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Parenting

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Leaving a 9 year old home alone. Sort of... is this ok?

49 replies

Zayna99 · 23/03/2007 11:39

DPs ex lives hundreds of miles away with his 9yo DD and her 89yo mother, I'll call her Gran so we don't get mixed up here.... Gran is almost bedridden and has her own bit of the house which she's to stay in - gran and mother (the ex) don't get along and so gran is not allowed in the main part of the house.

Anyway. DD is left home 'alone', a lot. Her mother goes out a couple of times a week till the early hours. DP always rings DD and has a good chat with her but the last time this happened, she was crying because the weather was bad and the lights were flickering, and she's frightened of the dark. DP was saying it will be ok, if there's a power cut (which there often is, they live in a remote part of the country) she should just ring mum and she'll come home.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but cordless telephones don't work when there's a power cut, do they? DP hasn't even thought of this and I daren't mention it. I get my head bitten off if I criticise the way that his ex is bringing up their child. He says she's doing well to bring her up on her own, but I don't think it's right that the little girl is left on her own so much. Some weekends she's on her own all day, she goes into Gran's room sometimes, but she's no one to play with, no brothers or sisters. Her mother has fallen out with all her friend's mothers, so DD isn't allowed to play with so-and-so...

She talks like an old woman, everyone thinks it's cute but I find it really sad, like she's missing her childhood. And on Mothers day, Mother was in bed most of the day with a hangover, and DD had been told not to put the tv on or play her keyboard so as not to wake mother. DD was upset because she'd made a mothers day card and mothers day was nearly over and she hadn't given it to her.

DP is right, I should keep my nose out, but I feel so sorry for his DD, and think his ex needs a kick up the arse....

OP posts:
CadburyCremeSquonk · 23/03/2007 11:40

I don't have any advice, I'm afraid, and it does seem very sad for her. But I would like to say that she is very lucky that she has you in her corner.

Hillary · 23/03/2007 11:44

Poor little mite. What a mother

She souldn't be left alone she's far too young & obviously isn't ready for independance like that. Could your DP not file for custody?

Zayna99 · 23/03/2007 11:48

No, he won't file for custody, he thinks children should be with their mothers, and because he was the one to leave the relationship, he feels terrible guilt. I wish I was in DDs corner, but she's not allowed anywhere near me, my name isn't to be mentioned when DP goes to visit... it's a bizarre situation.

Quite honestly, some of the things DP tells me, his ex wants reporting.

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starfairy · 23/03/2007 11:51

Dont understand, if he knows all this why is he not doing anything about it?

Zayna99 · 23/03/2007 11:52

Because if he says anything, his ex says things on the lines of 'well if you can do any better, effing get yourself back here...'

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starfairy · 23/03/2007 11:54

Really sounds like the litle girl needs his help.

Is he not open to the fact that she would be better off with you two?

Hillary · 23/03/2007 11:55

Chances are though you and your dp have a much more stable home for her and anybody can see that, your dp needs to face up and take her on, she will resent him later on if not knowing he "could" have done something about it. Does he have parental responsiblility?

Zayna99 · 23/03/2007 12:14

Does he have parental responsibility? I don't know. AND NEITHER DOES HE. I don't think he knows what it is. I've printed stuff off the net for him but he buries his head in the sand. DD isn't neglected, btw... she's doing exceptionally well at school and is very very intelligent, which is why he doesn't worry.

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CanAiry · 23/03/2007 12:20

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CadburyCremeSquonk · 23/03/2007 12:22

If the parents were married at the time she was born, he has parental responsibility. If they were not married at the time of her birth, then he would have had to apply for it, and presumably as he doesn't know, he didn't.

Hillary · 23/03/2007 12:23

If she's 9 and his name is on her birth certicficat I think that means he has automatic parental responsibility obviously she has residentcy. I wouldn't leave a 9 year old regularly until the early hours of the morning & dont know anyone else who would either. I know each child is different but she's still only 9.

Could your dp & his Xp not arrange for her to stay at yours the nights her mother has to go out? She may not like you but she has to think of the safety of her child.

Hard situation for you.

h. x

CanAiry · 23/03/2007 12:26

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CanAiry · 23/03/2007 12:26

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Zayna99 · 23/03/2007 12:27

DD can't stay at ours - she lives 300 miles away, plus the fact that she doesn't know dad has a girlfriend and is not allowed to know... I've only met her once and mother freaked out even though she'd agreed to the meeting. And he was never married to his ex. Didn't go with ex to register the birth and he doesn't know what's on the birth certificate...

If I say anything critical about the way his dd is being brought up, he says I'm just being bitchy. I can't win. Also, I've never had children, so he then says how can I possibly know what's best for them?

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snowwonder · 23/03/2007 12:29

poor thing how awful i am single mum with 9 year old, i dont get any time without her as she doesnt see her dad, but i wouldnt dream, of leaving her so i could go out,

the mother rates her needs much higher than dd, by saying dont have tele on etc when i have a hangover, she must be very lonely on a sunday if mum is in bed, how sad

does mum do things with her on other days?

how often does she stay with you?

and your partner should be glad you are wanting the best for his dd, most wouldnt

CadburyCremeSquonk · 23/03/2007 12:29

Does she come to stay with her dad during holidays?

And if so, what do you do? hide in the cupboard.

This situation cannot continue and you have to tell dp so. It seems to me that you are being more of a responsible parent than either of this little girl's natural ones.

starfairy · 23/03/2007 12:29

He doesn't know either by the sounds of it.

CanAiry · 23/03/2007 12:31

Message deleted

katzg · 23/03/2007 12:31

its not good the mother leaving the child, what will happen if Gran dies? at 89 that can't be too far into the future

Zayna99 · 23/03/2007 12:40

DP goes to visit her, sometimes they all meet halfway and spend a day or two in a hotel. DP thinks that because he was the one to leave, that he has no rights whatsoever. He creeps to his ex and daren't upset her in case she stops him from seeing his dd. And if I mention going to court, he goes mad and says that a judge will tell him (for example) that he can see his dd once a week, which he can't do because of the distance. He's a lovely man, but the type of person who knows best, always.

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starfairy · 23/03/2007 12:46

He needs to get a back bone where the x is concerned.

Knowing what he does it think he could call her bluff, if she tries to stop him seeing Dd

snowwonder · 23/03/2007 12:49

if it went to court the norm seems to be every other weekend, and half of hols.

if he got a contact order in place she would break it if she stopped contact,

he has got to deal with his guilt of leaving them and sort it out for the sake of his dd poor girl....

Cappuccino · 23/03/2007 12:54

god zayna were you the one on the thread a couple of weeks back with dp going off to a hotel for a few days and you not allowed to see the kid?

starfairy is right he needs to grow a spine. ffs this is his kid

from what I remember from your old thread he was not taking responsibility for anything in his life - not for the child, his access rights, or you (aren't you paying all the bills?)

if I were you and this really is as bad as you say I would call social services anonymously. they both need a kick up the backside

i would be so with this man. from what you have said before he is a complete waste of space

Zayna99 · 23/03/2007 13:05

Cappuccino, yes, that's me!

I'm not sure whether he wants to grow a backbone. I mean, he's never said this, but the way things are, he's got it quite cushty really... he can come and go as he pleases, isn't tied down to visiting at any particular time, doesn't have any responsibility other than taking his dd away for a few days a month and doing fun things with her. I think it suits him very nicely. Courts and judges would upset the applecart.

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Cappuccino · 23/03/2007 13:07

I think you obviously know him well

I don't know if you can do anything about his daughter but I would be seriously concerned about carrying on a relationship with someone so spineless

and someone who so little appreciates a partner's concern for his own child