Feel guilty that sometimes I don't want my ADHD son. Anyone else feel this?

[LanaDReye]

He's 7, about to start a low dose of Ritalin to help him focus. School feedback prompted this and I completely agree.

His dad (my ex) lets him sit for hours with electronics to shut him up on the occassions he has him. I take DCs out, spend time with him talking, so I get all his anger when he has his moments.

There are times when I feel so alone and desperately don't want the hard work any more. I work part time, see friends, have dated, but having a child that turns into an inferno of anger and can't focus is really tiring. My DD (11) tries to help and has managed to do well at school and socially despite the stress at home. I feel for her, she just wants normality!

Sometimes, when he is flaming mad and I have shown patience for ages, I tell him that I don't love nor want him anymore. Often, like now I have to walk away and have a moment to rest. I'm fed up of seeing my friend's DCs having straight forward days out and I'm dealing with a DC that can't follow basic social ques or instructions and rages over something that doesn't even make sense.

Then I feel guilty as he can be a lovely and caring boy when he's not in a negative 'moment'. Then I think maybe it's just me and someone else could do better

Flying that's a very heartening story. Thank you for sharing. I have found it very cheering.
I think moonpie is spot on - you need to stay in control if your emotions. I know this is tough - I find it so with ds who is 10 and has asd. I just make a very conscious effort to get in that zone, speak slowly and calmly, repeat until he listens. Tell him I am not criticising him, I'm trying to give him useful advice about to manage things. You need to stay in control, both to stop yourself saying damaging things and to give him security.

Msqueen33 your abusive post towards me is misplaced

No it wasn't. You said an absolutely foul thing to an OP who was looking for help.

It's abuse. It's abuse in just the same way as if the OP said she beat him with a stick

No it isn't. Don't be so bloody stupid. In fact, why don't you just stop commenting, as you are no help whatsoever.

Time40 I strongly suggest that you go and investigate what abuse actually is. This is just as damaging as physical abuse and apologists help perpetrate the myth that words don't matter. They do. They can damage terribly.

The OP can control herself not to take a stick to the child and therefore she can control herself not to say things which she knows fine well are really damaging - that's why she says them - because they hurt. It is incredibly stupid and ignorant and dangerous to pretend otherwise.

Flying it's good to hear a positive outcome is possible thank you for sharing.
OP.
We all make mistakes. I know I haven't dealt with some situations very well. someone recently said something to me that has helped.
"But he won't stay angry forever"
So Im trying not to engage with the tantrums as I call them and repeat this in my head.
Ok an average child won't take as long to calm down but he does calm down eventually. And although it's not stopped things it can stop them getting worse or dragging on.
And I've read about showing them you are listening.
Such as "you feel very angry because you don't like ... you wish you could..."
I thought it sounded patronising but it shows them you see what they want to say.
As you can see your not alone. Lots of parents are going through this too. Hope your ok

Some of the posts on here have been really supportive, thoughtful and insightful. The best way to help someone that acknowledges that they want to change is to be that way.

Jumping you have been absolutely no help at all. I just get the feeling that you want to kick me as I'm down.

That's a really good point 2wild. Op, the book "how to talk so that kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" is a great resource for this. It may not help during an explosive moment, but could help in day to day.

Glad that people have joined the thread who have actual suggestions, not just a desire to lay into a woman admitting something she knows is wrong and needs to change.

The next time my DS is explosively angry I will have the positive comments on here about focussing on it as a behaviour issue, temperature levels of anger and internalising it. Flying, moonpie and 2wild and many others thank you.

OP I cannot for the life of me imagine how or why anyone would say and do what you do to your child, and then post about it expecting help. The only explanation is that at some level you think it's acceptable, which is why you do it. You know you shouldn't, but you still do. And then post wondering do others feel the same! Astounding how you've normalised it.

Help? See your GP and tell them everything you've said here, and maybe your child's school too. I'm sure they'll direct you appropriately.

I'm going to hide this thread now. I hope you can find the control to treat that little boy better.

Help? See your GP and tell them everything you've said here, and maybe your child's school too. I'm sure they'll direct you appropriately

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha
This truly shows how little you know about the situation.

If only it were so easy to get help.

Now fuck off

I've never been so pleased to see someone leave a thread. Box of coming your way, jumping.

OP, I hope you find the right way to manage this situation. You know what you've said isn't right - I won't dwell on it. What matters is where you are now. The past can't be changed.

OP I'm taking ds (9) for ADHD assessment tomorrow. He has a diagnosis of DCD/dyspraxia already, but paed recommended we do this too. I recognise lots of what you say and I can empathise - I feel sometimes like our whole house is just a crucible for DS's rages and it is so exhausting. Dd (7) hides in her room . I have said things I regret to DS in the past, not precisely the same things you mention , but I really get how it happens, and how you hate yourself for it later.

Electronics calm mine down temporarily but after a bit they make him WILD ... but he cries and rages at us for restricting them.

It is exhausting, and yet in between he's the sweetest, most gentle boy. I'm frightened for his future mental wellbeing as an adult tbh and I have really been trying to dig deep and find ever larger reserves of patience, but it's hard. 😞

I'm glad others are out there, maybe should look at SEN boards more than I do.

64Pool yes the electronic gadgets put my DS in a near coma state, as it takes over and forces his focus on one thing, which is peaceful but not real and he too is wild afterwards. I have kept him off electronics (except CBBC on TV) for many weeks. He's better when he talks regularly about normal things. One of his major issues today was based on him asking if we were going to his nan's and could he use her iPad. He ignored chances to play in our day out at a park, ignored other children (cousins) talking to him and choosing a snack. He wasn't able to focus on anything he was asked. I tried joking, distraction, saying clearly no. He pleaded, cried, fussed and in the end physically let rip. I should have stayed in control and plan to next time. It was a short time that I felt swamped, support here has helped.

It's bloody hard going.

I get it. I think those things all the time when the fights begin. I am a single mom with no financial support nor any family my child's father included in the state where we live.

Fights because I don't want her to have cinnamon toast at night after she has brushed her teeth for bed. Going to bed, getting up for school on time so I can get to work on time. Trying to create a routine and then the unending guilt about ever doing anything for myself.

It took courage to write what you wrote.....Go see an ADD therapist now. Remember you are powerless your child's biology but not your own. Often I have listened to horrible things said to me and quite frankly 2 or 3 times have said some horrible things back. But we talk about it later. I know the best thing I can do is ignore the behaviors where she acts out that are oppositional defiant power struggles. I know if I remain calm and do my own thing and do not reward the bad behaviors that she will up the game by doing more destructive or rude things. Eventually, she will sit on the ground and be quiet and then I re-engage with her.

Believe me in my mind during the power struggles I am praying, I am trying to focus on my own anger and what to do with it. I am telling myself this is her ADHD not her. After all is said and done I HAVE to be by myself and go into my own world of music to heal. If I don't do this healing and literally it is healing then I am no good.

It also allows me to remember she does not choose this. Her brain is on fire and she can not transition out of her power struggle.

I hate living like this and I am sure she does too.

Oh mama, I feel you. I have a six year old boy. Just diagnosed with adhd. It’s the hardest I’ve had to deal with. He is a smart and beautiful boy with a dark side. He tells me he hates me and wants a new family. He was adopted through foster care so that makes sense to him. He can trigger so much anger in me and my significant other in minutes. You are brave for admitting how you feel and what you’ve said. I’ve been there, this morning actually. Honestly, my mom used to say those things to me and I know it hurts. I’m going to talk with him and let him know I’m sorry and didn’t mean to be so unkind. It’s so easy to be swept up in their outbursts and behaviors. I see people came down pretty hard on you here, when you were baring you’re mom soul looking for help. Finding ways for self care, I know how hard that is with kiddos, but you have to take care of you too. This parenting can cause secondary ptsd for you! If your not opposed to it, therapy for you might be helpful. A therapist will not turn you into child services for having an outburst like that. I wish you the best on this journey. And know, you are not alone❤️

Please never say those things to him :( he will be hurting so bad and it will make him so much worse.

I am sorry you are struggling so much but you really can't say those things. Better to say nothing and take time out in silence whilst he screams.

OP, while I have little experience of ADD, I do have a daughter who had violent meltdowns (kicking and biting) until the age of 10; I also grew up with a younger brother who (for very different reasons) displayed the same behaviour.

Some very good advice has been given on this thread, not least the line that "he won't stay angry forever". Cling onto that!

My experience is that children like this are frightened of their own behaviour. My db used to laugh when he hit someone but- oh, you could hear the terror under that laughter! 50 years later and it still breaks my heart!

Every time you do manage to stay calm and not sink to their level, you are providing them with a little glimmer of light, a little hope that the scary monster inside them won't win, that between the two of you you won't let that happen.

Walking away may help, another thing that may help is to plan something else that your mouth will say so you don't get the opportunity to say the things that will do further damage. Have your lines ready in advance. When dd kicked off, I used to hold her from behind (so she couldn't bite) and just repeat again and again "No, I can't let you hurt anyone, I won't let you hurt anyone". Holding isn't a good idea with all children, you'll have to work out what works for him.

I know how hard it is to get SN support, but keep pushing. If you do manage to find some that works, it is sooo worth it.

One thing that might also help you: many years later, my daughter told me that when she was in one of her meltdowns she couldn't really recognise me. It felt as if that wasn't her mum, but some scary monster that she had to defend herself against. Like when you're in a fever and the wardrobe keeps turning into a scary man. And that afterwards she had very little recollection of what she had said or done. I think I had had a sense of that at the time; it was just so difficult to remember when she also was making these very personal remarks. But I am glad for every time I did remember.