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Original poster

Telling off someone else's child

30 replies

Crowshay · 20/05/2017 14:10

I never do this (except for family members/close friends) but if someone else's child is bothering my or another child/doing something that needs intervention but the parent is momentarily unaware, I would usually try to find them first rather than get involved myself, wouldn't you?

I've just had a woman tell off DD for something when she was right behind me and it really pissed me off (for 5 mins). Yes DD was being irritating and needed telling off, and yes she wanted to protect her child but FFS I'd rather she asked, is this your child (obviously was as no one else was there) and let me deal with it rather than go charging in with a very over the top reaction. I usually laugh off little tiffs between toddlers but some people take them oh so seriously.

A bit like people rolling their eyes and shaking their heads if your toddler has a tantrum in a public place - FFS have some tolerance people! It's just what they do and I can't help the timing or the place when it happens!

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originalbiglymavis · 20/05/2017 14:13

So what was she doing - was ur dangerous? And if it was pissing you off why didn't you stop her?

Original poster
Crowshay · 20/05/2017 14:23

I didn't notice because I was doing something with my older child. I turned around because I could hear the woman telling DD off. She was looking through a box of books on wheels with another child and was overzealously moving it backwards and forwards so could have pushed or knocked the child so yes she needed to be stopped. But I was a metre away and would have preferred it if she'd just told me. You can't always watch every single thing they do and it was just a bit angry - her child wasn't crying or upset at all.

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AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 20/05/2017 14:28

I bollocked two kids yesterday in Primark- and I'd do it agsin in a heartbeat.

I was right at the top floor (there are three) and needed to get out FAST...anxiety and fear of crowds, combined with needing the loo (tmi, just getting over a tummy bug).

Two five year olds pissing about in the elevator! (Assume they were about 5- roughly same size as my DS). Every time I'd shut the elevator door, they were pushing the button from the outside to reopen it!

I asked them quite politely the first two rimes to pack it in. I couldn't see the parents (but I can see hardly anything anyway 😂). The third time, I said quite firmly "people are trying to use this elevator, and it's dangerous to play on it!" I had to get DD to alert a staff member in the end.

Also, DN tried to stab DD in the eye with a pencil once when they were 4. My brother (not related to DN) shouted "NO!" more panicked than aggressive iyswim? My sister rounded on him for daring to call her DS out, and refused to attend any events DB was invited to. We are NC now.

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Original poster
Crowshay · 20/05/2017 14:36

Totally justified! Who leaves their kids to play in a lift FFS?! In that situation I would have done both: told them off and then tried to find the parent.

However it's more when it's in obvious earshot of the parent - a bit passive aggressive, I think that's what it is. Just be a grown up, be civil and tell the parent, not the child.

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TooFew · 20/05/2017 14:38

Maybe she wanted to deal with it in the moment rather than distracting you away from your other child to deal with it and in that mean time her kid could've been hurt. Doesn't seem like a big deal. What did she actually say to your child?

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 20/05/2017 14:39

One of them had actually run off with my cane about five minutes before! I leaned it against a shelf to rifle throuvlgh some t shirts. DD fought that battle for me.

TheAntiBoop · 20/05/2017 14:40

Well it sounds like she was concerned her child was going to be hurt. I don't think it matters where you were - you weren't supervising her.

How old is your dd though!

FATEdestiny · 20/05/2017 14:44

I think you're current reaction is probably more to do with embarrassment. I would tell off someone else's child, if necessary. I'm a teacher, I've spent years telling off other people's children.

I would look towards the parent and if the parent wasn't dealing with the behaviour and I felt it necessary, I would. Not in a shouty way, just in a "please stop that because...". Or "why don't you.... instead".

Allthebestnamesareused · 20/05/2017 14:46

Sorry if a child is doing something that might hurt another in that moment I would tell them off rather than looking around for a parent so tell them off a couple of minutes later (when the other child might already be hurt).

Most people would. I think you are being too precious.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. If my child were misbehaving I would want an adult to tell them off if I was unaware! As long as the way in which they tell them off is appropriate and proportionate to the misdemeanour I wouldn't have an issue with it.

i think you should have said thank you to the adult, explained you were seeing to you other child and then reinforced what you expected of your child rather than be pissed off!

LostMyDotBrain · 20/05/2017 14:47

So she was doing something that you agree justified a telling off but you expect people to come through you for it to happen? That's a bit precious really. I suspect you may have a similar mentality to some parents on my street whose children are quite naughty while out playing and cheeky to adults to intervene, in the full knowledge that their parent's reaction if someone tells them off is to go on the offensive at the adult rather than making it clear to the child that they should be behaving.

Original poster
Crowshay · 20/05/2017 14:49

I think it's more the attitude rather than embarrassment. If it were the other way round, I wouldn't be aggressive about it, I'd be firm with the child but polite with the adult and smile - it's just normal child behaviour, nothing to get upset about.
She was huffing and puffing and being over the top. Not worth getting annoyed over. I apologised, took DD away from the situation and explained to her why she mustn't do it.

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MargotLovedTom1 · 20/05/2017 14:50

I don't think the woman was in the wrong. It'll not do your kid any harm to learn she needs to listen to an adult if said adult justifiably feels the child shouldn't be doing something.

Floggingmolly · 20/05/2017 14:51

You're focussing on the fact that you were there, instead of the fact that you were there but didn't see it happening.
How was the other mum to know why you weren't dealing with it? All she saw (and presumably cared about) was that you weren't dealing with it.

MargotLovedTom1 · 20/05/2017 14:53

I didn't realise the woman had been 'aggressive'. Actually you didn't say that in your OP. Just that she was over the top, but one person's over the top could be another person's reasonable reaction.

LostMyDotBrain · 20/05/2017 14:54

She was huffing and puffing and being over the top.

I imagine this was directed at you rather than your DD. Sounds like she was frustrated that she had to discipline your child for you despite you being a metre away.

Original poster
Crowshay · 20/05/2017 14:54

I just think it's polite to find the parent first as long as it's not an emergency. It's not precious.

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LostMyDotBrain · 20/05/2017 14:57

It is a precious view to think that other people are only allowed to tell your children off in an emergency, regardless of their behaviour.

MrTurtleLikesKisses · 20/05/2017 14:58

"She was huffing and puffing and being over the top. Not worth getting annoyed over."

She sounds like a bit of an arsehole, but the fact is that your DD was messing about and it was affecting someone else's child. You didn't see it because you were busy so the other parent told her off. I know it can sometimes feel like a criticism of your parenting, but it's not.
I am actually really grateful when other people tell DS off - it does him good.

Floggingmolly · 20/05/2017 15:02

Maybe she sensed your "it's nothing; not worth getting annoyed over" attitude and thought it was a bit rich when your child was potentially hurting hers?

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 20/05/2017 15:28

Agree with Allthebest...sometimes there just isn't time to find the parent. Like my DB's firm "No!" If he'd gone to find my sister, DD would quite possibly hqve no eye.

It can be stressful, though- I think you need eyes in the back of your head sometimes with two.

Original poster
Crowshay · 20/05/2017 15:49

That's not very nice Floggingmolly. I was there, I heard what was going on and I dealt with it.

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TheAntiBoop · 20/05/2017 15:53

But you didn't deal with it as if you had she wouldn't have needed to say anything.

Perhaps it was going on longer than you realised or something else happened which you didn't see because you were focussed on your oldest. Perhaps she thought you were aware of what was happening earlier than you were and were choosing not to do something.

Given you didn't have your full attention on the matter I'm not sure you can safely say you know exactly what happened

Floggingmolly · 20/05/2017 15:54

Well, I answered based on what you said in your op. Which was the complete opposite of "I was there, I heard what was going on and I dealt with it".
Have you forgotten?? Grin. Some people...

Original poster
Crowshay · 20/05/2017 15:56

I'd just arrived when it happened. 2 minutes. Not a big deal. I've made a big deal by starting a thread though!
I just can't see why it couldn't have been handled with a little more politeness and good humour. Obviously everyone is not like me in these things.

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whosafraidofabigduckfart · 20/05/2017 15:59

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