Horrible guilt about breastfeeding

[Harper67]

Hello,

Mum not quite sure what I'm after, maybe just to unload.

My beautiful baby girl is just 4 weeks old. I had quite a traumatic induction ending in back to back labour and emergency forceps delivery. She had pretty bad cuts and bruising to her face/jaw from the forceps but it seemed to heal quickly. Breastfeeding was a nightmare from the start, DD was unable to open her mouth wide enough to latch properly and I was in the hospital a few nights hand expressing colostrum and trying to get her to latch. Eventually she did but it was incredibly painful.

Once I got home and my milk started coming in she fed constantly, I tried nipple shields to no avail. My nipple cracked, bled badly, turned black and over a few days peeled off in big lumps of scabs. After a return trip to the hospital I was advised to express and top up with formula where necessary as baby wasn't getting enough milk. They checked her latch and said it was good and there was no tongue tie. So after a few days I tried nursing again, a NcT consultant came to my house and I visited 3 different local breast feeding groups. Each time DD latched it was agony and my nipple would bleed straight away.

Since then I have been offering the breast each day but pumping and topping up with formula at each feed.

I was recommended visiting a local cranial osteopath. They osteopath straight away pointed out the fact that babies jaw/face was still swollen from the forceps and she couldn't turn her head properly one way (feel awful for not noticing this myself). She started work on improving her alignment an forcep damage but said babies damage was particularly bad. We've now just had our second osteopath appointment and they have confirmed that they think she has some significant tissue damage around her jaw and it's likely to take months to heal and therefore improving her latch is not likely to be possible in time to return to breastfeeding. In the mean time DD has turned from a little angel to an agitated, kicking, screaming nightmare after each feed. The health visitor thinks is reflux and a lactose free formula may be a good idea.

My husband is now back at work and I am finding it impossible to feed and then pump for her next feed as she will not settle and be put down meaning I'm having to give more formula.

Basically I feel horrific at not being able to breast feed her. I feel like I am missing out on important bonding time and like I am not doing the best for my baby. Is there any one out there who had gone through the same thing? I am very close to just accepting I need to switch to exclusive formula feeding for my own sanity but I cannot shake the feeling of guilt. I'm terrified of going out and having to feed her in public and people starting at me or judging. Any advice would be very welcome!

you poor thing. No real words of wisdom for you I'm afraid, but you have both been through so much in the last few weeks. Please be good to yourself and try not to feel guilty. Most people who stop BF have not struggled to the extent that you have - you have given it your best shot, tried everything and it does sound like you are at the end of the road. Get some bottles in and enjoy your beautiful baby xx

Oh lovely. Listen to me. If your HV - and remember, HVs are the absolute poster boys for breastfeeding, they're practically breast-bots -- believes lactose free formula would be best, go for lactose free formula. No guilt. You have persevered and persevered, now it's time to feed your baby something else and enjoy her!

Oh sweetheart. I absolutely, 100% understand how you're feeling. I went through similar guilt with DD, who I FF from 6 weeks.

You have done enough. You really, really have. Formula is not poison - and dairy free formula is a specialist kind. The HV wouldn't be recommending it lightly, particularly as often people end up with it on prescription.

To be honest - I've had people judge me for BFing and people judge me for FFing. However, the people who mattered didn't judge, and the people who judged didn't matter.

Nobody will judge you, I rarely see other mothers breastfeeding in public! If they do then they're an arse and their opinion holds no weight.

Please see this study as it shows that although there are benefits of breastfeeding, the benefits and differences between children disappear by the age of 5 so you are not disadvantaging your child for life by feeding them formula.

You have to think that your lo has had the best milk at the beginning. She has had the colostrum and 4 weeks worth of breast milk which is so much more than other people manage and will give her a good start. Now you have to think of the bigger picture. There is nothing wrong with formula it is still good enough and there will be other benefits. Your love and time will more than make up. Have you spoken to anyone in rl about how you are feeling? Some people suffer from post traumatic stress after a difficult labour and delivery and it is important to look after yourself.

Sounds like you have both been through such an ordeal you have nothing to feel guilty for.. fed is best!
I felt awful when my twins lost too much of their birth weight and we have had to top up with formula but they love ir and are doing so much better. You have to do what works for your family xxxz

Not as bad as you but I also had a traumatic delivery and DS was on neonatal unit for a week with head trauma and also found it very painful to feed. I also desperately tried to persevere with expressing, and top ups, and offering breast at each feed and it's just bloody exhausting when you're already so tired you can't see.

It's such an individual decision and I think the desire to breastfeed can be very very strong. It's a head/heart decision I think. My DS has been on formula since 2 weeks old, then lactose free from 6 weeks and he's doing so well now at 18 weeks old I can't believe I ever felt it was an issue.

If you take the decision to stop BF you will feel better about it, I promise, but the first few days of stopping are hormonal and in my experience, when the mum guilt really kicks in. Be kind to yourself and remember the MN mantra - this too will pass.

If you want to carry on breastfeeding, I think you will need specialist support from an IBCLC. This website will narrow your search.

www.lcgb.org/find-an-ibclc/

It would probably also be worth talking to the La Leche League. Phone their helpline to get a local contact.

You poor poor thing . Give yourself a break. What anyone else thinks of you does not matter . You have practically broken yourself trying to do it . There's nothing wrong with bottle feeding and certainly not in your circumstance.

What stargirl said. Have a word with LLL and/or an IBCLC.

You poor thing - sounds like a traumatic delivery.

Look, you do whatever you need to to get you as a mum-baby duo through this. If that means exclusively bottle feeding then do it. And feel no guilt at all - your job as a parent is to respond to the baby you have and the needs they have - you have injuries to deal with and they need to be accommodated. If formula is the way to do that then that's what you do. Pumping is exhausting and having a newborn is tiring enough. You don't need anyone's permission to stop breastfeeding - you are responding to the needs of your child and that's what being a good parent to a newborn is about.

I'm all for breastfeeding, don't get me wrong. But I really hate the guilt and shaming we see daily - I've had people express horror I was weaning my son and express horror I was still breastfeeding him. On the same day. Utterly fucking insane.

Do what's best for both of you - she's had the colostrum and a few weeks of BM and that's fabulous. At some point the benefit of more BM is outweighed by the negative effects of you being shattered from pumping - that's when you reassess and think about what's best for both of you.

Good luck. Ours had a similar screamy demon stage too - at that point their guys are firing up and developing. What helped us a bit was probiotic drops, and learning how to wind him really well (leg bicycling.)

You need big hugs and some real life support.

You're doing brilliantly

Motherhood is full of guilt and difficult decisions. You just have to make a decision you feel works for you. Please try not to worry if you can't breastfeed; you can bond in exactly the same way by cuddling up together during a feed or whenever. A sling might be a nice way to be close too, plus it's really comforting for newborns and they sleep so well in them.

My DD cried after feeds at this age (breastfed). I found infacol sorted it out, so worth a try! You can get it on prescription.

If you want to keep persevering with breastfeeding, I can also highly recommend la leche league. Plus try nipple shields. I used them to help when my nipples were in agony and didn't have any bad effects. Lansinoh cream after every feed, nipple shells to air nipples between feeds. Also worth gp checking for thrush.

Unfortunately what @GummyGoddess says isn't true. People will judge, they will judge you on this and every single aspect of bringing your child up. BUT and that is a massive but they have no right to - you know you and your child and providing you are doing what you and medicinal professionals think is right for your child then it is right.

Ignore the views of others - you are always going to come across people (mainly faceless ones on Internet forums) who say you've harmed your baby by not breast feeding until the age of 3 but you will also come across many others who either gave up or didn't / couldn't BF who have healthy happy babies.

Your baby - your choice - follow your instincts and you and baby will be just fine x

Sounds like you're doing absolutely amazingly. I'm pro breastfeeding but to have battled on in the circumstances you have is incredible. You should be VERY VERY proud of yourself. Totally agree with Anatidae and if you do want to carry on at the moment then would also recommend IBCLC.

Oh gosh OP. That sounds incredibly stressful and you are doing an amazing job! Already discovered that you are Super Mum! The most important thing is that you love your little girl and she sounds gorgeous. Sorry got to run as my own little chap is waking up soon. Hugs! X

Unfortunately the only judgement on feeding I've seen in public was directed at me breastfeeding. Apparently I put people off their dinner because I was walking around with dc in a sling in the supermarket while doing it. If it wasn't me feeding I would have had judgement on the screaming child, some people are just arsey.

I really haven't seen any judgement on bottle feeding, even at weigh in the health visitors have been really supportive of the mums doing it, as supportive as they are to the breastfeeding ones.

Obviously I'm not saying it doesn't happen, just that I have not yet seen any and dc is 8 months now.

Went through very similar with DS except the guilt made me struggle for 8 weeks making myself physically and mentally ill. I carried the guilt for years. But DS grew and thrived and was loving and clever and active.

He remembers things like his favourite dinners, his calamitous accidents and his mum being there, being picked for teams, choosing to play the flute, birthday parties, grabbing in Cornwall and drinking warm beer on French beaches at midnight and possibly being chased off by the local gendarmes. So many memories, so much fun, none if if anything to do with breast or bottle.

They remember love op. All will be well. Put this behind you - it really isn't the be all and end all.

Good luck.

Oh gosh, poor you. That's a lot to deal with. We were on breast, formula and express when our DD was born (emcs after failed induction) due to initial weight loss. It's hard, a very punishing schedule.
We used nipple shields fot a while so can second them.
We are still mix feeding and it works for us. It means her dad can be involved as well and she is happy and fed.
So what's best for you and your daughter. Ignore every one else. PPs are right that whatever you do, everyone has an opinion. My family accuse me of 'spoiling' our daughter by feeding on demand. Apparently i should put her in her crib at the same time every day and she will learn to go to sleep (she's 8 weeks).
Do what's best for the 2 of you and enjoy her.

^do not so

That sound so horrible, wishing you a massive hug.
Please try to be less harsh on your self.

Look around you and see all the formula fed babies with fantastic bonding, and loving mums who are thriving.

You are right, your sanity is really important here, your baby will do better if you feel happier, which it sound like you would if you give up the breastfeeding. Nobody should be expected to go through the level of pain that feeding gives you.

Get a sling, that way she can be close to you, and will settle better. Don't worry about " making a rod for your back ", or" spoilng her". my daughter would not be put down for the first 10 months, and is now an adventurous happy high achieving year 8.

The one thing I wish I could have known with my first born is STOP TRYING TO BE PERFECT. It can feel like you can never get it right for babies, but remind yourself that it's all a phase, it will pass, she will be different.
Try to get some adult company, and spend at last a few minutes a day doing something for you.
Cut as many corners as you can, ready meals etc.
Express how you are feeling to your oh, I remember giving myself a hard time because I was expecting to enjoy motherhood, and I felt traumatised by the birth, and like I was drowning. That all improved when with the help of a therapist ,I was able to stop fighting with my experience, and admit to myself was struggling and that that was ok.

Sorry I've rambled, I am about to go out, but I wanted to reply.
So take some deep breaths op, and your mantra is " this too will pass "
X

I combination fed for a month but as I did nothing apart from sit on the sofa and feed or express and my ds still took a whole bottle of formula after an hours feed I gave up. Best thing I ever did. We were both so much happier. I did feel sad but fed is best, however its done. Big hugs, OP x