Feel guilty that sometimes I don't want my ADHD son. Anyone else feel this?

[LanaDReye]

He's 7, about to start a low dose of Ritalin to help him focus. School feedback prompted this and I completely agree.

His dad (my ex) lets him sit for hours with electronics to shut him up on the occassions he has him. I take DCs out, spend time with him talking, so I get all his anger when he has his moments.

There are times when I feel so alone and desperately don't want the hard work any more. I work part time, see friends, have dated, but having a child that turns into an inferno of anger and can't focus is really tiring. My DD (11) tries to help and has managed to do well at school and socially despite the stress at home. I feel for her, she just wants normality!

Sometimes, when he is flaming mad and I have shown patience for ages, I tell him that I don't love nor want him anymore. Often, like now I have to walk away and have a moment to rest. I'm fed up of seeing my friend's DCs having straight forward days out and I'm dealing with a DC that can't follow basic social ques or instructions and rages over something that doesn't even make sense.

Then I feel guilty as he can be a lovely and caring boy when he's not in a negative 'moment'. Then I think maybe it's just me and someone else could do better

I don't think people think it's the right behaviour at all Emily - we just see OP is exhausted and losing the plot. Berating her about it does no good, she knows it's wrong. Helping her come up with another outlet might help stop it, though...

Lana - he does have SEN. He has ADHD and ASD. We do laugh, it works for my DH more than it does for me, sometimes it massively backfires. But I can diffuse a lot with humour.

They are all different. I didn't mean to upset you.

Purple I describe my DS screaming and in a rage...I've tried everything from humour, bluntness, distraction. A simple "oh mum's tired too" isn't going to have us rolling around laughing. I would love it if it would!

But you can sometimes stop the situation from escalating into a screaming rage with humour.

I agree, by the time it's a screaming rage it's too late but there are strategies you can use to stop it getting that far.

Colours and purple sorry I don't mean to sound rude. If humour works for you that is great. I can spot initial signs and sometimes diffuse things, once he's fully seeing red it's hard to stop him.

Supportive replies as always on here . Parenting can be shit at times and it must be even harder with a child with SEN. I'm sure lots of people feel like that. It if you admit it you get a lot of flaming and little helpful advice (excepting some of the helpful posts on this thread). I have no advice but strongly suspect you are not alone . Do you get any breaks or any help?

It's abuse. It's abuse in just the same way as if the OP said she beat him with a stick.

She needs support to stop her abusing him futher.

Don't apologise, I totally get it. I find dealing with DS a huge feat of mental gymnastics a lot of the time. What works one day won't work another, he misunderstands or I plain get it wrong.

The medication does help. Hopefully you'll see some improvements when he starts that. I have met some adults with ADHD who are successful...and calm...I'm hanging out for that!

Sometimes I think he uses an angry outburst to release all the frustration from not being able to focus. If I could give him an invisible box to stand and explode in it would help him. I can't do this so I have to try anything and everything to get him out of the meltdown.

I agree, just not sure where exactly the support is on here and she has mentioned little support in real life which is the reality for many parents.

Jumping I've admitted I'm guilty of saying the wrong thing. What do you want?

Thanks colours and all the supportive comments. I came on here as today as earlier I really thought I can't do this anymore. I was with two complete families with 2 regular DCs and I felt a complete failure. I wish I could be stronger or do more or fix this.

I don't have specific help. They see their dad, but he's in denial and often leaves DS with grandparents so won't take him out.

I have 2 with SN, one including ADHD. When he's being particularly difficult, (usually being awful to his brother) I do focus on the behaviour and make it clear that his behaviour is very unpleasant to be around. I often point out that it's a good job I love him!

That's hugely frustrating that you've not had any other help other than some printed stuff. Crazy really given he's 7 so had been in primary school for at least 2 years, and has a diagnosis etc.

I know this doesn't help you with the immediate summer holidays, but ask the school when term starts if there is a family support service you can access. That should put you in the right direction. Also if you take a look on some ADHD-focused websites you should be able to find some books/resources you can use now.

The Explosive Child is an excellent book to get you started.

I teach children with SEN and ADHD. It can be incredibly difficult and I understand how emotional it must feel as a parent when you need to manage it constantly but you need to remember that if you want your son to learn how to manage his own emotions and anger, you need to lead by example and find a way of managing your own. If you say things like that to him it will only destroy his trust in you and break down your relationship which will make things even more difficult. I know how things can come out when you are at the end of your tether though. Make sure your son knows that this isn't something you mean and that you love him and you just said it in the heat of the moment and then put it behind you never to be said again.

It sounds like you need support. Ask at your son's school if there are any groups that they can put you in touch with. Did you get any advice from the school's educational psychologist when he was getting diagnosed? Ask the school for another meeting if you are struggling.

I run therapy-dog sessions in our school and we have a volunteer who comes in every week with his dog. This has proved really helpful for the children with ADHD, these dogs are incredibly calm and chilled out and the children learn that they can only be with the dog when they are calm and settled. Initially we will start with short sessions and the children will come in and pat and read to the dog, when the child starts to become unsettled then time is up and we say goodbye and leave. Over time the children have all increased the time they are able to stay with the dog for and they learn to manage/control their behaviour so they can stay with the dog. It has really improved concentration in the class but it also just gives the children the opportunity to relax so their stress levels come down which helps with behaviour also. It could be worth looking into any programmes like this in your area. I have even done this with children who were initially terrified of dogs but these dogs are so calm that they learned to trust them and by the end loved coming in to see them. I know there are also other organisations that do animal assisted therapy with other animals also.

Don't keep doing this on your own, you need support for your son's sake as well as your own.

Also, I've just seen your previous post that you said you can see sometimes before something happens and diffuse a situation.

Have you tried using a temperature scale with him? Something like these- www.pinterest.co.uk/explore/5-point-scale/?lp=true (sorry I can't find the ones I use in school right now but these are close). These can be used to help him to identify his own emotions also. You and he would go through the scale together and discuss each point on the scale, what he feels like at that point, what it might look like and then what he could do to deal with that. Then throughout the day you can have check-ins with him where you ask him how he is feeling, he might tell you a 3 so then you would discuss together how you could bring it back down to a 1 and then do that. Over time he will become better at recognising himself when his stress levels/anger is escalating and may be more likely to calm himself down without your intervention (but this will take time and your support to get to this stage).

Oh ffs, yes of course the op needs further support, that's quite clear. Pat on the back for everyone trying to make her feel worse. Unfortunately we don't live in some utopia where social services jump in with support and respite, so people like the op and others are allowed to get to breaking point.

Yes, surely she is allowed to vent and hopefully get some advice at the same time (won't pretend to have any OP).

Thank you so much!
This last page has so useful. The Explosive child and link I will definitely explore more later.

If I'm honest I have been partly in denial. At 18 months I could see my DSs frustration with the world and at 4 when the school SENCO said he was in another world and couldn't focus, I knew what she meant. Even now he's getting a prescription I haven't really faced it all.

I am a very independent person. Admitting I need help doesn't come easily to me, but now I hear about help I think I should take it for my DCs if not for me.

Might be worth seeing if you have a children's centre near you. I know a lot have closed but some are still open and if you do have one they may be open in the school holidays. You can probably self refer and they may be able to offer (only a little bit) practical help.

Got this tee shirt. Can I offer a perspective from the other side of childhood. There were days when I had had enough of Flyingboy (multiple SEN although not ADHD). To be honest, there are still times when I have had enough but not in the same way - more now like you've just had your fill. I realise that these coincide with regressive behaviours that come out with me so excessive squuking, behaving like a ten year old and just being vaguely annoying. These are times that for whatever reason, he can't be the together adult he has to present at work and to the outside world. Fair dos but it is annoying at times.

But, he is now 22. That kid that would tantrum for hours, not handwrite (still won't do that), have panic attacks has in the space of this month driven me six hours to our holiday, taken sole charge of his younger brother, done my shopping, done my cleaning, been made permanent at his job, been given a payrise, sorted out his own tax, packed, un packed, cooked and has made jokes and made us all laugh.

Do what you have to do. There have been times, particularly during several hour long screaming fits when younger, bad days at school, when I felt as you do. There are still times when he drives me potty and I do need respite from him. But he has grown into the most fantastic adult who surprises me and makes me so proud. On paper, he shouldn't be driving, shouldn't have paid employment, shouldn't manage his own bank account, shouldn't be saving for a home. Yes, he needs a bit more support than his peers but he is amazing and your son will be too. You just might need wine and chocolate to get through.

Oh, and as a SENCO can I say that medication will really help. Just be aware it takes time to calibrate it properly. Always work on him owning his condition and taking control of his needs. The book 'All dogs have ADHD' is really good.

Flying I hope it does work, for him more than me. He's becoming more aware of how his school friends can do things and he is withdrawing from them. They have also started to point out his differences and wind him up more. The teacher hasn't had a TA for the last few months and there are 3 other 'challenging" DCs in a class of 28. She was telling me everytime that she saw me at a pick up that he hadn't had a good day new year and he'll hopefully be more focussed with medication!

He's starting on 5mg but his doctor said she thinks he may need more than 10mg, but wants to see how if affects his appetite for 2 weeks first. I have no idea of what a regular dose would be.

Quite usual to start off with a low dose and gradually increase. You will be able to tell when it stops working - it's like a switch going clunk. School was always difficult for my chap. It was usually a bad day. My stomach used to sink every day.