When will I be able to live a somewhat normal life again?

[shewhocannotbenamed]

We've got a six month old who is actually not a bad baby. Usually he only wakes up once at night to feed, and is fairly reasonable during the day as long as you bounce him or go out in the pram. His naps in the day are approx. 30 mins long and very few so it's not like you can get much done. When he is awake he can't quite entertain himself so you have to constantly be at his side and play with him. I don't have any family living locally or any friends with kids and then my DH has been checking out of parenting for the first few months (getting better now after multiple convos.) LO is great, he smiles and laughs loads when entertained and gives cuddles but still I often find myself with these depressing thoughts of my future. For instance I wanted to start a second degree and I just don't see how I'd ever be able to with him. I can't imagine ever having a pleasant holiday anymore in a way that holidays used to be pleasant - walking around exotic towns, sipping cocktails without a care in the world. I worry about my finances - I don't feel like I can be as independent as I was working part time and relying on partner to provide a lion share.

When will I be able to see my life somewhat returning to normalcy, where I'd have time to sit down and study for instance or go somewhere and actually enjoy it rather than catering to baby's whims?

I'm more interested when it will REALLY become better rather than just a bit better, like some people say 6 or 11 months etc. When do the babies become more independent and leave you to get on with your life a bit?

As you clearly realise, it's a gradual process... I remember a lovely holiday that involved a lot of sipping cocktails at a café table in a pedestrian square while DS aged two alternated between sitting with us drinking orange juice with a straw and playing with his ball in the square. He did, of course, still need attention about half the time, but still, it was lovely. I remember noticing then that it was definitely getting easier!

Recommendation: encourage the enjoyment of books. I don't know how much influence over it over really has as a parent, but a bookworm is much easier than a bookhater!

@relaxitllbeok Thanks, it's nice to hear you've thought things were getting easier with a 2 yo. I was worried it only really gets better when they go to school at 4 :-/

I'm really quite serious about that second degree and trying to establish the best time to try (I will likely need to maintain part time employment while at uni too.)

Go on holiday now! We went when DD was 6mth old and it was pretty easy as she could sit in her pushchair and people watch or, in the evening, fall asleep.

Dd is 14.5 months now.

She needed constant entertaining when awake until she crawled and pulled to standing and now when she's in a good mood is happy to play alone for hours bar teething and illness and tiredness,
Her naps are still shit though. A normal day would be 1 times 30 minutes nap.
But maybe 3/4 days out of seven she can play alone whilst u do what you need to do around her

You're not going to like this, but in my admittedly limited experience (one DS, now 21mo) it hasn't become easier; in fact the reverse. When DS was 6 months old I flew around the world with him solo and visited friends in Dubai. Now I have to mark him like a soccer player to make sure he's not handwashing my car keys in the dog's water bowl or climbing onto window sills. It's more fun though as he is mostly good company and we do still go a lot of places.

Sorry - I'm with villa on this.

In all honesty I really only felt I got my life back when DS went to primary school at 4.5.

The terrible 2's and in my case 3's were the hardest. Constant supervision like a hawk.

I managed to study once the youngest was going to bed regularly around 6-7. Lasted about 2 years before the eldest wasn't!!

It creeps up on you bit by bit. I found the first six months the hardest but things were definitely still hard up to a year. After that, things gradually got easier. Definitely gets much easier at school age.

Also, I found DH not great while they were babies, but gradually taking on much more of a role as they got to toddlerhood. He is much better at playing and going to the park than me.

Dd is 21 months now... some things are easier, some things are harder.

She naps and sleeps well so I can get stuff done then - either housework or hobbies or enjoying a film etc. She can also communicate more and more each day which makes it easier.

But.... she is an absolute handful when awake! Into everything, cannot take my eyes off her for a second.

Finances are marginally better since I went back to work (part time) but childcare costs a bomb. I've pretty much accepted I'll be skint for many years.

I can't envisage a holidays with cocktails etc for another few years. So far we've just had a couple of long weekends away and they've been quiet - focussed on family days out and early nights. But they've been fun and a nice break from home/work.

Once they hit three. Teething over and done with, mostly potty trained, may sleep through the night and you can actually hold a conversation with them. They can also be bribed to do smaller chores and the 15 hours of free funding kicks in, making childcare marginally less expensive.

Just don't have a second one before you start your degree!

I too found the first year easy, despite the lack of sleep. At least they're portable at that age! But when they start to walk....they're into everything, they're throwing tantrums. I found that much harder. By the time they're about 4, though, it's easier imho. They're a bit more sensible. I've been lucky, though - dd was always an easy going child, if a bit wild.

I guess really I should be grateful, he has just gone to sleep after 15 minutes in the bouncer and will likely have his first waking in 6 hours or so. The last few days I've been using this time to learn (I'm planning on a move from humanities to sciences so have a lot to catch up on.) But obviously I'd need to put in more hours once I start the degree course hence my question.

@Gillian1980

I see where you are coming from, and something tells me it's going to be similar for us. Although I think you get some partial funding for nursery places when they are two (is that correct?)

@GraceGrape

Yes my DH has been pretty useless for the past few months even causing me to write a long winded rant on here, I spoken to him again and just the last few days there's been a huge improvement and I can see him slowly starting to enjoy doing things with LO like giving him a bath etc.

Toddlers are pretty darn hard work. I am fortunate to have a very chilled toddler, but even so at times you feel they have a death wish! I don't think it really changes until 6/7 years.

To be honest having one baby (as long as not colicky) is the best time as they are more portable and you can take them to adult places,

My oldest is 6 and when there is just him I can get on and do my own thing and he does his, we can go to the movies or taken him to a restaurant etc.

My youngest is 3 and much, much harder work than when he was a baby tbh, although generally he is asleep by 7.30 and stays that way for about 11 hours!

I started a degree just before my oldest was born and finished it just after my youngest was born though so it is possible!

@TheABC Haha love the part about bribing them to so small chores :-D :-D

You only get nursery funding for 2 year olds if you receive benefits/very low income.

My eldest is 5 and she's only just started playing on her own. However, my youngest is 3 and needs supervision a lot of the time. If I'm on my own out with the dc, I have to watch them closely still and sometimes one or both of them run off.

It depends on the personalities of your dc but for me it's taking years to be able to relax around my dc!

@AgentOprah Thanks for your post that is really encouraging! And congratulations on finishing your degree AND keeping your sanity despite having to do it with a newborn at home. I'd also like to have a second one not too long after the first (by "too long" I mean ideally within five years) so might try and follow your example in terms of timing. Luckily we've not had a problem getting pregnant first time around and hope this will still be the case when we try again.

Overall your replies have been pretty great in making me realise this might in fact be the best time to learn and try to enjoy things as the difficulty level seems to increase when they become mobile to then lessen again around 4 and then decline once more when 7. Is that a fair assumption?

@shewhocannotbenamed

We aren't eligible for the 15 hours at 2 years but we'll get hours when she turns 3 which will help a lot.
But.... then we'll be trying for baby no 2 (waiting until nursery funding kicks in as we can't afford 2 x nursery places).

Lots of radical changes happen all the time with children but I really noticed that I could leave ds alone to play a bit aged 3.5 (not for long), and it was at that age that I started a degree. Then when he was 5 and had been at school for about 2 or 3 terms, he finally stopped waking up at 5.30/6 and went to 7am, where he has stayed ever since (he's 13 now). He started going to/coming back from school on his own aged 6 as we really had no choice but it was earlier than I wanted. Then when he was 7 I really saw why this is an age of some legal changes in some countries as he became mentally much more developed and able to entertain himself more.

Sorry.

My toddler is a lot harder than when she was a baby, so be prepared for it to get harder before it gets easier!

I would say 12 months-4 years is the hardest work in terms of physical childcare.

I noticed a big difference over 3.5 with my eldest. Not quite there with my youngest yet (nearly 3) but I am definitely finding I can get on with things and the two kids play together now.

It depends so much on the child that I'm not sure planning is much use. Mine was the amazing non-sleeping baby, then a ridiculously reasonable 2yo; that hugely influenced the impact on me at different ages. Throwing another child into the mix will make a big difference too, not only because your next may be different, but also because your eldest will behave differently with a sibling around.

It's fine to hope for time to yourself, but if you need it (nothing wrong with that, you get to have needs too, though they may not always be met!), better plan on the basis that you may need childcare at certain points.