What the hell do you do in this situation?

[Stormwhale]

When your 3 year old is behaving awfully and you have given choices and consequences and then they are throwing a mega tantrum and screaming and screaming at you until you feel your patience seriously running out after the morning from hell... all you want to do is walk away to get some space to breathe and calm yourself and they hang on to your leg and run screaming after you everywhere you go? Fucking hell.

I'm on my own with her all the time at the minute as dp is in hospital again. I know that is why her behaviour is shit, she is reacting to the situation, but that doesn't make it easier to handle.

All morning she was pushing boundaries and after repeatedly warning her that if she didn't behave herself then she would not be allowed to make cookies with me this afternoon. She continued so lost out on doing the cookies and just lost her shit. This resulted in a public tantrum that caused the entire workforce working on the roof of my building to stop and stare then once we got inside they were actually looking through the window to see what the fuck was happening.

I calmly told her what was happening (not making the cookies) and why, but she just got more and more irate. She was shoving at me, but at the same time screaming at me to cuddle her. I cuddled her, but I was seriously running out of patience and needed a minute to collect myself. She wouldn't give me even a second. I felt so angry after a bloody horrific morning and really needed to calm down so my interactions with her were helpful to the situation, but she just wouldn't let me even breathe.

What do I Do? Historically her behaviour is shit when her dad is in hospital, and it probably will continue to be this time. She is only three, she doesn't understand why her dad keeps leaving her like this and she is angry. Meanwhile I am trying to hold things together, take the brunt of her behaviour whilst being seriously worried about dp myself. Help?

This sounds ridiculously hard so first, for you and well done for handling it so well.

I don't have direct experience of your situation but do remember some advice I read that made sense to me- that things troubling children should be treated as 'soul fevers' and the same allowances made. So, e.g. If she had a high temperature and was being grotty and horrible but you knew it was because of a physical illness, what would you do? Snuggle up and watch some tv? Let her eat treat food? Make other allowances? You obvs can't do this every day and you need to deal with bad behaviour but it might make her feel more secure and able to deal with things?

Hopefully someone else will be along with other ideas.

it sounds so difficult but she's obviously very upset and confused. She probably feels insecure too.
Just spend lots of time with her. Lots of cuddles, talking gently, physical play contact.
I wouldn't punish her more by not baking biscuits.

The whole situation sounds very stressful for you, but I don't think it's the time to be giving a three year old choices and consequences. I'd be giving a three year old that was stressed about her dad being in hospital a treat not punishing her, tbh.

I think you'll both feel better if you bake the biscuits anyway. I hope your DH is comfortable. It is tough when you need a bit of breathing space and you can't get it (for yourself) but three years olds are pretty full on!

Full sympathies here - my 3.5 year old can flip from angel to devil in seconds, usually when she's tired or hungry (ah, she's definitely her mother's girl ).

I try to give her more cuddles and be extra kind and that can help, or making a joke out of what she's doing (like saying "what are you doing" on a funny voice with cartoon face) and that can help diffuse the situation sometimes.

Having said that, I've inherited my father's temper and when I feel I'm losing it, I have had to say to her that I need a break as the shouting/crying is upsetting me and I don't want to shout or be cross so I'm giving myself a time-out, which helps. I read that it can be good for children to see grown-ups have emotions too and if you explain how you are coping it can help three develop strategies themselves.

It's so tough though, and made much more difficult when you're coping on your own and you must be worried about your partner.

Sounds like you're doing a good job so sending hugs and hope everything gets better for you .

Thank you kiwi. You are right. It's just so hard to want to snuggle up with her at home when she is talking to me like shit and doing things she knows is completely put of order. For example this morning she smashed a pencil sharpener and threw the shavings all over the floor while I showered. I then cleaned it up, asked her to be more careful, gave her another sharpener and went to dry my hair. She then decided to sharpen the pencils all over the floor again. I didn't lose it.

She then decided to go and find her tights while I was brushing my teeth, despite me saying I would help her as soon as I had finished and decided to empty her whole chest of drawers out over her bedroom floor. I still didn't lose it.

We had to go out because I had a doctors appointment, but I thought she would like taking her new baby buggy out, so it would be ok. Nope she repeatedly rammed me in the back of the legs, nearly went in the road etc etc. Still didn't lose it.

The whole time she was talking to me like shit. I calmly reminded her to speak to me nicely.

I started to see red after the extreme public tantrum when she point blank refused to go up the stairs to come home. I was carrying bags plus the fucking you buggy so couldn't pick her up. Two workmen working on the intercom system were staring at this point too. The humiliation, plus the frustration from the whole morning combined to make me feel so cross. I very sternly told her to get upstairs, but she still wouldn't until I actually shouted at her. I don't like shouting at all.

Is 1.40pm too early for alcohol?

I'm in a very similar situation with my 3 year old who is very unsettled about the arrival of a new baby sister. Everything results in a mega-tantrum (even agreeing to whatever she's asked for!)

I am making the days as minimally resistant as possible so every morning we will go out and do something she'll definitely want to do (park, splashing in puddles, whatever) to drain her physical energy as much as possible.

Lunch is always something I know she'll eat (doesn't guarantee tantrum free but hey-ho)

The afternoons usually consist of painting (Tesco do paint sticks which look like glue sticks and she can't throw the paint all over the place which is great!) Or colourful bath bomb in the bath for an hour, or playing with her guitar or something. Then from whenever that finished to dinner is watching TV or reading. Then bed as early as she'll let me.

It is really really hard and you have my utmost sympathy. It won't be forever so don't beat yourself up about making allowances for her or taking the easy parenting route for a while.

Toy not you.

Thank you for the rest of the posts that I hadn't seen.

If you don't think it's the right time for punishments can I please ask how you would have dealt with the above? Dp is usually in hospital for weeks at a time, so it's not just a few days during which I could overlook shitty behaviour.

Oooh children can be really annoying can't they! Don't beat yourself up for shouting, sometimes we have nothing left. Firstly, I agree - next time, try to make the consequence immediate and make sense to a 3yo eg. I'll read you a story before we go out to the doctors, but if you mess around and don't get ready quickly we won't have time. It's a tough time for both of you - can you make showering time easier with iPlayer on a tablet or similar?

If you want a book recommendation, "how to talk so your kids will listen" is great but you might want to wait until your DP is back home so you have the energy to read it, let alone use the techniques

I'd be on the gin already by the sounds of that morning! joke sort of would a virtual one help?!

I think what grainfail said about it being good for kids to know we have emotional limits too is spot on.

It sounds like you both need a break-is there anyone you could visit to just have a change of scene and give you both a breather? You might not feel you have the energy to go out but I think you need to do something to change the mood a bit maybe? Or just make the cookies and eat them all.

Try not to focus on the behaviour. Look at what she was trying to do and why and address that.

It's so easy to think they are behaving badly when actually they are trying to learn a new skill or do something or get some attention.

Easier said than done I know. Sounds like you had lots of things to do today and she wasn't involved in them - could she have helped with things? Had jobs to do?

I am strong believer in hitting the reset button when things go awry - start the day again and decide to do something (go swimming, park, get a craft out) and start again. You aren't rewarding bad behaviour, you are changing the focus.

I can totally relate, my eldest child has v similar behaviour.
I've found that telling him to behave or X will happen didn't make any sense to him. What is behave?
I now try and tell him exactly what I would like him to do and throw heaps of praise on him when he does it.
Bad behaviour is pointed out and told it's not acceptable, but we move on quickly and distract with something positive.

In the case of the huge meltdown I would have put him in his room where I know he is safe and let him scream it out until he (and me) is calm enough to have a cuddle.

These things aren't overnight tricks but they have helped us in the long run. Good luck

To be honest I really don't want to go out and see people. It's a difficult situation with dp as he is mentally unwell. People don't know what to say and it's awkward. Tomorrow dd has preschool in the morning my mum will have dd in the afternoon (so i can visit dp) so I will have some space then.

This afternoon doesn't look as though it will be much better as the workers are currently doing the roof above dds bedroom and so there is no chance she will nap even though she really needs one still. The disruption with the works to the building has been going on for months and it really doesn't help at times like this. I feel utterly frazzled.

Just thought - the main tip from the book is to use words to describe how the child is feeling - both in tantrums eg. calmly say - "you are cross because you want to do x thing (massively unreasonable 3yo problem) but you can't" but also it might help her for you to say "I really miss Daddy when he's in hospital, and you do too" so she can articulate her anger better

Aw, sometimes I think they need a big run in with you. I don't think it's awful to lose your temper and shout, as long as it's not f-Ing and raging. It's ok to have an argument with them, you don't need to be saintly calm all the time.

I remember my Dc2 would push and push until I lost my temper, raised my voice, told him I was fed up with his behaviour and he could jolly well stay in his room until he could be nice.

Things were always better after we'd had a run in. Until the next one ...😀

Think of several things you can do at home your daughter is pretty much guaranteed to get excited about. Choose the 2 that are least exhausting and let her pick between them. Tomorrow is another day and at least offers some respite. You can do this!

I have no advice as I struggle similarly with my 3yr old. Particularly in the first half of the day.
Being heavily pregnant doesn't help either.
But I've heard similar things when friends had children this age, and they eventually stopped the behaviours. I know it's so hard, and I often feel I'm just waiting for the day to end.

It's probably because she doesn't have the vocabulary or experience to explain how she feels when her Dad's in hospital.
Ds2 was more than a handful at three. I got the book Raising a Spirited Child. It was really helpful and funny in places but it is practical and not judgemental. We got a squishy sensory ball for him to take his anger out on. He goes for time out and is allowed to punch a floor cushion or a favourite of his is ripping paper. Sometimes they have big feelings in little bodies. He's now very emotionally literate. He's 10 now.

I absolutely do not swear or rage at her no. What I find hard to handle is how angry I feel. I don't want to feel like that towards her, especially not now. I am teetering on the edge to be honest after over a year of watching dp go in and out of hospital. I just want dd and I to be loving and kind towards each other, but she is just so angry each time and obviously takes it out on me. Funnily enough when dp is around she only wants me, she is a serious mommy's girl. I guess she feels safe enough with me to let it all out, but again that doesn't make it easier to manage.

Mummy not mommy. I'm not American.

Gah you are giving me flashbacks OP

TBH I never really managed to find anything that consistently worked either but the phase did end. Sometimes I used to run and hide under the covers because he was just driving me so nuts - he would follow me and jump on my head I have learned some things since so this is what I've found out:

Lots and lots and lots of preparation so explaining in vvvv simple terms (try to stick to three word sentences) what's happening and in what order. Don't bother with time terms like in an hour, at 5 o'clock, etc, but in the afternoon, after lunch, after this, etc. Routine and ritual everywhere you can so it's familiar for her because three year olds love it when something that they predict comes true. You would think that they like surprises, but actually surprises often prove too much for them to handle, so if you want to offer a surprise make a trade off with some familiar/boring things. Also, little advanced warnings e.g. "Soon we'll be crossing the road. When we get to the road we have to hold hands." Now she can predict it, she'll be more likely to agree. When it's a surprise (because she can't generalise yet or predict very well) she is more likely to be resistant.

Have very low expectations (don't plan lots of ambitious activities) and set yourself up to win. The baby buggy was a good idea but it was possibly too much to add the buggy plus a doctor's trip. Try something like taking the buggy for a walk around the block where there's no extra goal, and develop a ritual or something familiar for necessary errands like the doctor's (perhaps you stop in the shop on the way back, or count all of the paving slabs on the road, or jump off a certain wall, count the steps up to the house, or she can press the crossing button.)

3 is not old enough yet to give extra chances without also adding safety rails. So e.g. with the sharpener, either stay with her to supervise and help, or don't give her another one at all. To pre empt things like taking all the tights out, don't expect her to wait patiently but give her a different, specific task to do while she waits for you.

With behaviour, a loose and vague target like "be good" is less helpful than something specific, small and easily reachable and the reward or penalty needs to be immediate (and can be small, even just a "well done!") too.

I have to run but can expand later if you like!

I told ds2 that I really loved him and he slapped me round the face so hard my glasses fell off. He was around three. They show their worst face to people they know will still love them.

And yes my anger used to frighten and surprise me and DS's anger was alarming too. It DOES pass. Remembering that the behaviour is not personal, it's just developmental and/or circumstantial helps. And ask for support. It's really hard dealing with it alone 24/7.

MrsB I think you are right. I don't blame her for having these huge feelings and I can completely see why she would. It's so much for a little one to understand. Her dad seems fine to her, then he suddenly disappears. How is she meant to understand that?

Thank you for the replies I'm trying to take it all on board.

We've all been there, and it's soul destroying. My approach.

Acknowledge why she is upset. So say 'I know you are tried/hungry/upset that daddy is away etc'. Give lots of hugs to reassure her that you love her.

Try to diffuse the situation by distracting, without pandering to her every whim. So if the tantrum is because you've (for example) said she can't have a new toy ( a regular one here) don't buy the toy, but do talk about something else positive that is happening later.

Carry snacks. Many a tantrum has been diffused here by a handful of crackers or biscuit. My two can be horrible when they are hungry.

Avoid alluding to punishments at the moment as her behaviour is routed in fear around your DHs illness. She's acting out because she is worried and stressed not because she is a bad child.

Allow her downtime. If she is very upset and tired a short period of CBeebies or similar will help. Screen time is often frowned upon but I find it invaluable for resetting the mood, and then when everyone is calm we carry on with the day.

Outside exercise - lots of it. Be silly with her, laughing lightens the mood.

On my worst day I had both mine screaming in the street for 45 mins. I ended up carrying the 2 year old (kicking and screaming) while pushing the 4 year old (also kicking and screaming) in the pram as neither would walk. This was virtually impossible up a steep hill. Numerous people stopped to symathise, but noone could actually do anything to help, and I ended up bursting into tears in front of complete stranger. I can laugh about it now

Thank you Bertie for the specific ideas for how to handle different behaviour. That's what I need right now, some things I can pull out of the bag when I am frazzled.

I have now got a proper migraine coming on so I'm going to stop looking at my phone and take some aspirin in the hope it will shift. It's getting a bit hard to read with the blank spots in my vision. Thank you very much though.