AIBU DP slapped DD

[fuckinfurious]

Please tell me what you would do, my heart just broke and my mind is racing.
AIBU? I've been with DP for 7 years we have a DD(3) and a baby due imminently. Tonight DD went to say night-night to her dad and, for some reason, smacked him on the face. She does that sometimes and can never tell me why. Nobody has ever smacked her on the face, we always have a talk afterwards (it has happened a few times towards me but never towards her dad). Tonight she slapped him...and he slapped her back. I am absolutely disgusted. I put DD to sleep and then told him I thought his behaviour was disgusting, he said he knew it was wrong and to come give him a hug. I said I can't and continued saying that had he slapped me I'd be out of the door that moment, what made him think it was ok to slap our DD?? He said "fuck off (myname) you're just looking for a fight". I feel like I've had enough but the thought of depriving my children of their dad scares the shit out of me. He's not good for much, doesn't take her out or play with her but she loves him to bits anyway. I'm just so sad that he slapped her I have a million thoughts racing through my head. Do I let this go or not?

I feel like I've had enough but the thought of depriving my children of their dad scares the shit out of me. He's not good for much, doesn't take her out or play with her

What are you depriving them of? Other than the odd wallop of course.

Are you sure neither of you (ie him!) have ever hit her before?

I have just mentally put myself in your shoes. I have a dd + a dh not her df. .
If he had slapped her at 3 I wouldn't be with him now.

She's a child and it's your job to protect her. He sounds beyond useless. My kids love ice cream doesn't mean it's good for them.

I love DP with all my heart but if he ever, ever slapped our 3 yo across the face he'd be out for good.

Erm I'd be packing his stuff right now baby or not.

I've been with dp for almost 20 years and I love him completely. If he slapped our 3.5 year old around the face there is no way I would let it go. No way.

He probably thought if she realised how it felt to be smacked, she would stop doing it to other people. Or maybe he just reacted without thinking to being smacked in the face unexpectedly! Also there's smacking and there's smacking, was it a little tap the same as she did to him, or was it hard enough to actually hurt? I think that makes a difference.

However, it's a bit odd that when you were clearly very angry and upset with him, he completely dismissed your feelings and asked you to give him a hug! Does he normally expect you to swallow your feelings and show him physical affection when you clearly don't want to? Yuck. How is the relationship generally, apart from today's incident?

She is a child, your job is to protect her, period

If h hit you, he'd be gone.

Why the fuck is that any different for your innocent 3yo child?!?!?

I can't even figure out how to tag people here to reply, sorry!
@mumoftwoyoungkids I am sure she's not been smacked, although she got a smack on the bum before (which upset me as well but nothing like today).
@FatOldBag your words have really resonated with me, I think you have got it all so right. DP is much older than me and tends to think I'm childish (I'm in my 30s), that I cry too much (I do get upset easily that's true but I also tend to forgive too quickly). My feelings are hardly ever acknowledged, really, instead DP will snuggle up in the night and pretend nothing happend or give me space for a couple days until I'm ready to drop the subject whatever it was. He hates talking. I threatened to leave a few weeks ago over him not doing anything with and over the fact that I feel like a single parent anyway. He said he couldn't lose us, said he wanted us to have date nights and spend time together. That lasted a week. I believe to smack her back was his immediate reaction but does that make things right? DD was really shocked and upset, she cuddled him straight away and gave him kisses while I stood over them ready to explode.

I am at that point where every little thing he does makes me want to leave him, I do not feel valued or respected (he says I need to earn respect - something I've apparently not done in the 7 years we've been together). Apart from the financial side I have very little support. I'm so tired and heavily pregnant and when I get back from work I'd like a bit of rest too yet it's only me taking care of DD until she goes to sleep while he watches films. If I tell him to watch DD she'll just be sat next to him watching tv too. I am sorry for all the ranting I have literally nobody to vent to and it's eating me alive

@angryladyboobs I think I'm just so scared with labour being pretty imminent and deep inside I do love him and don't want to lose him. That said, you are absolutely right.

And if your DD mentions this to another adult how would you feel? I personally tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck. It's abusive.

might by very mis judged as person said b 4 perhaps it was to stop her doing this . only u were there so best judge it yourself, if it was a light tap for this reason or a beating slap out of temper ask him why he did it tomorrow after everyone calm down and take it from there.

@Polydonia it crossed my mind that I'd love for her to mention it to her childminder tomorrow because maybe it coming from another person he'd fucking realise I'm not being ridiculous. My feelings don't seem to matter. I wouldn't be surprised if he refused to collect DD afterwards though.

You told him that if he slapped you then you would have left!!? Well, why would you let him slap your DD?
A slap in the face, regardless that DD had hit him, is beyond unacceptable.

So you stood there while she cuddled him and kissed him like SHE was the one who needed to be sorry?? Ffs he is setting her up to being an abused child. . And you are going to allow it?? I don't mean sexual abuse - just emotional and physical. . .
Get him out or you are failing your dd. .

@rwalker I did not see the slap happen, only ran in when DD started crying, I believe it was his instinct to slap her back which makes it even more fucking scary. When I tried to talk about it (admittedly while I'm still upset) I was told to fuck off and I believe I will be told to fuck off again if I breach the subject be it now or later

So get in there first and tell him to fuck off. .

He slapped a 3 year old child and she's already learned that she's the one who has to apologise to him? Jesus that's scary.

Wait, did he slap her across the face? I would be going absolutely apeshit OP.

God knows no one's perfect - I'm ashamed to say I have lost my temper before now and tapped DS on the hand (for hitting his baby sister with a plastic spade!) but I felt bloody dreadful and I made sure I apologised to him. I gave myself a talking to about it too.

You sound worn out and of cours you are so vulnerable at the moment, being pregnant and all. But it sounds like a whole lot of stress and anxiety would disappear from your life if you got rid of him. Yes you'd be on your own, but you are doing everything anyway and I bet it would be a damn sight easier without carrying his deadweight along with you!

Do you have support in rl op?

He sounds like an absolute cunt tbh.

@Pollydonia No, I have no one. No family and no friends who I could open up to like I have just done to you guys.

If you'd leave him for slapping you, you must do the same for your DD.

Yes, it's scary. You're Pg and vulnerable. But you said yourself, lots of things he does make you feel like leaving.

There will never be a good time once DC are around, might as well be now. Sounds like you're doing it all by yourself anyway, with the added stress of being told to fuck off and undermined.

Good luck OP

Thank you all, for your support and for your roasting. I needed both. It's all so raw but I don't think I can let it go. I left one abuser and what my DD did today, cuddling and kissing her dad after he slapped her, reminded me of myself when my ex would slam me against a wall and I'd fall to my knees and tell him I loved him. DP has shut the bedroom door and gone to sleep. He only does that when he expects me to sleep out on the couch or on the floor in DDs room. Well he can fuck off, I've just been to tesco and bought myself an inflatable bed that will fit in DDs bedroom. I'm also booking last minute flights and taking DD away to see my family, I shall tell DP I want no contact from him whatsoever in that time. I need to do some serious soul searching, I have totally lost my way.