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Parenting

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Original poster

Do I let exs gf meet my baby

52 replies

Paddlingducks · 04/06/2017 13:53

I had a fling with a friend after my marriage broke down, I've been friends with him and is gf for years and they split up and the fling happened. I fell pregnant and he went back to his gf. He has been here for me all through the pregnancy and birth and has spent time with our son everyday since he was born but I'm not friends with her anymore. Long story short, I want him back, my other 3 dc love him. Baby is now 2weeks old and his ex wants to meet him. I don't want her to, aibu?

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 04/06/2017 17:10

It's not a case of doing what she wants , it's a case of doing what is best for the child and ultimately this woman is going to be in your sons life if they stay together . I think you are under some illusion that if you keep having him round etc that he will leave her for you and you need to get it in your head that he is coming to see the baby , not you and not your other children .

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 04/06/2017 17:10

You asked him to move out of their house?

People have arguments, people split up and get back together - their relationship is none of your business

Theresnonamesleft · 04/06/2017 17:18

Whose home did you ask him to move out from?

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flibberdee · 04/06/2017 17:32

Wow you're sounding very bitter and very unreasonable.

"Your" baby is also "his" baby and he will be able to introduce baby to whomever he sees fit once he has baby on his own.

I think you need to come to terms with he fact that he chose her. I don't want to minimise what you're feeling but hormones will be playing a huge part right now and I'm wondering if this is why you're acting so irrationally you can't possibly think you have the right to say she will NEVER meet the baby?!

What a nightmare situation. Please don't use this poor baby as a pawn to try win him back/teach him a lesson for not choosing you/showing you have power over her/whatever.

BandeauSally · 04/06/2017 17:34

It's not actually up to you. He gets to decide who his child spends time with when he is with him.

eternalnamechange · 04/06/2017 17:47

You don't get want her near your DS, or any partner he might have? It's not relevant, because what you want doesn't matter. But this woman hasn't done anything wrong and you're painting this as if she has wronged you in some way. The situation hurt her and she doesn't want to remain friends. You can't do anything about that. Imagine this was a two years down the line and she was refusing to have your DS in her home. That would worth a thread. She's trying to make the best of hard situation and seems to realise none of this is the baby's fault. Maybe you should too.

One of two things will happen:

A court will decide access and that will means she says the baby.

You manage to split them up, the father resents you for the rest of his life, and life is just more awkward than necessary.

What won't happen is that you get him back.

arbrighton · 05/06/2017 11:37

You need to separate out feelings for him and wanting to be with him from the baby and the fact he is the baby's father and wants to be involved in his life, which is surely best for the child

Don't use a 2 week old baby as a chess piece in your games

Original poster

Paddlingducks · 05/06/2017 19:39

I just don't think she realises how hard all of this is for me. I can't help how I feel and maybe over time it will get easier. I don't know

OP posts:

arbrighton · 05/06/2017 19:49

Oh and it isn't hard for her knowing you've had his baby??????

Floralnomad · 05/06/2017 19:50

You sound extremely self absorbed .

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 05/06/2017 20:14

Hang on, he wanted you to abort, so you were angry with him. Then he was with you through the pregnancy, your other DC love him, you have your baby but he's gone back to gf. You want him back, but he's with his original gf. Were you having a relationship with him during your pregnancy or was he just supportive? If he was just being supportive then you are deluding yourself that he is going to come back. Sorry.
If you were having a relationship with him and he was with gf, then bloody hell woman, get some self respect and stop doing the pick me dance.
And because he's baby's dad, then he gets to see him.

BandeauSally · 05/06/2017 20:38

What age are you? You sound very immature.

Original poster

Paddlingducks · 05/06/2017 21:06

He went back to her a week after i told him I was pregnant. I thought he wanted be with me because he's been here a lot and helped with a few night feeds

OP posts:

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 05/06/2017 21:11

OP, I'm going to say this as kindly as I can because you just had a baby 2 weeks ago, and if you're like me you're hormones will still be all over the place... He's been there a lot and done night feeds because he loves his child and is trying to be an involved father and build a bond. If the baby wasn't there he wouldn't be either. It's about the baby - not you.

SerfTerf · 05/06/2017 21:13

Tell him that it's better if that happens naturally once baby is old enough for contact at his place. He must understand that her coming to your place to visit the baby would feel uncomfortable for everyone. Explain the concept of fourth trimester to him.

Then you have some time to get used to the idea that, unless they split, it will happen in time. It doesn't sound likely that they will split. He's made a pretty strong statement by returning to her so early in your pregnancy. Sorry. Be gentle with yourself.

NannyOggsKnickers · 05/06/2017 21:29

I feel for you OP. No matter what the details of conception, you are now mostly alone with a new born, which is rough. And you'll be full of hormones and want to protect your child.

Have you discussed with him what arrangements are going to be in the future? You are going to have to accept at some point that he's made his choice and it wasn't you- as crappy as that it.

For now though- treat this as you would a request from an over zealous auntie. You are two weeks post-birth and you need time to get to know your baby and establish a strong bond before you can start sharing them out. Move at a pace that is comfortable for you but be wise to the fact that your little baby will grow up and have to spend time with these people. Establish now your boundaries and try to make a deal about no overnights until he's bigger (and they are more baby savvy).

Finally, dignity and self-esteem are wonderfully attractive qualities. If he has chosen someone else then make a concerted effort to move forward on your own, without him. Your life and the lives of your children will be better without the drama.

NannyOggsKnickers · 05/06/2017 21:32

Here's a link that explains what courts usually award for custody. This might be a good start in your discussions with him of what is reasonable.

www.alternativefamilylaw.co.uk/children/child-contact/

Original poster

Paddlingducks · 05/06/2017 21:50

She wouldn't be coming to my house! He already takes ds out on his own, only for a couple of hours at a time though

OP posts:

eternalnamechange · 05/06/2017 21:54

I find the examples in that link really quite sad. A couple of hours on a Saturday morning

Floralnomad · 05/06/2017 22:15

Well if he's taking him out he can do whatever he pleases.

SerfTerf · 05/06/2017 22:17

Ah, sorry, I misunderstood.

I think the legal and practical answer is that you can't stop him from making whatever introductions he chooses during his contact time.

It sounds very tough.

LedaP · 06/06/2017 06:39

He is there and doing night feeds etc because he is the father. Thats what he should be doing.

That doesnt mean he is coming back to you. You said it yourself. It was a fling. Sounds like you both knew it was a fling, not a serious relationship.

I think you had this dream that once you gave birth he would be there looking after his son and fall in love with you in the process. Your hormones are making yiu think you have lost something now. You havent. He went back to her months ago. The rest of it is only in your own head.

Its hard for you and its hard for her. But fighting her is only going to make your life harder. He can introduce the baby to whoever he wants when he is looking after her. Its a fight you will lose, make you feel worse and will end up negatively impact your child.

FlossyMooToo · 06/06/2017 06:54

Your baby is only 2 weeks old so I think you need to give yourself some time to get over the birth.

He chose her over you and that has hurt you and I think in all it is clouding your judgement.
It is important he has contact with his child and its great you have facilitated that but if you are doing it in the hope you can play happy families and he will leave her then you are setting yourself up for a fall.

His gf has not done anything wrong and your anger/hate towards her is misplaced.
You need to concentrate on recovering and having a workable routine with your baby and dad not thinking about her.

Truth is he can introduce baby to her and if you stop contact because of that it will have a negative affect on you and the baby.

If you allow reasonable contact and accept she will be part of your childs life then you may have more control over contact.
If you dig your heels in and are spiteful he could take you to court and they would dictate when he has his child and who he introduces them to.

Good luck.

bloodymaria · 06/06/2017 07:08

Oh dear :( focus on your baby and recovering from the birth OP. If this man wanted to be with you, he would. It sounds like he's involved with his son which is good but you shouldn't read any more into it in terms of relationship with you. Concentrate on being good co-parents.

neonrainbow · 06/06/2017 07:22

You should have thought about all this before you had a child with someone you werent in a relationship with.

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