What should I be achieving with a 5 week old?

[Hollyhop17]

I am a very stressed first time mum to a 5 week old. My house is a tip, we are living off junk food. He is currently going through a growth spurt so is crying a lot/awake a lot/difficult to settle.

I am so upset at all of this. I feel like I should be doing more but there never seems to be anytime. My DH is back to work tomorrow so Ill be on my own with him for the first time.

What realistically should I be doing? Cleaning, cooking, leaving the house? I had HG throughout my pregnancy so the brunt of all cooking/cleaning fell to DH. I am keen to 'make up' for this, but finding it hard.

What are others able to do at this stage?

TIA

Yes me too Mistle!
"A summer baby, lovely, we can go to the park, sit outside cafes etc"
In reality after an EMCS I barely left the house for a month! Have only just started getting out now that it's August and the weather's gone crap.

You've just got to lower your expectations/standards. Getting through the day is a huge achievement with a 5 week old. It will get easier.

Use one feed to meal plan the next week. Quick and easy meals. Spag bol, fajitas, sausages and pre mashed mash. Spend the next one doing the on line shop.

If your veg isnt preprepared or the meat isnt already diced for you dont buy it. Yes it's more expensive but it gets you through meal times quicker and it's not forever.

Pre sliced cheese and ham in a bagel is a quick and warmish lunch. Just eat pre cut carrots or sugarsnaps straight from the bag for that veggie hit.

Master the 5 minute shower and have that shower in the evenings. Not ideal but your husband can watch the baby whilst you wash, dry your hair properly and maybe run the straighteners though. Something as simple as that means that you just need to throw some clothes on in the morning and you are ready to go out if you want.

Take some clothes into the bathroom when you go to the loo. Poo and dress at the same time.

Mistle I left DC1 alone with DP for 2 hours early on with exactly the same results - his (subtle, unstated) disapproval at my rubbish housewifeness instantly disappeared

No not bf. Just another thing to feel guilty about.

I was on such a high for the first few weeks. The HG had gone and I felt invincible. Though physically I couldnt so was looking forward to being able to move about better. Now I can, he is more difficult.

Sorry, I typed that reply a while ago but didnt post it!

My DH is brilliant, has spent all day tellong me to lower my expectations and not to do any housework. He is really happy to cook dinner as well. So I am lucky on that front.

Its the guilt I feel that the HG meant I haven't done anything useful for bloody ages, and then had an elective c section (baby was breach) so didnt even labour. I dont feel like I've earnt the right to sit around. God I feel really awful actually.

If you can get a shower yourself and into cleanish clothes (or more pjs), set yourself up with some nice snacks and then park yourself in front of the tv then I would highly recommend that. I did that until at least 8 weeks with my first. As things get easier you can gradually add small other goals (leaving the house, doing a load of washing) but don't panic about those things now, just look after yourself and the baby.

Holly this is the really tough bit. You're exhausted from everything you've been through, for months and months, and your DS is at perhaps the hardest stage. It's really tough no matter which baby you're on but it's far worse with the first because it really feels as though it's going to last forever. It isn't. Babies change so quickly, by the time DS is 3 months things will be completely different. Stick with it, you are doing everything right (including making sure baby gets fed in the most efficient way for your circumstances).

There's a saying - when you have a newborn you can have any 2 of the following 3 things: 1) a well-cared-for baby, 2) your sanity, and 3) a clean and tidy house. Choose the first 2 - the house will still be fine in a few months when baby is out of the 4th trimester and you've had a chance to recover a bit

Cross post. If you've been feeling this crap about yourself for more than a few days perhaps go and talk to your GP about it. PND is really common and really treatable.

Thanks for all your kind comments. I think, on reflection from talking on here,I have some bigger issues. I really dont feel like I have the right to do what you are all sensibly suggesting as my entire pregnancy was spent doing nothing, then I had a c section so didnt labour and due to a number of factors I'm not even bfing anymore.

I dont know what the answer is, but at least I have indentified part of the problem I guess

Keep yourself and the small person alive and happy. That is all!! Hope you feel better soon

OP I think you have everything slated as either a success or a failure, so in your book: HG = failure, CS= failure, FF= failure. How about reframing some of this so that you can recognise the success in what you've done?

You've grown a baby, had a serious op, recovered well from the op and kept the baby alive, fed and beautifully cared for. You're doing an outstanding job of being a mum.

Be kind to yourself

Stop beating yourself up about the c section.

You had major surgery after a really hard pregnancy so you should be proud of yourself.

I had an em section with ds1 (now 12). Does he care? No.

I had a vbac with ds2 (now 11). Does he care? No.

Does anyone care? No.

In terms of what you should be achieving I would say feed baby, keep baby clean, feed yourself, sleep lots if you can.

Major surgery + new born baby = exhausting

This will get better, I promise.

I agree with others - a visit to the GP might be a good idea if your mood doesn't get a bit better soon.

I had (bad, but in no way HG) pregnancy sickness and I have nothing but awe and admiration for women who complete a pregnancy with HG. I could hardly do anything either and I didn't have your excuse!

You had a CS because it was safest for baby and you, and no one in their right mind would consider a major operation the 'easy' option. You have produced and are feeding a baby: that is exhausting and time consuming however you do it.

Make a GP appt, take your DH along with you and be really honest about how you're feeling. With a bit of help things can get better very quickly

Oh OP, imagine you went to.visit a good friend who had had a dreadful illness for 9 months which was cured but only by a fairly major and debilitating surgery a few weeks prior, and she then had to look after a brand new human being. Would you tell her she was a failure? No, you would tuck her under a blanket and crack open the chocolate hobnobs.

FWIW I smashed my leg up at 33 weeks, in hospital for 10 days, so my DH had to do everything including care for our DD, then I had an ELCS and my leg wounds got infected so he had to keep on doing everything for ages, so if you can be left alone with the baby you're doing better than me! It will get better soon but please see your GP or HV if you're struggling

You should be achieving:

An occasional bath/shower, when you can, as it'll make you feel better.

Ditto bed change and laundry - but if you can get someone else to do this, all the better.

You have just created a whole new human being out of your own body, safely delivered it, and it is still making demands on your physical body 5 weeks later. And you haven't had much sleep, I'll bet.

You should be achieving as much sleep as you can manage, baby cuddles when you can't because he's awake, and whatever helps you get through the day.

Never mind the house is a tip. You made a whole new human being!

Survival! Honestly some days that's all any of us could do.

My midwife said to me "No one ever died from missing out a bit of dusting." It helped me feel a lot less guilty in those early days

You have one job, darling. To keep your baby fed, cleanish and as happy as you can. That's it. If you've achieved that, you've done a very hard job well.
If you're looking for advanced credits, keeping yourself saneish (sub categories: hydrated, fed, napped and washed if you're feeling adventurous) will help you be a happier person and a better parent. But honestly, the first job is hard enough. It's 24 hours, disturbed sleep, high stakes, emotionally and physically crippling and with no breaks and no guarantee of food and water.
Any other profession, that sort of workload would be illegal. Expecting yourself to cook dinner on top of it is just daft.
Most other cultures, you would be expected to spend all day in bed while your female relations did the housework. Love your baby and be gentle to yourself.

If it helps, 18 months later I still have to rely on m&s ready meals a couple of days a week.

You're doing fine :)

Sitting on the couch with your baby. Maybe go out for a walk with a nice friend and baby. Put a wash on. Leave your DH to cook. Ignore any mess.

It gets better. It gets better. It gets better.

Right now, get through each day as best you can, and be honest and open with people - your dh, your family, your friends, your hv - about how you feel. Don't try and bottle everything up like I did because it will all come out eventually and bite you on the bum.

Honestly, I can't remember much detail from those early days now - it's a blur of exhaustion and sadness for me. But it gets better. I am living proof of this.

You are doing a great job.

The most important thing is your mental and physical health. The better you are, the better for the baby. House mess really doesn't matter

The hardest part of a first baby is the adjusting to the new life. Both in terms of what it is, and the gap between what it is and what you had expected it to be
(I naively commented while pregnant that I would paint skirting boards in our new house while the baby napped. We got a decorator in 2.5 years later)

What should you be doing? Whatever it takes to keep your baby fed and comfortable. I've a view about housework; if your child was with a full time nanny then you wouldn't want the nanny to do their house cleaning while watching their child. So why should you?
At 5 weeks I'd probably be;
Expecting my partner to take the baby downstairs on a morning so I could get an hours decent sleep. He'd ensure the kitchen was clean/sorted (or dishwasher empty, bins out etc) before he went to work. Baby and I would probably lie in bed for a while and doze/feed. Morning would be a blur of feeding, nappy changing, attempts to get both of us dressed aborted due to feeding or nappy changing. Maybe a sandwich for lunch. More feeding and nappy changing and sleeping from the baby. Perhaps a walk, or quick trip to the shop at some point. Normally to buy ready made pasta for dinner! Cluster feeding starting in the eve. Taking a break when husband gets home perhaps to change my clothes/shower/pick up mess from the day. More cluster feeding while trying to eat dinner and then bed with the baby. Repeat.

Things you MUST do:
Feed the baby
Change the baby
Feed yourself
Use the toilet at least three times a day

Things that are nice but not necessary:
Bath baby
Shower yourself
Clean clothes for both

Don't worry about anything else! Congratulations too xx

Get some tracksuit bottoms and flip flops on, and leave the house. Don't go so far that you have to take All The Stuff. Sit on a wall at the end of the road with your baby and think "I have sat here on so many occasions, feeling so many different ways. I WILL feel normal again, and it won't take long".

(Alternatively, wait till your DH gets home, and do the same without your baby for half an hour).