SAHPs. Do you think they are never considered ?

[todayisthedays]

So I'm a SAHM ( not by choice but because childcare would cost too much and would be pointless me paying just to work with very little left over to financially benefit us. I have no friends or family to help me with childcare and my husband shifts don't allow us to work around each other so I feel I just have to accept life for what it is.

I'm sick of having to be the one that stays at home just because I'm a woman. I won't get paid as much as my husband does now so we will lose massive amounts! The thing that gets me is the amount of allowances that can be made on the work place for woman but not for men who have SAH. I've seen it in my husbands work place. My husband has to work shifts based on the needs of the company and has to work every Monday and Wednesday without fail because of the things that need doing those days but others don't have the same demands and can have a 'say' whether they can work those days or not even tho they have the same job title. My husband said he works these days because otherwise things wouldn't get done properly so it's like he's the manager when he's not!

I'm the one left with no opportunities to go back to work. I absolutely hate being a SAHM. I love my kids but I hate it because I'm sick of being looked down on and seen as 'lazy' for staying at home. I hate the mundane life it brings where I have no social life, no career, no income of my own, no satisfaction that You get from a job. Because I'm seen as not being entitled to these things because I don't work whereas my husband works so he deserves to go out with his
Friends and to the gym because he works hard and earns the money.

Like as well, My husband booked his holidays off work with work in advance. He had booked a week off this Aug because it's the summer holidays but he had to change his week because a lady needed it off instead because of a last minute family holiday. So my husband swapped her Holiday week and I didn't even get a say in it! We didn't have any holiday planned ( as we can't afford one just yet) but it's not the point is it! Why should her needs some first because she works.. not as if she needed it off because of childcare issues is it, it was due to a holiday. My husband had his 'swapped' week off last week but it's not the point because now I have 3-4 weeks with the kids whilst he's working so not much of a break between the weeks now he's had to swap.

I don't know if I'm just feeling resentful and ranting about pointless stuff but I just feel so down and isolated. I don't regret having kids but I didn't have a support network had had shit parents so ended up in this path! I envy all those who had great parents and guided them i the right direction

Rant over

How old are your dc? How far off the 30 hours funding are you?

Is this him choosing to swap or someone in his work doing it for him?

I see men at my work with SAHP enjoying the travel, late nights, camaraderie of pulling long hours - not sure what story they are spinning to their partners but I certainly only work the hours in the office that I need

I think this mindset is (glacially) slowly changing

How little is the very little?
(Assuming you have done the maths)

And why does he get to go out if you don't?
You are partners in this, wage earners are not some level above with you as the domestic drudge...

Your post resonates so much!
But I want to say - you do work dammit, you work damn hard! So yes, you are absolutely deserving of respect, time off, nights out and all that! Your employed husband needs to think about the FACT that without your work (and the personal financial sacrifice this entails) your joint household would have to pay a childcare provider, who'd be entitled to pay, sick pay, paid holidays and would be a great deal less freaking accommodating of his shift pattern! In short, would he actually be able to do what he does work wise, without you there to do what you do unpaid??!
This attitude of mine is almost a word for word quote of what my DP said to me when I was having a low self esteem moment regarding being a SAHP! He recognised that without my backup his work life would be hell on wheels, what with having to rush around after DCs childcare etc on top of FT employment and that my financial contribution wouldn't (as yet with dc's being so dependent young) make it worth it in comparison to the stress. But that's just our family I guess?

I suppose it depends on your career choice. I earn more than my DP so he would have to be a SAHD. Your lack of income is down to your own career choices - why did you choose a career that paid so low?

Thanks for your responses

In regards to the Holiday change.. she asked him because she was going on about how it is the first family holiday in years and its the only chance they will get etc so he felt he couldn't say no but he already booked his holidays in advance so why should have have changed it. And I think as a SAHM I get no say in the change when we discuss his holiday planning together and then he gets guilt Tripped into changing it. If I went back to work childcare would cost too much so there would be no point me working. I also didn't choose a career bath that paid so low.. that's how life ended up.. not everyone is lucky it have great opportunities. I grew up in an alcoholic family so I didn't have as many opportunities that others have.

How old are your dc? Is there any budget for pre school to give you a break?

Steppingontoes where has op said she had a career that paid so low? You don't have to be in a low paid job to make working not worthwhile financially. My childcare and commuting costs are £2000 a month and I only have one child. So you'd need a £31k salary just to break even. Anyway do you think people on low incomes are just choosing to do that when there are loads of highly paid jobs readily open to them? What a stupid comment.

Op- your dp could not pursue his own career if you weren't at home doing what you're doing. You are both equally entitled to not only his salary but a break and some time out. If he doesn't see it as such then you have a problem with him.

Could it be worth getting back into work even if you are barely breaking even with childcare so that you are progressing your career prospects and doing something for yourself? It's only a short time before kids will get their free hours and then start school?

But you can retrain, there are lots of online courses that don't require you to attend a class all the time and then there are courses that help with childcare.

Opportunities are out there if you want them.

You are setting the bar so low for yourself and it would seem you have a DH who doesn't get what you do.

I have been a SAHM for 13 years, my youngest child is 11. I have an incredible Dh, his own Mother was a SAHM and he gets it because I have swanned off for weekends and he has had both the children. He knows that we are a team and without me he couldn't do the job and hours he does.

Your Dh does what he does because he can. Bottom line, if he had to be there to collect a child from childcare he would have to leave at a particular time/swap his shift. He relies on the fact that he can do what he wants when he wants because you are there.

I also came from a dysfunctional family and it is hard to break that cycle but myself and my sister both went to uni at 18 and got degrees. Because we wanted more from life than our parents had. Living in poverty still burns me with shame to this day and it wasn't my fault. But you can make steps to progress your career.

Don't get me wrong, I have been to collect to enquire about courses to better myself in the past but I was told that because my husband earned a wage I wasn't entitled to any help in regards to course costs and our budget wouldn't allow for it. They said even if I claimed benefits I wouldn't be able to claim for any help because of the amount of courses I would have to do to get up to the level I need. ( I wanted to do teacher training to be a teaching assistant at the time) but I needed to do my maths and science GCSE again ( I didn't get a C in school as I got d in them in school) so I feel like all the doors i try to open just get slammed in my face

College not collect

The DH work situation seems to be mainly your DH's fault. He is being too nice.

The real issue I think is that you want to work, have a career and have the stimulation of the work environment, but feel trapped because working would not be financially viable.

Does your DH think that you do nothing all day? Is his niceness making both of you doormats?

Could you resit the GCSEs at evening class? Or online? Evening class would get you out of the house and meeting adults.
Could you think of something that you could do without grade C GCSEs. Could you do an evening or weekend job that would bring in an extra few £ and you'd be with other people.
I know you already do a day's work looking after the DCs but it might just break the day up a bit.

Ask atheist library about the access courses - they give you the grades you need and it's quite simple

You can do on line TA courses and some colleges give grants up to 70% discount - you need to ask

Sounds like a DH problem.
Mine used to do things like that, I know how annoying it is. Have you told him how angry you are, how it makes you feel like you come last in his list of people to please? It is really inconsiderate of him to agree the change without consulting you, although I guess he probably thought that it wouldn't make much difference which week he had off.

As far as work is concerned, it might be worth accepting that you won't be financially better off at the moment if you find work, but you will be happier. The financial benefits will come later, once your DC are at school and once you can move up in whatever career you choose - it's a long term thing.

There's nothing that says that childcare costs are your sole responsibility, and I think it would make you feel more an equal partner if you were working.
As for studying and courses being beyond your budget, well maybe your budget requires an overhaul if it currently allows DH to go out with friends and to go to the gym but not for you to study. Maybe instead of him going out you could work a few evenings a week, or study.
And your feeling of not being entitled to the same rest/relaxation/share of family budget as DH is, well does that come from him?
It does sound like he's taking advantage of you unfairly.

You have a dh issue here

Disregarding his shifts, you could look for work which is Mon-Fri and book childcare for the days and times you are at work.

My Husbands attitude to going out with his friends and the gym he said ' just because you can't do these things doesn't mean I shouldn't'
I asked him to give up one night his gym this week and he said 'you won't make me give that up' do I feel powerless

Sounds more like a DH issue.

You are just as entitled to you time, to go out and have hobbies, as he is. Whether you earn a wage should be irrelevant - you are still working hard for your family and need a break.

Second, don't discount working even if the wages only just cover childcare. If it brings you satisfaction and enjoyment then it's worth it. Also, it shouldn't just be you and your wage that covers childcare. If you're both at work, you both need childcare, therefore you both pay.

I know it's easier said than done but you need to be really honest with your dh about how fed up you are. Ask him if he is really ok to carry on with you being so unhappy... he should want you to be happy!! You're his partner.

Todayisthedays, OP has anyone suggested the open university? They do all sorts of access courses not just degrees and their funding for courses is (in certain situations and certain access courses) free! Perhaps they might be worth looking at? My partner did an access course with them and it was free, I'm doing a degree (around children and work) and I have a part time tuition loan that isn't payable til I reach an earnings threshold of 21k. Good luck 🍀

You're husband sounds like an absolute arsehole. I can't believe men like this exist and think they can treat their partners so badly. It's disgusting.

The issue isn't being a SAHM. The issue is your DH.

I've been both but am currently a SAHM again.

My DH encourages me to pursue hobbies, join a gym, meet up with friends.

He would never swap out holiday time or reorganise working hours without clearing it through me first.

You need to talk all this through with your DH.

Echoing everyone else - your DH is the problem.

As others have no doubt said, this is not a general issue about SAHP not being considered and everything to do with your partner not treating you with the respect an equal partner deserves.

I never understand the sentiment when someone says they will be bringing in so little money, it isn't worth it. What about the respect? The challenge, the pension contributions, etc. Ur children won't be little forever, and then you will have more money as they will get funding.

The open university is a great way to start forms of training, they have free access courses, or you can take student loans out to pay for courses which you pay back when you earn over 21k.

Just tying this together with the version of the thread in the SAHP topic

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sahp/3003524-do-you-think-sahps-are-always-forgotten-about?

I love my kids but I hate it because I'm sick of being looked down on and seen as 'lazy' for staying at home. I hate the mundane life it brings where I have no social life, no career, no income of my own, no satisfaction that You get from a job. Because I'm seen as not being entitled to these things because I don't work

I feel like this too. Not so much anyone is looking down on me but my daily achievements are trivial to the world. I work so hard during the day to nurture two children and manage all the household stuff but it's not seen as work or achievements.

but because childcare would cost too much and would be pointless me paying just to work with very little left over to financially benefit us. I have no friends or family to help me with childcare

I am going back to work despite this. I'll be left with about £30 a week from my salary after childcare (no family can help) but it's more for my own mental health at this stage.

I adore my children and I feel i'll be a much better mother during my "mum days" because I'll feel more confident and fulfilled from working. That's the plan - I may end up a knackered, regretful, broken wreck.