Do you ever feel terrible about the way you have treated your child when you're in a bad way?

[MsPea]

I'm planning a major operation in a strange city which is going to involve me weaning dd1 off the breast when I really don't want to. I'm so sad and angry about this.

DP is out during the week all day- he leaves before she gets up and comes back after she is in bed. Our families are abroad. I have been so distraught today and unable to tolerate my baby's noise, neediness, mess etc. I have shouted at her to shutup, something I have never done before. I told her she was driving me crazy. She looked at me in shocked amazement before bursting into tears. I feel really awful. She's just being her and has no idea why mum is behaving like a stranger.

Oh poor you :-( It all sounds appalling. I am sure we have all had moments / days / weeks where we have not coped with our children's needs and have behaved badly. I think it is a good idea to apologise and even explain on a level that they can understand.

And this may sound bizarre, but I always feel vaguely glad that my ds reacts with such upset when I am mean to him - he knows this is not the way he deserves to be treated.

Yes, I often do.
Not really sure what to say to help but I do empathise.

I agree, the fact that she reacted that way means that she knows she doesn't deserve to be shouted at and that you love her and are usually gentle. You've taught her that. One (or even several) lapse isn't going to change that. You're human - you're under stress, you cracked. We all do, in one way or another. It's a real, living, imperfect human relationship, your daughter won't be damaged because you shrieked at her when you were wound up and tired. Just give her lots of cuddles say "Sorry Mummy was a grumpy old meanie, I love you" and forgive yourself.

I'm with Greenshoots 100 per cent on this.

It would be worrying if you didn't feel bad, but try not to. If anyone posts that they have NEVER been unfair to their child when stressed, wound up and tired, they are lying.

honestly, we've all been there

I remember screaming at my 2 yr old "I'm going to kill you" after being up all night with the baby then 2 yr olds wanting up at 6am. This was to my darling, gorgeous, adorable son who I absolutley adore.

the thought of it makes me shudder

thank God as he was only 2 he doesn't remember

But you know we hae ALL had those moments ssd

MsPea, I have shouted at my 2dds before and felt dreadful about it. After the last time, I was crying to my mum about how bad I felt and what a terrible mother I must be.

She told me all mothers get exasperated with their children at some stage and succome to shouting. I asked her if she ever did with me and my brother, "god, yes!" she said, "more often than most." And do you know what? I can't remember her EVER so much as raising her voice.

That made me feel heaps better as I always thought I must have psychologically harmed my dds when I've shouted. Though now I think, probably not!

Doesn't mean I intend to carry on doing it though

JoanCrawford, CHANGE YOUR NAME!!!

You don't sound nearly awful enough to deserve that one!

Greenshoots, I had a little chuckle to myself about that when I posted on this thread

I have my moments

I've been there too, and feel dreadful too. I remeber when DS1 was 6 weeks old and accidentally headbutted me and I shouted 'stop stop just stop', and also one day when I hit rock bottom threatening to throw him down the stairs. Many many of us have had dreadful parenting days - but it DOESN't mean you're a dreadful parent - the fact you're unhappy enough to post on it prves the opposite. Good luck and hugs

I'm one of the "anti-smacking sanctimonious mums" - and I would like to make it clear that I have had some awful days and awful moments with my two (they're 2 and 4). I have shouted, I have said terrible things. I hated myself for it. I've had that awful moment when you're just not sure you're going to be able to control yourself - pure fear for me, coming from a pretty abusive background. Once I actually refused to cuddle my 4yo because I was too angry - I told him I loved him very much but to come back in a few minutes. I could cut my own arms off for that, I remember being in my late teens, at boarding school, and being in such a terrible mess emotionally - I craved cuddling and physical reassurance to the point here I banked up pillows around myself at night and pretended it was another person holding me

My point is that whatever kind of parent you are determined to be - and I think it is harder for those of us who start with a sort of negative blueprint of what we can't and won't be - you will slip up, you will get it wrong sometimes. After that time I refused my son a cuddle, I held him and sang to him for the rest of that afternoon.

If you've dropped the thread and made a mistake, don't panic. It's not the death opf all your hopes, it's not the failure of your way of doing things - it's just a mistake. People make them!! Your children are capable of understanding that you are not God, and that you make the odd mistake. All you need to do to move on as a family is to cuddle them, to show a bit of humility and admit that Mum can be grumpy/impetuous/wrong sometimes. You'll be amazed how forgiving and lovely kids are in these situations. All the love and patience and emotional dedication you've poured into them - you'll see it reflected back in their faces when you make a mistake and need their forgiveness.

Everybody is mean sometimes. Motherhood peels you like a grape and sometimes what is inside can be rather horrifying. I think if you don't have children you can go through life deluded that you are a really great person
I have shouted horribly at my two, but they are still lovely (ds got into bed with dd tonight to read her bedtime stories...aaah!) and they both told me they loved me.
What operation are you having MsPea? How old is your baby?

Ds tells me off in the evenings when I am cuddling him in bed

"Mummy, you were quite grumpy today, Mummy."

"Yes, I was. Sorry about that."

"It's silly to be grumpy, Mummy. You should try harder tomorrow."

MsPea you are most definitely not alone. Sometims having children can feel like someone is sucking the lifeforce out of you. I'm going through particular relentless time with newborn DS2 at the moment and feel stretched so thin I feel I might snap at any moment. It must be so so hard without family nearby.

The word which always went round in my mind when mine were very little was 'relentless'. How can you be nice all the time? It's impossible. As long as you give lots of cuddles after the event it will all be fine, I promise. What can you do to get some respite?

Hi, today I behaved like an a with dd. We were at gym tots and she asked for a snack, which I gave to her without really thinking (we've been going for 1 yr now and I hadn't realized it wasn't ok to give a snack to a toddler) and I got told off by the a member of the staff. Instead of being profusely sorry, as I'd be, I felt a bit p. Then I got angry becuase I felt like that. When we were finished I told dd that it was her fault we got told off, because she's bossy. I felt so crap for saying something like that, it wasn't certainly her fault. She didn't pay much attention, have to say. But I felt really bad, and cried on our way home, and apologized. They seem to understand.

Oh, franca really, forget abouti t. She won't remember. And toddler groups are an arse. You are lovely.

I agree with aloha about being deluded!

God, Aloha, you are so right. I was thinking how motherhood really makes you realise what your limits are and just how horrible you can be. And worse, how horrible you would like to be.

My three year old said to me the other morning 'mummy, you're a very nice woman, but...'

Believe me, today I was far from being lovely to almost anyone (and btw you don't look 35 ). I'm trying hard to add something remotely intelligent to what's been said already, but I'm afraid I'm too knackered. Mspea, hope you are feeling better

I totally agree with greenie that if you set yourself higher standards because of your own negative experiences, when you fail to live up to them it makes you feel even worse. I have found, as one who has never been apologised to by my parents when they have done something wrong and hurtful that it is amazing with what grace and forgiveness my own children accept apologies, and I feel hopeful that by forcing myself to apologise for unreasonable behaviour, even though it does not come easily that I am still helping them to learn that mistakes happen and that apologies for bad behavious are important. i don't know if that helps.

katierocket your comment saying it must be hard with no family nearby is so so true.

we've got no help and it makes the hard job of being a mum a million times harder

this is the one thing I'd have before winning the lottery, some friendly family nearby who gave me and dh even an hour a week off together without the kids hanging off us.