HOW MUCH TO TELL THEIR MOTHER?

[user1498329421]

Hi, first post as I have a question.

I am a single dad with two girls, five and six, who I have every weekend more or less. I am separated from their mother and nearly through the divorce.

My question is, how much of my personal life away from the children do you think I am obliged to tell my estranged wife about as a matter of courtesy and good communication?

I ask as I recently took two days off work during the week, to spend some leisure time without my children and to stay overnight with a friend around 15 miles away.

My estranged wife was disappointed that I did not inform her that I would be away from my home overnight.

I didn't really think it was necessary or needed to tell her but I would be interested to have other opinions on this from a neutral perspective and to help maintain good relations?

Thx
Chris

Op am I right to guess that you were away with a new partner?

I am guessing that perhaps she knew that and wanted to ensure you didn't spend the night with her, using your children as a tool. When that didn't work, she chose to punish you.

It may be worth getting a formal contact order in place.

@Somerville
It really wasn't an emergency, but I suppose the point still applies that it could have been.

I was contactable, however. And I could see her call come up on my watch. I suppose not replying to her ASAP exacerbated her anxiety and uncertainty, but as stated I wasn't able to take the call when it came through. And when I saw her WhatsApp message not long after her call it became clear that it wasn't an emergency and so I only contacted her back later on.

I guess you are right in that a little more zealous consideration and communication on my part, before and after, would have avoided at least some of the agro.

TBH you could have been uncontactable at work for an hour or two due to being in a meeting or something, so I still don't think it's relevant what your plans were. Being temporarily uncontactable during the day happens in '2 parents together' families as well, but without the vitriol I guess. If it was my turn to do school pickup and I was ill I might txt DH to see if he could do it, if no reply in time or he couldn't then I would somehow get there or make other arrangements.

@LondonStill83
I have to say you could very well be correct in that assessment, and this had entered my mind also and coloured my handling of the situation!

My ex unexpectedly dropped something off to my house on Friday. Because he saw my car and couldnt get a response he phoned the school to ask if our child had been collected from the school minibus.

As it happened I was at an event where phones were turned off, I had arranged for a responsible person to collect child from minibus, the minibus would still have been in transit at the time the phone call was made to school. He didnt contact me at all via any means available to him (ie text, phone, email etc). He didnt call the secondary contact number. I hadnt told my ex that I had social plans because he didnt need to know my personal business. He caused a lot of people worry by making a fake concern call.

Some people will go to extraordinary lengths to know stuff that is none of their business. If your ex was too ill to pick up and she couldnt get hold of you, she needed to make alternative arrangements for collection. Sometimes in court hearings there is a first refusal arrangement. I dont have that in place and neither do you by the sounds of it, so either of you can make what arrangements you see fit when the children are with you.

She has over-reacted. But likewise if you have to ask her to pick up on your collection day you wont have to mind if she is not available and you dont know the reason.

Does she work too?

I am a single parent and my sons see their father once a month as he lives some distance away. It is extraordinarily hard to work full time and be back at after school club every day. If you could share this with her perhaps your relationship would improve. I have days when I feel very resentful of the fact that it is my career that suffers and that I pick up 100% of the child related chores whilst they go off and have fun weekends with their dad.

I also don't have the time, funds or energy to go off on solo weekends without the kids. Could this be it, do you think?

Anyway, to answer your question I have no contact with my ex other than to discuss handovers. I have no interest in knowing and as he is so far away it wouldn't help in any way to know if he could be avsilable in an emergency.

@Temporaryanonymity
She doesn't work, no - she finished her job as a nurse due to ill health.

She does, of course, do much of the heavy lifting in raising our children, doing the routine stuff, getting them to school, etc. and deserves a lot of credit for doing this.

But equally, I think that she doesn't acknowledge that almost every single weekend I have the children (I do live very close, of course, so it is no effort) allowing her the weekend for leisure (household chores permitting). I don't really follow what she is up to but I know from little snippets that she maintains a social life as well.

I think she does resent the fact that she does the routine things and I have two days a week leisure time with the girls, though. The caveat being she has just as much opportunity as me to spend quality time with the girls, of course.

Well, it is good that you acknowledge that. If she doesn't work then I guess she does get a bit of quality time with them.

She must be pretty ill though to have finished work through ill health. Perhaps you need to have a conversation about sharing the load more?

I think that's why every other weekend is more usual. I think it's an adjustment period. She's being unreasonable but she's probably not used to you not being available.

I do think it's important that you both get decent weekend time with DCs and that you do some school nights and take a share of the homework/getting organised. Perhaps you both need to re-think your pattern a bit? I would loathe only getting the school nights if I was single again and only doing weekends is just playing at parenting in some ways (no offence intended)

If you live so close then it might be better to have an arrangement where you have the children on one or two weekdays/nights so that she isn't just doing the grunt work and is getting some weekend time with her children.

@BandeauSally
Yes, I think you may be right and I've been thinking on this a lot today. I think it's good advice and might be good for both of us.

However, up until now, at least, she has never shown any sign of wanting to have the girls on the weekend unless it is Mother's Day or a (her) family event. It has always been fairly consistently "you have them on the weekend as you are not in work then and I need a break. Also, that you are a crap dad during the week."

So we've been fairly antagonistic, unfortunately. Time to change that.

Well you will only know by asking her whether it's something she would like. She may not. She may be happy as it is and if you are too then no problem.

I agree a better balance is needed between which of you get the "I can't find my shoes/brush your teeth NOW or we will be late" mornings and which the lazy relaxed ones. A system where sometimes you have them Sunday to Tuesday or Wednesday to Friday rather than always Friday to Sunday would be better,so long as you can accommodate keeping on any after school activities that they are used to.

What does she mean by "crap dad during the week"? I know it's hard taking care of a kid after work when you're tired but that's definitely something to work on. I think the current schedule is going to cause resentment. Also, what are you guys thinking of doing during the summer holidays? I mean, you don't have to answer but just have a think about schedules and visitation and consider how you can get a good balance that works well for everyone.

How long have you been separated?