What should I be achieving with a 5 week old?

[Hollyhop17]

I am a very stressed first time mum to a 5 week old. My house is a tip, we are living off junk food. He is currently going through a growth spurt so is crying a lot/awake a lot/difficult to settle.

I am so upset at all of this. I feel like I should be doing more but there never seems to be anytime. My DH is back to work tomorrow so Ill be on my own with him for the first time.

What realistically should I be doing? Cleaning, cooking, leaving the house? I had HG throughout my pregnancy so the brunt of all cooking/cleaning fell to DH. I am keen to 'make up' for this, but finding it hard.

What are others able to do at this stage?

TIA

OP, when you feel like crap (which you will, babies are exhausting) try to just pause for a minute and smell the top of your baby's head, and just be. You are all your baby needs just as you are.

OP, I enjoyed my baby ten times more when I just gave in, accepted I'd wouldn't get anything done and it didn't really matter. It doesn't feel like it, but it all passes, so just go with the flow and let people look after you.

OP I had PGP and sciatica from 8 weeks. My DH did nearly everything for 34 weeks, including looking after our eldest. I felt much the same and I gave up on BF. People are right, you need to be kind to yourself. Looking after a baby is bloody hard work (even if you haven't laboured or BF). Woman you had an operation!

You really need to give yourself a break. Seriously. The advice on here is spot on and you deserve every bit of it!

Ah, yeah, sounds like you could do with a chat with your Dr or midwife. You've been though such a lot that it would knock the stuffing out of anyone to start with and PND could be making you feel worse.

Awww bless you! You have what most of us have when we have our first - unrealistic expectations of yourself!

My advice would be achieve 1 thing a day and getting out for a walk.

I use to make something on slow cooker 3 times a week and build up a store of foods.

Do 1 wash a day if needed or every other day.

Keep those antibacterial wipes and clean as you go along.

At weekends I use to do a blitz - with 2 of you going around you should be able to do a top to bottom in under an hour.

And if your bloody knackered and need to sit down then do it! It's better to rest when needed and abandon the washing for a day then burn yourself out and not be able to do anything for days on end.

When Dd was five weeks I was never dressed, living on sandwiches and still hadn't taken her out in the buggy (it was a snowy January). Christmas was a write off and everything was a mess. I remember at exactly 5 weeks feeling like I couldn't manage another day of it, apparently I now realise due to a sudden drop in hormones. It's so tough and nothing like I expected. Be kind to yourself above all else and survive for now.

What should I be achieving with a 5 week old?
Fuck all!
In bed, with the baby (or nearby if you don't co-sleep)
Eat and drink moderately. Feed the baby on demand if breastfed.
Keep the baby clean to avoid soreness.
If you get chance, have a shower. Probably when there's someone there to hold the baby for you.
There'll be plenty of time to do more next year.

Eat. Drink water. Feed baby and change napies.

That's all.

Unless my partner made me lunch... there was often no lunch that day... very high needs baby...

Keep your feeding station (the sofa) stocked with water and the remote control.

Have a bath together when you feel confident.

Congratulate yourself on keeping you both alive and have a glass of wine!

It does get easier...!

Be nicer to yourself! You have to teach your little one this too, so best start now :)

What should you be doing? Feeding and changing the baby and sleeping. That's it. Get DH to make you sandwiches for lunch when he makes his lunch (or while dinners cooking), screw the housework, shower yourself if you get chance.
I'm currently at home with 3 week old ds. DH is basically tasked with anything that's not baby related and also does a feed in the evening. BF failed for us as well, it did with dd before too so I'm not beating myself up about it. Fed is best and I'm sticking with that.
It does sounds like you may have pnd though so if you still feel like this in a week please see your dr. With dd I had pnd for a year and no one (including me) picked up on it. I don't remember much from that year and it was miserable so please don't feel like you just have to put up with it.
It does get better otherwise no one would have more than one child. Just do whatever gets you through the day and, trust me, the housework will still be there waiting when you feel up to it

Be kind to yourself you are doing great! Take the expectation off your back. We all do it and it's unsustainable. At 5 weeks I started a local baby massage class once a week and that was it. Some days still I barely make it out of the house with a 4 month old! You will be fine. Baby just needs love and cuddles. Enjoy as I look at newborn pictures of my little one and can't believe how quickly the 4 months went by!

I'm 2 weeks ahead of you. My dd is 7 weeks old. This week I managed to shower without another adult in the house and basically felt like a winner!! My dH makes me a sandwich for lunch too and basically I just survive. I sleep when she sleeps. We clean when we can but the house is a bombsite and we are getting a cleaner. Don't be hard on yourself. I cried all of week 5. We are getting through it and we can do it. You're doing ace. I panicked loads when my dH went back to work and got really stressed about it but I've been doing it on my own on week days for 5 weeks now and basically my aim is to watch Neighbours and that's it!! Xx

You sound a bit down on yourself OP, are you feeling ok in general? (as far as you can with a newborn) I think you need cut yourself some slack to let yourself enjoy this precious time rather than worrying about tit for tat with your DP, and it sounds like he was expecting to keep up a higher level of household input and good on him.

You were certainly not useless for 9 months, you grew a human being, and having had HG for the whole 9 months myself I do understand the desire to make up for your partner having to do so much during pregnancy. But you are still sustaining a life other than your own, and learning how to do that on the job, on a probably less than ideal amount of sleep, as well as recovery from major surgery!

DP and I looked at our deliveroo app orders as they list them from the start of your account. We were pretty much living off takeaway for months after dd was born and that is not an exaggeration! And I rarely got out of my dressing gown for long, and if I went out it was a pretty slobbish ensemble most days.

Just focus on the baby, but also take time for yourself. I found it really useful after a day of having dd on my own that DP would run me a bath the moment he got back from work and then take dd for an hour or so, it's important to let yourself have time away from the baby to properly relax, and it is good for your DP to have one to one time with the baby. You sound like you've been doing a brilliant job, and week five was the hardest in my experience, remember it won't last forever!

I'm going to go against what almost everyone else has advised and say perhaps try to get out a little if you can.
You absolutely don't need to do anything at all - your baby is tiny and won't care where he is - but sometimes a change of scenery can make a huge difference to how you feel.
I can empathise with having an achievement driven personality and really doubting myself as a new mum because they just cry all the fucking time no matter what you do as it wasn't clear if I was doing it right. For me sitting at home with just my baby left me feeling a horrible combination of bored and ridiculously anxious. I had to be out and occupied or I was miserable.
The best bit of advice I got was to have everything ready to go. So changing bag packed - 2/3 nappies, pack of wipes, full spare outfit for ds, formula measured in a tub and bottle by kettle ready (don't know if you can do that anymore). Changing bag and pushchair in car. Outfit for me and outfit for ds laid out ready for morning. DH would help me do this the night before. Then I would try to shower before dh left for work. Then once I was properly awake, not usually before 11, I fed ds then I would head straight out. Often the supermarket for biscuits 😀. Or to my mums to sit on her sofa for the day. Or to one of my friends who I met at antenatal classes - but only the honest ones who would tell me they felt awful too.
I promise almost everyone feels like they've been hit by a bus for the first few weeks, even without the section. Anyone who says they don't are lying . It gets so so much better soon.

Fed is best

^that is a lovely way of putting it - I've never heard that before but as someone who wanted to EBF and extend it (but had to stop when milk dried up at 7 weeks ) it's really good to be reminded that I fed him and he thrived (whatever he had) and that's what's important.

P.S you're being way too hard on yourself. I was like this too and still am on occasions. Hormones are making you feel this way. You haven't been useless. Being pregnant is by FAR the hardest thing I have EVER done!!! And I gave birth naturally but that wasn't the hardest part by any stretch of the imagination. The hardest part for me was the first few weeks of the baby's life and the MASSIVE adjustment that this was. Just get through each day and try to do little things you enjoy. I have weirdly become addicted to Corrie. I didn't even watch it before!?!? But now I REALLY look forward to a night when Corrie is on!?? Or I listen to music I love when breast feeding and now that seems to calm the baby down too. You'll get through this time. It's getting easier each week, it will for you too xxxx (and I don't know what the hell i am doing still 7 weeks in and feel like a failure a LOT so honestly! It's not just you. We're all in this together!) xxx

OP it sounds like you're doing great but it's hard to just be ok with that, esp because of how pregnancy was. Have a look at Michelle Cree's writing about self compassion. Her book is about using a compassionate mind approach to PND. I am NOT saying I think you have PND, it's early days and I wouldn't presume but she says some very sensible things that I think should be required reading for all new parents might help with the feelings you're struggling with

Good luck and take care of yourself

I remember being in tears when my mum left when DS was 4 weeks. How was I going to cope by myself with DH at work and her not there to help me out all day?

A good day was us both making it fed and (relatively) clean until DH got home from work to sort out dinner. If I achieved one thing such as a load of washing or emptying the dishwasher I was happy! And my DS was a pretty chilled baby and a good napper. A great day was going out for a walk or having a friend visit (with food).

At 7 weeks I got out of the house and took DS to a baby group and things really improved from there. I had a focus to my day and started being able to go to the shop and cook dinner etc. But some days I just texted DH to get takeaway on the way home cos dinner hadn't happened. Or we had no clean clothes. Or the washing up was about 6 foot high.That's life.

That's life with a newborn. That should say!

Not much.

Feed the baby. Get out for a walk if you can.

I also had hg and was immobile with spd for most of pregnancy. CS birth and no milk so baby formula fed.

At 5 weeks baby was fed and clean. My personal achievement was working my way through a Costco carrot cake someone had bought for my birthday by myself in a week. Best week of my life

Hope today goes ok OP. Clean your teeth, that's it really.

We all get through it.

These are precious days. Feed and gaze.

Holly, please be kind to yourself.

You went through an unbelievably tough pregnancy, but you did it and got your little boy here safely! That's a huge achievement. And the most important thing, nothing else matters.

Listed to you DH. He is kind and supportive. Don't put unnecessary guilt on yourself. Don't put unnecessary expectations on yourself.

You're bang in the middle of the "fourth trimester", and frankly until that's at least passed, I think any sense of normality had to go out the window. Just focus on caring for baby and some basic care for yourself as well.

Hire a cleaner if you can afford it. Embrace the take aways, it won't be forever. There's a great mantra "everybody fed, nobody died". At the end of the day, if you've managed that, it's a success.

Thanks everyone (waves Lemon). I really appreciate your comments. I have an existing mh condition and had an appt with my perinatal team on Friday. I dont think its PND more likely my existing condition exacerbated by stresses of new born.

Had a goodish night and morning, though both still in pjs! But just fed him. Bringing the sleepyhead into bed before he left was genius by my DH. Fingers crossed for a better day.

Thanks again. Isnt it wonderful what a little bit of sleep does?!