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Original poster

Splitting up with hubby - who gets son?

46 replies

SallyAlabaster · 09/08/2017 12:52

After 20 years, the hubby and I are calling it a day. Do I force my 13 yo to relocate with me from Shropshire to Lancashire, or do I give him the choice of which parent he wants to live with?

Either way it'll break his heart and the thought of that breaks mine.

OP posts:
SasBel · 09/08/2017 12:54

Sounds awful, I have no experience of this, hopefully someone more knowledgeable will be along.

I should think that you ask him and he chooses.

Mrscropley · 09/08/2017 12:55

I would think whoever is prepared to give the best day to day care of your ds is where he should live.

XJerseyGirlX · 09/08/2017 12:56

I would give him the choice TBH, he is 13. Ripping him away from his friends at that age aswell as you and his dad splitting is a lot for a 13 year old to deal with. My mum moved when I was 16, didn't give me the choice. I ran away and have never been back to live there (we are In contact now). Plus im pretty sure now at that age he has the legal right to choose who he lives with.

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Holidayhooray · 09/08/2017 12:56

Sally, why do you have to move?
Seriously. Your his parent. His mother. Even if he lives with his father, you should be close

rightwhine · 09/08/2017 12:56

At 13 he needs, input I think.

XJerseyGirlX · 09/08/2017 12:57

Why do you have to move?

SkyWalker95 · 09/08/2017 12:58

At 13 he's legally allowed to choose where he lives

Mrscropley · 09/08/2017 12:59

At 13 even with shared care my ds started staying more with df as he was flash with the cash and no boundaries etc. . Roll on a few months and ds is full time with me and nc with df. ..
He announced he needed proper parenting and a decent home life. Neither were provided by df. .
So discuss the various scenarios of both lives, don't give him the ultimate say as he may have guilt towards the other parent.

Alittlepotofrosie · 09/08/2017 13:01

I don't think he should be asked to make that choice and imo you should stay close to where he lives now.

Holidayhooray · 09/08/2017 13:01

I agree with mrscrop

Do not give a 13 year old ultimate choice.

But absolutely discuss with him

Original poster
SallyAlabaster · 09/08/2017 13:06

I'm moving for work... Its an awesome opportunity that I just couldn't turn down. It's the straw that broke the camel's back with dh. After years of following him around the country so he can pursue his career goals, he won't do the same for me. So now we are where we are.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 09/08/2017 13:07

I think it's a lot for a 13 year old to deal with, a marriage break up and moving from his school and friends. Do you have to move?

Holidayhooray · 09/08/2017 13:08

Sally - you are on a very very different page to myself and indeed I reckon most mothers. There is not even the slightest chance I would move away from my child if he/she wasn't living with me. Not. A. Chance. In. Hell.

So I'll bow out as no advice.

NerrSnerr · 09/08/2017 13:08

Cross posts. I would give your son the choice.

3luckystars · 09/08/2017 13:09

There is no job on earth worth that.

BuzzKillington · 09/08/2017 13:13

I think it would be a terrible thing for your son who is at a tricky age and having to cope with his parents separating. I don't know how you could countenance moving away from him on top of this.

CiderwithBuda · 09/08/2017 13:15

I think you will regret moving for the job hugely. Sorry if it's not what you want to hear.

We are still dealing with fallout from a family move when DS was 10. We all moved together. He is now 16 and we've known he wasn't happy for a while. He is now seeing a psychologist and a lot of the issues now are related to the move and his lack of control of things since.

I dread to think what would have ensued if DH and I had split at the same time and one of us moved away. Essentially putting ourselves before him.

Alittlepotofrosie · 09/08/2017 13:19

Your child is more important than a job.

Original poster
SallyAlabaster · 09/08/2017 13:20

With all my heart I obviously want him with me, but as some of you have said, he's at an age where he's old enough to make his own choices. I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.

OP posts:
Talith · 09/08/2017 13:20

Is it not an option to split but stay in the same area? It means in the future when your son is older you can pursue opportunities which you can't at the moment. Uprooting him from friends school and his father isn't going to be easy for him. And do you really want the job sufficiently to leave him with his father? I can see you must be pissed off with your husband but don't punish your child for it.

RhubardGin · 09/08/2017 13:22

I think your DS should decide.

To take him away from his home, school and friends on top of his parents getting divorced sounds too much for a young boy to deal with.

I think it's great that you are following your dream OP but you have to do what's best for your son.

If he wants to stay, what will you do?

Lweji · 09/08/2017 13:22

I agree that he should have some say in it, but he shouldn't feel like he has to choose between the two parents.

As much as possible, you should evaluate what is best for him. Not who "gets him".

Does your ex even want residency?

RhubardGin · 09/08/2017 13:23

Your child is more important than a job

Agree with this completely.

If you leave and your DS stays behind he will feel completely abandoned OP.

RhubardGin · 09/08/2017 13:27

And also can I say your wording is really off and you sound quite emotionless about the whole thing.

Nobody "gets" your son, he isn't a possession OP.

You need to sit down with your family and discuss this.

Cailleach666 · 09/08/2017 13:30

Sorry but I agree with others- not a chance I would move out and away from my 13 year old son.