Please help me deal with toddler meltdowns :(

[SleepForTheWeek]

When DD1 (2.10) isn't having a meltdown she is such a lovely girl.very affectionate and kind, she's witty and a pleasure to have as company.

BUT - these meltdowns are breaking me! I know a lot is 'terrible twos' but I need to know how to deal with them as they are really getting extreme.

She has a baby sister who is 7 weeks old, she adores her but obviously life has changed which I think is fuelling this behaviour.

It's worse in the morning and before bed, but can happen anytime during the day.

Literally anything can set one off. The other day it was because I wasn't playing her game the way she wanted me to. It can be about putting pyjamas on, going somewhere she doesn't want to, coming away from somewhere, not wanting to go downstairs etc etc - and most frustratingly when I'm feeding DD2

She's started high pitched screaming and hitting, and hitting really hard. She can scream like this for up to 90mins. She'll shout 'I don't like you!' 'Bad mummy!' And the likes. It's really really getting to me because she is normally such a lovely girl it's like Jekyll and Hyde!

I try to be calm in my approach. I tell her that her behaviour is wrong without raising my voice (although I have lost my shit a couple of times with her!). I know she wants me to explode because she'll shout 'get angry at me mummy! Stop being nice!'

I'll give her a consequence of her actions, e.g. If you don't stop shouting then you won't get to watch my phone all day. I follow through with these actions - it can be a cancelled play date or removal of her favourite toy. When she's really bad and getting more hysterical I will take her to her room and close the door and tell her I'll be back in 2 mins if she's calm. I'll go in and offer her a cuddle, talk about what she did that made me angry and tell her she needs to say sorry. If she isn't calming down and the behaviour persists I'll close the door and wait another couple minutes.

Is there anything else I can do or try?? I'm thinking of making a 'house rules' poster with her then having a jar to put marbles for good behaviour (or take away if house rules are broken) then when jar is full she can get a treat.

She usually goes to bed fine, me or DH take turns and stay with her till she falls asleep. She's usually asleep 7.30/8, she'll come through to us at some point in the night but settles back to sleep ok, then up between 7/8.

It sounds as though this is relevant to the new baby. Her whole life has changed and she's having to share you. I'm not sure punishment will help - if try love bombing or similar as she's likely feeling very insecure

It started a few months ago but has definitely got worse since DD2 arrived.

We are a very affectionate family, we cuddle lots and I'm always telling her how much I love her and when she is being good I always recognise it and praise her.

Thing is, I can't sit there and be hit and kicked by her. She needs to know that behaviour is wrong and that there will be consequences. This morning she hit me while I was feeding DD2 and it clipped her sisters head

Once she is calm and has apologised, we'll draw a line under it but the consequence will be seen through. Tbf she is always accepting of it

She's too young for marbles. She needs immediate consequences. Loosing the phone for a day is just punishing you both tbh.

I'd find a safe space or even better room that she can be put in to calm down immediately.

Don't do consequences. She is too little to fully understand. What helped me apart from reading every parenting book going was learning that the Danish call the years 2-4 the boundary years. It is their job to test where boundaries are and keep testing them to see if they can be moved. The toddler calm book is also good for explaining that their wee brains aren't fully developed and they get overwhelmed with feelings and have to get them out and the crying and screaming helps release them. Put into words for her: you feel xxxx because xxxx. Mummy understands. You let those sad/angry/disappointed feelings out and Mummy is here with you. Cuddle? ( put your arms out for a cuddle even if it seems they hate you and you will be surprised at how often they want one) If she is hitting say: It's OK to feel angry but it's not OK to hit Mummy because it hurts me and makes me feel sad inside. Try saying the above in this situation too. You can always give them an extra tight hug if they are out of control so it's like a loving restraint: Mummy will hold you and help you with your feelings.

It sounds like she needs extra love and attention since the new baby arrived. It's understandable. Keep reminding yourself: it's not naughty. She is trying to tell you something with her behaviour and it's that she wants your attention and time.

The naughty step is working in our house! We give our 2.5 yr old three chances to do what we've asked or stop doing something, then count to five and then the naughty step. He hates being excluded from us/me and cries but will generally then come and say sorry and have a cuddle. I know he cant understand the concept of sorry at his age but I think its something he needs to learn. He also hits occasionally and I say "You do not hit Mummy/Daddy it is not nice." This morning he had a melt down because I tuned the I pad off. I said Don't shout at Mummy.If you continue I will turn off the tv and you can have nothing. Its trial and error I think!!!

Read "how to talk so little kids will listen". It's great. It's really helping me with my (immature) nearly 4 year old.

Baby feeding times 'special events'..
Colouring book /sticker book /snacks /dvd time. . Encourage her to cuddle up with you both on the sofa. ..
Make sure she knows when baby is asleep that's an opportunity for her to have 1-1 time with you - stops deliberately shouting and risk waking the baby!

I do most of what you suggest fox, validate her feelings and say it's ok to feel angry but not ok to hit etc but when she's just standing screaming at the top of her lungs I'm as well promising her a rainbow coloured unicorn for all she'd listen. If I try and cuddle her before she's ready I just get hit /slapped/kicked.

That's a good idea Mrs but DD2 can feed several times in a short space of time so the novelty of what's in the box quickly wears off. She also only naps for very short periods so I don't feel we get the chance for as much 1:1 as we would both like - but I do try.

I've thought about the naughty step cutes although prob wouldn't call it that as as a pp said she's not trying to be naughty. Maybe time out zone?

I'm finding this app very overwhelming and stressful - I feel so guilty for DD1 for not spending as much quality time with her and I feel guilty about DD2 having to listen to all the screaming and being left to cry while I try sort out DD1 :(

Sounds like shes feeling angry that she needs to share now, which is understandable when youre that little!
Does she have a big pillow/cushion that she can punch and kick to get some of the feelings out in an allowed way?

That's a good idea storm I could try the pillow idea. Although, if I suggest she does it she'll no doubt refuse!

3 day nanny on ch 4 has a shouting corner. Biting and hitting is zero tolerance. You explain the new regime before you start it.

We had a 80min episode this evening which was sparked with her bath (which she usually loves).

I need to know what the right thing to do is, I feel like I'm failing and letting her down.

Once she's in full tantrum mode, she may well not be able to stop - so saying 'be quiet or I'll take your bike away' won't help, as she simply can't stop screaming - that's what it felt like with DD anyway.

I used to ignore as much as possible, then cuddle when it was all over. But that only works if your DD isn't hitting etc. Not sure I have much wisdom to help with that.

I'm really really at breaking point. I'm thinking there must be something wrong with her!! She woke up this morning all smiles and sweetness (in our bed). I was holding her wee sister and she was cuddling her, telling her what a lovely baby she was etc. Her dad suggested he go downstairs with them both and I would join them after a bit more sleep.

That was 40 mins ago and she's still screaming her head off. She was hitting and kicking her dad in the face so he's taken the baby downstairs. I've had to close the door on her as she's hitting so hard. I'm going in every couple mins to try reason with her but if anything it just makes her angrier when I'm there.

What the hell can I do?! Life is utterly miserable with her like this. I'm worried I'm going to snap.

She had 12 hours sleep last night

She won't be able to see reason while she's full of emotion. Can you get her in a huge cuddle that pins her arms? Help her calm down?

I've tried that but she just escapes and starts hitting again :(

Try empathy.

She's too you go for those kind of punishment and had a new baby to deal with!
Distraction, ignoring the screaming and having 1-1 time without baby are all worth trying.

Well leave her screaming upstairs until she's calmed down then give her a big hug.

Can you predict when she will get upset? You can probably head off some of these tantrums by being very loving and attentative when she shows the initial signs of feeling wobbly.

Also try reading her books when breast feeding

We try distraction but once she's let out that first scream it's a downwards spiral. I try ignore as much as possible, but when she's physically assaulting us we can't exactly just sit there and take it. We don't shout, we remain calm, we explain things to her. We make a conscious effort to spend time with just her, MiL comes round almost every days so that she gets that 1:1 time.

I've tried so hard to do things right, but it's just making it worse.

I eventually locked myself in the bathroom to calm down. She panicked when she couldn't find me so when I came out she accepted a hug. I explained why I was angry, and she apologised to me and her dad.

We've drawn a line under it and are getting ready to go swimming now. Let's hope nothing sets her off there.

Unfortunately this is why people mean by terrible 2s I afraid. Does she go to nursery?

Things that helped here-
Stop talking about your/the baby with toddler- only refer to baby as her wee sister.
Have you explained to toddler (again & again) how special she is, thay she is the only her & how people get a whole new well of love for each person the love. She can love both Mummy and daddy etc
Have you told her it's ok to be cross that her sister is here & that she can tell you that? Even play it out with a doll.

The new wife analogy is worth thinking about to help you keep shoving tonnes & tonnes of reassurance at her.

it's tough but it will get better until she hits 4

m.huffpost.com/uk/entry/10531422