How much do you use bribery for your threenager?

[stopmoaningpip]

Everything seems to be turning into quite a battle with my 3 year old and I just wondered how much bribery everyone else uses?
I'm hesitant to constantly be saying 'if you do x you will get y' as he's pretty switched on and I feel he'll start negotiating for something better and will end up not doing anything I ask him to do unless there's something in it for him.
But on the other hand yesterday it took me an hour to get over the procrastination and strops and get him into the car to do some errands, and it's much quicker and easier if I give him a strong incentive.... Today I said if he behaved well while we went to a couple of shops then we could go to the cafe at the last shop. Cue absolutely angelic butter-wouldn't-melt behaviour....

When he was younger I would just pick him up and put him in the car regardless of his views on the matter but he's nearly 17kg and I'm pregnant.... Also I feel that physical wrestling is a less appropriate solution now he's older (except actual safety issues).
So just wondered how often everyone else uses bribery, and also what sort of incentives you use? I don't want to use food too much if possible.

The procrastination/running away giggling/ignoring instructions can become a pattern of interaction they get used to and start to expect - and then they don't even consider doing what you've asked until you lose patience.

Finding a way to change that dynamic is key, and you have to vary it to suit their character and current mood.
E.g. turning it into a race, asking for help, speaking through/to her toys.

I actually found I could reason with DD even at 3 (if she was procrastinating in a playful rather than stroppy way) if I got right down to her level, stopped what she was doing and spoke seriously but nicely. Something along the lines of 'This is no fun for either of us. When I ask you to do something, I need you to do it first time'. Then stand firm through the objections. But DD is a very reasonable and eager-to-please child, so perhaps not typical!

Hmm, interesting thought Nordic, yes I have felt that we have been getting into a pattern where he finds it fun to get me all frustrated!

Definitely agree with Nordic's pattern thing!

I just remembered that counting used to be magic for us, but not with a punishment- it would be "I will count to 5 (or whatever number) so you have time to finish what you are doing, then we will xyz". It was truly amazing from about 18 months to 4 or so. It's worn off a bit now but still works sometimes.

I use a combo but primarily I try to use distraction. Because other options have a "good" or "bad" outcome, and I'm not so keen on reinforcing that. So, if we want to leave the house I know that going for a wee, putting shoes on, brushing hair, putting coat on may all cause an issue. So we will have a race (up the stairs and while we are here let's have a wee), "choose" a coat, I'll pretend to put on her shoes to make her laugh etc. In the scheme of things it takes less time, and it avoids the conflict. I think (no evidence for this) that the avoidance of conflict is the best route as opposed to trying to enforce "compliance", but I also use bribery too (quick info the car, the iPad is waiting!). The only thing I base this on is that day's without conflict are more pleasant for us all and days with battles feel long and occasionally sad for us both - my gut feeling is that the former is nicer and we're not losing out on any life lessons. The only other tip I like is that lots of attention buys you a bit of time - so if you know you need them to sit unentertained in the pushchair for half an hour then give them half an hour of your full attention beforehand