I need to be told I'm a rubbish mum

[Pipsqueaked]

I have a 4 year old and 8 month old. Yesterday I had a great day, took them both out for lunch, to the beach and for a boat ride.

Today (like most days) I suck. If I'm honest the 4 year old has spent most of the time on my iPad or watching television. We tried to get to the park but there was a tantrum over socks and the baby was crying so it didn't happen. It's sad that he's spending the holidays like this. I set him up with some arts and craft stuff but then needed to do a nappy change. He came in crying that he'd drank the paint because he thought it was banana milkshake. Luckily it's non toxic but I really shouted at him for being so stupid. (I know it was my fault for leaving him with it). I'm sick of people telling me it's not me being crap or it will get better. What if it won't?

Dds idea of the perfect summer day is watching Tv in her onesie! Asked her if she wanted a day out today... nah!

Dont sweat it!

.

@Mol1628
This is what we do. Even if it's just a morning spent trying out sofas in Ikea or the park or a tots group or a soft play or whatever I can get us to on time, then I feel less guilty about an afternoon in front of the TV or out in the sandpit.

Fabulous fun filled days out are mostly for family time, either with DH or other family members or friends. Arts and crafts are for day care as I'm the least creative person ever and stress about the one year old eating crayons.
I loved the 'good enough mother' article. A reasonable and possible image to strive for I think.

And the shouting - I have this conversation with DH all the time. Shouting happens. You're a sleep deprived human being, who's doing their goddamned best. If you need to sit your DS down and explain and say sorry afterwards then go for it, but I often find a cuddle and an I love you DS once I've calmed down does just as well.

Chin up @Pipsqueaked - this too shall pass (and other don't help at fucking bit phrases).

We have had a really busy morning today so my dd2 is having a nap she's 20 months and my dd1 who is 6 is watching a film while I sit and do sod all apart from drink coffee browse mn and bought some bedding off eBay 😂. Don't sweat it they're fine. So what you didn't get to he park? There's always tomorrow. So what you shouted at ds for drinking paint I would have too. We all get tired and irritable don't worry about it.

I remember me pestering my mum once when I was younger probably about 9/10 years old. She was clearly tired/pissed off for some reason lol and she said will you just leave me alone for 5 minutes please in a very exasperated tone. She apologised 5 mins later but now as an adult with two kids of my own I fully understand it. Also I didn't dwell on it as a kid either I love my mum regardless and have always even close to her

Hi op. I have something for you. My dc and 3 years apart. I felt like a shit mum when dd2 was a baby because she screamed all the time and I was barely available to dd1. All the same struggling to leave the house etc. Once around then I asked dd1 if she could remember before we had dd2 thinking she would treasure that time. She replied 'yes mummy I remember because I was so sad and lonely for a sister' and then all she had to put up with fell into perspective.
They are best friends now (4 and 7)

You're not a rubbish parent OP :)

I was signed off work at only 26 weeks pregnant a couple of weeks ago and have a 2 year old DD at home, and she has definitely been spending more time entertaining herself than she does if I'm usually at home, and this is absolutely fine. I've always been a fan of "lazy parenting" and self direct learning/play anyway. It started when PFB DD was around 6 months old, and I spent her whole 2 hour nap preparing a carefully curated, very beautiful looking activity. She woke up, wasnt interested at all and just wanted me to sing songs with hand actions while I sat her up in my lap.

It made me realise as she's got older and there is more and more pressure to be doing this and that, that its just not nexessary - when I know and see in her behaviour that she just needs to know me and her father are here for her, and take care of her, and respond to her.

Now that she is 2, I'm so glad I don't put huge pressure on myself to make sure every day is the kind of day you would hear about on social media or something and feel inadequate about. My DD loves our days together, and routine and repeated activities are good for their development. Doing something completely different and out of the way every day is not even beneficial for them and puts so much stress on the parent.

It's a bit silly but since being pregnant again I've been thinking about out ancestors, how their lives would have been centered around the same places and activities, and about how important it wold have been to care for your child bit also to raise them to be independent. I simply cant believe that we would have survived as a species if the essential needs of our children revolved around being entertained by the parent 24/7 - surely gentle guidance from the parent with independent interaction with the world they are coming to know is much better for them?

And I feel that the best thing you can do for their social and emotional development is to be responsive in a positive way - much easier of you are not breaking your back to organise a load of activities that they may not even want to engage in, and allow your self your own down time. I have properly waffled on here, I'm typing one handed while me and DD play piano and I can't even remember what I've written

I'm in the rubbish parent camp with you then OP. Currently 10 weeks pregnant and have felt awful for the past 4 weeks so poor DD has spent an awful lot of time in front of the tv telling mummy to wake up
It won't last forever, so long as your DC are happy and loved try not to beat yourself up.

This was me when my youngest was 8 months old

@genghis

Queen thank you so much for linking to that article - every mother should read it! It really gave me a new perspective on things.

pip you deserve a medal for even contemplating going to the beach on your own with 2 under 4! Our holiday outings this week have been trips to the supermarket and the park for a picnic bread, cheese, ham and fruit. You're doing a great job!

My kids are similar ages. I was definitely a better mum if one than I am of two!

My strategy is to get out of house as soon as possible after breakfast. I don't worry too much about me looking presentable! The getting out of the house is the toughest bit. Once we are out it's easy to pass the time at the park or river Or wherever and the baby happily has a morning nap in the pushchair.

Then when we are home I don't feel too guilty about tv/ iPad time in the afternoon as we have had fresh air and a run around.

I do feel bad my second hasn't had the same as my first had, but it will get better when number one child goes to school in September!