Worried that child will not speak my language as first language

[tilda0]

I am pregnant with my first baby. I live abroad in my husbands country. I speak French, he speaks Swedish and we speak English together.
It makes me worried and sometimes angry that our kid will speak Swedish as a first language. I can't quite accept that. Sometimes I plan to leave before the child actually speaks properly.
I wonder if the best option to overcome my fears is to plan preschool, school and activities in French. I guess it's only way to have almost equal level in both languages.
I personnaly struggle with Swedish as my motivation to speak to locals is pretty low--they don't like chit chats, it's very limited.

Happy to get tips from you if you have dealt with a similar situation

@HeteronormativeHaybales For now it's impossible to ditch English at home. My husband doesn't speak French and my level of Swedish is pretty bad. We talk a lot and it would get on our nerves to speak like two 2 years old toddlers together. It needs intensive classes for a long time. I'm personnaly not impressed with the whole Swedish anti social behaviour so I have stopped going to language school. I can not find motivation, I sort of don't care-I know it's bad but that's how I feel...

OP, I think there is a good chance that you would find diversity and characters if you immersed yourself a bit more deeply into the culture. I was a student in Sweden and I did not notice any lack of colourful characters; there was enough eccentricity there to last me a lifetime.

Again, I think you underestimate the kind of hard work anyone who wants to live in another country (and that will include your husband too) will do before they "get" it. As I said in my earlier posts, it took me many years before I could get English people to laugh at my jokes. It wasn't because the English don't have a sense of humour but because I hadn't learnt how to connect with it.

If I had moved to England and refused to take learning English seriously because I didn't want to sound like a toddler, don't you think I might have found the English quite anti-social?

And that is before you get down to all the social cues that any foreigner has to learn to rub along with the English: the correct body language at a bus stop, apologising when somebody pushes into you etc etc. Miss out on these and you will definitely not find the English tolerant and open. It's just that you haven't been the foreigner before.

Having said that, it may well be that your present location isn't right for you. Maybe where you live is too quiet and you need a big city. That is fine. But writing off a whole nation before you've even taken the trouble to learn the basics doesn't seem fine to me. Especially as it is your husband's country and half your children's heritage.

After all, your husband must have gone through the annoying toddler stage at one time if he speaks English now.

*@corythatwas * I did underestimated the kind of hard work to settle in a new country. I lived in Germany, in Spain and in the UK. Settling in London was very easy, I arrived alone, I knew nobody and I managed to make friends fairly just going out and working.
Swedish people speak very well English as you know. I don't think it's a language barrier. I have met Swedes who lived in America or in the UK for a long time and that doesn't change anything...
I understand there are rules in each country. I have learned to keep distance at the bus stop, to not sit near someone on the bus, I'm ok with not hearing thank you when I hold doors, etc...I miss having a good laugh. To me humour is completely inexistant here. It's been 3 years that I'm here so maybe it takes longer.

Even if it looks like a paradise, I feel like a total stranger. I don't think it will ever change. This worries me A LOT. When I lived in Germany, I found friends, I was pretty happy with my life but I had this feeling that I would be an outsider anyway. It didn't make me upset, I just left. Now I'm stuck...

@Strawberrybubblegum
I have to say, I wouldn't choose a French school unless you plan to move back to France. If you are truly making your life in Sweden (which has a high standard of living, enviable lifestyle and very positive social values) then why set your child apart?

I know the amazing reputation that Sweden has. But do you know that it is a hard place to integrate: www.thelocal.se/20170907/sweden-ranked-worst-place-to-make-friends-again
Most expats I know have expats friends. It feels like an endless erasmus exchange.

I would pick a French school to balance with all the swedishness of course.

Even more important than speaking your language is that your child should feel happy and 'bien dans sa peau'. Feeling part of their society - not outsiders - is a part of that.

I agree and happy parents=happy kids. I am stuck in limbo. I feel guilty to want to leave Sweden but I can't help that feeling. I miss having friends, network and random chats with strangers...I try to understand if I can completely erase myself once my baby is here and accept to be in Sweden feeling like an alien if that is good for everyone else, husband, baby...

My husband says that once baby is here we can go on trips to see our friends and have cultural fixes. (He assumes that his mum will watch the baby, ha ha...).
To me it doesn't fix the problem to have to fly every time I want to meet a friend or go to a bookstore or a spectacle. It's been 3 years I have spent all my evenings at home on Netflix unless I go out with my husband or his mum. Am I trained to be a mum?
I have met a few people that I considered to be friends but they actually never go out.

I live in Spain and DD was born here. She is Spanish. I am English DH is Spanish.

DH speaks to her in Spanish and she speaks Spanish at school etc
I speak to her in English and order the national curriculum on Amazon and books. David Walliams etc
Also Spanish books
She learns the local language at school too.

She speaks PERFECT English and Spanish. Equally. Do not fret. As long as you speak to her in French and read to her in French she will speak perfect French (with your accent) Promise.

It's an advantage.

danTDM thanks

I think even if you have been living abroad for a while, the moment when you have children can be really critical. I found that when my son was born, I suddenly realised really what it meant to be living abroad. Most of what I had imagined my life as a mother being, didn't and couldn't materialize. I really suggest that, rather than concetrating on bilingualism, you work on your feelings towards the country. BTW while my older son is bilingual, my younger children definitely prefer speaking in Italian and my youngest son more or less refuses to admit that he is half-British! He speaks English with a very strong Italian accent - but I love him anyway.

Aaargh - sorry for the poor English in MY post. I obviously need to refresh my language skills too!

I have friends who are French and English. The mum speaks to the children in French and the dad speaks to them in English. The children are fluent in both languages.

I have other friends who are Polish. They speak Polish at home the children are fluent, they learnt English at nursery and are now fluent. They speak Polish with a Polish accent and English with a Scottish accent

OP

Your Swedish will improve as your child learns the language and as you attend baby groups etc.

Have you considered using different languages on different days (some people do it rather than OPOL).

Now I know you and dh only have one common language but that doesn't matter, on 'French days' you speak to him in French and he can reply in French or English or Swedish.

On Swedish days you do the opposite.

Families that do it this way have one advantage in that there isn't a 'home' language so your child doesn't' learn some things in French and others in Swedish.

Eg if you are a SAHM your child will learn the French you use, if you have the old fashioned SAHM cooks and cleans set up (not saying it is, just saying this to make the point) you child will know the French for vacuum cleaner and cooking utensils but not Swedish.

I see nothing wrong with putting your child in a French-speaking school in Stockholm, assuming that this is where you are. Good that you've stopped going to language school, you could join Hedengrens the book shop meet-ups, and I believe they have a French corner with French books too. I'm not entirely sure you're right about Swedes not liking chit-chat, it could be they don't like to chit-chat in English but as for practicing the language, you could instead of those boring language classes perhaps sign up for some ordinary classes at Medborgarskolan (courses) in some hobby of your choice, like sewing or handicraft, or whatever you might enjoy (they've got plenty of things on offer). Instead of hanging out on Netflix all of the time, you could add in with Öppet arkiv or SVT Play or UR Play for a change. Have you checked out Citypolarna.se the meet-up if there is anything happening close to your area?

When is the baby due?

I wonder if I am becoming crazy. I start to really be allergic to Sweden, I'm not sure if UK is the answer and my homeland is not option to me. I might just have an identity crisis.
AlphaStation Thanks for your suggestions that's very kind. And you are right those free language classes are really boring. I don't do hobbies...
I sometimes watch documentaries in Swedish/English.
Baby due late January...

Sent a pm.

Swedish people speak very well English as you know.

At a superficial level, yes. With a few exceptions, that does not mean that it is not an effort to them or that they can express their feelings or personality or sense of humour in the same way as they can in their own language. Unless you are prepared to make part of the effort here, you really, really will not get to know them.

I don't expect the British to be very funny in French or Swedish either; I'd be impressed if they could direct me to the railway station in halting French.

I just want to tell you something of my story. Raised in Eastern Europe. I then lived in Finland for 3 years and hated it - similar to you feelings, really. Moved around a bit and settled in London. Now, how I miss Finland! Do you know how much you need to pay for nursery in London? In excess of £1000 a month. My Japanese friends had twins and had to move back to Japan because nursery fees exceeded their salaries. Sweden is an amazing country. I have a friend there who is an American single mom of 2 kids. She said only here she could survive financially and make a career.

I know it can be difficult, but long term it is a better place for a family and possibly for your child. I think you need to learn to see and respect the nation and what it is able to do for its citizens. Which is very very different to what Britain can do. And don't get me started on schools. I'd run to Sweden if I had a Swedish husband.

oh zombie thread!