidays have been spent like this. I was saying this to someone today. We have gotten out and done a few things but generally only when dp has been off too. That said we have baked, crafted, Lego'd for ages and I'm bored now.

Thing is they really don't need to be on the go all the time. I've moaned about the amount of time ds has spent staring at one screen or another but tbh he'll be back at school soon and won't have the time. I've given up trying to dictate his entire holiday to him, it's his time off. I just know as an adult he'll be moaning about us saying 'we never did anything in the holidays'. I really have tried though.

You've done well to get out with both of them and have a fab day out, I don't really attempt it too much on my own anymore! Mine are 7 and 3 and always find something to argue about.

Original poster

Pipsqueaked · 17/08/2017 15:28

I'm comparing how I parented DS1 (we always were baking/ building/ painting or going somewhere) compared to how I parent 2 children. I just feel lazy but can't find the I don't know motivation to go anywhere/ do anything. DS2 just won't sleep either in the day or at night and I'm back in work 3 days a week so feel permanently exhausted! None of that DS1 (or DS2s) fault though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pipsqueaked · 17/08/2017 15:32

And my DH works away for weeks at a time so if I don't take the kids out on my own they don't get out or I would be much happier to wait for weekends and do stuff as a family.

OP posts:

Callamia · 17/08/2017 15:35

I'm hi-fiving you.
Ive got a newborn and a three year old, and we oscillate between being productive and outside, and inside and CBeebies-based. I'm becoming used to the idea that not being structured all of the time is great. Right now, the three year old is playing with his toys and making up stories. The baby is asleep on me. I'm having some mental time out.

It's ok that we're not making joyous memories all day long, or that we're a bit tired or are trying to do a million things at once. Do you remember the summer holidays when you were four? I don't, and I know we didn't go on holiday or do much outside of the backyard - we didn't have any money, and my brother was one. I don't feel like I've been horribly let down , and neither will our kids.

picklemepopcorn · 17/08/2017 15:37

It is different with your second. But it is still good enough! Honestly, they will be fine.

Ilikegarlicbreadxx · 17/08/2017 15:39

You're not! Have more faith, I'm sure you're great

LillyBugg · 17/08/2017 15:40

I honestly believe most parents have more just okay days rather than the 'amazing' days. It's just normal and real life.

I also did way more with DS1 than I do now I have two. It's so much harder. The little one won't remember. I have massively lowered my expectations on myself and life is much easier.

BrutusMcDogface · 17/08/2017 15:41

I have three now and sometimes wistfully remember the parent I was when I had two! Similar story to yours!

It'll get easier as your baby gets bigger and more interesting/interactive to the four year old. When he's toddling about after his big brother, I'm sure they (and you!) will be happier!

silkybear · 17/08/2017 15:49

Great link Queen. I needed to read that today

QueenNefertitty · 17/08/2017 15:54

@silkybear for you

I'm just getting over postpartum anxiety and "pure o" obsessive compulsive disorder that reared its head 6 months ago. That theory was a lifesaver.

Interestingly, my therapist tells me they've "quantified" what proportion of a child's non-essential needs need to be met to avoid long term psychological damage.

It's 30%.

If that's not heartening I don't know WHAT is.

Doowappydoo · 17/08/2017 16:00

I know it doesn't feel like it but you are doing great. You've had one good day and one when it feels like it's all gone wrong, that's ime completely normal at this stage (with probably more tough days than easy ones).

I also think getting out for the day is sometimes overrated, I used to put similar pressure on myself. Some days you have to really tell yourself it's ok to have a lazy day at home, maybe walk to the shops/park and that's it. I knew that in my head but I really had this overwhelming urge that I must take them somewhere at times and it was often a bit of a disaster. Now they are older they often talk about the little park or the cafe at Asda with a completely inexplicable fondness and they don't seem to remember my attempts at baking with them which they have probably blocked out because of all the shouting or the trips into town to see some children's theatre production.

FeralBeryl · 17/08/2017 16:12

OP yesterday sounds amazing! Children cherish those memories, I remember summer holidays and the odd day out to the local beach, I don't remember being bored shitless (although I probably must have been) for the rest of it, I remember the great days. Children do that.
Teachers will tell you when they do the 'my holidays' exercise, most kids will say 'oh we went to Grandma's/the zoo/the park/the beach' they will rarely prioritise 'oh we sat in pjs on the ipad'

Also - more importantly - the things you did with DC1, you won't need to worry about soon because they will play together. It's a totally different feeling once that starts, honestly, it's like a guilty weight being lifted.
You sound amazing - please just try and relax into your role, bring back at work is exhausting, this too shall pass.

Fudgit · 17/08/2017 16:21

I have very similar days a lot with DS who is 5... so I don't have the excuse of looking after a baby at the same time! He frequently does watch far too much television and I do feel guilty about it but I hope no real damage is being done and that I make up for it in other ways. I won't win any parenting awards but I'm a loving parent, I interact well, I keep him safe and fed and play with Lego etc, sometimes make it out, often don't and that's the best I personally can do. Not what I envisaged but I have to accept it and focus on the fact that he's a lovely, articulate and happy little boy who fortunately gets plenty of other input from nursery which he loves.

Fudgit · 17/08/2017 16:28

In case the last bit of my post sounds smug... I'm really not smug, I don't take full credit for his being happy and articulate etc and I think nursery has been a huge boon. I'm just focusing on the fact that as long as I provide the basics and am just about 'good enough' he appears to do well and is happy and developing normally which is what matters.

mctat · 17/08/2017 18:31

'Some days you have to really tell yourself it's ok to have a lazy day at home, maybe walk to the shops/park and that's it.'

'Now they are older they often talk about the little park or the cafe at Asda with a completely inexplicable fondness and they don't seem to remember my attempts at baking with them'

This. Small children actually thrive on familiarity and what can at first glance seem like quite a boring routine. They need down time to process the huge amount they're learning. Your trip out yesterday was enough. Just get a bit of outside time if you can. And try to resist the need to 'entertain' them at home. It's easier for you and good for them. It's ok for them to be a bit bored sometimes.

Desmondo2016 · 17/08/2017 22:12

I just look at it like, as an adult if I've had a busy productive time then I like to balance it out with a lazy day vegging and this chill out time is equally as necessary for kids. I'd also remember that if a young kid is being quiet and satisfied it's because he's happy. If he was bored and unstimulated I guarantee he would be the first to let you know. You're doing great . The sooner we accept that ipads/screen time are just part of the modern world the better, it's the equivalent of our generation having square eyes from too much telly growing up. Just go with what keeps your kids healthy and happy and make sure from time to time there's a bit of variety.

FartnissEverbeans · 17/08/2017 22:38

*Interestingly, my therapist tells me they've "quantified" what proportion of a child's non-essential needs need to be met to avoid long term psychological damage.

It's 30%.*

Thank you for this! I'll be clinging to it in my darkest hours!

Mayhemmumma · 17/08/2017 22:48

I feel like you. To combat it I sometimes give myself a list of daily minimal achievements. For example (mine are 3 and 5) at the end of the day I don't let myself wallow in guilt if:
-Kids have eaten fruit/veg/water alongside the process crap I often rely on.
-I've done one activity with them - puzzle or game for example - much harder for 5yo who wants me to play with her but I'm not allowed to do anything.

they've had some fresh air and exercise - even just in garden.
I've read at least one book. (Ignoring guilt of needing to do lots more with my super bright 5yo)
they are clean and go to sleep in a comfortable, clean bedroom.
they've been happy enough.

Urgh even the above seems hard work.

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