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Parenting

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Original poster

Someone PLEASE help me!!!!

29 replies

flamey · 23/03/2007 12:31

I don't know what to do with her anymore.

I gave her warning - I told her she could have one computer session a day, we made little cards so she could choose the computer card, put it in a box ready for the next day.

She had a timer to tell her when the session was up.

She knew at the start of the session that after the timer she would be having a bath.

She screamed. Kept turning the computer back on.

She lost all her pasta (kept counting to 3 and taking another piece). She still kept screaming no at me.

I gave the jar to DS (she is convinced he will break it) - said she could have it back when she got in the bath... still screamed no at me.

Threw her teddy out the front door.

Confiscated her care bear.

Threatened to confiscate giant Boo which eventually got her into the bath.

Somewhere in amongst that lot I lost my temper and smacked her leg (I very very rarely smack).

I screamed and shouted - I was never going to be screaming shouting mummy.

My throat hurts. I can't do this anymore.

I don't want to be around her because I can see how much I have failed her.

She would be better off without me.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TooTicky · 23/03/2007 12:35

How old is she?

amynnixmum · 23/03/2007 12:35

Oh flamey no she wouldn't - we all lose it sometimes.

Original poster

flamey · 23/03/2007 12:36

She's nearly 4. ?AS or cr*p parenting - we're not sure right now

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LittleMonkiesMum · 23/03/2007 12:37

Aahhhhh, please don;t be so hard on yourself!!
I thought I was having a bad day. You are her Mum and she's having a horrid horrid time at the moment, but you are the one she NEEDS and wants more than anything else in the world.
I have no idea of the background to this, DD's age etc, but had to write something as you sound so completely fed up and wanted to send you a big huge virtual hug, and a large glass of whatever you fancy!

amynnixmum · 23/03/2007 12:38

If you are doing tha pasta jar and stuff like that it sounds like you are doing all the right stuff so don't be too hard on yourself. Are there other reasons for you thinking AS?

LedodgyCheapEasterEggsAreASin · 23/03/2007 12:40

Flamey i could ahve written the same post today my dd is nearly four two (a week on tuesday) They're stubborn little madams aren't they? I have also screamed and shouted and then felt guilty we all have days like this.

TooTicky · 23/03/2007 12:40

3 year olds can be hard work. Is she your only child?

shouldbedoingsomethingelse · 23/03/2007 12:40

oh please try not to worry. We are not as bad as we sometimes think we are!

Your run down could be a copy of my house sometimes (except we dont have a Giant Boo!)

Try to find a fresh, positive feeling, forget what has happened, its in the past now and cant be changed. Onwards and Upwards.

Original poster

flamey · 23/03/2007 12:40

amn - sn thread from a while ago

She has improved with the bedtime routine, we were having so many less meltdowns that I have started querying myself again... then the last week has been odd and I have no idea anymore

OP posts:

roberta3 · 23/03/2007 12:41

This is not you being a bad mum - it's a daughter who is testing her boundaries and knows how to push your buttons. You are doing fantastically as you are saying what will happen if she doesn't behave and then you are following it through.

It's awful when you lose it with your kids cos like you say you never wanted to be a screaming shouting (smacking) mummy. Now you have reacted like this once you probably won't again cos you know it doesn't make them behave any better and you feel crap and guilty!

Deep breath and walk away until she tantrums her way out of it. Move anything dangerous or breakable (including DS!) and just leave her to it.

Good luck...

Original poster

flamey · 23/03/2007 12:42

How can you not have a giant boo? They are essential to all families are they not? Anyone walking past will be looking a bit at the giant mickey mouse on the front path

I have a DS 12 months - both in bath now.

OP posts:

amynnixmum · 23/03/2007 12:44

I'm pretty sure i leant bunny my book on challenging behaviour. She's had it a while now so she must have read it I'll email her and ask if she's got it and then you can borrow it.

Original poster

flamey · 23/03/2007 12:45

Thank you Things were going well with giving her plenty of notice etc, but the past couple of weeks have suddenly fallen apart

OP posts:

mamma2kids · 23/03/2007 12:46

I'm starting to think my parenting style is abnormal.
She sounds quite normal. Why make life hard for yourself and her by trying to control her behaviour so much. What terrible thing would happen if she had two sessions on the computer? What disaster would occur if she missed her bath?

amynnixmum · 23/03/2007 12:48

That happens with ds as well. he had been doing well than we've just had a horrible 3 or 4 weeks that seemed to come from nowhere. We've just started a new discipline technique called 123Magic that they do with him at school and so far things have definitely improved. If you want you can borrow the DVD and see if you want to try it. Its designed for children from 2-12 and we are doing it with both of ours.

Original poster

flamey · 23/03/2007 12:51

She is wanting to play on the computer all day everyday - she is 4 - that is not healthy.

She is in cloth pull ups and smells - she won't let me wash her (very sensitive to all contact there - has been since birth) so NEEDS a bath to soak her bits clean or she will hurt.

She can pretty much do as she pleases a lot of the time, but at the end of the day I am the parent here and on the few occasions where it is a situation that she must do something, she needs to do it.

OP posts:

Original poster

flamey · 23/03/2007 12:52

The pull ups are for bed btw.

Borrowing the dvd sounds like it oculd be great anm - where abouts are you (I know Bournemouth/Poole but that's about it )

OP posts:

amynnixmum · 23/03/2007 12:53

Ds is like that about his playstation flamey. We have to limit his time on there otherwise he'd never be off it.

amynnixmum · 23/03/2007 12:53

Parkstone flamey

Scootergirl · 23/03/2007 12:55

Oh flame - sorry you're having such a bad time. If she's a child who needs routine, like many with AS tendancies, could you do a poster of her day which leads her through everything from getting up to bedtime.
You could even take photos of her and DS doing each stage and then stick them on the poster to make it personal.

foxybrown · 23/03/2007 12:55

All I wanted to say is that I have days like yours and I hate myself for MY bad behaviour when I react like this to my 4 yo. I think you have behaved perfectly normally, and had a bad day as we all do.

I have quite strict routines (I have 3 5 and under and pg too), and I want them to follow it. They are simple and involve the essentials (usually, meal, bath and bedtime).

I try to time them out in their rooms if its going wrong. It gives us both a breather.

But you sound perfectly normal to me.

JackieNo · 23/03/2007 12:56

I've seen the 123 Magic book recommended on here a lot.

Sorry, no real advice from me, but I did see on another thread someone who'd said that they make a chart of what's going to happen that day, and stick appropriate pictures on in the morning, so that the DC gets a visual idea of how the day is going to go, and so that later on in the day they can refer back to it to see what's going to happen next. (You're going to tell me that was you now, aren't you). If it wasn't you (), it might be worth a try.

chicaguapa · 23/03/2007 12:56

Have you phoned your health visitor? We had lots of problems with DD and they sent round a 'super nanny'. TBH she didn't help much with DD as she admitted that DD was a bit out of her experience (she's G&T on 99%) but even just knowing she was coming again the following week was support enough. So you could try that.

Something I have learnt is that it took a lot longer to get results with DD than it said in 'the books'. Even now she's been on school dinners since Sept and still isn't eating anything! I was told it would take a term at the most for her to give in.

It sounds like she is very strong-willed and rebelling against not being in control. If you search on the internet it says it's all about choices. Always give two choices, pref things YOU want and she can feel she can choose what she wants. For example she could choose to have a bath or just a wash with a flannel.

Also something very interesting the 'behaviour doctor' told me was that DD was engaging ME in conflict. If you just walk away from it she will see that you are in control as it is stopping her from arguing with you. I know this doesn't seem to make sense but by staying and fighting she feels she is keeping you there and is really the one in control of the situation.

And empathise a lot. Keep saying 'I understand you want to play on the computer and not have a bath.' If often takes the wind out of their sails and leaves them nothing to say.

We had got into a cycle of confiscating things until we had run out - which never worked as DD knew we were clutching at straws and not in control of the situation. Time out in the bedroom works well for both of you to have some time and space to calm down.

Unfortunately the ONLY thing that will stop her in DD tracks is a smack. I also didn't want to but it's always with a warning. She has to go upstairs to her bedroom and wait for me to come in and smack her once on the bottom. It's sounds very cruel but it's the only way I can make sure I never do it in temper. And it is literally the only thing that works. Fortunately we have only done it about 4 times and now a warning is all it takes.

But PM if you want as I've been there and bought the T-shirt and hopefully am out the other side.

amynnixmum · 23/03/2007 12:58

Thats a really good idea scootergirl. At school ds has a schedule of his day that he sets up with his TA in the morning. He does like to know when something is going to start and end. If you do the pictures of her doing various activites you could stick velcro on the back and then make up a lone schedule strip to stick them on.

amynnixmum · 23/03/2007 12:59

I meant LONG schedule strip

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