Page 2 | Splitting up with hubby - who gets son?

SallyAlabaster · 2017-08-09T11:52:35+00:00

After 20 years, the hubby and I are calling it a day. Do I force my 13 yo to relocate with me from Shropshire to Lancashire, or do I give him the choice of which parent he wants to live with? Either way it'll break his heart and the thought of that breaks mine.

Bemusedandpuzzled · 09/08/2017 13:30

I can't for the life of me see how the location is more your responsibility than your DH's. It sounds as though you've already taken a massive hit career-wise due to following your partner, and that it's now his turn - and he's not playing ball. It's all very well people saying that you shouldn't force a choice - but isn't that as much your DH's responsibility as yours?

PinkHeart5911 · 09/08/2017 13:31

I think the most important thing here is to make the child feel like they are Important and have a voice.

You and your dh are going to have to down with the child and discuss it all and see what the 13 year old thinks is best for him and go from there.

Nobody "gets" the child. He is a person not a thing someone "gets"

I would also say make sure you are 100% about this job before you do anything. To leave a child for a job is a huge thing and something a 13 year old will definitely remember

YetAnotherSpartacus · 09/08/2017 13:31

Wow ... Are men given the same advice? How many women and children follow men for jobs?

notquitegrownup2 · 09/08/2017 13:32

Shropshire to Lancashire is not that far, especially if you live south of your work and accept a bit of a commute. You are not moving to the other side of the country.

As I read it your marriage is ending, you have a job which you are excited about. It's not ideal to move an hour away, but then neither is living with 2 unhappy parents.

Talk to your son, but think first about where you are going to live. Can it be on a train line, to allow him to move independently/see friends at home/visit you?

Original poster

SallyAlabaster · 09/08/2017 13:32

Ex wants residency as much as I do. I agree that no job is more important than my child but as it stands my current employer won't let me retract my notice and the jobs market locally is in the bin... I can't afford to live without working so, putting the fact that it's my dream job aside, I have to carry on with what's on the table.

If ds decides to stay with dh, then I'd split my week so I could spend at least half of it with him as I get weekly working from home days with the new job.

OP posts:

user1495451339 · 09/08/2017 13:36

Sounds like your son is the last person you thought of when taking this dream job.

You need to talk to your son. I wouldn't take the job unless my son was happy to move with me.

Bemusedandpuzzled · 09/08/2017 13:36

Sounds like a smart plan sally! Good luck to you in the new place and job.

Fabulousdahlink · 09/08/2017 13:38

If living with both / either of you is not possible..is there another family member he is close to?...or even - gulp- here goes- boarding at school where he is, so HIS life can have some continuity despite the big change for the adults? Change is coming in his life which he has no control over- if he can be consulted and listened to with all the options on the table- he might just cope. Telling him that if it does not work, you can explore something else. Remind him you have moved many times around Dad's work and this is similar- tell him you want his imput- but ultimately you and his dad will decide- that way he feels adult enough to deal with this, but safe enough knowing his parents were still in charge ( 13 is a tricky age)
Get your son involved in the conversation- see what he can come up with...and the rest you will have to sort out.
My friend moved in with us whilst she did her GCSE's, then went off to college so the problems at home were pretty much bypassed as we still went to school together etc. She still saw Dad, but only on occasions on her terms and she survived the whole thing.
Good Luck !

TwitterQueen1 · 09/08/2017 13:42

Who 'gets' your son??? What a horrible attitude. Along with 'forcing' him to relocate.

How about you all sit down together and work out what everyone wants and how you can achieve that with minimum stress and disruption for your son?

rightwhine · 09/08/2017 13:43

How will that work realistically? will Dh be happy for you to pop back for half the week?

theboud · 09/08/2017 13:43

So you've accepted a job in a totally different location without the support of your DH or DS and are now going to ask DS to choose who he lives with?

I have to disagree with a previous poster - if a man came on here and announced that's what he'd done he'd get his arse handed to him.

Your DH's lack of support for your career is terrible and I'm not surprised you're ending your marriage because of it but your DS is going to get caught in the cross fire.

Writerwannabe83 · 09/08/2017 13:45

You mentioned you would split your timebetween your new job and DS so how would that work? Would you plan on having two places to live, one near your Ex and DS and one near your job?

It's a really difficult situation because if a father was moving an hour away from his child for a job I doubt many would bat an eyelid but suddenly when a mother is thinking of doing the same everyone explodes.

When you applied for this job and knew it meant you'd have to move away was your DH originally on board and has now changed his mind? Or did he say he wouldn't be prepared to move and you just applied anyway knowing it would mean the break-up of your family?

I agree with the majority that at the age of 13 your son needs to be part of the discussions.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 09/08/2017 13:46

I appreciate your DH seems to have been an arse in not supporting you, but I am shocked that you accepted a job and handed in your notice without working out what the future meant for your son. Really shocked.

I wish you luck and I feel for your son - I hope he doesn't get too hurt in this.

Coconutspongexo · 09/08/2017 13:48

_ ds decides to stay with dh, then I'd split my week so I could spend at least half of it with him as I get weekly working from home days with the new job

I can't see how this would work?

timeisnotaline · 09/08/2017 13:52

It's a difficult decision obviously but op has put her son and family first for a long time - it seems very rough and unfair that people seem to think she can't take this job. Moving is not the end of the world for a 13 year old but you probably have to consult him. And work very hard to stay in loving contact if he stays.

Original poster

SallyAlabaster · 09/08/2017 14:03

@writerwannabe83 you got it spot on. DH was all supportive, he even submitted the application for me. It's only as I'm working through my notice period and things are looking real that he's changed his mind.

DS has also been totally on board and is up for a relocation. The issue is how to deal with the relationship split at the same time - I don't want him to resent me or his dad for making the choice for him, but at the same time I don't want to put him into what is essentially something that no child should have to go through and choose between his parents.

OP posts:

rightwhine · 09/08/2017 14:10

Ah well if originally the whole family were moving then yes, you and Ds should still go. It's DH who has moved the goal posts.

Bemusedandpuzzled · 09/08/2017 14:16

I think there are two separate issues here

your work situation and potential relocation; and
your marriage.

I appreciate that your DH's attitude may well have affected your marriage, but common sense says it's highly unlikely that this is a perfect relationship where someone just had a wobble, and suddenly it's over. In these cases there is usually a list of reasons as long as your arm. Therefore, if you were just splitting locally, there would be decisions to be made about joint custody and how you manage this. Presumably, since you've not said anything about your partner being in any way an unfit father, your DS would stay part of the week with each of you anyway? In which case, the distance is just a feature that makes the organisation of this a bit more tricky (but by no means an insurmountable one). Much depends on what your DS wants to do in the situation going forward.

Bemusedandpuzzled · 09/08/2017 14:17

Sorry, that should say "I appreciate that your DH's attitude to your job/relocation may well have affected your marriage"

Lweji · 09/08/2017 14:56

DS has also been totally on board and is up for a relocation. The issue is how to deal with the relationship split at the same time - I don't want him to resent me or his dad for making the choice for him, but at the same time I don't want to put him into what is essentially something that no child should have to go through and choose between his parents.

In view of this, the main problem is if your OH decides to fight for residency.

The best way may be for both of you to talk to him and present him with a choice with where to live, but making it very clear that you both know he's not choosing between parents and that both of you will be happy with his decision either way. It shouldn't have to be final, and he should know that he could change his mind at any time.

BTW, I don't criticise you AT ALL for wanting a new job, or to move, even if it means not living in the same town as your son.
You can still maintain a great relationship.

He's 13 and at an age when they start growing more distant from their parents. He should know you're there for him regardless and that he can count on your support any time.
But he doesn't need constant supervision or input from a parent.

Do you think your ex and you will be able to make a decision without a fight?
If so, I'd present it to your DS as what you think is best, then ask him if he has any objections, or would rather do it differently.

RaspberryBeret34 · 09/08/2017 15:22

I think I'd do one of 2 things (money allowing):

If you and your H are definitey separating, then give your DS the choice. If he decides to stay in Shropshire then rent/buy a place nearby and have 50% residence of your son and work from home those days. For the time you need to be in Lancashire, lodge/rent a room (or commute? I'm not sure of the distances involved!).

If there is any room to work things out with your H (might he change his mind and move too?), then you could explain to DS the situation - something like his Dad needs some time to get his head around the move so you'll be living apart for a bit but hope to work it out. You and DS move to Lancashire and you visit H or he visits you at weekends.

Either way, I'd try and work out 50% residency minimum then there is no "choosing" needed for your son (which I'd imagine would be really really hard for him). And I'd say the same if you were a man.

Splitting up with hubby - who gets son?

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