How much do you use bribery for your threenager?

[stopmoaningpip]

Everything seems to be turning into quite a battle with my 3 year old and I just wondered how much bribery everyone else uses?
I'm hesitant to constantly be saying 'if you do x you will get y' as he's pretty switched on and I feel he'll start negotiating for something better and will end up not doing anything I ask him to do unless there's something in it for him.
But on the other hand yesterday it took me an hour to get over the procrastination and strops and get him into the car to do some errands, and it's much quicker and easier if I give him a strong incentive.... Today I said if he behaved well while we went to a couple of shops then we could go to the cafe at the last shop. Cue absolutely angelic butter-wouldn't-melt behaviour....

When he was younger I would just pick him up and put him in the car regardless of his views on the matter but he's nearly 17kg and I'm pregnant.... Also I feel that physical wrestling is a less appropriate solution now he's older (except actual safety issues).
So just wondered how often everyone else uses bribery, and also what sort of incentives you use? I don't want to use food too much if possible.

We tend to use consequences instead of bribery...

I.e "If you don't get in the car to come to the shops with mommy then you won't get any pudding tonight" as opposed to "If you get in the car to come to the shops with mommy then I will get you some chocolate buttons" etc.

The only kind of giving treats bribery that we use is regarding his Reward Chart for his sleeping behaviours He earns stars for staying in his bed etc and every time he gets 5 stars he gets a little treat

Marble jars seemed to feature strongly at that age for us.

I've been thinking about the hour! What was going on during that hour was it a tantrum, running and hiding etc, just to get a better idea of what's going on. I read how to talk so kids will listen and that helped a lot for us.

Erm, what is a marble jar?

For consequences of the sort you describe there sort of has to be an incentive in the first place that he can lose doesn't there? For various reasons I'm not keen on using pudding as the incentive but maybe I need to think of something 'extra' to tell him about at the beginning of the day which we will only do/give him at the end of the day if he behaves. He does watch TV before dinner but I don't really want to use that as something he can lose because I really need him to sit down and watch it for me to get the dinner cooked!

It depends on how well you follow through. I don't have much experience but I do have a friend who did this a lot when her DC was 3 and 4, but he ALWAYS got the treat anyway, no matter how horrid he was.

It's like a star chart. You pop a marble in the jar or a bit of pasta etc and then when it's full they pick treat eg a magazine, swimming. You catch them being good so in a situation where they aren't being good you would say 'if you do X y z I will put a marble in your jar, you're nearly at the top look!' You don't take marbles out for bad behaviour as that undermines the whole concept

I tell mine that if he doesn't do X by the time I've counted to three, I'll tickle him until he squeaks. It works because he doesn't really like being tickled, but it's not a horrible threat. It also cuts the tension and makes us both laugh. Helpful when I feel like screaming at him! I do bribe as well, though, but I try not to do it too often. We've resorted to big bribes - toys he wants - to get him to stop waking us in the night, and it's been really effective. He got an Octopod for doing five nights in a row, a gup for ten nights and we're now on to something else for 15 nights in a row - 1 night in. So I do find bribery good, but I'd rather save it for something sustained like that.

All the time.

If you get out of bed again tonight no Peppa tomorrow morning etc.

It's the only thing that seems to work

Oooh lots of good thoughts here, thank you!

We have used a star chart for potty training which worked quite well for the first week or so when he was initially getting the hang of it. Now I don't give him stars for that any more but just expect him to go as a life skill that just has to be done.

Grass - he was mostly running off to various parts of the house, giggling madly, or firmly saying 'Read a book now' and sitting down on the sofa with a book. So procrastination rather than tantrums mostly. I also needed him to go to the potty before we went out and he was procrastinating about that too.

I actually quite like the tickle idea as I do feel we get into a vicious circle where I am nagging at him 'you need to get your shoes on' 'come on you need to get your shoes at him' 'come here and put your shoes on' ad nauseam. And he is either having a tantrum or merrily doing something else and ignoring me while I get more and more frustrated!

Fruitcocktail - I definitely agree about following through which is why I'm thinking carefully about what incentives I can realistically take away...

I can attest to the power of counting too. If you like books read 1-2-3 Magic

Hmm, I have a friend who counts to three and her (fairly boisterous) kids always seem to sit up and take notice. She sends them to bed if she gets to three but I think I would struggle to follow through on that.
I think I really need to come up with some general incentives/consequences that will work for us and then plan some sort of combination of the above strategies. (eg pasta jar for good behaviour plus counting and loss of incentive for significant naughtiness).
He's generally quite well behaved which is why I haven't thought much about behaviour strategies but he's really starting to push the boundaries now. I'm not naturally the most assertive person but I am determined I am not going to end up controlled by my 3 year old!!

Bribe, bribe, bribe. But also consequences, depending on the situation.

Need to go to toilet before we leave the house - can have a sweetie if he goes (even when he says he doesn't need to).

Don't pick up toys when it's tidy up time - if I have to pick them up then they become mine and are confiscated for a day or two.

Don't do something, we can't go to X, Y etc.

I'm def not against bribery!

I'm not against bribery but like you didn't want to over use the pudding and sweets one so would be more the stuff I wanted him to have/do anyways like if you're a good boy we can

Go see your auntie later
You can help me cook dinner
You can watch tv with mum
We can go to the park
Stay up late (couldn't tell the time)
Buy new COOL socks /suncream/toothpaste

Basically just make every day life a treat and choice and exciting

Sometimes getting 3yr old DD to tell her toy to do whatever it is I need her to do works, including getting her to reprimand said toy if it's not doing what it's been asked ("Tell Teddy not to be so silly" etc). I love the tickling one too, will try that.

I use bribery all the time but would really like to feel more in control and in charge.

I do 123 and if I get to 3 I physically grab DD and make her do what I need (not painfully or anything), e.g. Grab her wrist and walk her to the car, or put her in the car seat if she's messing.

She usually speeds up when I start to count, although in the last few weeks she'll get this cheeky grin and prompt the 2 when I start.

A standard bribe at bedtime is 'we won't have time for stories'.

Belly - I count to 5 slowly and he has ALWAYS done what I asked by the time I get to 4

I also use the "no time for stories" line at bedtime

Thank you everyone :)

Bellybean - I used to do that but he is just too big and heavy to wrestle with/lift into carseat etc...

Dairymilk - yes I think that's the sort of thing I need. I have a stash of 50p charity shop cars which have worked well from time to time previously, although I've generally used them for bigger/one-off things like staying still for the doctor at a hospital appointment. He could perhaps earn one gradually with a pasta jar. I need to think of some day to day consequences though which a) he cares about and b) I can realistically follow through.

eg some relatives are visiting this afternoon which he will be really excited about but it's not something I can realistically cancel so that wouldn't work.

PS I have tried taking his favourite toys away before which used to work but now when he's in one of those naughty moods he just thinks it's funny..... Also he has about 5 million toys so taking a few away doesn't make much impact on them!! (Just in case anyone thought I was some sort of scrooge for rationing the charity shop cars....)

I use consequences all the time e.g. you need to brush your teeth or you won't get stories, you need to eat your carrot or you won't get yoghurt. I'd rather not have to but it works for me.

Yes I see what you mean about the consequences and I'm going to need help with this too when DS2 is slightly older, with DS1 the bribery ALWAYS worked he was so keen to please and loved his "treats" whether it was something boring like picking the carrots in Tesco himself to unlocking the door when we got home that I don't really remember having to take away the treats because if he started with the naughty glints in his eyes it just needed a "Remember about the carrots ;) and all was fine

Second child is only one but my god I know these aren't going to work with him he does not understand/care and is a bit of a wildchild

I don't think it's unreasonable that there should be something in it for him for getting out of the door to do boring errands- but making it something like choosing the fruit, or stopping at the playground on the way home if he's quick and there is time.

I struggle with this too! I find myself endlessly threatening and I hate it.

I do the count to 5 a lot. It's usually after asking a couple of times - e.g ok I've asked three times, I'm going to count to five and if you haven't put your shoes on/gone upstairs/whatever then I'm going to put them on/carry you/whatever. I don't know why but for us it does work nine times out of ten. Sometimes she'll say "no, I want you to put my shoes on" or whatever, but I don't mind that - I just want the bloody shoes on without a tantrum so I don't care who does it! On those occasions it doesn't work then I make a point of following through, even if that means a bit of (gentle!) manhandling or will result in an epic tantrum. I agree with you that physical intervention isn't ideal (and mine's no featherweight, either!) BUT after being asked three times and given a warning and countdown to cooperate then I can live with it. I agree with PPs that you go need to show you'll follow-through, even if you'd actually rather not. Thankfully it doesn't usually come to that. Maybe once a week?

I don't do so much in the way of bribery as in "do this and you'll get X" but I like the idea of using every day things that she actually already does (but enjoys) as the reward - like choosing the carrots. I have to say I'm personally very uncomfortable with offering pudding or chocolate as a reward, but that's maybe by issue.

Anyway, don't take parenting advice from me. My three-year old pushes me to limits I didn't even know I had on pretty much a daily basis. As someone said to be recently, "she's a bit, er, wild, isn't she?" Parenting humiliation right there.

It's very helpful to know other people struggle with this too! My mum is very helpful generally but does tend to give the impression that my 3 year old is a bit wild as she's constantly telling him to calm down/use his inside voice/say please etc etc...

DS is also completely psychotic spirited. I think he scares some people.