Grandparents abroad - how often do you see them?

[SeriyaDL]

So I've had an interesting conversation with my mum tonight. For background, mum lives in Germany, I have been in the UK ever since I left home and been here now 20+ years.

Over all those years, I've always been home for a week or so every year and taken DD with. DD (now 10) usually then stays on for a fortnight after I've gone back home, and mum then drops her back to the UK and stays for anywhere up to a week.

This arrangement has worked well ( or so I thought) for quite a few years but today I'm finding that my mum is very envious of grandparents who live near their families and very much resents the fact I moved away.

she speaks in glowing tones of acquaintances of hers whose kids and grandkids are also abroad but who go to see them at least a month at a time.

Truth be told I'm not sue me (or husband!) could cope but that's by the by..

.I'm just curious how much time others in a similar set up get to see the grandparents and also how this has affected the relationship with the grandchildren? (The ties between my mum and DD are, sadly, pretty weak).

I should also probably mention I'm an only child and she was widowed 2 years ago so she is a bit short on family nearby, apart from her brother.

One dgc is 5000 miles away with big time difference. We visit once every two years for two weeks. We face time about once every six weeks for an hour.

I'm only child in my family. DS is their only DGC
They miss him very much, I mean my parents. Visited us last year for couple of weeks.

They also need visas and my mum is looking after our bedridden grandma (her mum) so it's quite hard for them to visit us.

We have Skype 4-5 times a week, as me and my mum are quite close.

I'm in Australia and my parents are in the UK. Mum flies out every year for a month and we talk on the phone at least once a week.

We haven't seen my dad in almost 5 years (he's got back problems and can't comfortably fly) but mum keeps him up to date with what we're up to and we send them lots of photos so they don't miss out too much.

We haven't been back to the UK since we emigrated in 2009 and I doubt that will change in the near future.

I do want to see my dad one last time though, he's coming up 80 so we're all very aware time is running out.

We emigrated to Canada from the UK when our children were 6/8. We see my mum roughly every year for a week or so (variable arrangements, sometimes just me, me and a child, child on their own or mum visiting us here) and I speak to her every week on the phone (children talk much less often). We've seen dh's dad twice I think (in eight years) dh talks to him very rarely, and the children less.

I regret that my children don't have the close connections with their cousins that I had. They get on quite well with my mum but aren't really close. I'm not sure how close they'd be if we had stayed though, my mum isn't great with teenagers.

We're also in Canada but we've only been here a year. My children are 13 and 9.

My dad came out for Christmas and he's coming again in a week. He's here for a fortnight each time. MIL and her DH (FIL3 lol) are coming for a few days (sore point - she didn't think her holiday plans through) the week after my dad comes home.

We've not been home yet. I think my dad will probably come once or twice a year going forward. I speak to him most weeks and text/facebok message him a lot.

I can't see DH's dad (FIL1) visiting but I could be wrong.

He's thinking about asking his Stepdad (MIL's ex, complex family) about coming out for Christmas 2018 (already asked his mum and my dad about it, they all get on ok). I do get on very well with my FIL2 but he can be a cantankerous ol' boot and I'm not sure I could cope with him for 2 weeks over Christmas.

I don't think we'll be home for a few years as we just don't have a flight fund for 4 yet.

The kids love all their grandparents but they do particularly adore my dad. They miss him but he always has a knack of making them feel happy when they call him.

My parents live in Latin America and we try to visit every year for three weeks or so. They came over once since DD was born (she's 8) but even though they're not really elderly (early 60s), my dad broke his back a few years ago and the flight is difficult for him.

DD is very very close to them. She skypes them several times a week and messages in between - sends photos etc. They are her sole incentive to speak my mother language - my siblings and most cousins speak some degree of English, but she tries very hard to keep improving her other language, including writing and reading - mostly for messaging purposes.

I wish we could afford to see them more often, but I've told DD that when she's older, she can go by herself, then she can go a couple of times a year if she wants to.

My inlaws live in Ireland and we can't fly due to dc's health issues - my mil has been over 2/3 times in 4 years and only once since dc2 was born. My fil has come over once for a 24 hour visit. They refuse to Skype - needless to say they aren't close!!

We Skype a couple of times a week, visit there twice a year and they come here twice a year, for about a week each time. When older DS will have to go there for some of the school holidays.

Your mom is only in Germany she could easily visit you more often, flights are cheap and you can drive / catch a bus too. My dad is on the other side of the world and has rarely seen his grand kids, 4 year old once and 6 year old twice. Money is tight on both sides (flights alone for us to go see him are over 3K). If your mom wants to see the kids ore she should come see them more.

I agree with Fatguy, from your post OP it sounds like your Mum has you & your DD with her for up to a month each year, either in Germany or with you in UK - maybe if she wants to see you & DD more often she may need to bite the (proverbial) bullet & travel herself to see you. Is there another reason she isnt keen to travel since being widowed, or have I missed a point there

I live overseas and go back to the UK see my Dad and brothers every summer and every other Christmas. We talk on the phone occasionally but not much. DD has a good relationship with my Dad when we are there though.

Her Dad lives in a third country. She has met his Mum about a dozen times, she is 10. I leave it up to him to facilitate that relationship. When DD was born we are in his country, his Mum made no effort to meet DD until we took her when she was 8 months. She had been in the town we were in a few times and made no effort.

Sadly my Mum and ex's Dad have died so she only has two grandparents.

My parents in law live in Germany. We visit once /twice a year and they visit once/twice per year. It's usually for one or two weeks at time. Unfortunately they are not near an airport and public transport doesn't exist locally, we have found driving the best option though it's a 12 hour journey. Perhaps just extend an open invite for more frequent visits in the uk, more frequent visits are probably better than longer visits.

We live in Canada now but lived in the UK for 12 years. We'd typically see my parents probably 3-4 times a year, both here and there. We've been in Canada a year. DH's parents have come over once and will come again when DC2 arrives. Then we'll go to the UK next summer. So twice a year at least. I realise this is much more than most families abroad but it's a priority for us. TBH if home were as close as the UK to Germany it would be much more often.

We live the same sort of distances as you, not the other side of the world like others. We've not been back in 5 years because we simply can't afford the trip plus hotel We see grandparents for one week a year when they come over. After 24 hours they are complaining that the children are too noisy and they ignore DS over DD. We Skype occasionally, once every two weeks or so but they rarely call us, it's all from our side. DC's don't really realise yet how uninterested in them they are. They have my (golden) sibling's children close by and my mum is always doing stuff for them. When they are here, they talk endlessly about the gifts they've given the other children so then we have 6 months of "why can't I have X? Can we buy X?" after they've left.
We see MIL once a week, (only grandchildren) and she's lovely.

Part the issue is that my mum and husnand don't get on and she's not very close with DD either. On top of that for the past few years we've had my MIL staying with us while we were clearing and selling her house so it was tricky to accommodate additional visitors. I agree though I think we'll need to invite her over more often. Worst case DH arranges to be on a business trip for part the time LOL!

I was mostly curious whether her underlying assumption that other people in her situation see their family abroad more often really holds, from what I'm reading that's certainly not the case for people with far-flung families but even for those within reasonably easy travelling distance such as us were not that unusual.

(We usually Skype once every ten days on average, for an hour at a time, so it's not like she never hears from me inbetween :D)

Dh is an only child. His dad lives in the USA. He used to come to the UK every 18 months but stopped once he turned 80. We went thrte every 3 yeara. We last went there 4 years ago - the flights alone in the summer holidays were over £3, then there's car hire, hotels etc. My DiL lives a long way from civilisation son the kids got really bored.

It's made more difficult by the fact hat FIL doesn't have a computer/Wi-Fi so no possibility of Skype etc. And he's very deaf so phone calls are a nightmare.

Dh and Ds1 are going over in the autumn for a week. Dh is resentful about having to spend the money and annual leave visiting g his dad - there's a long history behind that. His dad chose to move to the US when I was pregnant with DS2. I think if we'd been the ones to move country then we'd have felt obliged to visit more often than we do.

DH's parents live in Spain. We go over there for 2 weeks every year, they come over here maybe 3/4 long weekends per year.

PIL live in Ireland and won't visit us (UK). They visited when DD was born and for her first birthday (very reluctantly). They just will not come now but go elsewhere on holidays. They don't cope well with situations where they aren't in charge/control and I suspect that is the main reason they won't come here.

DH is putting his foot down and we are currently at a stalemate where they won't visit here and we won't go there. None of his siblings will visit either. We try to Skype but DD doesn't know them and is too young to form a relationship with them on Skype alone.

I find it sad for her, as I had a really wonderful relationship with my grandparents. But also a bit relieved as being there is very difficult.

Similar set up to yours, we go back 3 times a year for a week or so (Christmas, Easter and a week or 10 days in the summer hols).

My parents visit me once a year, though this may come to an end as they are getting older, and air travel is getting worse (queues).

My MIL died a couple of years ago now,, but while she was alive, we used to visit with dd about once a year for 2-3 weeks. DH occasionally visited by himself in addition to this. We'd have gone much more often if we could, but visiting required a long haul flight and a long car journey, not to mention a significant amount of money! Unfortunately, MIL was unable to travel herself and skype/phone contact was difficult. She adored dd, but sadly, they weren't close. I know my dh regrets that.

With my own parents, it's different. We chose to move back to the UK from a third country before having dd as I wanted to be closer to my mum and dad after living thousands of miles away for nearly a decade. For the first few years, we lived a couple of hours away from them and saw them every six weeks or so. Then they moved to be closer to us, and they now live just up the road. DD sees them 2-3 times a week and they have the most amazing relationship. I wouldn't change it for the world - we have had exciting opportunities to move abroad again, but for me, that bond between dd and her grandparents is priceless.

I think if my parents were living in another European country, I'd try to visit more than once a year if I could, and I'd hope that they could travel the other way too. I didn't have the close bond with my grandparents that dd has because we just didn't see them enough. Now, I wish I'd had the opportunity to know them better.

I'm in HK. Parents in UK. We've lived outside UK for 9 years and DC were born here.

My DC (7&5) are my parents' only GC but DH's parents have 2 others.

I go back every summer for 5 weeks (2 near DH's parents, 3 near mine). I'm lucky that I can work from our London office which gives me longer. I'm also on a 70% contract but am allowed to compress so get a lot of extra holiday.

My mum usually comes out for a week in March and we go back every other Christmas.

We whatsapp a lot, and talk/face time every few weeks. Kids are getting better at having phone conversations

We're lucky. My parents are in the UK, while we live in Italy. Since the birth of DS we've only been over a couple of times but they helped us buy a bigger house with self-contained accommodation for them which means that they come over here multiple times a year but have their own space (seriously reduces the strain of having house guests). We also Skype daily. DS is much closer to them and spends a lot more time with them than his Italian grandparents who only live 30 minutes away.

We can't really afford to go over more than once a year as a family of 4 with 2 pre schoolers. They have much kore disposable income than us (and much more free time as retired) so they come here more often.

Also, in our scenario they're the ones who chose to move abroad when I was pregnant with DD1 so I generally think the onus is on them to visit us!

My elderly parents live 4500 miles away. They try to come once a year. typically for 3-7 days. They also phone about once a month.

I go there with 1 or more kids about once every 18 months. They can't host all of us & they don't like one of my kids, so try not to go for long.