I,m i being too protective

[ariel]

Another mum at my dds pre school recently invited my dd to her childs birthday party which is being held at a sports centre , after reading through the invitation i decided i wasn,t happy with letting my dd attend, it mentioned in the invitation that it was a very active party, my dd has Hydrocephalus and cerabral palsy, she is very small and is intimadated easily by other children . Although i have never segragated her from anything she wants to do, i do feel she would not only not enjoy this sort of party ,i really do feel its far to unsafe for her. I told this parent today the reason why i didn,t want my dd to go and she then started a whole damn speech how i was wrong to segragate my dd from these sorts normal child hood experiances and if i treat her differently now she will allways be treated differantly. I really felt i should be explaining my reasons why , but then it dawned on me that she is my child and it is my desicion how i raise her, i have never wanted my dd to feel differant to other children we have fought long and hard to get her to be accepted in mainstream school , but surely it is also my responsability to keep her safe, sometimes i feel i am being too over protective, but shes been through so much and i relise i cant protect her from everything, but should i put her into a position where she will get hurt and feel very intimadated just so im not seen to be treating her differantly.

Ariel, what about going and staying at the party? But only go if you think it's the right thing for your dd, not because of what this woman said. IMO she should have accepted your reasons and kept her views to herself, but you were obviously stung by her remarks so could it be that you feel, deep down, that there is some truth in them?

If other children from her pre-school are going to this party then she will know people and if it is all too much then you can always leave. But you're right, it's your decision, whether you decide to give it a try or not. Good luck.

Wickedwaterwitch, perhaps theres some truth in that, haveing a disabled child with so many special and medical needs is truely overwhelming ,there is such a fine line between too much protection and not enough, with all the best intention in the world i truely know that my dd will allways be seen as differant by others, although she is 4 and has had these problems since birth its really only now that she is starting school soon that i acknowledge(sp?) just how special she is and just how difficult her whole future will be.

sorry forgot to add , it was mentioned that i could stay ,but i feel that would make my dd feel even more differant as would be the only parent staying.

Sobernow, my dd is 4, i dont think she was invited for that reason, this parents mother actully approached me a few weeks ago because she herself has hemiplegia and wears a simalar leg brace as my dd. I had never really spoken to this parent before her mother approached me , sometimes i feel she is so freindly because she feels we have a great deal in common , although i dont think we have, its as though she thinks she has the right too comment on my dd because she has experiance of one of the many problems my dd has (if that makes sense).

Ariel, from what you say about this mum, it sounds like she has a lot of unresolved 'issues' of her own. Maybe she was always treated differently herself, as a child or adult, and is taking her resentment (justified or otherwise) out on you. I.M.O, it is natural that you could be more protective of a child who has medical problems: I agree with the others who have posted, that let you d.d go if you feel it is right for her, but do not be bullied by this other mum if you feel the event is unsuitable or unsafe. If your d.d really wants to go though, this could be tough. I guess maybe you have to give it a go and remain discreetly in the background, although, having been to many kids parties, an extra pair of adult hands always seems to be welcome !

Ariel, this must be your choice (along with your daughter) but I agree you probably won't be the only parent there. At that age (& older) we used to quite often stay with my stepdaughter when she went to parties. I remember when she was six and she sat on her dad's lap for half the party and only joined in when we promised to stay for the rest. I am quite sure other parents will be there - and I don't think four year olds feel embarassed about that sort of thing anyway. She would be proud to have mummy there to show off to, I think.

Ariel, Obviously you must not go if you think it is going to upset your daughter more than she enjoys it, even with you to keep an eye on her. But I wanted to say that I think it is important and beneficial for other children and parents when children with disabilities do come to parties, and the other children can learn how to play with her without hurting or intimidating her. I have had no friends with disabilities and when a friend had a baby with Down's syndrome, I was very embarrassed and did not know what to say or do. However, seeing the baby at all kinds of social events has completely changed my attitude. He is a really lovely baby and I am glad when my able-bodied son has the opportunity to learn how to play with him in a way that is safe and right for him.

Ariel I really feel for you on this one, I have been through the same sort of experiences with my daughter now 10, who was born with hydrocephalus and then we discovered she had a collagen deficency syndrome that caused her joints to overextend.As she was growing people were very insensitive with their comments towards her, (we would have complete strangers pointing and commenting on the size of her head), knowing nothing about her or what she needed.

I too have had mums saying the apron strings need to be cut etc, but I just reply with silence or by saying that she is not their child so it doesn't concern them.

At the age of 10 she has seemingly overcome her hydrocephalus, but still has rules about what she can and can't do because of her joints. Most people have a perfectly healthy child so have no idea how they would react if it happened to them, so I think you are behaving in a completely natural way, and don't think you are being unreasonable at all. This woman has been very insensitive regarding the needs of your daughter and made you feel guilty for wanting to be there with her, but remember she is your child and you know her best. If you don't feel comfortable then don't send her, because there is one thing for certain and that is if your daughter had an accident it wouldn't be the host who would be looking after her.

No, you can't protect her from everything Ariel, but you can protect her from some things. Those things you can, you should - and you are. Good for you.

Ariel, you've had lots of good advice here, in a difficult situation. Can I also suggest you bypass this mum - who I think had no right to talk to you without knowing what it is like to have a disabled child - and check with the sports centre direct. If it is a local authority one then they should have a code of practice for dealing with customers with special needs and they may well be able to give you more sensitive and less judgmental advice about whether the venue and activities are suitable for your dd. They may well also have trained facilitators who work regularly with disabled children.

ariel, whether or not you were being overprotective, it was completely inapropriate for the other mother to suggest that you were being so. How you choose to "protect" your child is your decision and a very personal one. I have/had no disabilities, but nevertheless my mother was always very careful about which parties she let us attend as children and would always check on the number of adults present and the venue etc. The other parents were always critical of her (as we grew up in laissez-faire Berkeley in the '60's/70's, but in retrospect, I think she was absolutely right to question how and who was looking after her child. And despite her care, I still remember being taken at the age of 6 or 7 for a birthday party to a protest/march where I was hit with a cane (or so I remember) by a little old lady.

My advice - as usual - is go with your heart. Trust your instincts

I have to say Airel that I don't think you are being overprotective, I would not have llet either of my daughters go to an activity party at a sports centre without my supervision when they were only 4. In fact my little one is only 5 now and has never been to a party of any kind without me yet.Most party-givers want lots of adults to stay - what if all the 4 year olds want to go to the loo at the same time, etc?.The mother who gave you a lecture is displaying ill manners to say the least, it's actually none of her business if you want to stay at the party or not attend.We don't have to accept all invitations for our children. Do what you think is best.

I even think it's a bit early for big sporty parties for most four year olds, the more I think about this thread. I can't believe that no other parents would stay though. Parents stayed at all my stepdaughter's parties until about the age of 7. It would be mayhem otherwise with crying tots everywhere! If you do decide to go (totally up to you, of course) then of course you should stay. Don't be bullied. She has a lifetime of parties ahead of her.

Well ive finally decided not to let dd go to the party, that was my first instinct and i beleive its the right one. I never mentioned to dd that she was invited and even if i did she woundn,t of understood , so at least she wont be upset my me not allowing her to go . Now to change the subject, i just wish to say how much i enjoy mumsnet, whenever i feel down or uncertain about something im sure to feel better or find an answer here on mumsnet, thanks to, everyone your a great bunch of mums.

sorry, i meant "by me" and not "my me".

I'm going back a bit on this but since when was it a "normal" childhood experience to go to a party in a SPORTS CENTRE?!

Quite frankly, I'm surprised the other parents were happy and didn't want to stay to watch what's going on.

Jbr, do you know what a sports centre is?? It's only a way of hiring a big space.

I know its a very expensive health club where the kids can be left with a host and the parents can then use all of their facilitys(sp?) as there is lots of them i.e swimming pool, sauna ,jacuzzi i gather alot of the parents are leaveing their kids to use them.

Just an update, well on friday i finally agreed to allow dd to attend this party , as long as i stayed and that i would take dd home if she didnt like it, although i warned the mother that dd had not been to well so i would wait and see.Well on party day dd was very unwell,vomating all day so in the end she was unable to go, so that morning i was going to ring the mother to inform her, but the card she wrote her number on was a glossy card and she had written with a felt and had smudged so much it was unreadable. So i approached her this morning to appolagise(sp) and she completly blanked me, being a bit niave i approached her again and she was really rude saying that because i hadnt come she had to pay for my dds meal, i had to walk away from her otherwise i think i would have blown a gasket. Please excuse my babbling on i just need to vent some anger, how dare she speak to me like that, i mean who the hell has a kids party in a exclusive health club anyway.

How rude! At children's parties there are bound to be the odd occasion when one is ill at the last minute and unable to come. For goddness' sake, this woman is a mother - how can she be so unsympathetic to you and your child. Choose not to become involved with her, she has a problem.