Worried that child will not speak my language as first language

[tilda0]

I am pregnant with my first baby. I live abroad in my husbands country. I speak French, he speaks Swedish and we speak English together.
It makes me worried and sometimes angry that our kid will speak Swedish as a first language. I can't quite accept that. Sometimes I plan to leave before the child actually speaks properly.
I wonder if the best option to overcome my fears is to plan preschool, school and activities in French. I guess it's only way to have almost equal level in both languages.
I personnaly struggle with Swedish as my motivation to speak to locals is pretty low--they don't like chit chats, it's very limited.

Happy to get tips from you if you have dealt with a similar situation

Surely you don't have to use Swedish when you are talking to your baby and speak French. Your DH could speak Swedish to the baby and English when you are both together?

I speak Somali and English/Dutch (depending on where we are) when outside. My mother banned English/Dutch from the house and only spoke her language. I would say it helped me with being multilingual

My children have two first languages, I don't consider the language of school etc a second language as they are natives and fluent, but English is certainly not their second language either because to speak to them you wouldn't know they didn't live there, they are fluent.
But the only difference is their home language is my language. Can your husband speak French? I know it's difficult to change the language of home but if he at least understands, you can speak in French, even if he replies in English.

Your child will speak the local language as their main language. You have to learn to live with it.

However your child stands a very good chance of being good with multiple languages. A good approach is to have each parent speak their own language (always!). This means babies usually get the mother's language first (hard for dad initially!) then when they start nursery, school and watching local TV they major on the local language,. With internet entertainment (in english) and your family set up there is a fair chance that your child will be be trilingual.

You need to learn Swedish, and like Swedish people. Let go of France, you don't live there any more! Beware the ex-pat negativity bubble.

Or your husband may agree to move to France.

Why don't you just speak your language when speaking to the baby? Also you can teach French nursery rhymes and use books dvds and websites for kids to keep French alive in your home. Your child will also have the right to French as a native language in school as long as you are speaking it at home

Children do not necessarily speak the local language as their main language - mine both speak my language, English, as their main language despite growing up in Sweden although they are also fluent Swedish speakers.

A friend's child grew up fluent in Polish (her language), Arabic (her dh's language) and Danish (the language where they lived) without any problems

Let go of France, you don't live there any more! Beware the ex-pat negativity bubble you really don't.

My children love their English heritage, they knew all the nursery rhymes as children, they watch TV in English on youtube. You naturally parent in your language and culture. My children are 14, 11 and 7, they do one English worksheet (reading comprehension) and that helps, also I ask family for books. My children's school require them to take a library every week or two, sometimes they get one from the school library and sometimes they tell their teachers they want to read one of their English books from home. Especially if grandmas bought some new ones.
You will learn more Swedish in time, especially when the baby comes along. I made some of my best friends through baby activities and the children's school. Throw yourself in the deep end, don't give up or worry about your home language. I was in your shoes 11 years ago ,
I know what you're going through

Hi all, thanks so much for your replies! (Well apart from the 'let go France' which I don't think is possible)

There are French preschools and schools up to 18yrs old here. Wouldn't be a good option to really keep up with French language?

Best would be if my husband spoke French to me but I doubt he will! Maybe if I force him...

Do you live in a French speaking community?

We are a dual language home. I'm english; husband is German. We live in England, so that will inevitably be DS' first language. My husband speaks to him in German (but not as much as he should!)

You need to speak to your child in French exclusively. He will learn Swedish from his dad, his school, his environment. Leaving Sweden seems a bit extreme (unless there's more going on than just language concerns).

Dh speaks Swedish when alone with dc
You speak French when alone witb dc
Everyone speaks english when together as a family.

Your child will speak the local language as their main language but it doesn't mean they won't also speak French fluently. Of course you must always speak French to them and I think a French language preschool is a good idea as well, not so sure about for the whole of schooling but if they get a good grounding in French those first few years and you continue only speaking French with them then they are likely to be fluent for life.

My DD is bilingual too, we're in Finland and I speak only English to her and I admit that it was very difficult when she went through a stage of only speaking Finnish and I was worried about her not learning English but I just kept at it and now she speaks both fluently and actually English is listed as her mother tongue/first language not Finnish.

My mum, on the other hand, tried to raise us bilingual (Finnish and English, living in the UK) but failed because she didn't stick with it (understandable in her case as they adopted three older boys who of course only spoke English so she had to speak English with them and then naturally it extended to me and my bio brother too)

Local language = first language OP
Your child will need to make meaningful friendships using a common language. Speak French at home. But I think you're creating a very narrow existence by making your child's world all French all the time if you're a) not in France and b) not married to a native French speaker.

My French friend and her British husband speak French with the kids and have them watching French programmes from morning until 1pm. After 1pm, they speak English in the household. They live in the Middle East so I have no idea if the kids are learning the common language.

When in Rome...

I am the daughter of immigrants and I speak four languages. My first language is English.

BertrandRussell not at all, I don't friends here...I feel like I'm going to completely overwhelmed by Swedish culture. There isn't even a french bookshop here. My husband never travels to France I usually do it on my own.

Natsku you have Finnish roots that's good start. I don't feel connected to the Swedish culture. Do you like living in Finland? Is it temporary?

Hi OP,

I would suggest:
DP speaks to child in Swedish always, and you speak to child in French always. (DC will get English from school, and popular culture; you could also go to an English speaking club for toddlers or just make a couple of English speaking friends).

I am similar to you - my first language is French but I'm bilingual with English having spent much of my childhood in London. DH is Spanish and our kids were born in and have always lived in Spanish. I took advice of bilingual and trilingual friends and books and decided that I would speak to them always in French and DH would always speak to them in English and then they would pick up Spanish at school / in the playground / their grandparents (who live nearby and we are at least weekly). They are now trilingual verbally but their French writing is not fluent - I don't mind about the. They go to a bilingual Spanish/English school and will learn French AFL when they're 11.

It was easier when they were little and hadn't grasped that I could understand Spanish and English. Now they are 6 and 9 they will often speak to me in one of those languages but I always reply in French.

You have to be strict otherwise it lapses - it's not easy to maintain, it's a bit like being on a diet but in our experience it's worth it.

The language they speak in the playground will tend to dominate.

Also, as they get older, make sure they're watching TV in the target language! (Also easier when they're little as they don't seem to realise/care which language they're watching in).

It is very difficult. My Spanish sil felt very swamped by English culture when they moved here with their young children. Particularly as her English was good, but by no means perfect. Their solution was to have a Spanish home-where English was only ever spoken when ther were non Spanish speakers present- and English outside. The downside of this is that sil's English hasn't improved much. But the children are absolutely bilingual. It worked for them. I'm not sure how you could manage this with 3 languages, though. Maybe focus on the two languages where there is cultural and emotional attachment? And have a day at the weekend for English? Or only watch English TV?

Natsku you have Finnish roots that's good start. I don't feel connected to the Swedish culture. Do you like living in Finland? Is it temporary?

Having the roots is a good help but it didn't stop me feeling like a complete outsider for the first 5 years I lived here (have lived here 10 years, don't plan on ever leaving now as schools are so much better here), it wasn't until I started to speak Finnish much more that I started to feel more connected to the culture. Having a child helps with that, as you make other mum friends - you will feel more connected if you have more Swedish friends which will come if you go to baby groups etc. once baby arrives. It is hard living in a different culture but it'll get better the more you integrate (integrate not assimilate - its important to hold onto your own culture too and pass it on to your children)

"One parent one language" is a perfect set up for a bilingual child, and I know several families where a third "home language" has also worked fine, with trilingual children.
I speak French to my toddler but our home language is English. Of course he says more English words as he hears more English but his understanding is great in both languages.
Consistency is key and all your ideas sound great for encouraging French - we watch French kids tv on YouTube and read lots of books in French.

OPOL didn't work for my db and sil. The children actually found it very stressful and because my sil's English was the worst in the family, she felt left out and left behind.

Swede here, living in UK with English husband + 2 dc, and remember having similar thoughts during my first pregnancy. In fact, I remember standing outside my ILs house sobbing my heart out because my (absolutely sweet and lovely) MIL had inadvertently said something that brought the whole cultural difference into sharp relief. But I think it first hit me when we sat down to talk about names and it suddenly struck as both that "somebody's baby- either yours or mine- will have to have a foreign name!!!!"

20 years (and 2 children later), these are my thoughts on the subject:

a) At the moment, you probably feel very lonely and exposed, in a strange country and expecting your first child. But there is nothing that brings you in contact with other people as efficiently as having a baby: children are wonderful "friend-makers".

b) Customs and traditions that may seem very alien now will seem different when they are part of your own child's excitement at discovering life. One thing every parent has to learn- and that goes for parents in their own country as well- is that their child has their own life to live, and that that will never be a replica of your own life. You will always discover a new life, a new world, by looking through their eyes. It's one of the great rewards of parenthood: your world becomes bigger and more exciting. It is a lot easier to understand, though, when your child is actually there and you can see that they are an individual in their own right and not just a projection of your dreams.

b) In a bilingual household, you don't actually have to think about first language/second language: it is absolutely possible to have two first languages. Don't make it about competition, because this is something your children may grow to resent- and it is only a short step from there to resenting your whole culture. Embrace it as something positive, and there's a fair chance they may too.

c) Ime Swedes actually love chit-chat: on holiday in Sweden, I've been trying to read the same book chapter for 2 weeks and constantly being interrupted by chit-chatting.

But of course you can expect to do the same amount of adaptation to their culture as your dh will have to do when speaking to French people (including yourself). It may be that you have never noticed how much flexibility that requires of him. Chit-chat doesn't happen in a cultural vacuum: it took me a good 3-4 years to get any good at in England - by adapting to their ways and learning enough about them to establish common ground. Even longer before people started laughing at my jokes. Which I could have interpreted as "English people have no sense of humour"- but I preferred to find out what made them laugh and get good at that. I didn't have any roots in the UK so had to do it all from scratch. But it was worth it, not least for the sake of the children.

d) If you have decided to have a child with someone from a different culture, then half their heritage will be from that culture: if you resent that, then you resent half of them. It is your job to make their bi-cultural heritage easy to bear and a source of joy, because you are the parent, you made that decision, they didn't. And even if you do move to France, they will still be half Swedish and have the same right to that part of their heritage as they have to the French part of their heritage now. You can make that a positive thing by becoming the bridge between the culture they are growing up in and the culture they have inherited from you. Don't think of it as needing to protect them from too much exposure to something alien: ime a "the more the merrier" approach works far better.

If you speak to your child consistently in French, they will learn it. Read up on 'One parent one language' (also known as OPOL). If you spend holidays in France with francophone people, that will also cement the language and culture.

If you are determined enough, the CNED (Centre National d'Enseignement à Distance) do a correspondence course intended to complement an education overseas. Details here You can do it with your child in the evenings so that they learn to read and write French, and have another aspect of the culture.

I have to say, I wouldn't choose a French school unless you plan to move back to France. If you are truly making your life in Sweden (which has a high standard of living, enviable lifestyle and very positive social values) then why set your child apart?

Even more important than speaking your language is that your child should feel happy and 'bien dans sa peau'. Feeling part of their society - not outsiders - is a part of that.

Fwiw, adult half-French friends who grew up in France tell me that they don't feel like they are either French or British. Those who grew up in Britain feel fully British with some French heritage.

This comes from the different attitudes in France/Britain towards in-comers, and different cultural ideas of what makes someone French/British. I don't know what Swedish culture is like: how open it is, and how accepting of new people. Could be worth finding some French people in Sweden and asking them?

Even more important than speaking your language is that your child should feel happy and 'bien dans sa peau'. Feeling part of their society - not outsiders - is a part of that.

This 100 x!!!

The best way of turning a child off bilingualism altogether (and consequently off their "foreign" heritage) is by making them feel there is a conflict, that their everyday identity is somehow at war with their other identity. You don't have to do that. You can make them feel that being Swedish and being French is all part of the same enjoyment of life. You set the tone.

IME (3 bilingual kids) strict adherence to OPOL can produce a bilingual speaker, but it can't produce a (real) native speaker. That takes a whole continuous context.

My language is not the majority language and my dc naturally feel more at home in the other, dh's language, and identify primarily with it. I support their English in every possible way and I would absolutely consider them bilingual speakers, and of course they have a good dollop of the cultural feeling/mindset I have been able to transfer to them, but it's not their dominant default mode (it is in some specific contexts and circumstances, but they are not the majority). It is how it is, and I'm actually fine with it, as I'm very proud of the efforts I have put in to develop their English in a situation where they really only have me day-to-day (we moved to a semi-rural setting when the older two were quite small, we do see English-speaking friends but not on a daily or even weekly basis, they don't have GPs or family to visit back in England and we haven't managed to get there for two years for various reasons - due to remedy that soon, hopefully).

IIWY I would ditch the English at home, though, tbh, as some PP say.

Just remember you can't force anyone to speak a particular language, in your case French, but you can force them to listen to it.

Thats very interesing heteronormative what do you mean by not native?

Think there is more at stake here than language. What does language represent to you?

Clearly it is very tied up with identity. But honestly, when you settled down with a swedish man in sweden, it was clear you children would not be 'just' or even primarily french. It is important, for example, that they speak the language of their peers in the country they live in.

But my first thought was: it's not called mother tounge for nothing. If you speak to your children solely in french they will speak it back to you. But once they get to 2/3/4 what happens out of the home matters.

examples:
Im a brit married to a french man. We live in the UK. DC are billingual, although spoke english first. been in billingual french / english nurseries since 1 yr old, but french only became fluent around 3-4 (english was fluent an advanced 18 months earlier). Mother toungue english is reinforced by living in UK. Without billingual education i doubt they would have fluent french. DH tries to be consistent about it, and they'd understand and speak it, but billingual education when young supports it massively. For the teenage year i think other things are more important in education choices and DC can maintain their french other ways.

BIL and SIL also live in UK. French / german couple. My nieces are trilingual, as your children are likely to be. it seems to me that

• their first language is english (they are teenagers) don't know what it was like when they were little but think the drivers here are that the parents speak to each other in English so it is the family language and they have done 100% english speaking at school
• second language german - mother tongue, they still speak it with their mother
• third language french - their dad has been hands off and honestly hasn't put in the effort. They speak it well, but not total fluency and i gather written french is poor.

Honestly, as an english speaker their english isnt native speaker perfect either. But on the other hand they are trilingual, which is a huge skill. But as languages get added, there is a trade off with depth.

For you: if you want french to predominate, you either need to go for french / billigual eduation, or speak it as a family at home.

WHy are you sad about it? Can you turn it into a positive? To be bi or tri lingual is a massive skill.

Also, in a mixed family, it's important they speak both to have relationships with the wider family. I'm supportive of DC's french, so they can know grandparents, cousins etc. You signed up for a mixed family, so you both need to support that. Im supportive of billingual education here. If we moved to france, i'd want billingual or english schooling.

Once the baby is here, I think you will have bigger issues than language to worry about. There is a big variation in cultural norms on how to bring up children. Broadly i see a split between northern europe (scandis, germany, netherlands, UK) which is more relaxed and needs of the child led, and southern europe (france, italy, spain) which is more discipline and control based.

Honestly to me the standard french approach to parenting seems about 40 years behind. We have regularly family disputes (from DH's parents) e.g. on whether to use physcial discipline which i very normal in france but very discredited in the UK.

Hi all and thanks for all your replies.
I'm gonna try to reply to everyone as you guys really try to help me and I'm very grateful for that.

@GoodLuckTime My sadness comes from the fact that I can't get used to the locals. I don't 'click' with them and this is not because of language, it's because of our different lifestyle and goals and character traits. I spent some of my adult life in London and I fell in love with the diversity of people, their chattiness, their curiosity and the fact that I could find similar fellows and a lot of people who dream big. In the end, everyone struggles but we have a good laugh about it.
Here I don't find that. Everyone has a great standard of living, a good interior, good clothes, a house in the countryside, etc. But everyone does the exact same. I miss diversity. I have met expats and they are here because they seek that comfort and slow life. We came here to improve comfort too but there is not a single day I miss having colourful people around me.
So to me, it's hard to imagine that I will be the biggest outsider when my kids are Swedish and my husband too. Everyone will feel like a fish in water. My husband struggles with the lack of diversity too but he adapts better as obviously he is at home.
I'm worried to be the foreigner mum. I already plan to put my kid in a bilingual preschool and school-baby isn't born yet!
Having a bi- tri- lingual kid is exciting, I will be very proud for/of him/her. I just wish for a perfect balance between French, Swedish and possibly English with no dominant language which is impossible.

Will reply more, I have to leave now.