Horrible guilt about breastfeeding

[Harper67]

Hello,

Mum not quite sure what I'm after, maybe just to unload.

My beautiful baby girl is just 4 weeks old. I had quite a traumatic induction ending in back to back labour and emergency forceps delivery. She had pretty bad cuts and bruising to her face/jaw from the forceps but it seemed to heal quickly. Breastfeeding was a nightmare from the start, DD was unable to open her mouth wide enough to latch properly and I was in the hospital a few nights hand expressing colostrum and trying to get her to latch. Eventually she did but it was incredibly painful.

Once I got home and my milk started coming in she fed constantly, I tried nipple shields to no avail. My nipple cracked, bled badly, turned black and over a few days peeled off in big lumps of scabs. After a return trip to the hospital I was advised to express and top up with formula where necessary as baby wasn't getting enough milk. They checked her latch and said it was good and there was no tongue tie. So after a few days I tried nursing again, a NcT consultant came to my house and I visited 3 different local breast feeding groups. Each time DD latched it was agony and my nipple would bleed straight away.

Since then I have been offering the breast each day but pumping and topping up with formula at each feed.

I was recommended visiting a local cranial osteopath. They osteopath straight away pointed out the fact that babies jaw/face was still swollen from the forceps and she couldn't turn her head properly one way (feel awful for not noticing this myself). She started work on improving her alignment an forcep damage but said babies damage was particularly bad. We've now just had our second osteopath appointment and they have confirmed that they think she has some significant tissue damage around her jaw and it's likely to take months to heal and therefore improving her latch is not likely to be possible in time to return to breastfeeding. In the mean time DD has turned from a little angel to an agitated, kicking, screaming nightmare after each feed. The health visitor thinks is reflux and a lactose free formula may be a good idea.

My husband is now back at work and I am finding it impossible to feed and then pump for her next feed as she will not settle and be put down meaning I'm having to give more formula.

Basically I feel horrific at not being able to breast feed her. I feel like I am missing out on important bonding time and like I am not doing the best for my baby. Is there any one out there who had gone through the same thing? I am very close to just accepting I need to switch to exclusive formula feeding for my own sanity but I cannot shake the feeling of guilt. I'm terrified of going out and having to feed her in public and people starting at me or judging. Any advice would be very welcome!

I never breastfed my baby. I'd never have felt comfortable doing it in public. No one has ever made a comment to me, and I still have a great bond with my baby. No one has ever commented about how breast is best or any of the other stuff people spout.
Can you continue to pump and ff? Would that be an option for you?
If bf isn't working for you. Don't worry. Doesn't mean your a failure.

oP im a big breastfeeding promoter but you need to look after yourself here. Your baby had colostrum and some breast milk in the key early days and weeks. Parenthood is a huge journey and looking back in a year or two this will seem so much less important. The vast majority of babies in the uk are formula fed not breastfed.

I bf mt babies and have never ever had a judgemental thought about formula. In fact I found bf agonising and if it hadnt clicked for me when it did I would have given up.

Just like giving birth every experience is different. I would switch to formula.

Also i have always thought pumping is the worst of all worlds as you have to feed Nd pump which doubles up all your efforts.

Your baby needs a rested mummy so please stop pumping and sleep when the baby sleeps x

OP good luck! It's a horribly stressful time and I've been through a similar experience. Although now with a nearly 2 year old, I look back and wonder why I was so upset by it all as no one can tell which toddler was bf and which was ff. My DS is very bright and healthy.

What worked for us was accepting that bf wasn't working out and that formula was his main food. I then expressed when I could and every 3rd bottle or whatever was bm. Eventually I just gave up on the expressing and it dwindled down to one bottle a day and then by 4 months we were fully on formula.

Sounds similar to me apart from the traumatic delivery. I pumped for 3 months exclusively. It

...badly affected my mental health and contributed to pnd. I wish someone had said it's ok to stop now and switch to formula. What's best for baby is what's best for you. Give yourself a break. It took me ages to get over it but I look back now and wish I had been able to enjoy those first few months with my little girl, time i will not get back, rather than the cinstant stress and guilt. There is absolutely no shame in switching to formula if that's what is right for you.

Oh and I've had absolutely zero judgement for bottle feeding- none.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. I failed dismally at breastfeeding DS. He was nearly readmitted to hospital at a week old as he'd lost so much weight, and I panicked and changed to ff. He is now a ridiculously healthy, bright happy 9 year old, and how he was fed as a baby is completely irrelevant. It really doesn't matter as much as it feels like it does at the moment.

Guilt like this is just awful. You presumably want to do what is best your baby and family, like the rest of us. And in this case, it is pretty clear that breastfeeding only isn't a viable option and might even be harmful for your baby with the intolerance issue. So circumstances have evolved and the way you feed your baby changes. As long as that baby is fed and loved, that is the very best for her.

I am worried though about the osteopath. I think they are almost entirely quacks and if your child has birth injuries, they should be under the care and treatment of a paediatrician, not an alternative health person with dubious qualifications. If you are worried, please bring the baby to your GP for assessment and ask for referral as appropriate. No way would I allow a minimally qualified randomer with no professional duty of care to diagnose and then perform movements on a newborn. Either the baby is injured and needs proper medical care. Or she isn't injured at all - I would be willing to bet the osteopath has never ever seen a baby that they said requires no treatment from them.

Well done on tackling this awful and unnecessary guilt. Congratulations on your new baby.

A bit extreme to say an osteopath is a randomer. Although it's a complementary medicine they are regulated under UK law in the same way as a medical doctor is. I know many parents who believe it has helped their babies after brutal forceps deliveries. I'm not advocating it but saying they have no duty of care is completely wrong and possibly frightening to the op.

Please read back your post and ask what advice you would give a dear friend who was in the same position. Would you tell her to carry on breastfeeding at all costs? Of course not. You and your baby have had a real tough ordeal and you've given it more than your best shot.

I know about the huge feelings of guilt as I really struggled with BFing my first. It's ok not to BF, it's not always best for mum and baby. Give yourself permission to formula feed if that's what you choose. Parenting is a long journey and this is just a tiny part of it which has no bearing on anything in the long term.

Be kind to yourself whatever you decide.

One last thing. I know LLL offer great advice but some of the counsellors seem to advocate BFing at any costs. So there is a risk that seeking out their advice could make you feel worse which is what happened in my case.

Congratulations on the birth of your little girl. My advice is to make the right decision for you and if that is formula, then it is your business and nobody else's. Remember when you go to any baby groups or places with other mums and babies that stats in this country show the majority of them are likely to be combination or formula feeding.

Don't worry about bonding time. I loved (and still love) formula feeding my son. It's a lovely, calm, relaxing thing to do - we spend a lot of time gazing at one another and I talk to him as well. It's just lovely and completely stress and pain free. Enjoy it

I just wanted to say thank you so much for all the supportive lovely messages, they have made such a difference. I finally decided to reduce my expressing to twice a day and formula feed my baby girl. It's only been 24 hours but I already feel like a new person, so much more relaxed and happy.

Being able to get a bit more sleep has helped me put things into perspective better and I know you are all right when you say that I need to be happy in order for her to be happy, she already seems like a more contented baby.

Thank you for all taking the time to reply, it is really appreciated.

Fantastic decision. Hope you both go from strength to strength!!