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Parenting

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Original poster

HOW MUCH TO TELL THEIR MOTHER?

41 replies

user1498329421 · 24/06/2017 19:42

Hi, first post as I have a question.

I am a single dad with two girls, five and six, who I have every weekend more or less. I am separated from their mother and nearly through the divorce.

My question is, how much of my personal life away from the children do you think I am obliged to tell my estranged wife about as a matter of courtesy and good communication?

I ask as I recently took two days off work during the week, to spend some leisure time without my children and to stay overnight with a friend around 15 miles away.

My estranged wife was disappointed that I did not inform her that I would be away from my home overnight.

I didn't really think it was necessary or needed to tell her but I would be interested to have other opinions on this from a neutral perspective and to help maintain good relations?

Thx
Chris

OP posts:

toffeeboffin · 24/06/2017 19:43

Who looked after her kids whilst you were gone?

Isadora2007 · 24/06/2017 19:45

I don't think you have to tell her anything that doesn't affect the children.
She sounds quite controlling.
It is perfectly okay for you to have a life of your own. Out of respect I guess a significant relationship should be mentioned if and when that happens, if she is going to meet your children. But dating and leisure activities are none of her business.

kimlo · 24/06/2017 19:46

their mother I would assume since it was during the week.

Why would you need to tell her that? If my ex told me that I would think it was odd, ot's not my buisness.

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OlennasWimple · 24/06/2017 19:47

I think it's courteous to share the big stuff (change of job, new serious relationship) and stuff that has a direct impact on her / the DC (moving house, death or illness in the family). Otherwise you might mention in conversation that you have been away, but unless you are going overseas or will be non-contactable for a significant period of time, your personal life is personal.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 24/06/2017 19:47

How did she find out?

I'd keep everything on a 'need to know' basis.

Assuming she can contact you in an emergency then it's no biggie.

Eggandchipsfortea93 · 24/06/2017 19:49

I agree, your personal life is not her business anymore, except where it affects your children. I guess the only thing is to make sure you can be reached on your mobile for emergencies, or to tell her if you know you'll be unreachable for a few days (otherwise, if she tries to let you know when something happens to one of the DCs and can't, she may treat that as justification for not letting you know in future).

StupidSlimyGit · 24/06/2017 19:51

my personal life away from the children
Just highlighting the key part of your post there, if it has no effect on your DDs she doesn't need to know.

The only thing I would say is that I presume she has a mobile number she could have called if there was an emergency with one of your DDs? If you were going to be unavailable on your mobile then I think she should know enough to have an alternative contact number incase of emergencies.

DancingLedge · 24/06/2017 19:51

Did she say why she felt a need to know?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 24/06/2017 19:53

I travel more than 15 miles to work leaving the DCs at school! Sounds unnecessary to inform her unless you had no mobile signal.

blueskyinmarch · 24/06/2017 19:53

Of course you don't need to tell her stuff like this. It is none of her business what you do and where you go when you don't have your children with you.

Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 24/06/2017 19:56

I like to know when exDH is out of the country in case there is an emergency with one of the DC's. Other than that I don't really know a lot about how he spends his time when he doesn't have the kids.

peukpokicuzo · 24/06/2017 19:59

When the children are with you then within reason it is kind and appropriate to keep her informed of what is going on - but with an expectation that she should likewise keep you reasonably informed of what goes on for the kids when they are with her. Not vast amounts of detail but some.

Neither of you have any obligation to keep each other informed about what you do in time when the kids are not with you - except inasmuch as it is appropriate to inform the other if either of you starts getting serious in a new relationship, and should agree mutually how to handle introductions of kidd to new partners. I know that's irrelevant to your current question, I mention it as the only exception I can think of to the general rule that what you do in your own time when the kids aren't with you is none of her business.

Starlight2345 · 24/06/2017 20:04

YANBU...

I think it is worth working out the boundries...I echo the question..How did she find out? is she on your social media. If so remove her.

You need to inform her of anything that affect the kids nothing else.

Original poster

user1498329421 · 25/06/2017 11:36

Thank you all for your quick and helpful replies.

I left the initial question as neutral as possible but as some of you may have surmised there was other information I could have shared.

She rang me early afternoon to tell me that she wasn't feeling very well and to see if I could pick the girls up from the school; I couldn't very well answer at the time (scrambling over rocks on a beach!!) so I only saw her WhatsApp message an hour or two later.

I replied at that point that I was away until the following evening but it was at this point that she got angry. She has now apparently deleted my contact off my phone and stopped this weekend's visit from my girls.

I think she is being ridiculous, but she insists that my behaviour and lack of communication is unacceptable. But I wanted some neutral opinion.

OP posts:

TitaniasCloset · 25/06/2017 11:42

I think she is being really unfair. She is now punishing the children too by cancelling contact just because she couldn't get hold of you immediately. This about her jealousy and controlling behavior. You can't play games with a child's contact.

Love51 · 25/06/2017 11:44

Are you usually available for school pick up? Or would you normally be working? If you are usually available she probably just felt a bit pissed off that you weren't there when she needed you.
I think so long as there is someone who knows where you are and could contact her in the unlikely event that you got injured / held up then your obligations are fulfilled. I'm more familiar with rigid contact arrangements, because then you all know where you stand, and aren't blown about by the wind if the other person's annoying change in plans. Some people manage lax / varied arrangements well, but it does seem to be a source of stress.

Original poster

user1498329421 · 25/06/2017 14:18

@Love51 I am not normally available for a school pickup, no. I am almost always in work Mon Fri.

But she was aware I was on annual leave on that day, as I was able to have the girls overnight and take them to school in the morning.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1498329421 · 25/06/2017 14:20

@DancingLedge
She said that it would be 'normal' for a person to tell the other parent that I would be away. No further reason than that.

OP posts:

thereallochnessmonster · 25/06/2017 14:22

She's being ridiculous, childish and controlling. No reason at all you should tell her where you're going when you don't have the DC.

BandeauSally · 25/06/2017 14:25

You don't have to tell her anything about your personal life that doesn't affect your contact with your children. As it wasn't your usual day to have the children then she can't be mad that you weren't available at short notice to collect them. If you usually work mon-fri then she must have realised that you booked a few days off for a reason rather than just to sit at home and watch TV.

She is being totally unreasonable to prevent contact this weekend. Tell her you will be arriving to collect the children as normal.

Is there a contact order in place or is it just by a mutual agreement between you?

BandeauSally · 25/06/2017 14:27

If mon-fri are usually her contact days then she needs to have a back up childcare plan in place for when she is sick and can't look after them. She could ask you if you want to be the back up which would mean you being available but as you work mon-fri it's not really viable outside of emergencies.

Original poster

user1498329421 · 25/06/2017 14:31

@BandeauSally
No it's by mutual agreement, which normally works fine.

She didn't actually tell me that she had unilaterally decided that the girls wouldn't be coming down to me on Friday evening as normal. I only surmised this as when I was messaging her to say I would pick the girls up as normal, (a) I could see I was blocked on WhatsApp and she wasn't responding to any SMS texts, and (b) her previous track record in this regard.

OP posts:

BandeauSally · 25/06/2017 14:37

Ok so you need to find a way to contact her and let her know you will be there as normal on Friday. If she argues that you won't, state again that you will be there on Friday at normal time and then dont engage anymore. If you can email her then even better as you have it in writing. Then no matter what she says between now and Friday, make sure you turn up on time for them. Even if she says they wont be there. Turn up, wait 30 minutes. Call/email/text to say you have arrived for contact and the children aren't here so you are heading home and expect to hear from her what time they will be available for contact. If she doesn't make them available, go and speak to your solicitor about getting a formal arrangement.

Somerville · 25/06/2017 14:41

Oh hang on, the further information makes a difference.

You weren't contactable in an emergency and she is unimpressed by that.
I tend to agree with her - I get instant notification of phone messages (on my Fitbit - I wear it primarily for that purpose) in case of emergencies with my children.
While I was a lone parent, when I was travelling and wouldn't be able to respond to an emergency I made sure my children's other emergency contact (as they didn't have another living parent) knew so that they could respond if necessary.
So don't think it's wrong for her to want to know if you're too far away to respond on an emergency. (But she doesn't need to know where that is or for what purpose.)
I suppose you need to let her and your Dc's schools know that you don't want to be an emergency contact outside of your regular contact hours if you disagree. (Would you really want that to be someone other than you?)

However her stopping you having the Dc this weekend isn't right, or course.

Original poster

user1498329421 · 25/06/2017 14:54

@BandeauSally
Thx, good advice!

OP posts:

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