Leaving a 9 year old home alone. Sort of... is this ok?

[Zayna99]

DPs ex lives hundreds of miles away with his 9yo DD and her 89yo mother, I'll call her Gran so we don't get mixed up here.... Gran is almost bedridden and has her own bit of the house which she's to stay in - gran and mother (the ex) don't get along and so gran is not allowed in the main part of the house.

Anyway. DD is left home 'alone', a lot. Her mother goes out a couple of times a week till the early hours. DP always rings DD and has a good chat with her but the last time this happened, she was crying because the weather was bad and the lights were flickering, and she's frightened of the dark. DP was saying it will be ok, if there's a power cut (which there often is, they live in a remote part of the country) she should just ring mum and she'll come home.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but cordless telephones don't work when there's a power cut, do they? DP hasn't even thought of this and I daren't mention it. I get my head bitten off if I criticise the way that his ex is bringing up their child. He says she's doing well to bring her up on her own, but I don't think it's right that the little girl is left on her own so much. Some weekends she's on her own all day, she goes into Gran's room sometimes, but she's no one to play with, no brothers or sisters. Her mother has fallen out with all her friend's mothers, so DD isn't allowed to play with so-and-so...

She talks like an old woman, everyone thinks it's cute but I find it really sad, like she's missing her childhood. And on Mothers day, Mother was in bed most of the day with a hangover, and DD had been told not to put the tv on or play her keyboard so as not to wake mother. DD was upset because she'd made a mothers day card and mothers day was nearly over and she hadn't given it to her.

DP is right, I should keep my nose out, but I feel so sorry for his DD, and think his ex needs a kick up the arse....

Have got to ask this, why do you want to be with this kinda man?

His relationship ended with her about 3.5 years ago, had it not been for dd, he'd have ended it years before that.
They were not married.
DP visits dd about once a month, for 3 or 4 days at a time, more in school holidays. They live too far away for him to visit every week.
He doesn't need encouraging to see DD, I would never ever try and stop him, I wish I was allowed to visit too.

DP did not leave his ex for me. We started going out together when they had been apart for about 8 months. His ex knows me, used to be in the same circle of friends until they moved away.

I'm not sure why I'm being judgemental... I feel sorry for his DD, she seems to live a lonely little life. And call me pessimistic, but there's an accident waiting to happen somewhere along the line, why the woman can't get a babysitter when she goes out, I really don't know.

No child should automatically be with a mother if the mother isn't there for the little one. That just doesn't make sense. A mother isn't a mother just because she gave birth and neither is a father a father just because he had sex!

How would you feel if DP got custody? Maybe you could keep a diary of incidents like the ones you describe in case he decides to go for it?

As for keeping your nose out, most people would concerned about a child in this situation even if they didn't know her. I feel terribly sorry for her too.

It wouldn't worry me if DP got custody. Ex would be a total nightmare (if she could get any worse) but the safety of this child worries me. I know it worries DP but he doesn't say anything to me. See, I can't win. If I speak up, he defends his ex. If I defend his ex, he criticises her. Its like he contradicts himself every time he opens his mouth, it's a very odd situation. I have sometimes felt like ringing social services, but I am scared of making things worse and if dp found out, he'd go berserk. And if ex found out I'd done that, I can imagine that there would be more fireworks than on November 5th...

it is a horrid situation for all concerned,

i dont think you are being judgmental just a normal caring human being, - it is just so sad that you are the only one and the others arent as caring,

it would be easy for you to enjoy this cushdy arrangement as well, and i admire you for not doing that and trying to take action,

i feel so sorry for the dd

I'd call SS. nobody needs to know it was you who rang!

I'd also think about my future with a spineless man tbh.

I absolutely daren't call social services. What on earth could I say? I've never even been to their house, only met dd once, they wouldn't believe me. And how could they not know it was me who rang, surely they can trace phone numbers... But then if I don't do something, and something does happen, I'll never forgive myself.

Withold your phone number if you want to call SS!

If not suggest your DP buys his daughter a mobile phone so if the phone lines did go down she'd still be able to call out.

Three times she left the child last week - at least. DP just told me. I asked him why he doesn't do something about it and he said what can he do? It's not illegal to leave a child with an 80-odd year old lady, if he reported it, they'd just laugh in his face...

Sorry but i have read your thread before about your dp & the situation with his dd etc.

I think your dp needs to grow up & stop being so pathetic & stand up to this woman, why is he defending her when she is so obviously in the wrong, why is he going & staying in hotels with this women surly his relationship & time should be devoted to his dd not her mother is well?

What she is doing is wrong & he needs to tell her, he should not be scared he should be doing what is right for his dd, afterall he says all that matters is her so why not make it so she is safe?

I am sorry but if he was thinking of his dd he would be doing something about this situation not just letting it happen, this is wrong!

I have a stepson who has been to hell & back & i could not even begin to tell you how terrible his life has been, the nights i have sat & cried is unreal, i know how hard it is to pick up that phone & call social services because i thought about it & really felt i needed to but what would dp say etc? anyway the situation was taken out of my hands because someone else must have called ss (i think it may have been the school)

I would seriously think about phoning ss i know i would not hesitate next time because we need to think of these children & what they are going through, it is there lives that are suffering after all.

Also your dp will not have PR over his dd but he can easily apply for it through a court, i would suggest he does this if he really cares.

but she is with an old woman, it is sad but not i think anything ss can do about it... i think perhaps she needs to stay with your dp more

i think in this country we find it easier to ring RSPCA than NSPCC, perhaps there is someone you can talk to confidentially, i hope you find someone

But would ss not look into it? Surely if they saw that the old lady was practically bedridden, couldn't climb the stairs, banished to her room at the back of the house... It's terrible, it really is, and something should be done. DP is effing spineless, I told him so this morning and he said he can't do a thing about it.

oh then really you must, as a concerned adult, if he won't,
i hadnt realised she ws bedridden, so effectively not there.
poor you, poor her ..try nspcc... or someone

But how can I do this anonymously, and if I did do it anonymously somehow, would they take me seriously or just put it down to some crank having a go at an ex or something? If anything happened to that child, I would never forgive myself for sitting by and doing nothing.

Hello again. Well she was on her own Sunday night and again last night. Apart from it being slightly dangerous, the poor kid has nobody to talk to. I wouldn't do this to my dog.

They take every call seriously, I think.

Have you talked to dp about it at all? (sorry, haven't time to read every post, if you've already answered that, ooops)

I have talked to DP about it but he ends up shouting at me, saying it's none of my business, saying he's doing the best he can, that the child is ok (but he only says that to shut me up, he knows she isn't really) and that he's so far away he can't do a damn thing about it. He also says that because she isn't actually on her own, her grandmother is there, nobody will do anything about it. Even though gran is 89 and bedridden.

"If anything happened to that child, I would never forgive myself for sitting by and doing nothing."

You know what you have to do. If this is how you really feel, and talking to your dp isn't working, then you HAVE to call social services. If you think the situation is serious enough that you wouldn't treat a dog like this, then you need to be brave and face whatever fireworks happen. Surely all the aggro in the world is better than something happening to the little girl.

However, I would tell your dp that you are going to do it, if he doesn't do something about it. He would feel betrayed if you went behind his back. It's better to do something openly even if he disagrees with it.

It sounds like you're hoping we'll all say, it's OK, the girl will be fine and you're better off keeping out of it, but I think you've come here because you know deep down that this is wrong.

I've seen awful ex/new partner/child aggro happen in my own family. My dad's ex was appalling and always kicked off over their daughter, my sister, being allowed to see my mum and me, so that my dad was afraid to challenge her in case he made the situation worse. Well the situation got worse of its own accord - when my sister grew up and had her own child, she wouldn't stand up to her mum either and I didn't see her or my niece for 9 years. Your dp's ex sounds like a bully, and bullies need to be stood up to.

well, from reading the whole thread.... if you are so concerned, what are YOU going to do about it?

agree fluffyanimal!

If I tell him I'm going to do something, he'd go berserk. Probably it would be the end of our relationship. I've just been looking on the nspcc website, you can ring them for advice and you don't have to give any details.

Your DH needs to take steps to ensure the safety and well-being of his daughter.