Do you ever feel terrible about the way you have treated your child when you're in a bad way?

[MsPea]

I'm planning a major operation in a strange city which is going to involve me weaning dd1 off the breast when I really don't want to. I'm so sad and angry about this.

DP is out during the week all day- he leaves before she gets up and comes back after she is in bed. Our families are abroad. I have been so distraught today and unable to tolerate my baby's noise, neediness, mess etc. I have shouted at her to shutup, something I have never done before. I told her she was driving me crazy. She looked at me in shocked amazement before bursting into tears. I feel really awful. She's just being her and has no idea why mum is behaving like a stranger.

oh yes yes yes of course.

I'm a long term depressive with an abusive family background - not an excuse for my occasional psycho behaviour and general irritability, but a background. Sadly the incredible demands of babies and children bring out stuff you thought you had (perhaps) conquered.

I have felt like such a bad mother that I have been suicidal, writing ds notes to apologise to him for leaving him but that I knew he'd be better off with a nicer mother than me. That was at rock bottom.

I dread becoming like her (my abusive mother). But in the end what I probably resent most is that she never and has never apologised for any of her hysterically aggressive behaviour.

I try to make sure I have lots of support from dh, that he knows exactly what I am feeling and if I might snap. I always apologise to ds and have done since he was a baby and definitely couldn't understand it. But I just hope that the vibes of love for him and of knowing that I wasn't treating him as he deserved got through.

Now he accepts my apologies with generosity and we can talk about what makes us grumpy, etc. He told me last time I blew up at him that I had scared him and I said sorry and that even when I am being scary I always love him. I just hope this is enough to stop him being really scarred by my problems which should not be his.

How old is your ds Why?

he's 3 years 9 months now. Our relationship has only got better over time although he does prefer his dad in general and can't blame him...

Poor you. I admire you for trying to explain to him how you feel - he's still so tiny. Just recognising the problems is a step on from your own mum by the sounds of it. x

Hello again. Thankyou for all your posts abd support. It's good to feel normal... I explained and apologised to her, and we spent a long time playing the xylophone .

Today I feel determined to be better, and kind of scared I might not manage it. But dp was lovely last night and made sure I got a good sleep, so here's hoping.

The operation is for a bone infection and at first I planned to continue bf. But I just found out I need to be on an antibiotic for which there is 'no data available' around bf. So it seems unfair to carry on.

We're also a month into solids (she's 7mo) and we were doing really well at the start but she seems to have gone off them. Mealtimes are becoming something I dread which I feel is lkely to be transmitted to her and give her a negative view of food etc. I need to relax about it probably but feel pressurised by the need to wean and to get her a bit more independent of me.

MsPea have you rung La Leche League? They often have information on breastfeeding which is not readily available to other health professionals. Apart from anything else, they are superb at understanding and advising breastfeeding mothers in any situation, including the need to wean abruptly.

Here's a page where you can find details of a LLL leader near you, whichever country you are in

ms pea you could try the breastfeeding network drugline who advise on medicines and breastfeeding, they may well be able to help.

god yes yes yes all the time! guilt is my middle name dontcha know?

hi franca! tis me, boobs! knew youd be posting about dd today! you feeling better today? see me at 3.20 for a moan...

[hi mamatres, sorry about the rant yesterday! Hopefully see you this afternoon, hope I'll make it, as I need to go into town to get some stuff. otherwise tomorrow? and it'd be nice to meet after easter holidays]
MsPea I was in a very similar position two years ago with dd! When she was 7 months old I had to stop bf abruptly, I had a horrible dental abscess which wouldn't clear up with amoxicillin and I needed some anti-inflammatory meds + differnt antibiotics, which the doctors weren't sure were all right for b/f. I was in such agony that, to be honest, I didn't even try to investigate in depth and took the medicines. Dd had never tried a bottle and was just starting eating solids. That night, when she woke up for her feed, she took the bottle! As for the solids, she took ages getting used to those, and milk has been her major source of nutrients until she was around 15 months. I know it gets very emotional when food is concerned, but try to be as zen like as you can. Dd hated to be spoon fed, and once she was able to eat independently she started to eat more. If only I had known of blw! So it's worthwhile checking in the weaning session, ask for Aitch, she'll have excellent advise.
Needless to say that I still feel guilty for having stopped b/f when I hadn't planned to, she did accept the change gracefully, though (or at least that's what she led us to believe ). all the best with everything

Thanks Franca. I find your story heartening... I will try to take what you say about being zen on board, I need to stop dwelling on the negative if there is no option.

I have had a look at those sites which also suggest it will be a no-no on these meds, but will double check with my local bf counsellor on Thursday.

We had a much better day today .

maybe you can re-lactate later on? How long do you have to be on the meds?

Around 6 weeks.

I dont have any experience of re-lactating but maybe if you use a pump you can keep it going till it's safe to feed her again? Don't know if she would still want to bfeed by then tho having been ff in the meantime...im sorry i really feel for you...
Maybe LLL can advise on re-lactating or keeping the supply going while you're on the meds?