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Parenting

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Original poster

child abuse

27 replies

allcoveredup · 19/03/2007 09:35

Strong words but that's what happened this morning. I don't care about me v.much atm but I'm afraid I've lost my dc's love, trust, respect & have now screwed them up in much the same way as I myself was screwed up. I lost it with them this morning, hit one repeatedly, pushed the other, all because the little one (3.6)won't/can't put his shoes & coat on without help. I hate myself so much that I want to hurt myself, end myself but realise this would harm dc even more. I need help.

OP posts:

crispyduck · 19/03/2007 09:37

Get help....you recognise their is a problem, thats a start

Hulababy · 19/03/2007 09:40

Please get help for yourself - today.

You have taken a big step - you have acknowledged their is a problem. For your sake, and especially that of your children, you need professional help. I hope you can get the support you need.

anorak · 19/03/2007 09:41

It really is hard to handle when they fanny about and make you late for school etc, isn't it? My DS did the same thing this morning.

Please remember you are not your mother and your child does not feel the same way you did. You are right to seek help, repeatedly hitting your child is something you can't allow to happen again. But you're not going to allow it, are you? Do you have help and support from a partner/husband and or family members? Looking after small children is very wearing on the nerves and you need breaks. How is everyday life for you?

And your own childhood - it sounds like you still bear the emotional scars. Have you been able to receive any counselling/therapy for this? I'm certain this would help you. If you went to your GP and told him/her what had happened surely they would want to help you?

kando · 19/03/2007 09:44

You need to get help. Make an appointment with your GP and see if s/he can give you any information on anger management or something. Sorry, not much help but I couldn't not respond to your thread. I know how difficult it is trying to get the kids ready in the morning, and lots of times I find myself shouting at them to get ready (and shouting at them generally, actually!) It's very easy for someone else to say "take a step back and try to calm down", but you're going to have to unless you want your dcs to be afraid of you! I hope you get the help you need.

Original poster

allcoveredup · 19/03/2007 09:44

Bless you for answering me. The 1st thing I did when I came home from taking the children to school was to call childline. They were v. helpful but I'm here alone & feeling so terrible. By coincidence I'm seeing GP this afternoon but have to get through the next few hours. Please don't hate me. I hate myself enough. This has never happened before & I'm scared I've damaged them psychologically. Oh God.

OP posts:

Blu · 19/03/2007 09:46

Asking for help should illicit nothing but support - and I hope you get lots of good advice here.

Personally, i would start by telling your children, when you see them later, that you are sorry. tell them you know you shouldn't have hit them and pushed them and that you are genuinely sorry. You can, i think tell them why you got so angry - but as an explanation not as an excuse. So 'I was angry because...BUT I am very sorry i shouldn't have hit you' not I'm sorry i hit you, BUT you made me angry because...'. there is a subtle but strong difference.

Can you identify what it is that makes you so at the end of your tether? is it tiredness, depression, anger / resentment at something about your situation, or something else? First step to seeing what you need help with might be thinking about that?

Good luck.

HuwEdwards · 19/03/2007 09:46

ACU - with the right help, the relationship with your dcs will recover.

Good luck

kando · 19/03/2007 09:47

I think you have been very brave to come on here and admit what you have done. You are taking steps now to get help, so you are on the right road now I hope. Good luck with the GP this afternoon x

edam · 19/03/2007 09:47

Agree you need to get help. Do you have a decent health visitor? I know HVs and ss do try to work with families - they don't just march in and snatch children (they don't have the foster places to do that even if they wanted to).

You aren't the worst parent in the world - plenty have done worse and on a regular basis - if you were, you wouldn't be seeking help. I do hope you find someone, GP, HV, school nurse - who can support you and help you find ways of working with your children so that you are all happy.

edam · 19/03/2007 09:49

Oh, just seen you've phone childline and are going to the GPs. I think you've taken the first steps, which is the hardest part. You are clearly a loving mother, otherwise you wouldn't feel bad about this and you wouldn't be looking for help. Hope GP is useful.

KaySamuels · 19/03/2007 09:49

It's very brave of you to post on here allcovered up.

This has happened with someone I know, her friend was present with her own children and she rang social services. She did this because she knew this lady was not a bad mother, but because she knew her friend needed help to get back on track. She is now on ads, helps out at school, does some training courses, has joined a gym, etc. And she has thanked her friend for giving her a kick up the bum, she was embarassed the incident was witnessed but also relieved later on that someone knew how bad things were becoming for her.

You have taken the first step by coming on here. Go to your gps while dcs are at school/nursery and tell him you need help, and think of other ways you could pick yourself up. You can get past this with your kids, they are only little and you have lots of time left to enjoy each other before they are all grown up. xx

MadameWeb · 19/03/2007 09:49

hi,

i was hit alot as a kid - and worse physical abuse (though at the time i didnt realise it wasn't 'the norm') and now i find it incredibly difficult at times not to lash out - as thats what i was brought up with,

thankfully i manage it well and havent done so, but sometimes i worry history will repeat itself and i will end up smaking.

because you have already done so - you need to seek help, you know as well as i that this kind of thing does nothing but escalate,

your very brave - you need to take the next step and end it by getting the help you need and your children deserve.

if you want to email me, feel free - [email protected]

xxx kitty xxx

LadyOfTheFlowers · 19/03/2007 09:51

get yourself to the doctors today. say you need an emergency appt. tell the doc exactly what happened, they wont take your children or anything like that.
when i was younger, my mum beat me from one end of the jouse to the other whilst holding me up by the ankle with the other hand. once she stopped,her jumper arm was hanging off.
she told the doc and he helped her, though i cant remember what he did/gave her as i was only little....

Original poster

allcoveredup · 19/03/2007 09:53

I felt I should come on here because this is supposed to be a mums' support website and while we can all talk about mooncups or frying pans or argue the pros & cons of breastfeeding, I can't be the only one who has lost her rag with her dc. Even just the once!

OP posts:

NotanOtter · 19/03/2007 10:00

WELL DONE! You are not and will never be like your mother because you are immediately taking steps not to be.

I too was beaten as a child and with things - chased round with a wooden spoon cracking on my head till it broke ( she kept it! wonder if she still has it)

I too feared and feared i would be like my mother - that fear stopped me from being. We have to LEARN how to be a good mother from scratch if we did not have one. There is no one to teach us and no appropriate memories to build on. That makes it doubly hard - kids drive one wild - esp at that stressful leaving the house stage.

Please dont think about self-harming ....try to look after yourslef for the day until the appointment. make the childrens rooms nice and prepare yourself for what you are going to say.

We are all here for you and UNDERSTAND completely

NotanOtter · 19/03/2007 10:02

alllcovered up - of course you are not - you know that !
For every person posting there are 10 nodding their heads at home

fortyplus · 19/03/2007 10:11

Ok... you've never let this happen before, which is great. You will have shocked your children terribly, but all is not lost. You're taking steps to get help. You need to talk to your children - tell them how much you love them and that you weren't feeling well this morning. APOLOGISE to them. If you don't do it again then they'll soon get over it. Children accept far more than this without being damaged. Your problems stem from repeated violence, right?
Small children can be extremely stressful. You have made one mistake and now you feel terrible. Use this experience to ensure that there is no repetition.
You can do it.

Sugarmagnolia · 19/03/2007 12:35

You are not alone and I think it's a huge step that you're talking about it and seeking help - really brave of you. Childline probably already told you this and you may get additional advice from your GP but there is also something called Parentline. Whereas Childline is primarily for talking to children and young people, Parentline offers advice and support to parents. Like Childline, they offer 24 hour a day confidential support. Here Their number is 0808 800 2222.

Sugarmagnolia · 19/03/2007 12:50

I felt like this too a few months ago. I was feeling out of control with my kids and it really hit home one morning when I was trying to get them out the door for school and they both dropped their coats on the floor. I didn't hit them but I did scream at them until my throat hurt and my stomach hurt and then I sat down and cried for a bit. All because they dropped their coats.

I did a few things after that.

I talked to my DH about how I was feeling to get a bit of extra support from him.
I apologised to my children... a lot!
I thought about why I was behaving this way. I had an inklining it might be linked to the contraceptive pills I was taking as I was having all sorts of other side effects as well so I came off this pills immediately. But DH and I also talked about it and decided that if that that didn't help after a month or so I would have to see my GP and discuss ADs and/or counselling. As it turned out within a few weeks of stopping the pills I felt a huge difference, much calmer and better able to deal with little every day things.

I don't know if that story helps any as the reasons for my behaviour may be different from yours but you just sounded like you felt really alone and I wanted you to know that you aren't.

kando · 20/03/2007 08:46

Hope you got some help at the doctors yesterday. xx

Original poster

allcoveredup · 20/03/2007 13:52

Thanks all for the support. It was a terrible day and without help, I would probably have been hospitalised by now. The gp told me that it wasn't uncommon for parents to "lose it" but damaging (of course!) in the long run. Apart from your suggestions, the only other thing he asked me to do was to not tell the dc that I lost my temper because of their bad behavior. Although I was dreading picking them up from school, when they saw me their little faces lit up with smiles. (Great lump in throat while writing this) We talked about it all 3 and again I asked them to forgive me and reassured them of my love. I will never let it happen again.

I was in whsmith yesterday & found a book called Toxic Parents. It was also very useful.

One comment of a mumsnetter stays with me: For every person posting there are 10 nodding their heads at home.

Please be careful, all of you nodding.

OP posts:

Blu · 20/03/2007 14:01

Well done AllCoveredUp - and I do hope things fall into place with you.

Friends who endured abusive behaviour as children tell me that the Toxic Parents book is very very helpful.

Apologising, admitting that you are wrong, that it is on no way the child's fault that you lost control and taking steps to stop it before it becomes a habit are all 'anti-abusive' factors imo, unlike implying that the child is responsible and at fault for the behaviour of the adult, denying responsibility, justifying it to yourself, denial that it is happeneing or is 'serious' etc all create abuse.

sunnywong · 20/03/2007 14:03

well done for seeking help

FWIW, the getting on of coat and shoes is a real flash point for me. It is maddening that they just don't get it.

Hope you can get this sorted out soon

Sugarmagnolia · 21/03/2007 08:57

so did your gp suggest counselling/ADs/anything else?

NotanOtter · 21/03/2007 09:14

yes that getting on of shoes used to get me...i am better now

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